Women's Addiction

[kaybee]

No, it was just because he was supposed to call, but he slept through it until it was too late. So it's not really a deeper issue, I was just mad and my knee-jerk reaction was porn. Which I did not turn to, so yay for me.

Your edit is a good point. That may have been the case!

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

No, it was just because he was supposed to call, but he slept through it until it was too late. So it's not really a deeper issue, I was just mad and my knee-jerk reaction was porn. Which I did not turn to, so yay for me.

Your edit is a good point. That may have been the case!

hang in there, it gets easier and a lot less weight on your mind!

You can do this!

 

[kaybee]

Thanks

 

[kaybee]

I don't know why I ever try hiding things from my fiancee, or bother being angry at him. I was busy feeling guilty with myself for having been extremely attracted to a male friend of mine, and instead of just being honest and straight up with my fiancee, I decided to be angry with him to deflect from me (which you saw last night). However, I had an epiphany while I was driving my car today (which is pretty dangerous) and I realized that I've just being sexualizing my friend in the same way that I've been over sexualizing myself. I had to take a deep breath and realize that this is a symptom of my addiction, and I just have to be faithful that this too shall pass. I spent all last night and all day today being conflicted and shamed about fantasies with this guy, when I should have just been honest with my partner. I have so much respect for you women who are sticking by your men with this problem, because we are honestly a WRECK! I was thinking about leaving my partner because I felt so guilty about thinking things like that about other men, and he doesn't deserve that. But once I spoke to him about it he reassured me that he doesn't deserve it, but he's going to stick by me anyways because he knows that it isn't who I really am.
Long story short, I've realized a pattern in my past behavior and now recognize it as withdrawal symptoms. I've felt on the brink of tears all day, as well as anxious, guilty and suspicious.  I had similar emotions last summer when I went on vacation (away from a computer and porn) and I had no idea where they were coming from. What a relief to know I'm not going crazy, I'm just on the road to recovery!

O precious is the flow that washed me white as snow. No other fount I know, nothing but the blood of Jesus.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

I don't know why I ever try hiding things from my fiancee, or bother being angry at him. I was busy feeling guilty with myself for having been extremely attracted to a male friend of mine, and instead of just being honest and straight up with my fiancee, I decided to be angry with him to deflect from me (which you saw last night). However, I had an epiphany while I was driving my car today (which is pretty dangerous) and I realized that I've just being sexualizing my friend in the same way that I've been over sexualizing myself. I had to take a deep breath and realize that this is a symptom of my addiction, and I just have to be faithful that this too shall pass. I spent all last night and all day today being conflicted and shamed about fantasies with this guy, when I should have just been honest with my partner. I have so much respect for you women who are sticking by your men with this problem, because we are honestly a WRECK! I was thinking about leaving my partner because I felt so guilty about thinking things like that about other men, and he doesn't deserve that. But once I spoke to him about it he reassured me that he doesn't deserve it, but he's going to stick by me anyways because he knows that it isn't who I really am.
Long story short, I've realized a pattern in my past behavior and now recognize it as withdrawal symptoms. I've felt on the brink of tears all day, as well as anxious, guilty and suspicious.  I had similar emotions last summer when I went on vacation (away from a computer and porn) and I had no idea where they were coming from. What a relief to know I'm not going crazy, I'm just on the road to recovery!

O precious is the flow that washed me white as snow. No other fount I know, nothing but the blood of Jesus.

It sounds like you have a keeper there, Kaybee!

 

[Bibbity]

Kaybee you are doing GREAT!! keep those emotions coming and let your feminine energy heal you.  When you get your healthy sexuality back you will be a whole person again.  Not this fragmented disjointed self.

During my sexless marriage I fantasized a LOT about other men and wish I could have acted but it was against my morals so I didn't do anything.  I have had to forgive myself for that and part of that forgiveness was coming clean to my husband about it.  I also felt terrible about watching porn.  They were dark days in both my sexual identity and marriage.

 

[kaybee]

It sounds like you have a keeper there, Kaybee!

