Reboot take two

[MosesY]

It's great to be free, no matter what. I can look people in the eye again...

I found this true for myself as well. I feel better about myself and am able to talk to people with some confidence. It has made a huge difference in my life. I am looking forward to doing some stuff today and I get more pleasure out of life than I used to. The simple things mean more.

 

[switched_off_again]

Hey all - just checking in without a huge amount to say - plodding along approaching a month P and M and O free - I'm separating the initials out because, who knows, might've O'd in the way that the convention of being in a relationship implies, but no - not that either. While a month is a reasonable streak by my recent standards, I don't want to count, just take it one day at a time.

Two things to note - Netflix recommended a new series to me which was billed as a sex comedy. I risked it and watched an episode - I didn't really find it triggering, more depressing, that feeling of being old and past any prospect of having an interesting sex life. I stopped watching.... Why torture yourself....

Really basic other point - I hadn't managed any strenuous exercise (apart from DIY) since the cycle event a couple of weeks ago, and was feeling a bit low. So I went to the gym. An hour of getting the heart working hard really does lift my mood. Who knows if it's endorphins, dopamine or just getting out and doing something for yourself, but it does work...

Anyhow... What I have learned from this long recovery road is that it's all about controlling my mood - if I don't get too high or too low, I should be OK.

Keep strong all.

 

[BigMog]

Hi Switched-off,
re-Netflix, yes I agree with not torturing ourselves about the sex lives we might like. I find it just encourages the ?chimp? and I start to feel resentful and one thing can lead to other...
Likewise, I like your comment on exercise. I always feel calmer afterwards and it certainly feels like lots of good chemicals get released in my brain. I?m a keen parkrunner so  I set myself little goals to aim for every few months which is an extra incentive to live well. I?m never going to get a ?personal best? at a run if I?ve spent 18 hours  PMOing over the course of the previous week!

Keep strong, live well!

 

[switched_off_again]

Hey all - it's been a while...

If truth be told, I'm a little derailed at the moment, but porn is only a small part of the derailment... Cut a long story short, I have been on anti-depressants since 2015 and have recently decided to stop taking them. I want to know if I can control my mood, behaviour and thoughts in a more sustainable way - think keeping busy, socialising, positive hobbies, mindfulness, healthy activities. I really think I can do it.

But maybe some of you also know, coming off AD's can have withdrawal symptoms, even when you do it following medical advice, you taper and take it slowly. Especially after having taken them for a long time. I'm working through this at the moment. Not helped by the fact that my wife is going through a tough time mentally too. You would think that we would turn to each other and offer each other mutual support, but if anything the opposite is true. But hardly surprising - mental health issues are absolutely engulfed in a feeling of being completely alone, even when you are surrounded by good people. We all live inside that pre-occupied ruminating cell which acts as a massive barrier with those around us.

We are going on holiday in two weeks, so at the moment I'm thinking short term - just get through work and try and do my share around the house, so she doesn't resent me and feel like just 'a house keeper' and servant for me and my son. Hopefully the holiday will bring some fun and relaxation then we can look forward more positively.

Porn - yes there have been some minor relapses, but it just isn't figuring very highly in the list of things to be dealt with. However this is a statement of intent - I am still committed long-term to eliminating it from my life. Despite recent setbacks, I still think I have hugely moved on from where I was when I started this journey.

And for the record, my mental health issues are not severe on the grand scale of things. I will not do anything stupid. I have so much good stuff going on!

Keep fighting everyone and all the best. I will be back once the AD withdrawal has settled down - I know it is temporary - just as I know now the mental health issues associated with PMO recovery are temporary too.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Good luck to you, my friend. Depression does an even better job of isolating us than even addiction does. And i readily agree with your describing how two depressed partners can repel each other, rather than attract. Like the magnetism is aligned south to south. You know the things and processes that work for you, so hopefully you can keep practicing them in the run-up to your holiday, and then have a really positive up-tick while you're away from it all. Wishing you every strength, switched_off.

 

[BigMog]

"I really think I can do it."
I really think you can do it too. Seems to me like you've worked out a good approach to the AD situation.
I look forward to seeing more posts from you in a while.
Good luck!

