Woohoo! One week in! It's been a really good week so far, I've done well in my exams, I got a summer job, and I got closer with an old friend. I'm counting my blessings this week. I haven't been tempting myself with my addiction. I'm also really proud of my boyfriend because he has kept his promise and stayed off of P all month so far. It means a lot to me that he's sticking with it even though I messed up. I hope he notices a difference for himself!
Women's Addiction
- Thread starter kaybee
- Start date
S
SO Reboot Partner
Guest
kaybee said:
Great news. Shine on!
CyrusG
Member
Kaybee,
I am new to Reboot Nation and I am happy that I found this place. I had to exhale longer than usual after reading your story. I think your healing started when you opened up and shared your experiences. It helps to just be able to open up to people that will not judge you because we are all here with a common goal. Real people, real problems, and real support. Thank you for sharing your story.
I am new to Reboot Nation and I am happy that I found this place. I had to exhale longer than usual after reading your story. I think your healing started when you opened up and shared your experiences. It helps to just be able to open up to people that will not judge you because we are all here with a common goal. Real people, real problems, and real support. Thank you for sharing your story.
CyrusG said:
Welcome to Reboot Nation, Cyrus! I hope you find everything you're looking for here.
You know, everyone says they never got in "as deep" as me, or that they had to exhale longer than usual after my story, and things like that. But really, I feel like everyone has their own rock bottoms. Sexcams were definitely mine, but I don't see that as any worse or any better than what other people have experienced. If that hadn't been the straw to break the camel's back, then something else would have been. All of us Rebootinaters had that moment when we looked at ourselves and went, what's wrong with me?
Anyways, I'm now twelve days in. Two more days and I'll beat my record! (Since I started keeping track anyway) Seeing as I have exams all week, and then I'm going away for the weekend, I'm pretty confident I can keep myself busy enough not to stumble! The best part of this reboot process is that I feel so much closer to my fiance. I didn't even realize that I had been putting up a wall until I felt it coming down. I find myself thinking about him more often, and appreciating the little things that he does. To all you Reboot Partners out there, I apologize on behalf of all of us. We honestly don't know how much we're holding back. But it feels soooo good to be supported!
The hardest thing right now is that all the stress has been giving me acne like you wouldn't believe. On the bright side, my reflection is an automatic turn off whenever I get revved up! Hahaha, just kidding. But it's pretty bad. Has anyone else experienced that?
Alright, 16 days! I have beaten my record from my first reboot, and that feels pretty good.
I actually had a dream last night that I was watching porn. I was Skyping my fiancee, and he had bought 2 dozen yellow roses for our anniversary, and he was being super romantic and sweet, but I kept switching tabs and looking at videos. Sadly, I have done similar things in real life, so when I woke up I wasn't 100% sure if it had happened or not. Thankfully, it was just a really stupid dream. It feels good to feel that part of me switching more "off" every day. I'm struggling with some insomnia though. I think it's mostly because I had made that my habit to watch some videos before going to sleep, and now I'm unaccustomed. I've switched to youtube videos, mostly makeup tutorials and documentaries, but I think I should stop that too. I should be able to be alone with my thoughts long enough to fall asleep. Anyways, I was able to sleep in today and it's going to be a good day.
I actually had a dream last night that I was watching porn. I was Skyping my fiancee, and he had bought 2 dozen yellow roses for our anniversary, and he was being super romantic and sweet, but I kept switching tabs and looking at videos. Sadly, I have done similar things in real life, so when I woke up I wasn't 100% sure if it had happened or not. Thankfully, it was just a really stupid dream. It feels good to feel that part of me switching more "off" every day. I'm struggling with some insomnia though. I think it's mostly because I had made that my habit to watch some videos before going to sleep, and now I'm unaccustomed. I've switched to youtube videos, mostly makeup tutorials and documentaries, but I think I should stop that too. I should be able to be alone with my thoughts long enough to fall asleep. Anyways, I was able to sleep in today and it's going to be a good day.
I can strongly relate to that right now Kaybee. It's most likely part of the withdrawals. In my experience, I tend to find around 14-20 days my mood starts to take some sharp swings and starts to become more stable and positive after.
Don't be discouraged, you're doing great! As long as you stay strong and push through it, it's only going to get better.
Don't be discouraged, you're doing great! As long as you stay strong and push through it, it's only going to get better.
S
SO Reboot Partner
Guest
Kaybee said:
Less than a week and you will have met your first goal! Hang in there.
I relapsed. It wasn't stress, or anything. It was pure laziness and not giving a fuck. After it happened, I didn't feel bad (but I didn't feel good either) and so I just kept doing it. At first I told myself that I wasn't going to reset my counter because it was just a one-time slip up / no big deal, but apparently if I give myself an inch I take a mile.
I tried looking at the women and asking myself who they were, and why they were there, but the devil's lies are strong and when I want to believe them, I do.
I just feel really dumb. I wrote all that stuff about being strong, and gave myself all those reasons why I wouldn't do it again, but the second I really felt like it, I gave in. And then I didn't just give in once, but I let myself get carried away. I kept doing the same thing to trigger it, knowing full well how it would end. I feel like I cheated on my boyfriend, and on myself.
The only victory I can find in this whole fiasco is that I didn't go back to the "hardcore" stuff. I put that in quotations, because we all have our own versions of what that is. But seriously, that is the only bright side here. That's like saying, 'thank God I'm only doing heroine instead of crystal meth!'
So obviously, I'm still mad at myself and baffled as to why I did it in the first place. I was on a great streak, then I just gave up. Bravo to me.
I tried looking at the women and asking myself who they were, and why they were there, but the devil's lies are strong and when I want to believe them, I do.
