Women's Addiction
- Thread starter kaybee
- Start date
;D 
WOOPWOOP! :
I did it! Thanks so much for supporting me through this first month, every body! I already feel like a different person than I did a month ago. I feel a lot less angry and frustrated, and I've noticed a difference in the way that I look at other people. I have urges to look at porn a lot less, and when I do it gets easier to say no. I cannot believe how incredibly long this month felt. At the beginning of my reboot I said that it would be no problem to go a month without, but I was clearly wrong. It makes me wonder when the last time I went a full 31 days without porn really was. Scary! But I think you are right Gabe, I'm going to double my goal for this next portion. I should work towards my lifetime as the goal, but for right now the competitive part of me is enjoying the challenge of 62 days. Mojo, I'm sad and glad to hear that you relate to my journal. Sad because my story really sucks, and glad because I feel amazing right now and you have to chance to feel great too. Where are you at right now? Are you starting a reboot?
WOOPWOOP! :I did it! Thanks so much for supporting me through this first month, every body! I already feel like a different person than I did a month ago. I feel a lot less angry and frustrated, and I've noticed a difference in the way that I look at other people. I have urges to look at porn a lot less, and when I do it gets easier to say no. I cannot believe how incredibly long this month felt. At the beginning of my reboot I said that it would be no problem to go a month without, but I was clearly wrong. It makes me wonder when the last time I went a full 31 days without porn really was. Scary! But I think you are right Gabe, I'm going to double my goal for this next portion. I should work towards my lifetime as the goal, but for right now the competitive part of me is enjoying the challenge of 62 days. Mojo, I'm sad and glad to hear that you relate to my journal. Sad because my story really sucks, and glad because I feel amazing right now and you have to chance to feel great too. Where are you at right now? Are you starting a reboot?
I've made a series of missteps lately, but fortunately none of them have ended in a relapse. Unfortunately, the images in my mind have come back and we all know how hard those are to get rid of. In the past 35 days or so I've only M'd 3 times, all without O-ing. The first 2 times I was able to keep my thoughts on my fiancee and I, but this last time an image came into my mind that was so disturbing it made me stop and cry. I am sick of having these thoughts. I thought I was over it. The idea that part of my mind would find that arousing disgusts me to my core. To try and get it out of my head, I resorted to looking at bikini pictures - bad call! I stopped myself after a minute and did not MO. So this has been a week of ups and downs, just like Gabe predicted. Okay - what lead to my downs? M-ing, which was caused by flirting with men who I shouldn't have been looking at. What lead to my ups? Sticking strong and not allowing myself to ruin all my progress. Learning how to say no to myself. Not letting myself slip into apathy again.
I dunno... still feels like downs. This image in my head is making me feel like I watched porn recently and I have trouble believing I didn't.
I dunno... still feels like downs. This image in my head is making me feel like I watched porn recently and I have trouble believing I didn't.
Bibbity
Active Member
This is what I like to call "extinction bursts". When you are getting rid of a habit your brain will go through a sudden resurgence of stimuli to get you to go back to the "old ways". It comes on strong and intense so you are doing amazingly well!! Even though you made a poor choice to try and get rid of the image you managed to still hold strong.
Those images will fade in time and don't judge yourself for it popping up. YOU are in control now. They aren't going to make you do anything and they aren't going to make you feel bad about yourself anymore.
Those images will fade in time and don't judge yourself for it popping up. YOU are in control now. They aren't going to make you do anything and they aren't going to make you feel bad about yourself anymore.
Right now it's really hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that this is an addiction and I will never be able to go back to watching porn casually. As much as I hate everything about it, in this moment I also really miss it.
