I don't know why I ever try hiding things from my fiancee, or bother being angry at him. I was busy feeling guilty with myself for having been extremely attracted to a male friend of mine, and instead of just being honest and straight up with my fiancee, I decided to be angry with him to deflect from me (which you saw last night). However, I had an epiphany while I was driving my car today (which is pretty dangerous) and I realized that I've just being sexualizing my friend in the same way that I've been over sexualizing myself. I had to take a deep breath and realize that this is a symptom of my addiction, and I just have to be faithful that this too shall pass. I spent all last night and all day today being conflicted and shamed about fantasies with this guy, when I should have just been honest with my partner. I have so much respect for you women who are sticking by your men with this problem, because we are honestly a WRECK! I was thinking about leaving my partner because I felt so guilty about thinking things like that about other men, and he doesn't deserve that. But once I spoke to him about it he reassured me that he doesn't deserve it, but he's going to stick by me anyways because he knows that it isn't who I really am.
Long story short, I've realized a pattern in my past behavior and now recognize it as withdrawal symptoms. I've felt on the brink of tears all day, as well as anxious, guilty and suspicious. I had similar emotions last summer when I went on vacation (away from a computer and porn) and I had no idea where they were coming from. What a relief to know I'm not going crazy, I'm just on the road to recovery!
O precious is the flow that washed me white as snow. No other fount I know, nothing but the blood of Jesus.