Women's Addiction

[Nessie]

Hi guys! First of all sorry for my bad English, it's not my first language!

Even if I found this useful site almost 3 months ago I've created my account just now to say that your story Kaybee really impressed me! I will continue to read your posts because they tell the story of a beautiful person, the kind of person that God especially loves and one from which I probably have only to learn from.
Moreover your strength and joy are giving me hope and help to definitively overcome my M addiction.

I'm a Christian too and I will for sure remember you in my prayers!!!

Please continue to share your story with us!

Could God bless you! 

Nessie

 

[kaybee]

It's great to have you here Nessie. I hope this site is a blessing to you, and whatever specific struggles you're going through.

As for my computer, it's up and running again. It was hard to find help, as most people I went to had never heard of the problem before. I'm fairly sure my computer is safe now, and I'm keeping the sticky note up in front just in case. 

I slipped up a little the other day. I didn't watch porn, but I did play a game with sexual images that I knew would excite me. I've let myself play it a couple times before, and I've told myself that it's not so bad because it's not a video, and it doesn't depict sex. I realize that it's something I run to when I'm stressed though, and it's clearly not healthy for me. I'm not going to reset my counter but I felt it was important to be honest with myself and with you.

My fiance and I broke up. You may have noticed he was mentioned less in my posts of late, and that's because this has been a long time coming. We both love each other very much, but our situation was impossible. We were long distance for almost three years, and last year I only got to see him in person for 18 days. I decided that I don't want to pretend that it's going to work out anymore, when there is no solution anywhere in sight. I will forever be grateful to him for helping me to love myself again after the cams. He was incredibly nonjudgmental and encouraging and he gave me the love and respect that I was mistakenly trying to find there.

I'm seriously stressed and unhappy right now. I know that it was my choice, but it doesn't make it any easier. Even after all of my progress, I find myself thinking about old videos I watched. I even thought briefly (for like one second) about going back to the cams. Never. But the thought is still there, and it scares me.  I'm going to try and focus on my school work instead. I have this week off, and I know it can either be very productive with my homework, or very destructive with my laptop. I'm going to make it productive!

 

[Yelashade]

Hey Kaybee,

I know I'm relatively new, but firstly I wanted to say congrats for hitting your 90 day target! I'm using you as some form of inspiration to hit my own target, especially considering the circumstances in which you came here.

I'm sorry to hear that you broke up with your fiance, but I'm glad that you've made a sensible and thought-out decision. Perhaps your mind is wondering because, well for one you've hit your 90 days and you feel like you've got nothing else to aim for in this respect, but also the comfort of your relationship has now gone? Maybe you can set yourself a target that involves an activity outside of the house, maybe a sport or a social club? Just an idea

 

[kaybee]

Maybe you can set yourself a target that involves an activity outside of the house, maybe a sport or a social club? Just an idea

That's a good idea, Yelashade. I've always wanted to take a dance class, but I've never had the courage. Maybe I should just take it as an excuse to meet some new people and have fun. I definitely have more time in the evenings now that I'm not Skyping my fiance...  :-\
I'm glad to have you here. I did a quick read over your journal, and I'm planning on posting on it later. What about my story inspires you to hit your target? Do you come from a similar circumstance?

 

[Yelashade]

I did a quick read over your journal, and I'm planning on posting on it later.

Thank you for reading my journal, I'm quite flattered haha. I look forward to hearing your thoughts!

I've always wanted to take a dance class, but I've never had the courage. Maybe I should just take it as an excuse to meet some new people and have fun. I definitely have more time in the evenings

There, you've said it yourself. Dance interests you and you have the time element on your side. I'd say just take the plunge and go for it. You'll find yourself on a good high for the day in general and you have the opportunity to expand your social circle, which contributes to your reboot/rewiring!

I'm not Skyping my fiance...  :-\

I've recently come out of a relationship and I don't need to tell you that it's far from an easy process to deal with. The best way to deal with it is to:

• constantly remind yourself of why you guys broke up
• keep yourself distracted by participating in activities (learning to dance kills 2 birds with 1 stone)
• set yourself some targets/goals to achieve in life (besides dancing and no PMO)
• accept that the difficulties you face post-break-up are part of the grieving process and it will eventually get better

What about my story inspires you to hit your target? Do you come from a similar circumstance?

