Very likely to have a weird combination of venous leakage with pied. (25)

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Again bad bad cravings and fantasies. It will get incredibly difficult today, i can already tell. Girls i see outside are triggering me badly and cause my mind to review all the shit in my head.
My first goal is, that i want to make it again to 3 months or so, so i can start rewiring. Right now its definitely too early.
I am incredibly angry at myself, even though i know its counter-productive. If i had not slipped, i would now not have to deal with this shit and also there would be a real chance to rewire in the near future. I was already loosing hope without relapsing and now the situation got even worse. Its as if i would always make one step forward and then one or two steps back.
I can not allow myself to think about it too much, it really takes away any good feeling i had left.
The chase effect and the urges definitely come in waves. Got easier again. This time it lasted around one or one and a half hour. Now its easier again.
Is there still hope? Yes, it gets smaller, but there is still hope. And as long as thats the case, i can not give up. Somehow i might be able to get erections in the future. Even if its only with pills because of peyronies disease or whatever, who cares? But i can not continue watching P and take the risk of having PIED. It might be already the case that i have an organic problem. When i also habe PIED i am totally screwed.

Later: Urges and fantasies got milder over the course of the day. Feel relatively "normal" right now.

Still much much better.

Okay i rhink the worst is over for today, but i am still in shock. I didnt experience such strong cravings for 2 years maybe. I gotta keep my guard up for tomorrow. I dont know what will happen.
 
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Jeks

Well-Known Member
I slept a lot, maybe a bit too much. Went to bed very early. But cravings got a lot less. When i remember images, they dont hunt me down as agressively as yesterday. Yesterday i had difficulties to get working on my stuff, but i am determined to get things done today.

I may not forget, that a half year ago my urination problem was so bad, that everything thats happening right now is a luxury to have.

I dont get anything done. I dont even distract myself with anything else. I just can not move. The resistance within myself is just so bad.
 
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Jeks

Well-Known Member
Again and again i make the same mistake. I have got to meet a deadline today and i am not sure, if i am gonna be able to make it. I am so exhausted. Every. Single. Time. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do i procrastinate so hard? I now worked the whole night. I am totally exhausted. Whats even worse is, that i have a presetation to this topic tomorrow, so i cant totally half ass it, without embarassing myself.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Again and again i make the same mistake. I have got to meet a deadline today and i am not sure, if i am gonna be able to make it. I am so exhausted. Every. Single. Time. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do i procrastinate so hard? I now worked the whole night. I am totally exhausted. Whats even worse is, that i have a presetation to this topic tomorrow, so i cant totally half ass it, without embarassing myself.
I feel you, man. I have problems with procrastination too but I've noticed that longer streaks give me more motivation to start doing things.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
hey escape, thanks for your support.
I managed to meet the deadline. The result wasnt at all, what i would have been really capable of. But i am porud of me, that i pushed through. I also got the presentation behind me. My teacher was of course not too impressed, but after a while i just told her, that i hadnt had a lot of time for this task and she was understanding. I might have found a nice strategy to tackle my procrastination problems, but is still has got too hold up, when i dont have a lot of time pressure, cause thats my goal. Getting things done before tey are getting close to impossible.
 

fapstranaut02

Active Member
Again and again i make the same mistake. I have got to meet a deadline today and i am not sure, if i am gonna be able to make it. I am so exhausted. Every. Single. Time. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do i procrastinate so hard? I now worked the whole night. I am totally exhausted. Whats even worse is, that i have a presetation to this topic tomorrow, so i cant totally half ass it, without embarassing myself.
Hey man, I also have issues with procrastination. Most of the time I procrastinate is because I am confident in my abilities to finish it on time, I always leave things to last minute then only realize maybe I have overestimated myself. Instead of working, my mind will wander off and I start to binge on PMO for hours, only after PMO will I be able to calm down and back to work, but by then I will already have wasted too much time. I hate this part of myself and I'm still trying to improve on this. I'm doing slightly better now since doing hardcore rebooting, hope you'll improve too.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
hey fapstranaut, thankis for your support.
It might be, that P does increase my tendencies to procrastinate, but i also had this problen, when i was going on long streaks, so i can not all just blame it on P.
Had a wet dream again and i notice, that i am again really sensitive to trigger. Gottaa be very careful this time.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Fuuuuuck never again, you fucking demon out of hell. I hate you, i hate you so much. I will now go hardmode for half a year and then get together with a girl.
No erection even with P.
How could that happen? I was on such a long streak. Its a fucking nightmare. How? How the fuck?
I have got to make a decision now, do i want to have a chance to get happy one day again or not? Because one thing is clear as can be, i cant take it much longer. If i dont get on track again, the rest of hope i had left will definitely be used up soon...
Fuck man, never never never again. You know you can do it. You already had a streak of one and half year. You can and you have to. Fuck fuck fuxck
Make it to half a year, then start rewiring, if necessary with pills, doesnt even matter. Man, you have to. You have got to get your shit together....
 