I sure do!  ;D

Kaybee you are doing GREAT!! keep those emotions coming and let your feminine energy heal you.  When you get your healthy sexuality back you will be a whole person again.  Not this fragmented disjointed self.

During my sexless marriage I fantasized a LOT about other men and wish I could have acted but it was against my morals so I didn't do anything.  I have had to forgive myself for that and part of that forgiveness was coming clean to my husband about it.  I also felt terrible about watching porn.  They were dark days in both my sexual identity and marriage.

Thankfully I don't have any qualms about confessing when I've done wrong. I make it a habit to tell my fiancee even the littlest thing, like a customer flirting with me at work, just so I don't have that feeling of keeping a secret. I kept my sexuality and all of the things involved with that a secret for way, way, way too long and look how that manifested. I pretended to be the perfect virginal, innocent Christian girl with all of my friends and family, then took my clothes off for strangers at night. Nope. Not letting it go back there again!
Forgiving myself is always the hardest part. My man forgives me time after time, and never holds anything against me. I however, still obsess over mistakes I made in high school, or bad choices I made years ago. I don't feel like I can fully forgive myself until I beat this problem, because my mom always taught me that "sorry means you won't do it again".  As much as I can tell myself I won't flirt with guys, or dress provocatively with malicious intent, or go back to certain websites again, my track record indicates that I will. I need to kick this monster to the curb before I can trust myself enough to forgive myself.

 

[kaybee]

Okay, so day 10 brought with it random crying and a depressed mood, but I was ready for it. I said, this is a symptom not a reality, and I sucked it up and got back to work. My mind is playing over time right now, making up fantasies for everyone I see to make up for the lack of porn. This time around it's more annoying than troublesome. When half my brain is whispering "hey good looking, I'll ****** if you ****", the other half is screaming at it to calm down. What I need to work on is not letting myself slip into apathy again. I need to constantly remind myself why this is worth doing.

 

[kaybee]

Aaaaarg! Feeling so tempted! Time to shut off the computer and go to sleep!

 

[Rainiegirl]

do you like to read? When I quit porn years ago I found reading at my worst times helpful

 

[Wanttobebetter]

Kaybee, your post on the 19th was great. Half your brain saying this and half your brain saying that has got to happen to all of us , especially until we get it sorted out and take control. Don't look for 100% yet. Tomorrow strive for catching your "hey good looking..." A second earlier, next week a few seconds earlier. I caught mysel today driving down the street and saw woman who's behind caught my eye. I consciously said to myself, "...stop that!" And one second later down the street thought, "It's working, I'm gaining."
Sharing your perspective as a woman is really helpful for me. I thank you? Keep talking and everyone will keep talking back and we will help you too! We are all in this together.

 

[Wanttobebetter]

That one tiny victory for me today was huge.

 

[kaybee]

do you like to read? When I quit porn years ago I found reading at my worst times helpful

I do like to read, that's a great idea!

Kaybee, your post on the 19th was great. Half your brain saying this and half your brain saying that has got to happen to all of us , especially until we get it sorted out and take control. Don't look for 100% yet. Tomorrow strive for catching your "hey good looking..." A second earlier, next week a few seconds earlier. I caught mysel today driving down the street and saw woman who's behind caught my eye. I consciously said to myself, "...stop that!" And one second later down the street thought, "It's working, I'm gaining."
Sharing your perspective as a woman is really helpful for me. I thank you? Keep talking and everyone will keep talking back and we will help you too! We are all in this together.

I read your suggestion when you posted it a couple of days ago and I've been thinking that now when I catch myself doing it. The best thing is that it's really not that hard to stop once I catch myself. The problems only begin when I allow them to.
I've been working a lot lately. This coming Tuesday will be my first and only complete day off this month. I feel really good about keeping busy. I'm tired, but it's a good kind of tired and I feel like I accomplish something each day. Back when my addiction was at its worst, I was only working around 20 hours a week and I still felt stressed all the time. I guess it shows what a difference applying yourself instead of locking yourself in front of a computer screen can make. I'm happier and more confident than I've felt in a while. The only stress in my life is that my fiance and I have had very little time to spend together. We have been arguing, but it's only little things that could be remedied by more emotional intimacy. It's tough because I know my second job is taking time away from him, but I also feel that it's taking time away from porn.

