switched_off_again
Member
Ps: strange thought but if I had PIED I'd have a much clearer and definite goal.
My only goal is to be a better less guilt ridden person.
My only goal is to be a better less guilt ridden person.
Reboot take two
- Thread starter switched_off_again
- Start date
switched_off_again
Member
Hi BigMog
Thanks for your continued support! I've been a bit of a mess over the last few days... It all started with me attempting to close my account on that stupid cam site - things went awry...
I'm feeling mixed up, but determined to climb back on the wagon. I'm sooo annoyed at how pre-occupied I've become with that bloody site!!!! Time to come up with a new strategy for breaking free!!
More soon.
Keep fighting everyone!
Thanks for your continued support! I've been a bit of a mess over the last few days... It all started with me attempting to close my account on that stupid cam site - things went awry...
I'm feeling mixed up, but determined to climb back on the wagon. I'm sooo annoyed at how pre-occupied I've become with that bloody site!!!! Time to come up with a new strategy for breaking free!!
More soon.
Keep fighting everyone!
switched_off_again
Member
Hello all
First things first, let's establish some sort of baseline in terms of current clean streak. I can't remember for sure, but I think I've been completely clean as in no PMO and no flirting with Instagram etc since Sunday. So
Reboot kick off: 10th Feb 2019. Days clean 5 Feels alot longer actually, perhaps because the couple of relapses I've had since beginning of January have been brief albeit very painful experiences.
Looking back at my recent posts, I wasn't doing too well last week, although I thought I was... I was diverting my attention from late evening sitting in front of a cam site or porn filled screen by watching the Netflix series - You. Something about it really resonated with my porn addicted or more accurately cam site addicted mind - the voyuerism, the flirtatious messaging and all that - on reflection, a really poor choice of programme from a trigger point of view.
So... Although I hadn't been actively visiting the cam site, I hadn't got round to closing my account. I decided to do this, perhaps last Thursday morning. Then on Thursday evening, while not perhaps in best frame of mind, having watched the Netflix thing, I thought I'd go on to check that the account had indeed been closed. Of course it hadn't and I can't really explain why, I purchased more credits... So stupid...
But here's the thing - I didn't use the credits to purchase any time with a performer, I instead sent a couple of messages to the object of my infatuation and went to bed. Next day, I have to go check replies, and we're back to square one. Me feeling some sort of fantasyland connection with a good looking stranger, me jealous that she has other visitors a lot more able both mentally and financially to engage, and therefore me feeling hugely guilt ridden and depressed... This is a mental disorder, not a pleasure!!! Next step - I want to ditch the cam site again, and knowing my account won't be closed if it is in credit, I ditched the credits by sending 'surprises' to performers who aren't even online. Such a waste, in a buying drugs then throwing in the bin sort of way (probably still the better course of action).
The next couple of nights, I'm feeling mentally all over the place, so I end up briefly engaging in PMO purely for some sort of relief from the self-inflicted pain.
The next few days were difficult because of all the dark post relapse moods, even although I didn't actually engage with anyone on the site. An exceptionally dark evening/ night on Tuesday, reading posts on here at extreme length, just feeling entirely stressed by the process.
However... I started to feel better yesterday and today I feel good and strong - like I'm walking on much thicker ice. Sorry for going on - I just needed to write that out, so I could try and straighten out in my head what the latest mess was all about.
On to the positives... I've started reading about and trying a few mindfulness exercises. I think it has been a positive experience - definitely feeling more at peace with my thoughts, and enjoying focusing on the moment rather than doing everything on auto-pilot while lost in mental turmoil. The irony of writing something like that when all this journal is, is a self-obsessed out-pouring of those very thoughts.
