The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

H

harpoon

Respected Member
Day 5 -
I'm pretty much running on autopilot today. I have'nt slept well since my porn binge 5-days ago. Intrusive thoughts are back, and I've gone very quiet and feel like shit.

I was amazed at how quickly this addiction took hold of me. Within a week, i went from finding a women in a dress attractive, to a 4-hr porn binge searching for scenes with a milf that i just learned the name of - pathetic i know, but thats the reality.

I'm happy to make day-5 though, it's been a struggle. First hurdle is a week, if i make that generally i can fight the urges and my determination begins to return.

Peace

 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Day 6 -

I feel like i came back to reality today - i had been in a dark groggy fog for the last few days.

I slept well last night and i feel pretty good today. My energy is increasing and my mood is improving.

Cheers

 
Bigredsfod

Bigredsfod

Member
Relapses happen brother, I am coming out of one myself.  I hear you on getting laser focused on one specific detail during a binge.  It's tough to fight through and the only thought is that one "thing".  Keep going though and don't quit!  The longer we develop these different patterns through abstaining, the more we train our brains to act in a different and new manner.  New is always better  8)
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
I feel lost at the moment. It seems like such a mammoth task to go a single day porn free.
This shit takes your soul, and you end up caring about nothing but your next fix. It never ends... rock bottom... i'm here.
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
So its time for another go at quitting porn. Alcohol will have to go for awhile too, i find i just drink my ass off while withdrawing from porn.
 
AoMSentMe

AoMSentMe

Member
I know the "depressed self indulgent jackass" all too well... it sucks, I feel like such an jerk after I fall each time, as it sounds like you do to. That's what I've come here... already it's good to see I'm not alone in feeling this way. Best of luck to you as you fight this too!
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Nearly five-days  ;)

The last binge i had before i stopped was basically two-weeks of porn. I don't remember much from this period, I was "in the zone" - a zombie.

Anyway, I'm back and my first goal is a week, then it'll be two-weeks, and I'll go from there.

 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
AoMSentMe said:
I know the "depressed self indulgent jackass" all too well... it sucks, I feel like such an jerk after I fall each time, as it sounds like you do to. That's what I've come here... already it's good to see I'm not alone in feeling this way. Best of luck to you as you fight this too!
Click to expand...
Welcome to the forum AoMSentMe, if you want to quit your in the right place.

Starting a blog is one of the bests things you can do imo My tip is to post even when you feel great, I posted when I felt like crap, but when I felt great I took my eye off the ball and I failed miserably.

Best of luck with your fight
 
AoMSentMe

AoMSentMe

Member
harpoon said:
Welcome to the forum AoMSentMe, if you want to quit your in the right place.

Starting a blog is one of the bests things you can do imo My tip is to post even when you feel great, I posted when I felt like crap, but when I felt great I took my eye off the ball and I failed miserably.

Best of luck with your fight
Click to expand...

Thanks! I got my journal started the other night, and been doing some reading. Good thought about checking in even when I'm doing good... that's when it usually gets me.
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Day 10 -

So i've given up the porn, but the problem is, is that my brains chemistry doesn't realize this! So from looking at my first reboot, all things being equal, I'm looking at at least 50-days before I'm feeling good again.

One day at a time anyway, i want to get to two-weeks first, and take it from there.

Here is what i am experiencing at the moment -

  • Feeling worthless
    severe insomnia
    anxious
    depressed
    no joy about anything
    struggling to get out of bed

 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Day 11

  Today i finally had a good buzz going while running :) the previous couple of runs had been terrible and i was just giving up and walking the rest of my run. I feel like my energy is coming back.

  I lay awake in bed for most of  last night thinking about this addiction. I never thought i was an addict, just a horny guy, doing what guys do. Then i thought about my previous girlfriends and how i was with them - we'd have sex (which was awesome at the time) but when I'd drop her home, i would go home, turn on the porn, have a fap, then a smoke, and drift off to sleep - what a fn asshole i was.

This is just my realization of how things were progressing, and how the f*** could i not see this is beyond me!

  Anyway, I need to look back at these events in order to move forward. I'm doing good, and I'm on the mend, it's just a matter of time.
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
14 days completed  :D

Yesterday was a very good day. i felt great, no anxiety, and just felt content and happy.

Today not so good. Intrusive thoughts are back with a vengance, i felt like crying at one stage, my emotions are all over the place.

 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Day 15

Today was the shittiest i have felt in years. I cannot sleep. My stomach is in bits. I feel like warm crap.

The only way is up
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Day 16

Starting to feel more like myself. I didnt sleep well, but i went for a run and my energy seems pretty good since then.



 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Day 17

  Starting to feel good again! I can brush off urges and intrusive thoughts are not as intense or as frequent. I made an effort to talk to a girl today, she smiled and talked back, which made me smile, it was nice.

Anyway, i'm happy enough with my progress at the moment, not slipping is the main thing.

Cheers

 

 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Day 18

  Feeling good today. Went for a run and didnt feel like i was  gonna collapse from exhaustion. I feel like I'm on the mend.

  I was prescribed antidepressants (years ago at this stage) and have never really questioned why i still take them. The only effect i seem to have is crippling insomnia, so i've panned them and hope that abstaining from porn i will overcome depression. When i was prescribed the antidepressants i failed to mention how i was skulling 20+ pints on the weekend, and watching porn to beat hangovers. I was young and stupid.

  There's no doubt there is a hole left in my life.  A hole created by porn. I hope that this gets better.
 
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