 

[Wanttobebetter]

Kaybee, great to hear it's working. I still find myself spotting an anatomy, or the hair, or the face, but now I immediately say to myself, "no! Don't do that!" It breaks the cycle of the moment. And that moment is one our minds have learned to seek and revel in over for years. Now we have to be stronger than that moment and make it stop right there. That object over there is a woman, not just a curvy anatomy! Selfishly, taking control of that moment really gives a sense of normalcy in my life which leads to increased self worth and self confidence. And it is also a great feeling to simply respect that other human being rather than  ogle and fantasize like the stereotypical hobo with nothing on under his raincoat.
The whole rewire is a total win. We win because we are taking back control. We win because the victory helps our image of self. We win because our brains are rewiring to see humanity, not just sexuality. And perhaps most importantly, we win because women win. Bless women. Bless the woman in my life. She brings me stability and guidance and balance. Now I will be able to give her undivided attention and respect and focused love.  I am clearly not there yet, but dammit I'm making strides and success comes from success!  I encourage others to try this approach. It is honest and it causes the pauses. And pauses are all we need, for now. Pauses give us moments to just think.

 

[Questions]

Hello, Im new to the forums, and I really need some help....could anybody here read my post that I made today in this section of the forums? I really need help...please...thanks

 

[Wanttobebetter]

We're here for you, Questions. Where is your post ? Or just write your problems here and we can understand what ails you and your fears and get about giving you some help!

 

[kaybee]

Here we are, day 18!! This was around the same time I slipped up last time, so I am proud to report that I am going strong. I did have a little lapse in my mind today. I was reflecting to myself how I always used to search for the "perfect" video. I obviously never found it because the nature of pornography is to keep you searching for new images and to not settle with one image forever. But thinking of that made me remember two videos that I had considered "near perfect". I let myself remember them for around 30 seconds before I mentally slapped myself in the face. Then just now as I was writing this I remembered them again and allowed myself around 10 seconds. So thanks to Wantobebetter for the advice on stopping yourself quicker each time! I'm competitive, so making it a challenge like that really helps.
Now, I had made a comment on Question's journal talking about how I have been avoiding the topic of my watching lesbian porn. It was something that made me really uncomfortable as a heterosexual woman and I didn't know how to address it. I want to be clear that I am attracted to women within the context of pornography (which is designed to entice) and not in real life. I view this as a symptom of porn addiction, as it wasn't present in my life before that. I just think it's really funny that I was debating how to admit it when Questions left her comment, then I admitted it, and then this VERY NIGHT, I was flirted with by a lesbian woman! Never in my life have I experienced that, but it was a relief to me that other than being very flattered, I felt nothing for this woman who was admittedly very pretty. Talk about God's perfect timing and sense of humour! Admit it was a struggle and immediately be presented with an opportunity to overcome the struggle. LOL!  So suffice it to say that I feel more confident than ever that porn changed my personality, but I am changing it back.

 

[kaybee]

24 days! My best so far, and so so so close to my goal! It's cool to be able to say that each day is beating my personal best. 31 days? I've got this. My only question is how to choose a new goal after I beat this one?

 

[Bibbity]

24 days! My best so far, and so so so close to my goal! It's cool to be able to say that each day is beating my personal best. 31 days? I've got this. My only question is how to choose a new goal after I beat this one?

Booya!!!!!

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ Kaybee

24 days! My best so far, and so so so close to my goal! It's cool to be able to say that each day is beating my personal best. 31 days? I've got this. My only question is how to choose a new goal after I beat this one?

Congrats Kaybee! We are all rooting for you and believe in you. You and I both know life and pleasure are better experienced away from porn. Don't ever forget the fact that giving up porn is not about missing out on pleasure, but about experiencing more pleasure and joy.

You are doing great!

My advice on choosing a new goal is double it. Go for two months. Then four and so on. At some point I would stop setting a goal and except the mindset that porn is something you simply won't ever intentionally watch again because you simply do not desire it.

Much love