Man_in_30s_trying_to_quit_from_last_10years

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
I have no problems burning my bridges to P and building walls around me !

I am a f•ckin veteran when it comes to that !

My deep troubles rise fiercely from inside of me come to haunt me when I am so quick to rebuild those bridges to P when triggered after 7-8 days of pure abstinence.

Thats my life’s worst nightmares right now I don’t know how to deal with em !
Sorry Gemini, I get that. I hope you find out what makes those urges appear and weed it out.
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
Got to a 5 day clean streak and relapsed on day 6 to filthy chats .

entry point to relapse was the day on which I had lot of stress and was feeling VERY bored and low

These type of negative feelings that drive you to P need to be managed and dealt with without getting yourself to relapse .

This is a known pattern in my life now . I gotta do better this time .
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
I was thinking what have I been doing with myself all these years by engaging in endless pleasure seeking in P/chatrooms/Anything that seeks highs endlessly.

I have been abusing myself , by seeking explicit content and trying to fulfill the endless desire for highs that would leave me low and lower .

It’s time we be kinder to ourselves.
Treat ourselves gently with kindness and compassion and forgiveness .

We can do this by reminding ourselves repeatedly that “endless pleasure seeking” is “endlessly abusing ourselves” .

Then once that awareness is rooted in our day to day we may be able to live a more meaningful life that will accomplish something beneficial and healthy for ourselves and others .

That to me is the “real Reboot” !
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I know, bro. I understand exactly what you're talking about because I've been living for pleasure all my life. It's a belief that those fuckin things could somehow fix the problems of my inner life. And they don't. The truth about my life is not in additive substances and behaviors.
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
Couple days back . I chatted almost whole night looking for an MO and went to work like a zombie the next morning .

I hated myself all day long for doing that .

This is what I should never do again in my life !
I promised to myself .
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
When I know “this is not good for me” and I “still go for it” , that is “self abuse

When I know “this is not good for me” and I “keep myself safe and away” then I am being “Kind to Myself” and eventually to others
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Couple days back . I chatted almost whole night looking for an MO and went to work like a zombie the next morning .

I hated myself all day long for doing that .

This is what I should never do again in my life !
I promised to myself .
I know this behavior very well. I've been doing something like that since August, sabotaging myself with binges (both alcohol and porn) before things I had to do.
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
I just got off a weird session on my cell phone where I jumped from shady apps in AppStore to typing of some chatroom sites I usually go to and then nothing seemed to appeal to me so much so I came here !

I just want to address this kind of a digital nomad behavior where one jumps from one thing to another and gets hooked on to P eventually and relapses . None of which I want actually .

why do I mindlessly scroll/type/browse ?
What’s the inner need for that .
Boredom? Low feels ? Distracted ? Disengaged at work or life ? Or May be one of these each time !

this needs to stop I need to stop such nomadic behavior where I mindlessly engage with P like things on my cell phone which eventually gets me to relapse !

How do I do this ?
I think all I need to do is purposefully engage myself in different things that are positive for me so I don’t get randomly caught up in thoughts actions which eventually gets me at the door of P.

it may also be the feeling of discontent with my marriage or life as a whole that leads me to feel low and gets me to chat or watch P and relapse .

this has been going on and on in endless loop for last 20 years.

How do I get off of this loop ?
I think the answer is purposeful engagement in things that are good for me and deliberate disengagement with anything that leads me to P or P like things
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
After my last introspective post I went back and chatted filthy for about an hour all while debating inside my mind whether what I was doing was ok

After some mental reasoning I closed the browser and came here !

is this madness or Am I just being insane ?
Resetting to day 0 for sure

sure I had momentary mental highs while chatting but is that worth it ?

probably not at all
 

SimonM

Active Member
I just got off a weird session on my cell phone where I jumped from shady apps in AppStore to typing of some chatroom sites I usually go to and then nothing seemed to appeal to me so much so I came here !
Yeah, I often experience this type of thing too. I think I have a bit of an internet addiction too. I am always checking sites... when I used to look at P, that's where I went. Now it's other places... but I find I am often doing that when I'm bored, or procrastinating, or should go to bed etc... We are wasting our life away a bit no? This is so mind numbing.

I totally agree - find engaging things in real life. For example when I have a good book to read I do a lot of mindless browsing. I do it a lot during the work day though when I'm procrastinating. It would help to learn how to focus better...
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
Once I was on chat sites earlier today and stopped myself the monster was fed and then deprived . Yes ! I am talking about those unstoppable mental urges , so I didn’t know how to handle raging urges after that chat session for 1 hr then I was struggling to focus on my work .
So I picked up phone and went to cam sites this time . Chatted with a cam model and blew up money … disaster !

day 0 and poorer than I was before .
this addiction can take a toll on your life .your work , your confidence and your finances

I am a living example guys .

Humm big sighs . I don’t know how am I ever going to recover or get sober ever !!!!

I see myself endlessly trying in vain and dying one day !
Honestly that’s how I foresee the remainder of my life !
anyway I can change that destiny ? Probably no , highly unlikely that I will ever get sober .
I am probably doomed for life !

day 1 tomorrow
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
I went back to cam sites to blow up more money This is insanity from me ! Total madness and lack of any sense of control over my emotions or urges .

God save me from this !

I will start over
Day 1
Tomorrow
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
I should probably stop thinking I can achieve 90 days achieve total sobriety etc etc

I don’t see it happening for me .

I feel it is easier to focus on what I don’t want to be like being “sad, regretful and numb and scared of people around me

but the problem is I forget and trade in my sober behaviors to get mental highs of P and I get back “shit load of shame regret and self disgust and pain” in return of this bad exchange I subconsciously commit each time .

How can I be so dumb ? To trade in my source of happiness, my sobriety to get back a bundle of momentary pleasure highs and crappy self esteem and a low life .

The choices I have been making are so not sound any reasonable man would do !

I guess I need to journal these thoughts on a piece of paper everyday so my mind doesn’t forget the bad deals It does to get me into this moment of “shame , low esteem, disgust , pain and shadows in my head “ self .

I will journal these from now each day as I try to make some progress on my streaks .
What I don’t see at all in all of this is the
Greatest weapon in my arsenal which is getting rotten and forgotten and that is the simple choice I can make in the moment to ignore the pang my mind throws on me to MO and doing something else .

I need to journal that as well . I will do it .

Day 1
 

SimonM

Active Member
Yes journal. And come here and read your journal entries BEFORE you hit porn. Every time.

But also this: This IS an addiction. Addiction is a mental health issue. We cannot feel so ashamed of failing. Be so down on ourselves. Think so horribly of ourselves. We have an illness. It doesn't excuse the behaviour. But we can admit without shame that it's too hard to do it without some form of help. People don't heal from other illnesses just by having will power. Mental health, unfortunately, is still very stigmatized, and porn addiction I would say is worse than even regular addictions in some regards (who wants to hear that you're a porn addict?! And will they even believe you?). We aren't even taken seriously when we say we are addicted to that. But we KNOW we are.

What you can control is getting the help you need. True addiction requires help to overcome in most cases - more than willpower. What you take ownership of is that part - getting help. You can beat yourself up for not getting help. But don't beat yourself up just for not being able to overcome your mental health struggle just because you WANT to. It takes more than that. What does it take for you? It's different for all of us. It could be counselling, it could be blockers, it could just be the RN community, or it could be that you need SAA meetings. It could be an accountability partner, it could be controlling other things that lead you to porn (anxiety, stress etc) etc.

Strength, brother!
 
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