Day 1
Yesterday was a good day: I worked well, I've seen new colleagues, we had a drink together and then I went playing volleyball with friends in a park.
I relapsed this morning.
Triggers were:
- seeing sexy girls in the park. Seriously there were a lot of girls walking dogs, doing fitness or running in fitted clothes...
- waking up alone, tired, feeling lonely.
- realizing my blocking app was not working: I immediately thought "ok let's profit from it, let's look at stuff just for a minute"
As soon as I woke up I started fantasizing and edging without a screen.
I then lied to myself, telling myself I'd just send a message to my girlfriend. Very bad idea. This lead me to use my phone, noticing the blocking app wasn't behaving normally and that I could profit from it. I told myself "just have a quick look" and then I was trapped... I wanted more and more and more.
Thoughts:
You have the choice between approaching women (hard, risky, takes a long time before you have sex) or PMO (easy, fast, unlimited experiences, never rejects you). I understand why P is so attractive.
Of course approaching women is the right choice: it teaches you courage and a lot more, it leads to no longer being "needy", it forces you to better yourself, you develop real relationships...
But what to do in my case? I have a girlfriend that I love, I'm just away from her for a few days.
Seeing all those beautiful women somehow hurts me every time. I feel frustrated. I had a few girlfriends but I've never been the kind of guy that attracts a lot of women. It hurts my self confidence. I don't know who to talk to about this. I have a beautiful girlfriend, why isn't it enough? Why do I feel like I'm not attractive and not existing to women in general?
Every time I see a beautiful girl I wonder if she's attracted to me - if I'm attracting to her. And I never know. And I feel bad for not knowing.
I feel beautiful when I'm alone in front of my mirror. I feel non-existing around girls.
I never experience this when I'm living far from the city and I see very few people. As soon as I go back to the big city... boom. So many beautiful girls in every kind of shape, style, skin color...
I'm experiencing chaser effect right now.
Conclusion:
"Messaging my girlfriend" is not an exception to my "no screen before 8" rule. It's just a trap, a lie I tell myself.
Loneliness is nothing. PMOing won't help - it just gives a temporary, poor quality relief before making the loneliness worse.
All I had to do was to go out of the bed. That's it.
I'm sad about my counter.
I'm happy about my life.