Fortunately, I'm not from similar circumstances, yet I feel like I can relate to you well! I suppose that, because you've been through so much, what with the cams and the secrecy with porn etc. and you STILL managed to make it to your 90 days, I have no right to complain about how difficult my situation is. Sure, it's not ideal, but I've not had the sexual abuse and the other fears you've had to deal with come my way. I'm getting close to my half way point and I'm ready to fight this thing off once and for all

 

[kaybee]

I'm going crazy today! I've been so tempted to look at P! More than I have in the last 80 days or so! I don't know if it's the stress, or playing that game, or just thinking about P. I don't know that anything in particular has been triggering it, it just keeps popping into my head. I'm so tempted to M to get rid of the urges, but I'm afraid that if I do then the images will start flooding into my mind. Aug! All this free time is definitely not good for me. I tried to spend as much time as possible with my parents today to keep my mind off of it. I need to think of a better coping method quick or I know I'm going to slip up!!!

 

[kaybee]

Well I made it through that particular crazy window of withdrawals. I ended up going out for coffee with a friend until 5 am! By the time I can home I was too tired to even think of anything but sleep. It's a good thing I have some crazy people in my life to keep me occupied.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Hang in there, Kaybee. Thinking of you.

 

[PMOVictory]

Kaybee you are doing great.
I'm still very proud of you and to know that you have come a long way.
Yes you will have urges.
Yes you have things to deal with, e.g. the emotional stress of breaking up with the BF, etc.
All of this will be like triggers to go back to PMO.
Glad for you that there are crazy friends that can occupy you.
I seriously think that you must start this dance, hobby, activity, stress reliever. It can only be good for you!

I'm so happy that you pulled through the serious urges. Obviously, keeping on thinking about it does not help soooo... keep your mind occuplied with the positive things and activities.

Stay strong and receive the Blessing! 8)

 

[kaybee]

Well, I was left alone today. The entire day. I had a one hour break from my solitude to see my counselor who was of no help. I'm being harsh, but I only get to see him for one hour every two to three weeks, and if he talks the whole time I get a little pissed. I mentioned I was afraid of slipping back into my addiction, and he chose to focus instead on my fear of moving out. I tried to bring it back to my addiction a couple times and he didn't offer me any immediate advice for dealing with it.
So what did I do? I went home, cried, poured myself a shot at 4:30 in the afternoon, drank it, looked at the empty glass and asked myself what the hell I thought I was doing. Then I sat on the couch for around 10 hours and tried not to think. I got no work done. I solved absolutely nothing. I feel terrible about myself. I got up and masturbated, completely emotionlessly, then went back and sat on the couch and watched another movie, and opened a box of crackers.
I feel like I have no idea how to cope with my life any more. I constantly search Tinder looking for another guy to make me feel good about myself, and I know it's absolutely ridiculous and disgraceful but I just feel like shit. I seriously considered going back to Chatroulette last night, which was where I started my downward spiral last time. I know it's bad for me, but I also know that if a woman goes on there she is persistently flattered and adored in the hopes that she'll take her clothes off. That in itself is an addictive feeling. I don't know where this need to be pursued by men is coming from. My ex-fiance loved me completely and I let that go, that was my choice. I don't know why I suddenly feel like I'm worthless. I should feel proud of myself for making a hard choice, that's how everyone else is looking at the situation. I just honestly feel so alone and unloved right now, and I know that's not true, but it's how I feel and I can't get myself out of it.

 

[justaguy]

Hang in there, it's hard I'm sure. Do it for yourself and so that when you meet Mr. Right you will be ready for a real relationship. I ruined 2 relationships because of PMO, there's nothing I can do to change that. Don't give in, you can beat this.

 

[Yelashade]

Then I sat on the couch for around 10 hours and tried not to think. I got no work done. I solved absolutely nothing. I feel terrible about myself.

Maybe you should plan what you're going to do for the next day the night before. It's a good way of making sure you get things done and, even if you're upset or down in the dumps, you have some sense of purpose for the day.

I constantly search Tinder looking for another guy to make me feel good about myself, and I know it's absolutely ridiculous and disgraceful but I just feel like shit.

I think you should stop using Tinder as a distraction because 1. you have just gotten out of a long term relationship with someone and 2. it's acting as an alternate form of artificial stimuli. After a period of time (and you'll know when), you can use it if you're serious about getting men.

I don't know where this need to be pursued by men is coming from.