I just feel really dumb. I wrote all that stuff about being strong, and gave myself all those reasons why I wouldn't do it again, but the second I really felt like it, I gave in. And then I didn't just give in once, but I let myself get carried away. I kept doing the same thing to trigger it, knowing full well how it would end. I feel like I cheated on my boyfriend, and on myself.
The only victory I can find in this whole fiasco is that I didn't go back to the "hardcore" stuff. I put that in quotations, because we all have our own versions of what that is. But seriously, that is the only bright side here. That's like saying, 'thank God I'm only doing heroine instead of crystal meth!'
So obviously, I'm still mad at myself and baffled as to why I did it in the first place. I was on a great streak, then I just gave up. Bravo to me.
Wanttobebetter
Member
Kaybee, Learn anything you can about your moods and triggers before your relapse. Then it is simple...first, forgive yourself. Simple...forgive yourself. Then start again. One hour at a time, one day at a time.
Forgive yourself. Learn what you can about what triggered your backslide. Move on. Everybody here loves you and doesn't care a bit that you slipped. They only care that you want to begin again.
Keep up the good fight. You'll get there.
Forgive yourself. Learn what you can about what triggered your backslide. Move on. Everybody here loves you and doesn't care a bit that you slipped. They only care that you want to begin again.
Keep up the good fight. You'll get there.
Thanks for asking, Dreieck, I hadn't really thought about it. I guess my new record is 18 days. Possibly 19 days, I can't recall for sure.
Thanks, Wanttobebetter, I actually really needed to hear that. I feel like I'm in this on my own, even though I have a very supportive fiancee, a great best friend who stands by me, and all of you guys cheering me on. It's great to be reminded of that.Wanttobebetter said:
Bibbity
Active Member
On the road to recovery there are many slips. What separates the successful from those that fail is what you do AFTER the slip up. Do you go back to your old ways or learn and move forward vowing to beat your old record. You identified some key behaviors here which is great. Next time you can be conscious of it. For a lot of addicts acting BEFORE a trigger is key. What are your triggers?
Wanttobebetter
Member
Hi Kaybee,
The greatest gift each of us receives in recovery is the absolute realization that we are not alone. Twenty two years ago a bunch of strangers demonstrated to me that none of my personal stories were news to them. They'd all been there. All they wanted to do was listen to me and let me know I wasn't alone. And the more I listened to them the more i learned. It's been one day at a time but I haven't had a drink since.
Same for you here in this place. A bunch of strangers who know exactly what you're going through and offer total support and no judgment. Fall down...no problem...let us help you back up.
The greatest gift each of us receives in recovery is the absolute realization that we are not alone. Twenty two years ago a bunch of strangers demonstrated to me that none of my personal stories were news to them. They'd all been there. All they wanted to do was listen to me and let me know I wasn't alone. And the more I listened to them the more i learned. It's been one day at a time but I haven't had a drink since.
Same for you here in this place. A bunch of strangers who know exactly what you're going through and offer total support and no judgment. Fall down...no problem...let us help you back up.
Bibbity said:
You know, that's a great question. I don't know if I can pinpoint exactly what my triggers are. Definitely sexy advertisements or scenes in movies, but there are other times when a thought just enters my mind and somehow leads to porn without me understanding how it gets there. (Wanttobebetter promised no judgement, so here goes) For instance, tonight at work I was leaning on a counter when a male employee walked by. He's very nice, but I'm not attracted to him sexually. However, the position I was in, and with him behind me, inevitably made me think of other scenarios that sent my mind racing. How can I control that? I didn't want to be thinking about it, but it was there. Even while I'm writing this, I make a conscious effort to sensor myself so as not to be a stumbling block for somebody, but another part of myself would be extremely 'turned on' to know that I had that power. I realize that it's totally sick to want to ruin another person's progress with their addiction, but those are the thoughts that I can't control that lead me to want to fantasize and watch videos. Even things like showering or getting dressed are problems for me, because I relate my own body so much to other women's bodies that I've seen, and that can set me off. That totally sounds like the height of narcissism, but my own body is a trigger. Honestly, what can I do about that? I feel like there is no way to avoid my triggers and I just have to face them full on, but that gets really hard, really fast. I feel tempted all the time. The only thing that stops me is conviction, but after holding off for so long, I just stop caring and let myself go and I wind up back at the bottom.
Bibbity
Active Member
Great response and I love your honesty! I think you are relating to your body in the way that porn intends you to relate to your body. It's called Self-objectification. When men view porn they objectify women and when women watch male oriented porn the objectify themselves. I have watched porn myself on plenty occasions while in my sexless marriage so I know how damaging that can be. It's like a subconscious aspect takes hold that makes you think of yourself only as a sexual being, you are disconnected from your true self and your true internal being or soul. You said you were not even attracted to that man yet you imagined yourself sexually with him. This is the shadow side of divine femininity. It is the height of self hatred. Narcissism at it's core is about not having your needs met so you seek others to fulfill your need. It sounds like you may have a need for significance perhaps? (we all have this need by the way). How can you get this need met in a more constructive way?
This is the part which isn't true. You have FULL control of your thoughts. It takes practice with replacing sexual thoughts with something else but it can be mastered. The world is designed to keep you in this hyped up sexual zombie state. Imagine how much brain power you would have without those sexual or porn related thoughts?
This is the part which isn't true. You have FULL control of your thoughts. It takes practice with replacing sexual thoughts with something else but it can be mastered. The world is designed to keep you in this hyped up sexual zombie state. Imagine how much brain power you would have without those sexual or porn related thoughts?
S
SO Reboot Partner
Guest
Kaybee said:
How about addressing why you're mad with him?
Edit - Are you really mad at him or looking for a reason to break your reboot?