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k-fff

Active Member
Fuuuuuck never again, you fucking demon out of hell. I hate you, i hate you so much. I will now go hardmode for half a year and then get together with a girl.
No erection even with P.
How could that happen? I was on such a long streak. Its a fucking nightmare. How? How the fuck?
I have got to make a decision now, do i want to have a chance to get happy one day again or not? Because one thing is clear as can be, i cant take it much longer. If i dont get on track again, the rest of hope i had left will definitely be used up soon...
Fuck man, never never never again. You know you can do it. You already had a streak of one and half year. You can and you have to. Fuck fuck fuxck
Make it to half a year, then start rewiring, if necessary with pills, doesnt even matter. Man, you have to. You have got to get your shit together....
C’mon, Jeks, get back on track. You’ve shown for a very long time that this addiction doesn’t have control over you. In regards to your ED, I think the best thing to fix that is rewiring with a girl. If I remember correctly, there were guys with severe PIED that stopped being able to get it up even with p and they didn’t get a big change in it until actual rewiring. But there are other people more knowledgeable than me on here and I hope they can confirm. I believe in your ability to get through this. It’s okay to be depressed and lose hope, but it is not okay to use those emotions to relapse. Put this relapse behind you and move forward even though you’re not hopeful. I hope you feel better soon and I am confident your dick will work again.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Thanks for your support k-fff. Dont worry will get back on track, i will not let this P shit destroy my life. Even though i relapsed one more time in the morning, but thats something i know from myself in the past. When i relapsed, i would often relapse one more time, so that i can say, that i now had my fun and i did everything i craved for and now its enough. Not to say, that its a good thing, its a fucking rationalization for sure. Its just a pattern i know from myself, so i am not suprised. Anyway, thats said, i now had my fun. I dont start at zero again. I know what to do. This P shit wont get me again.
Just for the record: no erection.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
i am very depressed right now, i turn 28 in a few days. The twenties are supposed to be someones pinacle in life. Mine are soon over and that thought is making me feel very depressed. I can not waste any more time. I have already lost a good chunk of my supposedly best years. Its now or never.
For how bad my twenties were, i will make sure, that my thirties will make up for it.
Conclusions i draw from my relapses: Be careful, wet dreams are causing a very strong chaser effect right now.
Secondly i have got to avoid trigger at all cost. Especially when i had a wet dream, but i gotta be more careful in gereral.
Youtube is extremely dangerous and full of trigger

As it looks like right now, the relapses had no increasing effects on peyronies disease. I was very scared about that. That would be just awful.
 
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Jeks

Well-Known Member
I got over the first day. At night some medium cravings and fantasies. In tje morning 70-80 percent erection, which i definitely did not expect. I am happy that i can still get erections in some way. The erection in the morning makes me more cofidenr again, that my erection problems are for the most part caused by PIED, although i dont understand why it turns out, when i relapsed. One explanation could be,that even though o relapsed, i got my body interested in sex again again with a kickstart. Who knows, maybe if i would have tried rewiring with a girl, i would have the same eyperience with my moening erection. Also the erection in the morning makes me hopeful, that i dont have to wait for an eternity for trying to rewire.
Most importantly i have got to avoid trigger at all cost, i have got to always keep that in mind.
 
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Jeks

Well-Known Member
Fantasies and urges right now. Try to focus on other stuff and remind myself, that this is my only chance to get truly happy one day. Gotta avoid trigger at all cost. Carelessness was the reason for my relapses before.
 

k-fff

Active Member
Fantasies and urges right now. Try to focus on other stuff and remind myself, that this is my only chance to get truly happy one day. Gotta avoid trigger at all cost. Carelessness was the reason for my relapses before.
the thing that has been helping me lately is just knowing the urges will pass. It's crazy how uncomfortable it can be.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Thanks for the tip k-fff, its something i also keep telling myself. I am having crazy urges and fantasies right now. I feel so tempted. But i cant. Its my birthday in a few days, i cant start my 28th birthday by keep destroying, what i have build up over the last years. I will have a happy realtionship in around a half year, but only if i continue to stay on the path.

Later: Wave of urges decreased again.
Getting away from fantasies and stopping engaging in them seems as important as avoiding trigger right now.
 
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k-fff

Active Member
Thanks for the tip k-fff, its something i also keep telling myself. I am having crazy urges and fantasies right now. I feel so tempted. But i cant. Its my birthday in a few days, i cant start my 28th birthday by keep destroying, what i have build up over the last years. I will have a happy realtionship in around a half year, but only if i continue to stay on the path.

Later: Wave of urges decreased again.
Yea, I keep thinking about getting older and older and having this addiction still as a problem. It's a nightmare for me. I don't want to be thirty and still be using. god, this stuff is so nasty.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Still lots of fantasies and urges. I am so tempted in searching certain categories.
Had again 70-80% morning wood. I wished, i would have just tried to rewire instead of relpasing, but it gives me now more certainty that PIED seems to be the major problem. Also something i noticed today: When i see beautiful girls outside, its like my brain is saying: yeah, but its not P... It started to be like this after the relapses.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Third night in a row unusual good morning erection, around 60-70 %. This night i became very aware of strong P dreams and fantasies shortly before i wolke up. On one side its very sad that i relapsed. I could have probably rewired and i would have maybe seen some improvements. On the other hand the good thing i try to draw out of this is, that i became more certain and clear, that PIED is one or the major problen with my ED. With my whole history of diagnosis and therapies against Venous Leak and Peyronies disease it was nothing obvious, especially because i cant even get erections to P and because my improvements after two years of P were very little. But those events after the relapse show me, that PIED plays a big part in all of this. Also it gives me confidence in my plan to start rewiring in around half a year, no matter the quality of my morning erection. My case seems so unfortunate, that i cant count on those classic signs of recovery.

Edit: That said, one video os hunting me so bad. It will be really difficult to resist it.
 
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