Thank you guys all so much for your support. It really means the world to me that complete strangers are concerned about my well-being. I haven't been writing, but I've been checking your replies. One of the things that my assailant took away from me was my sense of trust. My motto actually used to be, "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers" (which, if you've seen Streetcar, is pretty ironic right about now) and I really wish that was still true. I never had a reason to mistrust people before, and now when I'm talking to a man my age, I get a little scared and that just kills me because I know he is probably just a nice man.
I've seen a therapist twice now, I wish I could see him more but he only likes to meet every two weeks. It's been really helpful to talk about what I'm feeling with someone who doesn't love me. I feel bad to bring it up with my family because it just hurts them to think about it. There's actually a part on the paperwork for the counselor that asks about addictions.... I checked yes, but when he asked me about it I said I didn't want to talk about it yet. I don't know, what do you guys think? I know, as a sexual addiction, it's probably pretty important to mention. But on the other hand, I just want to focus on getting past the rape and I don't want him to obsess on the porn addiction. I feel like I'm handling it very well. Especially since the assault, I haven't really thought about porn at all. I was really afraid that it would be a trigger but it's had the opposite effect. The last time I was in an abusive situation I thought it was my fault, and I internalized that and shamed myself and punished myself with the web cams because I thought that was all that a girl like me was good for. This time I realize that it's not my fault, and I can still be anyone I want to be. The same goes for porn. If anything, this has strengthened my resolve that porn is evil. I definitely do not need to see any more abuses taking place.
You guys aren't going to like this, but I talked to my rapist.
I feel really, really good about that. I feel more powerful and human again.
The main thing that was tearing me up about not talking to the police was that I didn't know if he would do it again to another girl. I felt pretty sure that this was just a one-time horrible decision that he made, but I wasn't sure. I wasn't even sure if he understood what he had done. (He definitely didn't realize it was my virginity he was stealing). So. One night I was supposed to go to a bar with my friend C, who was the one who drove me to the hospital, so he knew everything that was going on. C called his other friend to see if he was at the bar already, and he was and he was with my rapist. At this point, C and I were already outside of the bar. We freaked out and went next door to get ice cream instead while we decided what to do. I had already written that letter to my rapist and I was seriously considering sending it, so I said that I wanted to talk to him. Obviously C tried to talk me out of it, because he thought that would be a really bad idea. I said that I needed to, and I texted my rapist and told him to meet me outside. He came out and lit up a cigarette and was kind of like, "So? You wanted to talk?" And as I talked to him I realized that he was trying to convince himself that it had never happened. He was like, "I'm not even sure it really happened." And I said, "How can you not be sure where you put your penis? I'm definitely sure". And he said, "Well if that's true then I'm really sorry, and I understand why you hate me, but I don't know what you want from me now". And I very calmly told him that I was a virgin, and that he had made me bleed for three days, and that what he did was rape and that it had seriously messed me up and freaked me out. He started crying. He said that he was trying to not believe it, and that the thought of that would haunt him every night. He honestly couldn't believe what he had done. He said, "Why didn't you tell me you were a virgin?" I told him that it didn't matter if I was a virgin or not, and that if someone said NO, then it was wrong to do that to them anyways, and that he should always, always, always get consent before assuming that every girl you invite over wants to sleep with you.
I seriously feel so good about that. I now feel confident that he won't ever do it again. And the image of him crying about what he did makes him seem so much more human now. I know that he's not some monster walking around, he's just a really stupid and inconsiderate college boy who made the biggest mistake of his life. I hope he tells guys what he did, and is a lesson to them. I feel like I took this situation back into my own hands, and now I can walk around with my head held high, and he should walk around with his head hung in shame. It's fantastic. I think that was the biggest step I could have taken in my healing. I know that a lot of you probably still think that I should go to the police, but I don't feel like the punishment fits the crime. He would be expelled, and deported if the charges went through. It would completely ruin his life. And you know what? He's an asshole, but he didn't ruin my life. I know I don't owe him anything, but I think that the knowledge that he is a rapist is enough to punish him. Trust me, I saw the expression on his face. I got my justice.