Women's Addiction

[SO Reboot Partner]

I recently went back to the bible camp I work at every summer. I worked in the kitchens for a week instead of counselling because I didn't feel I was in a good enough place with God, or really myself to be much support to the girls. I didn't know what to expect and didn't know why I was going but I felt like I was supposed to go. I actually got a lot out of it. It was our teen camp, so the speaker was focusing on the tough issues that she felt teens needed to hear about. She talked about being sexually abused by a guy her age when she was in high school, among other things. She also urged the teens to think about bad influences in their lives, like pornography. You can tell porn's becoming a serious problem when it becomes a topic of conversation among pastors and teens at a bible camp. I talked to the speaker about my past, and she prayed for me, and I was able to let go of the anger I'd been holding onto for 8 years and forgive the boy who hurt me in high school. He was just a young boy trying to figure things out, and he went about it the wrong way. I have no reason to believe that he grew up to be a sexual deviant. I also told her about the sex cams, which is something I've never confessed in person before - (I just let my friends read about it, and my fiance knew before hand.)
The biggest thing that happened though was when one of the male counselors stood up at campfire one night and talked about his own struggle with alcohol and pornography addiction. I thought it was so brave and so honest for him to confess not only to the teens, but also to the other adults working there. (Many of us are long time friends, but I had never heard that side of him before) I was so thankful that I got to be there to hear him say that to those kids, and to not be ashamed of it. It made me feel more confident in talking about my struggle with porn addiction. The whole experience was honestly exactly what I needed at the exact right moment.

For many, this is a time of extreme vulnerability. You were very brave to talk to others. I really enjoyed reading your story.

A couple of things I want to point out about your story that are huge positive markers -

    You see this as a journey, not a destination. It is so important to view ourselves as incomplete and on a journey. We have something to look forward to and to seek. If everyone just grew to a point and stop, this whole living thing would be boring!

      You owned your addiction, it didn't own you. I have to think that telling others, face to face is scary for that addiction - not you.

      You recognize the struggle in others. It is humbling to be accepted with all our faults or to see how hard others struggle.

Great report!

 

[kaybee]

I really appreciate you guys who consistently respond to my posts. I know I'm not the best at doing the same for others, but I really feel supported when  I come home to read a new message cheering me on. You guys rock! 

 

[PMOVictory]

Hi Kaybee

I'm so glad you went to the camp. Like you said "The whole experience was honestly exactly what I needed at the exact right moment." and that is exactly how God work in our life's.
From personal experience I can tell you that I never ever thought that I would have the guts to admit that I'm addicted to porn. Not even to mention that I would stand up in front of others and talk about it. But the opportunity arises shortly after I started my reboot. Personally I think that it was a test from God to see what I were willing to do. I can say that I never had a more liberating experience in my life.
Since then I had the opportunity to talk to another guy about it. Without me knowing his dad organises mens camps and he said that he will talk to his dad as he feels that the fact that I talked to him about it shows that I will be capable to share it with other men, as they want to address this during their annual mans camp in April next year. Can you believe this?! Like I said, my first talking about it were like a test from God. Now He can use me.
This is the message I what to bring home to you. I believe you will be able to help others as well when the time is right. Wait and look for the opportunity and you will be surprised what can come out of this.

Stay strong and be Blessed!

 

[kaybee]

It has been a long time since my last post, but I am still on track! I'm getting closer to 90 days again, and I'm really holding myself to making it this time. That said, it is just as hard as the last times. I'm in a better place logically, and I have better ways of coping with it, but emotionally I still feel drawn to pornography.  The apathy has once again set in and started nibbling at the corners of my mind.
Something really uplifting happened a couple weeks ago. A girl that I used to counsel at camp sent me a message on Facebook, thanking me for talking to her many years ago. I had forgotten that I told her about my struggle with porn! This was years before I even fully admitted it to myself, and before I had any successful ways of coping. I remember that she hadn't shown up for chapel and I went to look for her, and she was sitting on her bunk crying. She told me that she was dealing with cocaine addiction and that she really wanted to leave camp so that she could go home and get high. She also confessed that she cut herself to help her deal with emotional pain. I was only 18 or so at the time, and I didn't know what to say or do so I just started talking about the problems in my life and how I depended on God to help me out with them. She ended up going home later that night or the next morning, and I thought I failed. Then I got this message a few weeks ago, like 5 years later, telling me that she just remembered what I talked to her about, and it made her decide to try rehab again. She said that knowing that you don't have to be perfect to talk to God, and that Christians deal with addiction too made her feel like she could do it. She thanked me over and over again, and I just cried and cried. Honestly, I always wondered if that part of my life was inappropriate to share with her, and if I could trust her to keep my secret. Turns out that moment was not about me.
PEOPLE! TELL YOUR STORIES! Your pain will help someone else heal!

 

[rider654321]

That is awesome Kaybee. Truly uplifting.

 

[PMOVictory]

Amen Sister

I'm so relieved to hear from you! you got me stressed out but glad to hear you are on track.

Very significant story that you shared. Inspiring and worth remembering.

Stay strong and receive the blessing!

 

[kaybee]

Last night I was sexually assaulted. In the hospital while I was waiting for my inspection, I decided that this time I will tell people instead of keeping the pain inside of myself.  I said no. He didn't listen. It is not my fault. This will not ruin the life I am making for myself.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Last night I was sexually assaulted. In the hospital while I was waiting for my inspection, I decided that this time I will tell people instead of keeping the pain inside of myself.  I said no. He didn't listen. It is not my fault. This will not ruin the life I am making for myself.

Kaybee It isn't your fault. Hugs to you. I hate this happened, but you are not to blame.

