The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

[harpoon]

Day 47

eh, i've had depression, intrusive thoughts, topped with self loathing for years, tried antidepressants, quitting drinking and nothing, and now off the porn 47-days and  i'm feeling good, and like looking in the mirror again! - It's great 

It's different when i see a sexy women now, i look at her curves or if she smiles I'll smile back, rather than trying to ensconce an image of her in my brain to fap to at a later date (that's where this addiction took me.)

Neway, who knows how long this great feeling will last, but I'm gonna enjoy it  ;D

 

[harpoon]

Day-48
I felt like shit today. I guess you just have to take the rough with the smooth.

 

[harpoon]

Day 49

Well, I guess its more insightful to post on the bad days as well as the good. Unfortunately, this is  a bad day. I'm struggling  with this addiction today, I feel like the last 49-days haven't even happened and I'm at the first day.

I have urges and I'm trying to rationalize with my addicted brain why i dont fap anymore - its tough. Time is dragging, thats something that had gone away, my energy has been zapped and I feel like crap.

I'd love to write that I feel great, but thats not how I feel at the moment. Tomorrow I may feel great, its seems to be that the highs are now higher and the lows are lower, my brain chemistry balancing act is in full swing.

I have started to dream again, I haven't had a dream since i started rebooting, and I've had wood for the last two-mornings, so something is happening. My dream was about my ex-girlfriend, from like 15-years ago *face palm* lol

Cheers

 

[Mikel]

I'm with you buddy. As you're aware we're at a similar stage in our recoveries and I too am a bit up and down with my emotions. Also been getting some crazy urges recently and I can honestly say this is harder than the first month.

Today, I've felt ok and also angry?? What's going on there! I think this is where we need to hang on in there and it will eventually pass.

 

[harpoon]

I'm with you buddy. As you're aware we're at a similar stage in our recoveries and I too am a bit up and down with my emotions. Also been getting some crazy urges recently and I can honestly say this is harder than the first month.

Today, I've felt ok and also angry?? What's going on there! I think this is where we need to hang on in there and it will eventually pass.

Your right Mikel, this is harder than the first month. I went for a run to burn off some energy, felt great while running, and for about an hour afterwards.

It's an emotionally roller coaster at times, but your right, all we can do is hang in there and wait for this to pass.

Cheers

 

[harpoon]

Day 50

Spent the majority of the day in bed, sleep deprivation and/or fatigue have finally caught up with me, so I decided that I would write the day off and relax.

 

[harpoon]

Day 52ish

  I'm neither up or down at this stage into the reboot. The intrusive thoughts I've been having are subsiding, this is what spurs me on more than anything: to be happy and think clearly and not have these horrible thoughts, and images enter my mind. I cant be sure but I would guess that this depression and intrusive thoughts is a side effects of my porn addiction.

  It would be easy to watch some porn now and get my fix, but i've learned that its not worth it, the despair that i would go through after a porn session now would be unbearable. Where would it end? More porn? weeks of porn? Maybe waste another few years of my life?

  I write this journal because it does help. Without  rebootnation I would have never opened up about this addiction, and opening up and talking about this has been a weight of my mind 

I know its going to be a struggle to kick this habit for good, but the longer I'm porn free the more i realize it can be done.

Cheers

 

[harpoon]

Day 55

So slowly but surely I feel more alive and more like myself. I've had a few great days. I feel more alert, smarter, funnier, and happier. At the moment I'm the best I've been in years 

Thanks rebootnation

 

[nobother]

Even when you fall flat on your face - you are actually moving forward.

Don't give up.  Don't cheat.  Keep moving forward.  Positive thoughts lead to positive actions.  I actually believe that.  We can do this thing.

 

[dhira]

Great to see you going strong harpoon, very inspiring.

The intrusive thoughts I've been having are subsiding, this is what spurs me on more than anything: t

I'm a way behind you but I know what you mean. It really does seem to get easier after some weeks, reading guys like you saying things like that helped me to get through those tough first couple of weeks. It well worth the fight. I am also feeling so much better now. But I have to remember I'm an addict and can't play around with this stuff even a little bit.

Keep flying 

 

[harpoon]

Great to see you going strong harpoon, very inspiring.

The intrusive thoughts I've been having are subsiding, this is what spurs me on more than anything: t

I'm a way behind you but I know what you mean. It really does seem to get easier after some weeks, reading guys like you saying things like that helped me to get through those tough first couple of weeks. It well worth the fight. I am also feeling so much better now. But I have to remember I'm an addict and can't play around with this stuff even a little bit.

Keep flying 

Thanks dhira stick with it, things do get easier!