Something else I found interesting was reading an article about changing habits which talked about the difference between saying/ thinking 'I don't' instead of 'I can't'. As a vegetarian, I don't eat meat. Don't ask me to justify it, I just don't. It's been so long since I became a vegetarian, I don't have any comprehension of why I don't eat meat, I just don't and I know with certainty I never consciously will. If I do accidentally it's no big deal, I'll just go back to not eating meat, I won't immediately feel the need to devour ten cows... I don't care if other people eat meat, that's there business, but I don't. That's exactly where I hope to be one day in relation to porn. I don't do porn, because I just don't. It's not for me and it never will be... That is the holy grail.
Final thought... Have you ever pondered on how self-obsessed and isolating this disorder is? All these thoughts about ME... All this inner turmoil that has to stay just that - inner turmoil. I was walking along the street on Tuesday evening by myself, and I have never before felt this as strongly as I felt it then - all these people around me but it was like a dream where I wasn't really there, invisible to all, locked inside my head... It really was a weird experience. Thinking about it more, I have experienced it before when I was suffering from an anxiety disorder many years ago - makes more sense now.
Anyway... In real-life, I am not really that self-obsessed. I relate well with others. It's just this stupid, horrible secret that no-one talks about. I wonder if that will ever change?
On we go... Here's hoping the ice is strong for the rest of the walk...
First things first, let's establish some sort of baseline in terms of current clean streak. I can't remember for sure, but I think I've been completely clean as in no PMO and no flirting with Instagram etc since Sunday. So
Reboot kick off: 10th Feb 2019. Days clean 5 Feels alot longer actually, perhaps because the couple of relapses I've had since beginning of January have been brief albeit very painful experiences.
Looking back at my recent posts, I wasn't doing too well last week, although I thought I was... I was diverting my attention from late evening sitting in front of a cam site or porn filled screen by watching the Netflix series - You. Something about it really resonated with my porn addicted or more accurately cam site addicted mind - the voyuerism, the flirtatious messaging and all that - on reflection, a really poor choice of programme from a trigger point of view.
So... Although I hadn't been actively visiting the cam site, I hadn't got round to closing my account. I decided to do this, perhaps last Thursday morning. Then on Thursday evening, while not perhaps in best frame of mind, having watched the Netflix thing, I thought I'd go on to check that the account had indeed been closed. Of course it hadn't and I can't really explain why, I purchased more credits... So stupid...
But here's the thing - I didn't use the credits to purchase any time with a performer, I instead sent a couple of messages to the object of my infatuation and went to bed. Next day, I have to go check replies, and we're back to square one. Me feeling some sort of fantasyland connection with a good looking stranger, me jealous that she has other visitors a lot more able both mentally and financially to engage, and therefore me feeling hugely guilt ridden and depressed... This is a mental disorder, not a pleasure!!! Next step - I want to ditch the cam site again, and knowing my account won't be closed if it is in credit, I ditched the credits by sending 'surprises' to performers who aren't even online. Such a waste, in a buying drugs then throwing in the bin sort of way (probably still the better course of action).
The next couple of nights, I'm feeling mentally all over the place, so I end up briefly engaging in PMO purely for some sort of relief from the self-inflicted pain.
The next few days were difficult because of all the dark post relapse moods, even although I didn't actually engage with anyone on the site. An exceptionally dark evening/ night on Tuesday, reading posts on here at extreme length, just feeling entirely stressed by the process.
However... I started to feel better yesterday and today I feel good and strong - like I'm walking on much thicker ice. Sorry for going on - I just needed to write that out, so I could try and straighten out in my head what the latest mess was all about.
On to the positives... I've started reading about and trying a few mindfulness exercises. I think it has been a positive experience - definitely feeling more at peace with my thoughts, and enjoying focusing on the moment rather than doing everything on auto-pilot while lost in mental turmoil. The irony of writing something like that when all this journal is, is a self-obsessed out-pouring of those very thoughts.