I told a friend about my porn addiction yesterday. He talks about porn constantly and is always making me cringe with his stories. I started by saying, "You know, porn addiction is a real thing. Do you ever think that you watch too much?" and he replied with something like, "You can never have too much!" He changed the subject and after a while porn came up again and I said, "I have to be honest with you, I suffer from porn addiction, I'm 40 days clean, and you talk about porn waaaay too much". He went, "Are you serious?" then said, "Well you don't have to be ashamed, you know" which was very nice. But then he said that he figures only religious people like me are bothered by it, and we're the only ones who claim to have an addiction. So I told him about this group, and how there are a lot of guys here who quit because they got E.D. and he changed the subject so fast I got whiplash. I don't see him bringing it up again, and I kind of regret telling him. :-\
I told a friend about my porn addiction yesterday. He talks about porn constantly and is always making me cringe with his stories. I started by saying, "You know, porn addiction is a real thing. Do you ever think that you watch too much?" and he replied with something like, "You can never have too much!" He changed the subject and after a while porn came up again and I said, "I have to be honest with you, I suffer from porn addiction, I'm 40 days clean, and you talk about porn waaaay too much". He went, "Are you serious?" then said, "Well you don't have to be ashamed, you know" which was very nice. But then he said that he figures only religious people like me are bothered by it, and we're the only ones who claim to have an addiction. So I told him about this group, and how there are a lot of guys here who quit because they got E.D. and he changed the subject so fast I got whiplash. I don't see him bringing it up again, and I kind of regret telling him. :-\
Bibbity
Active Member
Kaybee I would say your friend probably had a 'lightbulb' moment there when you mentioned ED. He might be in YBOP right now
Anyway I don't think you should feel bad about telling him. Vulnerability and honesty are always the best policies when battling addiction. Letting the light shine in, instead of the shadowy secrets is the way out. You did great!
Anyway I don't think you should feel bad about telling him. Vulnerability and honesty are always the best policies when battling addiction. Letting the light shine in, instead of the shadowy secrets is the way out. You did great!
PMOVictory
Active Member
Hi Kaybee
Thank you for sharing your story. It sure made it easier for me to give more detail on my story. Hope it is going good with your reboot.
I'm so glad to have read about how you just did not give up, and how you after each relapse just picked yourself up and went for it. Surely it is a great inspiration for everyone and all can learn a valuable lesson from it.
It's been a while since your last post. Hope that you are still keeping it up, especially now that you are so close to your 62nd day goal.
8)
Thank you for sharing your story. It sure made it easier for me to give more detail on my story. Hope it is going good with your reboot.
I'm so glad to have read about how you just did not give up, and how you after each relapse just picked yourself up and went for it. Surely it is a great inspiration for everyone and all can learn a valuable lesson from it.
It's been a while since your last post. Hope that you are still keeping it up, especially now that you are so close to your 62nd day goal.
8)
lilnavadaa
Member
Hello sister I too am a fellow christian and have felt that extreme shame of my involvement in porn read my story lilnavadaa life in darkness.. don't kill yourself that won't be good when u go before the Judge.. I have also felt that despair its sucks so badly.. NEVER give up!! Thank you for sharing your story ..really it helps with my struggle..
Good luck sister .. there is light
Good luck sister .. there is light
LarrySheets
Member
Kaybee said:
You shouldn't regret telling him! I wish a girl friend of mine had brought that up with me. It would have moved me to start making changes years before I have. Good for you for being corageous!
No worries, people! I'm still here and still going strong. I've been keeping myself busy and earning some extra money by working six or seven day weeks. Needless to say I have been way too tired to write a new post lately, but I have still been coming on here and reading journals. I've been listening to the YourBrainOnPorn radio show too; if you haven't heard it you should check it out. It's really cool to hear other people talking out loud about this issue.
5 days to go until I reach 2 months! I'm kind of in awe. It feels like so much longer. The last update about my friend I told is pretty much in the same place still. We haven't had time to hang out lately, but we've texted so I guess he wasn't too weirded out. He hasn't brought anything up about porn though.
I had an interesting encounter three days ago. I work at a place that lets me meet a lot of people from all over the world, and I met three young women from Quebec. I was excited because I speak French but I don't have a lot of opportunities to use it. As soon as I finished my first interaction with them however, my coworker informed me that they were prostitutes. Apparently we get a lot of young women from Quebec, and nearly all of them are sex workers. I was so, so, so disappointed to learn that because I had really gotten along with them. Unfortunately as the night went on I saw them come back wearing skimpy outfits, with men following them. It made me realize that I have a very strong connection with women in that situation because of my experience with webcams. I see us as both being sex workers, which is something I never really thought about myself before. I just wanted to talk to them and make sure that they were okay, and to tell them that if they wanted to get out that there are ways to get out. I wanted to tell them about how I hated myself, and wanted to kill myself, but how I made a change and now I love my life. I called my fiancee and told him about them, and we prayed for them and I just started bawling. It made me realize that I have a need to help women in that kind of situation. I've always known that God allowed me to put myself through that horrible experience for a reason. I used to think it was so I could warn other girls, but now I wonder if I'm supposed to help sex workers. It's a scary thought, and I don't even know where I would begin!