 

[harpoon]

Day 57

So things are still going good 

 

[harpoon]

Day 59

Progress seems slow at the moment. Its not difficult to abstain from porn, it just feels awkward being horny all the time. I find that even surfing the net is difficult as kim kardashians ass keeps showing up, which is great, and in the past, thats a photo that would of made my day  I'm just being honest here.

Old habits die hard, and at this point these old habits are trying to sneak back into my life. I'll have to really up my efforts to reboot successfully, after all, abstinence alone isn't rebooting.

But imo I'm doing pretty great  and I'm a very different person from the person would set out to quit porn 60ish days ago.

Cheers

 

[harpoon]

Today feels like a test. It's been one of the toughest days I've have.

I wonder am i even a porn addict, and then I think - "I'll just look at cleavage photos of my fav tv presenter, sure that's not porn is it?" - that's healthy, that's rebooting (NOT!)

Maybe one can be to honest on here? but if i just write complete bs whats the point?

I'm determined to beat this and get my life back. Now time for a cold shower!

Cheers

 

[harpoon]

wow I made it to 60!\

Unfortunately, I'm struggling with urges today. I had a few days on the beer last week and it seems that after a night of alcohol i find it incredible hard to resist porn. I kind of new this is the case, and I did quit alcohol for most of the reboot. I thought that i was in a good place and that i could have a drink and a smoke but it seems to be that i will have to quit the alcohol completely if i am ever to properly recover from this.

 

[harpoon]

Day 67

  Well i mo at day 66. For my first real try at a reboot, it was a good shot at the 90 days. I'm a bit disappointed that i gave in, but at the same time i know that its not for me anymore, and i can truly give everything and beat this addiction.

I'm not back at day 1 by any means. Quitting porn for 66-days has lifted my depression and the intrusive violent/sexual thoughts are pretty much gone, so there's a few positive things.

  What i've learned is that, i wasn't prepared for when the urges returned, i thought i was cured and once i decided to have a look at a few images, the flood gates opened and I didnt care about how many days i was clean.

My conclusion is that i cannot drink alcohol while rebooting, probably not at all, it make me feel like shit and i view porn to feel better - its the classic cycle eh?

Anyway, rather than lie and pretend that i'm doing great, i've been honest. The next few days will probably be difficult as the urges will be there now, but I'll give it my best shot again.

Cheers

 

[harpoon]

Well, it's day 75 and i cant say that i made it here clean. I mo four times during the last ten-days. Without going into details about the fapping, the content viewed escalated pretty quickly from photos to porn viewing.

I'm disappointed with myself, but it was my first serious attempt at a reboot and I did pretty well to stay 70-days clean. I still feel good but at the moment it's a very precarious situation where if i continue i will be exactly where i started - depressed, intrusive thoughts, no libido etc

I've learned a great deal about myself over the last 70-days. I like to laugh, socialize, exercise, play guitar. I no longer hate myself and i can see a happy future if i beat this addiction.

cheers

 

[harpoon]

  I'm all over the place today - my mood is up and down, and i pretty much think about porn every other minute. While porn free my drinking (alcohol) escalated and I became quite depressed. I fapped to porn to feel good and that lead to an almost uncontrollable cycle, and I basically ended up at day 1 again. It all honesty, it hurt that i had failed, but it also hurt that all my good work was undone, and the 60 days porn free are just a memory.

  Anyway, I'm on day 5 today so nearly at my first milestone of a week porn free. The next milestone will be two weeks and then a month. I believe that i can never be porn free if i continue to drink alcohol. Alcohol is causing some problems in my life, maybe all of them, and i always turn to porn to ease the pain. An alcohol abuser with a porn addiction - how did i end up here?

Anyway the main thing is i'm nearly a week into my second attempt at a reboot, and if i learn from the mistakes of the first reboot then that wont have been a waste of time.

Thank you

 

[harpoon]

This is gonna be my last log in this journal as I've failed miserable and I just want to start fresh.

I did great up until about day 65 when I started to think i had this addiction defeated and I began to falter. Slowly but surely old habits crept back into my life, and in the space of two-weeks i was back at the start, maybe even worse than before.

It's good to know that the reboot process can lift depression, and it did, at least for awhile reset my tastes and a sexy women was a sexy woman, and i didn't need three-hour hours of smut to have the ultimate orgasm.

I now realize that I'm a shell of a person while "using" porn. The happy guy from day-65 is a million miles away from the person I am today.

I really believe that to be free from porn that I'll have to quit alcohol. Alcohol throws a spanner in the works for me, I let my guard down while drunk, or I'll medicate a nasty hangover by viewing porn and fapping. This isn't an excuse btw, it's an observation that I've made and I want to give myself every chance of succeeding this time.

So that's day-1 begun...

 

[harpoon]

Day 4

Insomnia, headaches, nausea, shakes....this is bad. Where does this shit end?