I'm back!
I have positive news and not-so-positive news.
Positive:
130 days without porn. I know it's not a big significant number, but it's still huge.
I found out I made the Dean's List for my college! Top 5%!!!! (I don't care if that's not what this forum is for, I'm freaking PROUD!)
I stopped using Tinder obsessively.
My practicum for this semester is over, and I only have one more week of classes before Christmas break.
Negative:
My acne is back in full force, possibly from stress, possibly from me not taking care of myself.
I have significantly increased the amount of time per week that I spend M-ing. (I never stopped myself from it before, so long as I wasn't fantasizing about porn, but now it has gotten out of hand)
I messed up big time and sent sexy snapchats to a guy I met on Tinder.
These problems are coming from me not knowing who I am as a sexual being. **Trigger alert if listening to confused sexual ramblings does it for you**
First I was the virgin, then I was abused, then I was healing, then I was the sexcam girl, then I was the chaste girlfriend, then I was the adventurous fiancee, then the rape victim, and now the newly-single-virgin-rape-victim-who-also-happens-to-be-a-recovering-pornography-addict. I am extremely confused. I want to have new experiences with men, but it's very complicated for me.
The biggest issue I am having is fantasizing. Before, I used to imagine me and my fiancee, but now it's obviously too painful. My body still wants to M, but my mind is confused. It goes back to encounters I've had with other men, but the limitations on that number sometimes lead to me remembering my rape while M-ing. That hurts a lot more, and its scary. So on a couple instances I started thinking about porn. Some times I haven't been sure if what I am imagining is pornography or not. What is the difference between imagining oneself in a situation, and imagining a scene you've watched? Are they not both detrimental? I don't know what I'm drawing on for my fantasies anymore, so it's become a concern.
As for the guy from Tinder, I have been talking to him for a while. I don't actually feel much of a connection to him, but I initiated a sexy snap conversation that went way too far. I told myself I would never "sext", because it's a stupid, dangerous thing to do. Then I got bored and horny and next thing you know... I feel bad about it. I'm not destroyed but I'm shaking my head at myself and wondering why I would do that in the first place. I'm also embarrassed with myself because it lasted for hours, even after I stopped being into it. I just kept going because I felt that I had to. I absolutely despise that sense of compulsion. It's not how I want to feel, ever.
So long story short, I've messed up but I've learnt from it. I've just got to keep going.