On a personal level, I haven't been too tempted to watch pornography as of late. Obviously I've been tempted, but not TOO tempted. I have been M'ing more frequently (#awkwardthingsyouonlyadmitonline) but I'm glad to say that the unwelcome images I mentioned before haven't come back. If my mind wanders it's because I'm allowing it to, and I can quickly make myself stop. I gotta say, it feels good to be back in control.
5 days to go until I reach 2 months! I'm kind of in awe. It feels like so much longer. The last update about my friend I told is pretty much in the same place still. We haven't had time to hang out lately, but we've texted so I guess he wasn't too weirded out. He hasn't brought anything up about porn though.
I had an interesting encounter three days ago. I work at a place that lets me meet a lot of people from all over the world, and I met three young women from Quebec. I was excited because I speak French but I don't have a lot of opportunities to use it. As soon as I finished my first interaction with them however, my coworker informed me that they were prostitutes. Apparently we get a lot of young women from Quebec, and nearly all of them are sex workers. I was so, so, so disappointed to learn that because I had really gotten along with them. Unfortunately as the night went on I saw them come back wearing skimpy outfits, with men following them. It made me realize that I have a very strong connection with women in that situation because of my experience with webcams. I see us as both being sex workers, which is something I never really thought about myself before. I just wanted to talk to them and make sure that they were okay, and to tell them that if they wanted to get out that there are ways to get out. I wanted to tell them about how I hated myself, and wanted to kill myself, but how I made a change and now I love my life. I called my fiancee and told him about them, and we prayed for them and I just started bawling. It made me realize that I have a need to help women in that kind of situation. I've always known that God allowed me to put myself through that horrible experience for a reason. I used to think it was so I could warn other girls, but now I wonder if I'm supposed to help sex workers. It's a scary thought, and I don't even know where I would begin!
On a personal level, I haven't been too tempted to watch pornography as of late. Obviously I've been tempted, but not TOO tempted.
I have been M'ing more frequently (#awkwardthingsyouonlyadmitonline) but I'm glad to say that the unwelcome images I mentioned before haven't come back. If my mind wanders it's because I'm allowing it to, and I can quickly make myself stop. I gotta say, it feels good to be back in control.
Viper
Well-Known Member
Kaybee said:No worries, people! I'm still here and still going strong. I've been keeping myself busy and earning some extra money by working six or seven day weeks. Needless to say I have been way too tired to write a new post lately, but I have still been coming on here and reading journals. I've been listening to the YourBrainOnPorn radio show too; if you haven't heard it you should check it out. It's really cool to hear other people talking out loud about this issue.
5 days to go until I reach 2 months! I'm kind of in awe. It feels like so much longer. The last update about my friend I told is pretty much in the same place still. We haven't had time to hang out lately, but we've texted so I guess he wasn't too weirded out. He hasn't brought anything up about porn though.
I had an interesting encounter three days ago. I work at a place that lets me meet a lot of people from all over the world, and I met three young women from Quebec. I was excited because I speak French but I don't have a lot of opportunities to use it. As soon as I finished my first interaction with them however, my coworker informed me that they were prostitutes. Apparently we get a lot of young women from Quebec, and nearly all of them are sex workers. I was so, so, so disappointed to learn that because I had really gotten along with them. Unfortunately as the night went on I saw them come back wearing skimpy outfits, with men following them. It made me realize that I have a very strong connection with women in that situation because of my experience with webcams. I see us as both being sex workers, which is something I never really thought about myself before. I just wanted to talk to them and make sure that they were okay, and to tell them that if they wanted to get out that there are ways to get out. I wanted to tell them about how I hated myself, and wanted to kill myself, but how I made a change and now I love my life. I called my fiancee and told him about them, and we prayed for them and I just started bawling. It made me realize that I have a need to help women in that kind of situation. I've always known that God allowed me to put myself through that horrible experience for a reason. I used to think it was so I could warn other girls, but now I wonder if I'm supposed to help sex workers. It's a scary thought, and I don't even know where I would begin!
On a personal level, I haven't been too tempted to watch pornography as of late. Obviously I've been tempted, but not TOO tempted.
There is this saying that water seeks it's own level. Through your lens, these 3 young women seem
normal because for you at one point, that was normal. At least at the webcam level but even you say yourself you
were a sex worker of sorts in a way.
