HE'S BACK! I've finally stopped. Now to hold on. My story to recovery

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Wolfmann, thank you for the great amount of possible activities to do at night. What we've done is that my phone is now, for the time being, placed at my wife's nightstand. I also have a nice book from Tara Brach at my nightstand and a journal to write in.


Thanks for the support.


Day 5 on hardmode

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Day 6 on hard mode.

So far so good. I feel like im back on the right track again. Also, the other things that have changed for me are paying off and bring improvement with them.

Stopping Ritalin was something i always thought to be impossible. But, after a prolongued period without i can safely say that i CAN function without it at work.
I've been taking it since i was 16 and i don't know any better. The first few weeks were very difficult. But I feel that my brain is now used to living without it.
Ok, so my concentration isn't the best. But i am actually managing quite well. This has been a real good boost to my confidence and self worth.

Switching to a vegan diet has also brought me a lot (unexpectedly). Although i really REALLY miss cheese, i find that i have more energy, am less bloated and also starting to loose some weight.
And all that while i'm eating a lot more than before. The added energy does help with battling the addiction.

With the wife it is going very turbulent. Due to the confession and my change in approaching problems we're working through 16 years of issues. So there is a lot to discuss.
She's so sweet and understanding, but understandibly she sometimes is also very angry and/or depressed. This was to be expected and i am glad that lately I am finaly able to openly communicate with her.
This really helps to not let discussions escalate.

Right now my focus on battling and prevention wrt the addiction was not 100% yet. We had a huge fight about it, since she was the one that was trying to make sure I did not fall into my own traps.
So now im refocussed and fully committed. But sadly it took quite a toll on my wife. So that's my focus for now.
PMO prevention and marriage saving.

But, in all honesty I can say that im glad and happy to (finally) do it. It is WAY overdue and probably on the edge of too late. But it's happening.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

So, today is just a check in a spart of being more engaged and committed. Day 8 on hard mode. This is when the physical AND mental urges combine forces to form the urge overlord to try and persuade me to relapse.

But not this time Mister!

I've been busy all day at work,  with the wife and helping a friend. Tomorrow I've a day off, but I'm going to spend it with the wife and I will have dinner at my mother and later that evening a friend is coming over and spending the night. The rest of the weekend is pretty packed with nice activities as well so I'm pretty covered in the not being alone department.

All in all I'm feeling positive and positive towards myself. I do notice the urges and also how I'm so used to them that sometimes I forget that they are there. That is one of my weak spots. They feel natural to me. And, I think that is something that I really have to be weary off.

But for now day 8 is almost over. I'm ready for day 9

 

[CB]

Congrats on your 8 day streak! Great work man! Yeah it?s a wonderful feeling, not have to feel shameful or like one is hiding something. It?s the best feeling in the world! Embrace it! Sounds like a great weekend coming up, enjoy it!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Day 12 and counting. Urge wise, the worst days are over for now. But in a week I will be in uncharted territory again. Need to keep myself alert and wakeful for possible triggers and traps.

Had a great great weekend. A lot of fun activities and a great time with the missus. We both really needed that. Sex is still off the table for now since we want to take it slow and make sure that I've bested this darned addiction. That is really REALLY difficult because she is so damn fine. But, it's also worth the wait. I'm soing this for the long run.

Goigg strong!!!

 

[CB]

Great job! What is happening that will put you more at risk?

Yeah sex is recommended to keep away from for a little while. Let your head get some rest from it. I know it is hard, triggers are many and it?s easy to fall back down. Just keep telling yourself about the consequences of using pmo, and it will help. Write them down on a paper if it gets bad at some point, I have and it helps to get some perspective. But that little devil in our minds have a way of getting quite big fast.

keep on going, you?re doing great!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Thanks CB!

What happens that us risky that when it feels less difficult, I will let my guard down. That is my absolute number 1 downfall.

But I am already prepared for the whole week ahead!!.

So far it's day 16 on hard mode and keeping on going strong. I feel like I have control again and that makes me feel empowered and motivated.

 

[Freddy]

How is it going, day 20?

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Freddy, thanks for checking in. So far so good, day 24!!!! The urges were strong, but I resisted. At home things are quieting down, which is great. Just one more week...

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Day 26, so far so good. Horny as hell but I'm resisting... Just one more week!! ?

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

So an update is long overdue.

I've made the initial challenge. Yeah. But now to keep going, that is the hard part.
I've noticed that the urges have gone more silent but are now aiming for the old automatic pilot mode. I've almost given in a couple of times. But luckily I didn't.

I've noticed that I've been absent both on here as wel as in my mind with regards to the addiction and that is not a good thing. I'm giving myself an extra 2 weeks of no masturbating just to get my thoughts in the right direction. I feel that I am not there yet.

 

[CB]

Good to hear you have been keeping yourself from relapsing. That?s really good, it is definitely a boost  just knowing you haven?t given in to it. Just keep going you will make it.
We are all here to help each other, it is a long way to getting free and it is not easy at all. The easiest part is just letting go and falling back down to that ?best feeling in the world?.

