Today I got an email from Laila Mickelwait, the founder of Trafficking Hub, (an organization that fight against human trafficking with regard to sexual exploitation.)
The email was about her new setup for a organization against the policies that big porn corporations allow to promote sexual crimes and traumatized sexual experiences from victims.
To be honest I don't remember much when I subscribed to her email, but I think it was while I was still on Twitter. I got to read one of her articles today from the email and I was both disgusted and aroused.
I was disgusted because of how I contributed to these traumatized victims who had suicide attempts because of some of the things I conciously and intentionally searched for. I got to see how far I have fallen in my moral compass of what is right and wrong, how the compulsive nature of porn had dragged me to this place. As a Christian, I'm employed to fight for those who are helpless, to fight for justice in every way. Seeing how I am supporting these injustice by seeking and watching these acts surely got me sad and remorseful for what I keep doing whenever I am blinded by this Addiction.
But while reading, I also got aroused to some of the things said. I couldn't help but see some of the cues and new wordtags that would normally go me find some of those fetishes I normally consume and gives me superficial dopamine overloads. I saw myself wanting to jump right into a porn site to try them and see more novelty in those fetishes. I was conflicted with my normal self and my addictive personality. Ying and yang, black and white, the devil and the angel on my shoulders were all fighting for monopoly in my thoughts. I managed to read through the article without leaving it to a porn site. I can help but think that the next time I am triggered to act, those word tags will be at the forefront of my head.
This is the malady of most addicts I guess. It's very saddening for me. It makes me feel and see how much of a sickness I have.
....the disregard for humanity and other's suffering to satisfy my selfish pleasures.
I just pray to God to keep on lightening up the consequences of my actions everyday, that I see them plainly and that I surrender to Him to restore me to sanity.
Evey step, every hour, every day I take towards recovery, weakens the pull of this addiction over my life.
Keep pushing back
1 day clean