My advice on helping prostitutes is reaching out to organizations who's mission is to help these ladies turn their lives around.
It's not as easy as befriending them and trying to convince them that they're living a destructive life.
I didn't mean I think that being a prostitute is normal, I meant that they are just average women. If life had been different for them, they could have been anything and anyone. If you help them get away from the bedroom, they can be anyone the want to be. Conversely, any one of us, if placed in their situations, might have chosen the same career.
2 months!!! Did I think at the start of my reboot that I would get here? Heck yes, I thought it would be easy. The surprising part was how long it took, and how hard it really was. I think I thought that the start would be easy and it would get harder the longer I went, but it's turning out to be the opposite. I just typed "some days I don't even think about porn", but I had to erase it. That's not true yet, but I feel like it will be in time. Each day has its ups and downs, with an overall trend towards recovery. I'm reading more, I'm working harder, I'm exercising ... I'm still putting off laundry, but nobody's perfect.... and I just feel all-around better about myself. I look in the mirror and don't think about other women's flat stomachs and awe-inspiring bottoms. I also don't think "BBW", I just think "Nice. Nice work, genetics." Is that due to quitting porn? Who knows, but it's new and it's nice.
So that friend I told about my addiction? He's probskies reading this update sometime soon. (Hey you! Thanks for supporting me!) We talked again, and he told me again how he doesn't think I need to be embarrassed to tell people. I know that in theory, but it's still nice to be reminded. Now the only thing I need to be embarrassed about is that I showed him my journal and then realized a few hours later that I totally have updates about M-ing..... Haha... Awkward! Oh well, it's just good to have more support. If you guys reading this haven't told anyone, I suggest doing so. It takes away that feeling of alienation, and honestly I think most people would understand. So far I'm shooting 3 for 3. Don't be a chicken, just do it!
So that friend I told about my addiction? He's probskies reading this update sometime soon. (Hey you! Thanks for supporting me!) We talked again, and he told me again how he doesn't think I need to be embarrassed to tell people. I know that in theory, but it's still nice to be reminded. Now the only thing I need to be embarrassed about is that I showed him my journal and then realized a few hours later that I totally have updates about M-ing..... Haha... Awkward! Oh well, it's just good to have more support. If you guys reading this haven't told anyone, I suggest doing so. It takes away that feeling of alienation, and honestly I think most people would understand. So far I'm shooting 3 for 3. Don't be a chicken, just do it!
PMOVictory
Active Member
Kaybee
I am proud of your achievements!
You have gone through a lot and you are still hanging in there.
You are reaching your goal in a couple of days. What does the road look like for you going forward?
I am proud of your achievements!
You have gone through a lot and you are still hanging in there.
You are reaching your goal in a couple of days. What does the road look like for you going forward?
Well. I messed up.
This last week has honestly been one of the most stressful of my life. I broke up with my fiancee, then we got back together. My grandma, my favorite person in the world, died... and then came back to life. I've been kind of (understandably I think) freaked out, and I handled it very, very badly. I ruined soooooooo much progress and I just can't believe myself. I was there! I was so close to 90 days! Then I told my fiancee about it and he was just like, "Oh that's okay. Don't think about it". And I was like, "It's not okay. If I was a heroin addict and I was almost 3 months clean and then went back to it as soon as I had a bad week, then you wouldn't be saying it was okay." I don't think he realizes that this is a real thing. And that this is going to be the rest of my life now.
This last week has honestly been one of the most stressful of my life. I broke up with my fiancee, then we got back together. My grandma, my favorite person in the world, died... and then came back to life. I've been kind of (understandably I think) freaked out, and I handled it very, very badly. I ruined soooooooo much progress and I just can't believe myself. I was there! I was so close to 90 days! Then I told my fiancee about it and he was just like, "Oh that's okay. Don't think about it". And I was like, "It's not okay. If I was a heroin addict and I was almost 3 months clean and then went back to it as soon as I had a bad week, then you wouldn't be saying it was okay." I don't think he realizes that this is a real thing. And that this is going to be the rest of my life now.
PMOVictory
Active Member
Hi Kaybee
Sorry to hear about all your struggles and grief. I just want to comfort you!
It will not be the rest of your life. You have come a long way. You have been dealing with a lot of gunk in your life and a quick relapse will not undo all that you have accomplished.