 

[switched_off_again]

Hey all - I think it's time to come back and refocus on my reboot. Last time I wrote about my issues with AD withdrawal - I'm pleased to say that I got through that and things have settled down. The holiday was a great help. I rediscovered the positive things I really love. I wish I could be cycling on empty roads and sitting on empty beaches more often! That's true beauty and absolute fulfillment. Not the short lived soiled pleasure with negative consequences for my mental health that porn is...

PMO - I've relapsed and I want to sort it out. So tomorrow is another day 1. It really is not worth it. It fucks you up.

I hope to catch up with you all over coming days and try to offer support in the way that you have supported me.

Here we go! I'm looking forward to be pmo free again!

 

[switched_off_again]

24/06/2019 - Day 0

23/01/2019 - Day 0

Here I go again...

Hello - I'm back here once again to journal my second reboot attempt. Reboot take 1 (documented in another thread) kicked off last September. The early weeks were hard, but I think I made real progress. I had one relapse shortly before Christmas but managed to climb back on the wagon, and again thought I was doing well.

Then I hit the buffers last Thursday. I had an exceptionally stressful day, was really, really down in the evening, and ended up pouring a couple of large drinks and consoling myself by running back in to the arms of the chat site which has been at the heart of my addiction. What an idiot... Before I know it I'm back at square one, all the infatuation and anxiety about particular performers returns, all the self-hate and obsession with the situation the next day. My thoughts just going obsessively round and round in circles... Behaving like a pathetic teenager. My anxiety levels rising... "I think I've pissed her off with my neediness.... Will she be on tonight.... I wonder if she really cares...".

I hate being a slave... These are not rational thoughts. How I wish I'd never done this to my brain.

Hello all - I thought I'd read through this journal again to get my head back in to reboot journalling mode, and the above post I wrote almost exactly 6 months ago to the day is pretty much where I find myself again. I normalised a few minor slips, and lo and behold, I found myself back on that chat site, repeating the same destructive patterns. It's hard to believe I could let myself fall back in to that trap, but as we know, we are our own worst enemy...

My feelings are as they were back then too. Completely conflicted... Ruminating like mad, melancholic as if I could cry easily at the thought of leaving that stuff behind (chimp brain) vs knowing with extreme conviction that it is the right thing to do. This stuff is really bad for me - I will never, ever get the satisfaction from it that chimp brain craves. I need to get satisfaction in ways that can actually bring fulfillment.

In my previous reboot rollercoaster ride, I have learned alot and developed my own coping mechanisms. I hope these will help me, especially in the early days, when I'm in this mood. However I need to think about how I can take things a step further - how do I reduce the relapse risk? One thing I perhaps need to accept is that pretty much every time I have slipped, I have had a couple of beers - not much - but enough that chimp brain takes control - that hedonism thing is the way I've described it before.

I don't think I could honestly say I'm ready to commit to a dry reboot, but maybe I need to think about when it is safe and when it is not safe to open a beer. Maybe beer only on one or max two days a week, and maybe no more than three beers? I think I could commit to that.

I will try to keep checking in regularly - this forum is such a great help, especially in the early days. I'm off to think happy thoughts and try and lift my mood - I'm doing the right thing, feel good about yourself!!!

Stay strong.

0 days clean (parted ways with that site late last night)

 

[switched_off_again]

25/06/2019 23:48

Today's been OK. I'm back learning mindfulness and found an exercise called Sounds and Thoughts useful. Visualising thoughts and emotions as clouds that just keep passing by. My infatuation with a particular cam worker on that site is another of these clouds. Why does it fascinate me? It makes no sense. Yeah I know, chimp brain doesn't really care about sense... How easily the chimp becomes infatuated with a performer giving chimp the semblance of attention, interest and kindness (at a cost of course). The actual PMO is almost incidental - I am gripped more by getting some attention from a good looking person. I start to hurt when someone else (with more money) is able to get more attention. Jealousy... One of the many, many negative emotions. So bad for me.

I was out for a walk at lunchtime and had a wee laugh about the weirdness of triggers too. I saw a car with a Bulgarian number plate which was an instant trigger as pretty much all things east European are, because of the vast number of hours I have spent on certain sites. Will I ever disassociate these countries from these thoughts and emotions? I'm not actually sure that I will. It's a bit like how remnants of the infatuations you had as an adolescent continue to be buried in your mind. Just thought of another anecdote about infatuation which is just too plain weird to share, even here! The mysteries of the brain abound...