 

[Gracie]

Most definitely not your fault.  Is there a rape crisis center where you live?  There may be someone through the hospital as well.  Talk to them as you get your brain wrapped around this.  Remember, you did not ask for this, he chose to break the law.  PM me if you want to talk.  I work at a center.

 

[PMOVictory]

HI KAYBEE

This is sad, SAD news...! :'( The moment I read it I offered a prayer for you!

We all know it is not your fault and that you were taken advantage of, and that you were humiliated.
Wish I had more words of encouragement.
You decided to tell people instead of keeping the pain inside of you. This is absolutely the right thing to do.
Stay strong, I will continue to pray for you!

Blessings!

 

[kaybee]

Most definitely not your fault.  Is there a rape crisis center where you live?  There may be someone through the hospital as well.  Talk to them as you get your brain wrapped around this.  Remember, you did not ask for this, he chose to break the law.  PM me if you want to talk.  I work at a center.

Thanks Gracie. Yes, we have a great centre here and there is a program set up for free counselling. I will be organizing that soon. Right now my biggest concern is managing school. This happened just outside of my university campus, and I have been too freaked out to go back yet. I know that it won't happen again, especially during class times, but there is the chance I will run into the man who did it. That's scary.  :-\

Thank you for the support, you guys. I know that this isn't really what the site is for, but I needed to talk about it and you guys know the whole complicated and confusing story of my already messed up sexuality. I totally did not need this. I keep dwelling on the fact that 2 out of the 3 men I have had any kind of sexual contact with have abused me. How is that fair? It's not, and it makes me angry. Thanks for the prayers. It's been hard for me to say any.

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

I keep dwelling on the fact that 2 out of the 3 men I have had any kind of sexual contact with have abused me. How is that fair? It's not, and it makes me angry.

It's not fair, but it probably isn't surprising, either. Men who sexually abuse others are no doubt sexual addicts of one kind or another, and their abuse is no doubt a form of acting on their addiction(s). I think it's probably true that most men are sexual addicts, such that if you are having sexual contact with a man, you are more than likely having sexual contact with an addict whose addiction might lead to abuse.

I am fortunate that my addictions never led me to abuse anyone other than myself, but if I were to guess, I would probably conjecture that sex addicts who abuse others don't actually enjoy the abusing as much as they think they will. The reality is probably never as good as the fantasy, but the appeal of the fantasy drives them to keep abusing time after time in search of fulfilling something that can never be fulfilled.

 

[rider654321]

Sorry to hear what happen, Kaybee and I hope your ok.
Make sure you do tell and file an official complaint so that this person does not have a chance to do this again.

 

[kaybee]

It's hard. It was someone I thought to be a friend. I don't know if he  will do it again, Ii think he thought I wanted it.

 

[rider654321]

It's hard. It was someone I thought to be a friend. I don't know if he  will do it again, Ii think he thought I wanted it.

I said no. He didn't listen. It is not my fault. 

Dear Kaybee,

You said no to him, and he kept going? Don't begin to doubt yourself now my dear. The fact he may have thought you wanted it is irrelevant. You said no.

I know its a tough path to walk reporting a sexual assault, but if you allow him to get away with it this time, he'll do it to you or some other girl again. I know this kind of puts you under pressure to act and report it, but at the end of the day, it's entirely your call to make.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Rider 

 

[PMOVictory]

Kaybee

I can not agree more with what Rider are saying.

Doing the right thing are not always easy.
Just look at all our rebooters. We went astray, but are now on the right path.
But boy o boy, it is tough!!!

You know the saying, allow me to remind you of it...
Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind.
Acting now might save someone else a lot of heartache in the future as well.
Apart from what you are going through. I mean it is first and foremost going about how you were violated.
Even if it will never happen to someone else. It happened with you and you MUST act.

My prayers are with you!
Blessings!

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Sorry to hear what happen, Kaybee and I hope your ok.
Make sure you do tell and file an official complaint so that this person does not have a chance to do this again.

Kaybee. Rape has nothing to do with sex. It is violence, a violation of your rights as a human being. It is also a crime. Do not confuse the two.

 

[kaybee]

I understand what you guys are saying, and it's the same thing I would tell someone else in my situation, but I just want to put it all behind me and forget about it. I have my first counselling appointment tomorrow... I don't really know what to expect. I haven't cried about it since the day after it happened and I feel weird about that because I usually cry about everything. I'm afraid I have a shield up that's going to fall down when I'm not expecting it. My very good friend (the one I told about my addiction) has been helping me out a lot. The assailant was a friend of both of us, and after it happened I went to his house for help so he saw me at my worst.  I've told my brothers and my parents about it, but I can't talk about it with them. I'm terrified of the expression on their faces. I still feel completely baffled by the whole situation. I wrote the assailant a letter, but I probably won't send it. Right now it just helps that I have a friend to talk things over with. I can't imagine doing this alone, or trying to hide it. I wish I had been so open with my pain when I was in high school. Who knows, maybe it could have stopped my porn addiction? It helps to think that this healing process is helping to stop something like that.

 

[Gracie]

K, just want you to know that your reactions are absolutely normal.  It may feel like you are going crazy, but I assure you that is not the case.  Perhaps with time you may be able to tell your family.  Just remember it is your story to tell when you choose to tell it.  Your counselor may have a handout of some sort for your family on how they can most help you.  The center may also have counseling available for them so they can better understand your experience.  It is good that you have someone to talk to.  Take only one day at a time in your recovery. 

 

[rider654321]

Kaybee,

I feel for you Kaybee. Just remember as was proved in the recent Rolf Harris sexual assault cases. You can make a complaint years later if need be. I would suggest documenting your version of the assault so you can recall later with precision if need be.