It is like you are in your car on the road, lets say a journey of 500 miles.
Sure there will be bumps in the road.
Some times even pot holes.
Now say for example you have been dodging all of the pot holes and you were traveling for 450 miles and BANG!
You have just hit a pot hole but not just that, it flattened the tyre. OOPS What now.
Do you stop and change the tyre and go back 450 miles to start your journey all over again?
I don't think so!!!
Yes; you get in the car and continue the journey.
And this is exactly what you are going to do!
Sure you sit with a damaged flat tyre in the back of the trunk. But guess what...? You get in the car and carry on, and at the nearest gas station you get that damn tyre fixed.
Learn from what happened.
Identify your triggers and continue with life.
And for your fiancee, send him to hell in a way that he will look forward to the trip. :-(
NOOO don't do that just joking.
Obviously he does not understand how important this is for you.
Don't judge him, educate him!
Stay strong and be Blessed!
Sorry to hear about all your struggles and grief. I just want to comfort you!
It will not be the rest of your life. You have come a long way. You have been dealing with a lot of gunk in your life and a quick relapse will not undo all that you have accomplished.
It is like you are in your car on the road, lets say a journey of 500 miles.
Sure there will be bumps in the road.
Some times even pot holes.
Now say for example you have been dodging all of the pot holes and you were traveling for 450 miles and BANG!
You have just hit a pot hole but not just that, it flattened the tyre. OOPS What now.
Do you stop and change the tyre and go back 450 miles to start your journey all over again?
I don't think so!!!
Yes; you get in the car and continue the journey.
And this is exactly what you are going to do!
Sure you sit with a damaged flat tyre in the back of the trunk. But guess what...? You get in the car and carry on, and at the nearest gas station you get that damn tyre fixed.
Learn from what happened.
Identify your triggers and continue with life.
And for your fiancee, send him to hell in a way that he will look forward to the trip. :-(
NOOO don't do that just joking.
Obviously he does not understand how important this is for you.
Don't judge him, educate him!
Stay strong and be Blessed!
Bibbity
Active Member
Kaybee if you were a recovering heroine addict and you were a successfully recovered you would have some relapse stories to share. Relapse is part of the process, it's what you do after that defines you. Make the relapse count by coming up with new ways to deal with stress. You can't justify porn anymore, you don't want it in your life.
You are still doing well and look how far you've comd!
You are still doing well and look how far you've comd!
I recently went back to the bible camp I work at every summer. I worked in the kitchens for a week instead of counselling because I didn't feel I was in a good enough place with God, or really myself to be much support to the girls. I didn't know what to expect and didn't know why I was going but I felt like I was supposed to go. I actually got a lot out of it. It was our teen camp, so the speaker was focusing on the tough issues that she felt teens needed to hear about. She talked about being sexually abused by a guy her age when she was in high school, among other things. She also urged the teens to think about bad influences in their lives, like pornography. You can tell porn's becoming a serious problem when it becomes a topic of conversation among pastors and teens at a bible camp. I talked to the speaker about my past, and she prayed for me, and I was able to let go of the anger I'd been holding onto for 8 years and forgive the boy who hurt me in high school. He was just a young boy trying to figure things out, and he went about it the wrong way. I have no reason to believe that he grew up to be a sexual deviant. I also told her about the sex cams, which is something I've never confessed in person before - (I just let my friends read about it, and my fiance knew before hand.)
The biggest thing that happened though was when one of the male counselors stood up at campfire one night and talked about his own struggle with alcohol and pornography addiction. I thought it was so brave and so honest for him to confess not only to the teens, but also to the other adults working there. (Many of us are long time friends, but I had never heard that side of him before) I was so thankful that I got to be there to hear him say that to those kids, and to not be ashamed of it. It made me feel more confident in talking about my struggle with porn addiction. The whole experience was honestly exactly what I needed at the exact right moment.
The biggest thing that happened though was when one of the male counselors stood up at campfire one night and talked about his own struggle with alcohol and pornography addiction. I thought it was so brave and so honest for him to confess not only to the teens, but also to the other adults working there. (Many of us are long time friends, but I had never heard that side of him before) I was so thankful that I got to be there to hear him say that to those kids, and to not be ashamed of it. It made me feel more confident in talking about my struggle with porn addiction. The whole experience was honestly exactly what I needed at the exact right moment.