Something else I found interesting was reading an article about changing habits which talked about the difference between saying/ thinking 'I don't' instead of 'I can't'. As a vegetarian, I don't eat meat. Don't ask me to justify it, I just don't. It's been so long since I became a vegetarian, I don't have any comprehension of why I don't eat meat, I just don't and I know with certainty I never consciously will. If I do accidentally it's no big deal, I'll just go back to not eating meat, I won't immediately feel the need to devour ten cows... I don't care if other people eat meat, that's there business, but I don't. That's exactly where I hope to be one day in relation to porn. I don't do porn, because I just don't. It's not for me and it never will be... That is the holy grail.
Final thought... Have you ever pondered on how self-obsessed and isolating this disorder is? All these thoughts about ME... All this inner turmoil that has to stay just that - inner turmoil. I was walking along the street on Tuesday evening by myself, and I have never before felt this as strongly as I felt it then - all these people around me but it was like a dream where I wasn't really there, invisible to all, locked inside my head... It really was a weird experience. Thinking about it more, I have experienced it before when I was suffering from an anxiety disorder many years ago - makes more sense now.
Anyway... In real-life, I am not really that self-obsessed. I relate well with others. It's just this stupid, horrible secret that no-one talks about. I wonder if that will ever change?
On we go... Here's hoping the ice is strong for the rest of the walk...
switched_off_again
Member
16/0219 00.35 - Days clean 6
The ice is thick.
The ice is thick.
Hi switched-off, lots of interesting points and observations in your posts
Just picked out two I particularly identify with
For me I?d also like to be able to say to myself in the future, ?yes I was hooked for a while but I managed to kick it. It was a struggle but I?ve been clean for x years?
Also, yes it?s ?the shame we dare not speak of.? I couldn?t see myself discussing this with anyone outside this forum and I?m not prepared to out myself, even to my oldest friends. Would be good if it was a more recognised and accepted problem.
Glad the mindfulness looks like it may be useful and the ice is thick.
Keep up the good work.
.
Just picked out two I particularly identify with
switched_off_again said:
For me I?d also like to be able to say to myself in the future, ?yes I was hooked for a while but I managed to kick it. It was a struggle but I?ve been clean for x years?
Also, yes it?s ?the shame we dare not speak of.? I couldn?t see myself discussing this with anyone outside this forum and I?m not prepared to out myself, even to my oldest friends. Would be good if it was a more recognised and accepted problem.
Glad the mindfulness looks like it may be useful and the ice is thick.
Keep up the good work.
.
switched_off_again
Member
Hey BigMog - thanks for checking in with me.
I'm still clean but the weekend has been not so good mood wise. Wife out on Friday evening, then out again yesterday evening. I had hopes that we might have fun when she came home, but ended up having a big row and with me sleeping in living room... Not what was planned haha.
Mutual apologies this morning, but I spent the rest of the day doing chores and quietly brooding.... Our Sundays are fully defined by chores.... Not how i would choose to spend the day, but if I don't, she does and her resentment builds.
Definitely no desire to go online and self medicate with porn though. So that's positive I suppose.
I'm actually looking forward to work this week - another positive of having a dull unfulfilling weekend!
7 days clean
I'm still clean but the weekend has been not so good mood wise. Wife out on Friday evening, then out again yesterday evening. I had hopes that we might have fun when she came home, but ended up having a big row and with me sleeping in living room... Not what was planned haha.
Mutual apologies this morning, but I spent the rest of the day doing chores and quietly brooding.... Our Sundays are fully defined by chores.... Not how i would choose to spend the day, but if I don't, she does and her resentment builds.
Definitely no desire to go online and self medicate with porn though. So that's positive I suppose.
I'm actually looking forward to work this week - another positive of having a dull unfulfilling weekend!
7 days clean
switched_off_again
Member
Monday 18 Feb. 8 days clean.
Also dieting which has given me hunger to focus on!
My daughter is visiting so hopefully a better week moodwise. I probably won't post as much as a result.
Hope everything is feeling strong and has a good week.
Also dieting which has given me hunger to focus on!
My daughter is visiting so hopefully a better week moodwise. I probably won't post as much as a result.