Who doesn't love attention from the opposite sex (if you're straight)? As a girl, it is very easy for you to obtain that and, when you're feeling vulnerable, it's an easy fix to your problems. To avoid this, I would suggest that you keep yourself as distracted as you possibly can. It's so easy to say because that pathetic, numb, sinking feeling you get when you're down in the dumps is difficult to waver mentally and it could take hours to come out of. I think you need to constantly remind yourself about why you're doing this and that your reactions/feelings are just part of the withdrawal process.

I know what I said is stuff that you can figure out for yourself, but I think it's nice to hear it from someone else to validate its importance. Hang in there, Kaybee, you've done really well so far!

 

[PMOVictory]

Hi Kaybee

You are a strong woman, You are just in a tight spot with a lot going on.

Yelashade has offered good advice. Maybe even better than my best attempts so read it again and get re-focused.

Stay strong and be BLESSED!

 

[kaybee]

Joke from my friend C that I thought you guys would like. When he told it, there was no lead up and I thought we were about to have a very serious conversation:

"So I think I've been masturbating too much. I went to the doctor for a physical the other day and she was like,"Wow, C, you really need to stop masturbating!" And I said, "Why?" and she said, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical!" "

I just laughed and shook my head and said, "Omg. I'm totally putting that on Rebootnation." 

That's all for right now. It's been a long, exhausting week and if I make a big post now it will be too negative. I'm doing significantly better than I was the last time I posted, and I appreciate everyone's support and advice. I'm hanging in here.

 

[PMOVictory]

;D ;D ;D

Very relevant for reboot nation.

Well Glad that you are doing so great. Keep us posted!

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!

 

[kaybee]

I'm back!
I have positive news and not-so-positive news.
Positive:
130 days without porn. I know it's not a big significant number, but it's still huge.
I found out I made the Dean's List for my college! Top 5%!!!! (I don't care if that's not what this forum is for, I'm freaking PROUD!)
I stopped using Tinder obsessively.
My practicum for this semester is over, and I only have one more week of classes before Christmas break.

Negative:
My acne is back in full force, possibly from stress, possibly from me not taking care of myself.
I have significantly increased the amount of time per week that I spend M-ing. (I never stopped myself from it before, so long as I wasn't fantasizing about porn, but now it has gotten out of hand)
I messed up big time and sent sexy snapchats to a guy I met on Tinder.

These problems are coming from me not knowing who I am as a sexual being. **Trigger alert if listening to confused sexual ramblings does it for you**
First I was the virgin, then I was abused, then I was healing, then I was the sexcam girl, then I was the chaste girlfriend, then I was the adventurous fiancee, then the rape victim, and now the newly-single-virgin-rape-victim-who-also-happens-to-be-a-recovering-pornography-addict. I am extremely confused. I want to have new experiences with men, but it's very complicated for me.
The biggest issue I am having is fantasizing. Before, I used to imagine me and my fiancee, but now it's obviously too painful. My body still wants to M, but my mind is confused. It goes back to encounters I've had with other men, but the limitations on that number sometimes lead to me remembering my rape while M-ing. That hurts a lot more, and its scary. So on a couple instances I started thinking about porn. Some times I haven't been sure if what I am imagining is pornography or not. What is the difference between imagining oneself in a situation, and imagining a scene you've watched? Are they not both detrimental? I don't know what I'm drawing on for my fantasies anymore, so it's become a concern.
As for the guy from Tinder, I have been talking to him for a while. I don't actually feel much of a connection to him, but I initiated a sexy snap conversation that went way too far. I told myself I would never "sext", because it's a stupid, dangerous thing to do. Then I got bored and horny and next thing you know... I feel bad about it. I'm not destroyed but I'm shaking my head at myself and wondering why I would do that in the first place. I'm also embarrassed with myself because it lasted for hours, even after I stopped being into it. I just kept going because I felt that I had to. I absolutely despise that sense of compulsion. It's not how I want to feel, ever.
So long story short, I've messed up but I've learnt from it. I've just got to keep going.