But it is consuming us too, it?s so easy to fall down that spiral. But it has a price, and I don?t think anyone wants this to lead to really bad stuff, as for some people. I don?t want that and I?m sure you don?t want that. Keep hanging in there, the cravings are bad sometimes but they tend to go away if we don?t reason with the addicted self. And they go away faster for each day, some days feel like your stuck at page one again, but it will go away. It?s all part of recovery.

Hope you?re doing better.

 

[Orbiter]

Hey Shade,

Sometimes I think that initial period is the easiest part. It's the part after the eureka moment and the rush of self-confidence and motivation that comes with that initial decision to making an improvement that could change our lives. Maintaining it is far harder and the rewards are not always immediately tangible. You will make it though, just keep going and don't give up no matter what. Every day is a victory.

 

[Wolfman]

Awesome stuff Shade! Milestones can be really helpful, but also make sure to set the next as you progress. I hope things are working out for the better and that you're discovering a better self of yourself in the challenge and its overcoming.

Take care of yourself, and others, brother.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hi guys, here I am again. All is still going well, but I'm still struggling. I will write a more extisive story later.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hi Guys,

After i've hit my target i've actually let the forum slip! And i've also noticed that a while back, the site was offline alot for some weird reason.

Anyway i'm back again and i want to give an update on how I'm doing and where i'm at. Also i am very interested in you guys.

For me it has been okay. No full relapses. Only some MO's. But i've noticed that i want to MO a lot. And yesterday i've actually did it to hard (deathgrip) and bruised myself... That for me was a wake up call to get my full attention back to my addiction. I've been letting it slip way to much and that's very dangerous for me. Weirdly and luckily i've not relapsed, but I have been struggling against it.

I can imagine that for a lot of you guys, this corona virus is a very difficult thing since a lot of us are forced to work from home. Myself included. My office is on the third floor of our house, nice and secluded. But, i did make sure that counter measures are in place. I've got a home trainer and my weight sets there as well so i've been working out like crazy haha. This helps me when I feel urges.

Other than that the wife an I are doing fine. She has been and still is very supportive of me with my addiction and she makes it very clear that I can talk to her about it. For me it is still difficult to open up about it, but I've noticed that slowly but surely i'm getting used to it. This makes it easier. Still no sexy time between us, but that was a mutual decision. We've been building on our relationship a lot and we're making good progress. But all progress comes with ups and downs.

I'm very positive and grateful and i will start posting here much more regularly again

Cheers!

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hi Guys,

I forgot to mention that yesterday (or the day before yesterday actually was a counter reset for a new hard mode period.. 4 weeks) So today i'm at day 2.
Everything going well, still a bit confumbled from the fact that i actually yanked it to hard.. Anyway, i've been reading up a lot and i've noticed that a lot of the ppl that were posting at the same time as me have already stopped posting. I'm curious how they are.

But back to me. The weather here is fantastic, and it sucks since we kinda cannot not go outside. SO i've been trying to clean up the garden and roof terrace, so we can sit in the sun!!! I've yet to have urges since it's only been two days and i'm caring for the wife since she has corona (only mild sypmtoms luckily). Anyway. the struggle will begin once i start working again on tuesday. But im feeling strong and starting posting on here actually helps me to reach my goal i've noticed. By doing so i've forced myself to talk about the things that normally just float in my head, but now i actually put those feelings to words and that helps!!!

Bye, bye

 

[Andrew1973]

Hi Shade,
Just a note to say how encouraged I am reading your story and to congratulate you on your progress so far - particularly the manner in which you've reflected on the impact of previous behaviour on your wife, taken her into your confidence, and are tackling the journey together. You can't change the past, and only have the present moment to determine the future - the fact that you are making wise choices in the present moment and with awareness of your triggers and emotions is really great and an inspiration.
I agree with you that things are quiet on here - I only joined up a week or two ago, and am normally in the 40+ group. Things are very quiet there so I thought I'd come and look at what the 30somethings are doing! I've been discussing how quiet things are with a few guys and there seems to be a consensus that it's lockdown related - maybe people don't have the private time to get a quiet moment and journal on here (with others in the house). At the same time hopefully this means they don't have the private time to PMO also - perhaps the lockdown may help as one big reboot for some - that was certainly my plan when I came here.

Wishing you much luck in your continued journey (also nice to have a fellow European here!).

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey UKGuy, thanks for the loving words! It means a great deal to me, it really does!

And i do also think that is is lockdown related. I just hope that all the people on here that live alone won't have an even more difficult time. It is after all a time of stress and uncertainty and therefore a time at which the addiction is even more dangerous.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Update,

Today i got some urges so I immediately went to hit the weights and do some planking exercises. That helped a lot. Other than that I'm missing the previous interaction on this forum from before. It is one of the things that I loved about this forum. But this forum never dissapoints because other new people started responding. Yay for this community