Hope everything is feeling strong and has a good week.
switched_off_again
Member
22/02/2019 - 12 days clean
Hi everyone - 12 days clean doesn't sound a lot. But I've had a good week. My infatuation with that site has been quite distant, I've felt engaged and present in the here and now, and sex and/or the prospect of when I might have sex next hasn't figured too highly in my mind. I feel that I've climbed firmly back on the wagon, the ice is thick, and (my new metaphor) the porn scars in my brain are healing quite nicely (just don't start scratching them or they might open up again).
So why am I happy at being only 12 days clean? Because I've realised that this actually goes way back longer than this. My first reboot start in late September 2018 and since then I've gone:
September - reboot kick off
Early November - relapse 1
Late December - relapse 2
Early January - relapse 3
Late January - relapse 4
Early February - relapse 5
So while I've had really painful relapses along the way I've repeatedly climbed back on the wagon and at no point do I feel I've gone back to square one. I am now very used to not watching porn or visiting that cam girl site, I don't feel part of that cam girl site 'community' as their sales people so quaintly put it, I am not obsessed with the state of my masturbation starved organ, and I am comfortable with the idea that there is no sex on the immediate horizon, because frankly I and my family have other more important things to be dealing with.
I'm on a diet, I've joined the gym, I'm back cycling (which is no 2 passion in my life, music being no 1), I'm learning about mindfulness, and my mood has been quite balanced (after last weekend when I was in a childish, resentful cause I'm not getting sex way).
So it feels like more than 12 days clean really... And when I think back to the sadness and anger post my last relapse, it is extremely re-assuring to know that I feel so much more comfortable free from the relapse cycle than I did when I was lost in the grip.
One of the things I have come to realise is that this is about me and what I want. I don't want to be a slave. I've been knocked off the wagon by questioning the science of porn addiction, but now I've come to the conclusion - I don't care about the science. I've been knocked off the wagon by others advising me that the right thing to do is to share my addiction with my wife. NO. Don't tell me what is right or wrong for my wife. I have been with her for almost 30 years, I spend 80% of my time supporting her and my family, so really don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do. I now know what is right for her, for my family, and for me. If you want me to nail something to the wall as some sort of penance, yep I'll do that, but don't expect me to upset my wife or family.
This is about me and what I am without thinking. As I said in a previous post - I don't eat meat. Other people do. But I don't and feel absolutely no desire to justify to myself or anyone else why I don't. I just don't. Just as I don't take drugs.
And my aim is to have the same mindset towards porn and cam sites.
I don't watch porn or visit cam sites. Millions of people do.... But I don't and don't ask me to justify why I don't.
I just don't.
Hi everyone - 12 days clean doesn't sound a lot. But I've had a good week. My infatuation with that site has been quite distant, I've felt engaged and present in the here and now, and sex and/or the prospect of when I might have sex next hasn't figured too highly in my mind. I feel that I've climbed firmly back on the wagon, the ice is thick, and (my new metaphor) the porn scars in my brain are healing quite nicely (just don't start scratching them or they might open up again).
So why am I happy at being only 12 days clean? Because I've realised that this actually goes way back longer than this. My first reboot start in late September 2018 and since then I've gone:
September - reboot kick off
Early November - relapse 1
Late December - relapse 2
Early January - relapse 3
Late January - relapse 4
Early February - relapse 5
So while I've had really painful relapses along the way I've repeatedly climbed back on the wagon and at no point do I feel I've gone back to square one. I am now very used to not watching porn or visiting that cam girl site, I don't feel part of that cam girl site 'community' as their sales people so quaintly put it, I am not obsessed with the state of my masturbation starved organ, and I am comfortable with the idea that there is no sex on the immediate horizon, because frankly I and my family have other more important things to be dealing with.
I'm on a diet, I've joined the gym, I'm back cycling (which is no 2 passion in my life, music being no 1), I'm learning about mindfulness, and my mood has been quite balanced (after last weekend when I was in a childish, resentful cause I'm not getting sex way).