 

[Yelashade]

Congrats on the 130 days and making it onto the Dean's List! Don't worry about the latter not being part of this forum, it's these things (both positive and negative) that are a result from your reboot, so you should be proud

Heh, what you said about M is pretty much exactly what I'm feeling now. I want to M and my mind wanders back to to previous encounters or it twists occasions where I could have had sex but didn't. Nothing P related though. I'm sorry to hear you still think about your rape situation when you M, I can't imagine how awful that is :\. As for imagining scenes from P, well that's detrimental to your reboot and I think you know that lol. If that's what's happening, then straight up stop your M and carry on your reboot as you were before. If your mind is bordering P, you'll slowly sink back and that's not what you want.

I really think you need to have a long think about yourself and what you want to do etc. I'd say again what I said before about keeping yourself distracted haha, best solution! No time to act on your urges

I just had a read of this, I hope it helps reinforce what I said

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/what-about-fantasizing-during-reboot

Good luck!

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Kaybee,

You've made some really great strides in tackling the addiction, but like you said in your last post - it is a struggle finding the "real Kaybee".

First I was the virgin, then I was abused, then I was healing, then I was the sexcam girl, then I was the chaste girlfriend, then I was the adventurous fiancee, then the rape victim, and now the newly-single-virgin-rape-victim-who-also-happens-to-be-a-recovering-pornography-addict. I am extremely confused. I want to have new experiences with men, but it's very complicated for me.

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/getting-to-know-yourself-what-you-like-and-what-you-want-in-life/

 

[kaybee]

Yelashade... I am so unbelievably busy, but I still make time for moping around and going online. Trust me, I have much better things to be doing. The trouble is that when I get in these moods I just stop caring. I think that no matter what activity I'm doing, I'm still going to try and blow it off to procrastinate. I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm saying I'm not willing to fix it right now.  :-\
Thanks for that article SORP, it really is a struggle. I have so many decisions I have to make right now, and I don't know how to make them without even knowing who I am.  I was offered a promotion at work, and a full-time position. My bosses were prepared to train me for advancement in the future, and I really can see a future for myself there. The catch is I would have to quit school. I considered it because I'm not doing very well in school at the moment. I'm not motivated, and I can't focus on any assignments or readings.
But the kicker was when I thought, "Well, if I give up on school, it's saying my rapist wins. It's saying I'm letting him decide how I feel and how those emotions effect my life. If I stay in school, I win because I'm not letting my rape dictate my future". Then I just got really, really angry because I shouldn't be making my decisions based on being a rape victim. Also because I shouldn't BE a rape victim. It was hard to rule that out of the equation and just ask myself what I really want to do, and how God can use me.
So I've decided to stay in my college to become a teacher, which is what I've been doing for the past few months. I have this idea of me teaching Health class to grade 9's, and talking about important issues like sexual assault and pornography addiction. (Although I don't know if I would even be ALLOWED to be a teacher if people knew about my past...)
Anyways, update on the addiction: I M'd today while online.  I started looking at sexy pictures, but stopped myself. I knew exactly what I was doing and did it anyways because I was wallowing in self-pity. Then just as I typed that I tried to convince myself to go back to the pictures, but I will not. I'm angry, but I'm not going to let me screw myself over just because I'm having a rough day.

 

[PMOVictory]

HI Kaybee

Thanx for bringing us on speed about what is going on in your life.

First of all congratz on all the accomplishments and positive things going on in your life.
You sure can be proud of yourself!

The negatives are not nice to deal with, however they are reality and needs to be addressed...!
Even if it will be painful!
I can imagine how difficult it it must be to deal with all this issues and basically be all by yourself.
I know that RN is there with all its "friends" and faithful followers, giving support, a listening ear and some good advice.
But not having real flesh and blood that you can talk to and just have that companionship can be a bit of a draw back.
If I read between the lines I think this is what you need. This could possibly also be the reason why you started chatting and sexting.
The old age psychological thing that any attention is better than none, even if it is negative attention...

I want you to sit down and take stock of what you have gained during the last 130 + days. You have come a long way and have been through some real tough times. You are a strong woman and have accomplished a lot.
You already know what you don't want, and you know that it is affecting you in a bad way. Remind yourself of how bad it is and that the down side is far greater than the gain of what you want to accomplish.
Relate the bad to Pain.
And the good to Pleasure.
When the Pain is more than the Pleasure, it will be easier to make the transition to stay away from the pain.
If you still find it difficult to do that, imagine yourself a year, tow, five, ten, years from now, not making that change.
Will there be more Pain than Pleasure....?
This should motivate you and keep you motivated to make the right choices and stick to them.

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!