Anyway, I'm rambling.... Off to do 10 minutes practicing a mindfulness exercise then bed.

Stay strong all.

1 day clean

 

[cranm329]

[/i']Will I ever disassociate these countries from these thoughts and emotions? I'm not actually sure that I will. It's a bit like how remnants of the infatuations you had as an adolescent continue to be buried in your mind'

I can relate to this having chimp memories of Slovakian 'performers'. The adolescent, immature me demands excitement and the exotic. By training my human brain I've learnt to find constant pleasure and variation in the here and now, not half a continent away. Thanks for sharing some important insights.

 

[switched_off_again]

Thanks for responding cranm. Good to hear that you have experienced similar associations/ emotions and worked through them.

Today has been demanding in terms of work - at times I felt that I was getting that hyper and manic way which I have a tendency when in work mode. But the good thing is I recognised it happening and maybe my mindful practice helped me come back on to the level.

PMO wise - no cravings - just that occasional sense of loss and sadness I have experienced before at this stage in the process. "I will never see her again." type emotion. But it's just a temporary passing thought - recognise it for what it is - move on - focus on the here and now.

Stay strong all.

2 days clean

 

[switched_off_again]

28/06/2019 - 23:30

Checking in - not much to say because I'm on the level middle of my wide range of moods spectrum.

4 days clean

 

[switched_off_again]

29/06 -23.55

You're too anxious when they're out and too self-conscious when they're home. It really is no wonder that sex died a few years ago...

There's always a party going on somewhere else.

But still... Accept it and move on. There's always tomorrow.

5 days clean

 

[switched_off_again]

30/06 - 23.02

Yeah you've guessed it - last night's maudlin post was after a few beers at a family gathering, then a few more beers when I got home. I wasn't in the best of moods, it's fair to say, but didn't slip thankfully.

So onwards in to week 2 of current reboot. A busy week at work lies ahead. Feeling quite level headed though. I need to keep up my mindfulness practice. When I'm feeling ok, I'm less inclined to practice, but I think it definitely helps to keep at it - who knows when something will come along and knock me off track?

6 days clean

 

[BigMog]

Good luck for week two.
Yes, I find my longest streaks are when I?m disciplined with the mindfulness, reading from YBOP and generally looking after myself.
I?ve seen a quote to the effect that if you are not working on your recovery you?re working on your next relapse and I think it may be true for where we are at the moment.
Stay strong!

 

[switched_off_again]

02/07 - 22.30

Thanks BigMog

Relatively calm and steady at the moment. I was reflecting at one point about how I feel like I'm different people - when I'm steady and clean, the PMO user feels miles away, like a completely different person. But this evening I'm feeling a wee bit at a loose end and I can see how that gives PMO version of myself an opportunity to reappear. Of course I'm not going to let that happen. Stay aware. Keep busy, etc.

8 days clean

 

[switched_off_again]

04/07 - 22.59

I'm off work tomorrow and I'm in a relaxed and indulgent mood - often a recipe for relapse... Tonight my indulgence is a packet of tomato ketchup crisps I've been on a fasting diet for months now - crisps after 8pm is wicked!

Stay strong all and enjoy your crisps!

10 days clean

 

[switched_off_again]

06/07/2019 - 00.59

So I had a nice day off work yesterday - me and my wife went out shopping, eating and drinking. Both too tired at the end of the day to finish it in traditional date fashion. So I ended up MO'ing this morning - it was natural, entirely unrelated to P, and only happened because my wife had already got up. No guilt, no concern about relapse - it was the right thing to do to avoid any frustration or resentment.

Just need to be wary of the chaser effect, although not feeling it tonight. Happy to be on the wagon and in control.

Stay strong.

12 days clean

 

[J01]

A nice time spent out with the wife is a good reward in and of itself, a blessing in fact !  Good job and keep going!

 

[switched_off_again]

08/07 - 23.13

Feeling ok'ish. Maybe a bit anxious. Not sure why. Possibly stress of new car hunting or maybe because I'm suffering a bit of 'writer's block' at work and in hobbies. So need to be careful I don't seek comfort you know where. Of course that would be silly, very short-term comfort followed by lot's more anxiety. A mug's game...

Stay strong.

14 days clean