So it feels like more than 12 days clean really... And when I think back to the sadness and anger post my last relapse, it is extremely re-assuring to know that I feel so much more comfortable free from the relapse cycle than I did when I was lost in the grip.
One of the things I have come to realise is that this is about me and what I want. I don't want to be a slave. I've been knocked off the wagon by questioning the science of porn addiction, but now I've come to the conclusion - I don't care about the science. I've been knocked off the wagon by others advising me that the right thing to do is to share my addiction with my wife. NO. Don't tell me what is right or wrong for my wife. I have been with her for almost 30 years, I spend 80% of my time supporting her and my family, so really don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do. I now know what is right for her, for my family, and for me. If you want me to nail something to the wall as some sort of penance, yep I'll do that, but don't expect me to upset my wife or family.
This is about me and what I am without thinking. As I said in a previous post - I don't eat meat. Other people do. But I don't and feel absolutely no desire to justify to myself or anyone else why I don't. I just don't. Just as I don't take drugs.
And my aim is to have the same mindset towards porn and cam sites.
I don't watch porn or visit cam sites. Millions of people do.... But I don't and don't ask me to justify why I don't.
I just don't.
Is strange how it effected us all differently and how we all have different opinions on it but essentially all want the same.
I never felt guilty about porn, I really enjoyed it and I really miss it (day 38) but I only just realised a couple of months ago that it's why I have had PIED for as long as I can remember. (20+ years)
It's caused the girls I've been with (and my current wife) so much pain and hurt without me realising.
Stay strong.
I never felt guilty about porn, I really enjoyed it and I really miss it (day 38) but I only just realised a couple of months ago that it's why I have had PIED for as long as I can remember. (20+ years)
It's caused the girls I've been with (and my current wife) so much pain and hurt without me realising.
Stay strong.
switched_off_again
Member
24/02/2019 - 2 weeks clean
Hey both - thanks for the support!
I had a really good bike ride today. I love the early season when you experience speedy improvements in fitness. I've got a sportive in early April and my training is right on track.
I M'd last night. But it was a good M because there was no P or fantasies about P involved. I knew it was another weekend where nothing was going to happen with my wife and me, so I took the decision to M so that I didn't feel childishly resentful. It was the right choice and I feel good because I didn't automatically engage with P.
Keep strong! The ice is thick, the scars are healing, I don't do porn!
Hey both - thanks for the support!
I had a really good bike ride today. I love the early season when you experience speedy improvements in fitness. I've got a sportive in early April and my training is right on track.
I M'd last night. But it was a good M because there was no P or fantasies about P involved. I knew it was another weekend where nothing was going to happen with my wife and me, so I took the decision to M so that I didn't feel childishly resentful. It was the right choice and I feel good because I didn't automatically engage with P.
Keep strong! The ice is thick, the scars are healing, I don't do porn!
switched_off_again
Member
Hey all
Not alot to report really. Feels normal not to be pmo'ing. Feels normal not to be anxiously focussing on improving me and my wife's sex life. Don't really feel any urge. Don't feel the need to count days clean. Just having a humdrum middle of the road week.
If I was anxiously bullet pointing symptoms in my mind, I'd conclude I was flat-lining...
But then I know that moods can be cyclical for a whole host of reasons so I just accept it for what it is and remain aware that complacency is a risk. The old "just one won't harm you trap".
Keep strong. The ice is thick. The scars are healing.
Not alot to report really. Feels normal not to be pmo'ing. Feels normal not to be anxiously focussing on improving me and my wife's sex life. Don't really feel any urge. Don't feel the need to count days clean. Just having a humdrum middle of the road week.
If I was anxiously bullet pointing symptoms in my mind, I'd conclude I was flat-lining...
But then I know that moods can be cyclical for a whole host of reasons so I just accept it for what it is and remain aware that complacency is a risk. The old "just one won't harm you trap".
Keep strong. The ice is thick. The scars are healing.
switched_off_again
Member
Still strong. Still thrawn. Refusing to play the porn master's game.
