I relapsed. It wasn't stress, or anything. It was pure laziness and not giving a fuck. After it happened, I didn't feel bad (but I didn't feel good either) and so I just kept doing it. At first I told myself that I wasn't going to reset my counter because it was just a one-time slip up / no big deal, but apparently if I give myself an inch I take a mile.
I tried looking at the women and asking myself who they were, and why they were there, but the devil's lies are strong and when I want to believe them, I do.
I just feel really dumb. I wrote all that stuff about being strong, and gave myself all those reasons why I wouldn't do it again, but the second I really felt like it, I gave in. And then I didn't just give in once, but I let myself get carried away. I kept doing the same thing to trigger it, knowing full well how it would end. I feel like I cheated on my boyfriend, and on myself.
The only victory I can find in this whole fiasco is that I didn't go back to the "hardcore" stuff. I put that in quotations, because we all have our own versions of what that is. But seriously, that is the only bright side here. That's like saying, 'thank God I'm only doing heroine instead of crystal meth!'
So obviously, I'm still mad at myself and baffled as to why I did it in the first place. I was on a great streak, then I just gave up. Bravo to me.