Good for staying strong Switched_off!
And thanks for extending my vocabulary, I?d never come across ?thrawn? before. There seem to be a few meanings but I assume you?re using it to mean stubborn, cross, obstinate and convinced of an opinion?
i.e. you?re determined to kick PMO etc into touch.
Yep, I guess we all need to be a bit thrawn sometimes!
And thanks for extending my vocabulary, I?d never come across ?thrawn? before. There seem to be a few meanings but I assume you?re using it to mean stubborn, cross, obstinate and convinced of an opinion?
i.e. you?re determined to kick PMO etc into touch.
Yep, I guess we all need to be a bit thrawn sometimes!
switched_off_again
Member
Ach - after all the fighting talk last week I slipped up at the weekend. No excuses really. Thought I was doing well. Another weekend was going by without any prospect of my wife and I getting together, so thought I'd relieve tension by M. Wasn't really in mood, so helped along with P... Just functional, not very enjoyable, felt like I was intruding... What on earth was my thought process??
I almost felt like not mentioning it here it was so inconsequential but that would be silly...
I'm not going to let it get to me though or beat myself up about it - it wasn't that cam site which is the real lethal drug for me, and it has in no way weakened my resolve to stay as clean as I can. I have hugely kicked a previously all pervasive habit and have come a long way since last September. I enjoy life without porn hangovers every day. I like all the other things that this reboot process has given me, so I just push on.
Let's call yesterday, Mon 5th March another day 0 and see how I get on. I'll maybe start mentioning my clean streak again, when I've got something worth mentioning!
Keep strong all.
I almost felt like not mentioning it here it was so inconsequential but that would be silly...
I'm not going to let it get to me though or beat myself up about it - it wasn't that cam site which is the real lethal drug for me, and it has in no way weakened my resolve to stay as clean as I can. I have hugely kicked a previously all pervasive habit and have come a long way since last September. I enjoy life without porn hangovers every day. I like all the other things that this reboot process has given me, so I just push on.
Let's call yesterday, Mon 5th March another day 0 and see how I get on. I'll maybe start mentioning my clean streak again, when I've got something worth mentioning!
Keep strong all.
switched_off_again
Member
Not much to report. Back on the wagon. Despite my relapses, this feels normal. It is not a struggle not to PMO.
switched_off_again
Member
But it is a bit of a struggle tonight... Possibly because it's Friday and I've had a few drinks. I think I'll go play my guitar instead. It's the best mindful exercise I know....
switched_off_again
Member
Hey all - I got through the weekend and glad that the struggle I mentioned on Friday was only temporary. I'm not currently feeling much in the way of libido which I suppose is a good thing in terms of keeping clean.
This week is a test as my wife is away until Friday, which in the old days would have triggered some P related self-indulgence. I'm determined to resist this time - that 'every time you say no, you get stronger' idea. Given the lack of libido, I don't really feel any PMO urges so should be fine, but I still have the urge to do something slightly hedonistic given I've got an 'empty'. I feel a gap, but no urge to fill the gap with PMO. Maybe I'll just luxuriate in not doing the dishes or hoovering until she's due back
Dull old me...
Hope everyone is feeling strong!
This week is a test as my wife is away until Friday, which in the old days would have triggered some P related self-indulgence. I'm determined to resist this time - that 'every time you say no, you get stronger' idea. Given the lack of libido, I don't really feel any PMO urges so should be fine, but I still have the urge to do something slightly hedonistic given I've got an 'empty'. I feel a gap, but no urge to fill the gap with PMO. Maybe I'll just luxuriate in not doing the dishes or hoovering until she's due back
Dull old me...Hope everyone is feeling strong!
workinprogressUK
Well-Known Member
switched_off_again said:Maybe I'll just luxuriate in not doing the dishes or hoovering until she's due back
The mad, bad and dangerous life of a guy in early-stage addiction recovery ;D I might have a piece of chocolate with my cup of tea this afternoon!