Pushing back!

ukquit11

Member
Just a thought on avoiding social media triggers, I also run my work's Facebook/Twitter/Instagram account and it has been a challenge in the past not to let my mind wander while using them. Could you sign up to a social media management platform like Hootsuite? That way, you can schedule posts and also check engagement without actually having to use the platforms themselves? I have used this well over the past year while being very disciplined in only logging in to reply to any messages/comments that have been received and nothing else.

Keep up the good work!
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
But after my last relapse, I really don't care, I just want that support that is necessary for recovery back here on the forum.

Chris! It's great to see you, and I've often thought about you, and hoped that you were doing well.

I'm glad you're back, and wish to be available to you to support you in your journey, as before.

Welcome back!
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Just a thought on avoiding social media triggers, I also run my work's Facebook/Twitter/Instagram account and it has been a challenge in the past not to let my mind wander while using them. Could you sign up to a social media management platform like Hootsuite? That way, you can schedule posts and also check engagement without actually having to use the platforms themselves? I have used this well over the past year while being very disciplined in only logging in to reply to any messages/comments that have been received and nothing else.

Keep up the good work!
Not to worry, I'm not even using Twitter right now anymore. Decided to stop it altogether. The only social media apps I use currently is telegram and occasionally Instagram. Then discord. Discord is mostly for my PAA Community where I have dedicated servers that are kinda porn proof.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Day 1/20

Relapsed yesterday again. It was a sex dream. I reached out calmed down...but then even when I was not triggered I decided to conciously to watch porn even when I was not still triggered. It was just this habitual nature of feeling like I need it to fill in some hole in me. The annoying thing was that I decided to ignore all the holy Spirit's voice warning me about it, that if I continue I am going to destroy my life. That this is a path that just goes on and on down until my life is irreversibly destroyed. It was so clear but still yet I disobeyed. And guess what,it was worthless- I mean the Experience. Didn't enjoy it like some other times, but still wasted hours and data trying to keep my dopamine levels high with scrolling. It was just this compulsive habit, nothing really good about it in any way.

I need to get a grip and tell myself the truth. Porn doesn't fill any hole. There's no hole to fill. It's in my head. Surely people who don't have this addiction do not feel this same need. It's just a result of years of using.

I just did my devotional,got to pray and do my exercise now. Been sick but, I think today the medicine I started yesterday will kick in.

Got to go submit my resume somewhere for a job and put banners out for a side hustle later in the evening today.


Luke 6:45 says out of the treasury of our heart flows our words. I need to guard my heart so my actions and words will be a reflection of it.

One concious thought after the other, I get closer to recovery.

Prayers then, excercise, then finding a sheet to write a letter, to bathing, eating etc.

Will make sure to read my POP book (A porn recovery book) today.

Take care guys
Keep pushing back!
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Day 2



Woke up early so I can go and put banners and posters in some places in the city. I'm getting a little triggered these days from seeing women walk without bras, making their nipples pop and their breast bounce. I think I have to try to look away and be more concious about where my eyes go to.

My thoughts too this morning wanted me to relapse when I was waking up, half asleep. But thankfully I heard someone singing outside and it had 'in the name of Jesus' part of the lyric, it kinda killed the urges I was developing. So when I woke up it didn't affect me badly.

Need to go home do my devotional, pray and then read my book. Tomorrow,I'd find out if I will have a job or not.

Keep pushing back!
Chris
 
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Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
I relapsed today. Just wanted to share with the community. I had a trigger while watching TV and I let it control me.

I'm slightly dissapointed but still motivated to continue the fight.

I would like to mention that, I've tried so many methods in the past for recovery, failed most of the time. But among everyone, I never felt more at peace and focused like I was actually recovering when I used the 12 steps with a sponsor. It ties together to my spirituality which is one of my major motivations to stop among many others.

I recently got a new sponsor and I want to refocus my mind on the 12 step program by taking a stroll through the steps again so I can move forward from where I stopped with former sponsor.

Would love your continued support.

Wishing everybody recovery.

Keep pushing back!
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Sorry for your relapse, Chris!

I think that the method, whichever one we decide to work, is only secondary to the heart behind the effort.

If I decide to tear down a house (before rebuilding it), the tools at my disposal can be more or less helpful, but if I'm determined to 'get the job done', I don't care what tools they are, I'm going to accomplish my task!

Get spitting mad at this persistent evil that wants to rob you of life- and you will do whatever it takes to get rid of it!

I'm confident that you will do whatever it takes to 'push back'!
 
Sorry to hear you relapsed, it just happened to me as well. I'll look into this 12 steps thing you mentioned. I actually really like what Phineas said and will try to use that to help keep me on track. Wishing you the best.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Happy to be 3 days sober

I have a lot going on right now. I have to study as well as buckle up for a promo season for my design work as well as keep pushing out ads for a home tutoring job.

Keeping my head high above the triggers of porn is going to be tough but I want to remind myself that I'm not in control anymore. I am powerless to this addiction and only God can take this away as I keep surrendering my will and life to Him one day at a time.

After my last relapse which happened after my last post, I decided to yet again make another sacrifice by not staying awake late or trying to work during early hours anymore. It's a dangerous time for me and knowing that I am powerless to it helps the decision more bearable I think. I do so untill I have more tolerance and the habit of automatically turning my will to God whenever triggers come in.

Talking to a friend of mine who had recovered from this addiction, I realized that sharing and talking about the addiction was a very important weapon in staying sober. I hope to do so more, although in different ways, every day. It could be reaching out to someone, or writing on the forum, or journaling, whatever it is, I've decided to do so at least once a day and see how it helps me.

At school today, I saw how much I was affected by so many triggers around me. So many beautiful girls. My mind kept trying to sexualize them and objectify them but I kept reminding myself of little truths, to stay in the moment and also to surrender my will to God.

I'm thankful for today.and hope the rest of my day go very smoothly.

Keep pushing back Everyone!
Chris
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Relapsed this morning after a sex dream. I think I need to put up some real measures to deal with that. Any suggestions?
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Relapsed this morning after a sex dream. I think I need to put up some real measures to deal with that. Any suggestions?

Hey, Chris.

The sex dream was a cue, and the urges may (or may not) follow after that. It's just a matter of not responding to the urges.

Say you woke up, and you had urges... Kind of 'step outside of yourself', like you were a thrid party observer. Be nonjudgmental about the whole thing, and just breathe through it, deeply and slowly, until the urges pass. And should they return (as they often come in waves), repeat the above.

That is the best thing. Soon, sex dreams won't even affect you as much, because they will no longer 'trigger' you.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Hey, Chris.

The sex dream was a cue, and the urges may (or may not) follow after that. It's just a matter of not responding to the urges.

Say you woke up, and you had urges... Kind of 'step outside of yourself', like you were a thrid party observer. Be nonjudgmental about the whole thing, and just breathe through it, deeply and slowly, until the urges pass. And should they return (as they often come in waves), repeat the above.

That is the best thing. Soon, sex dreams won't even affect you as much, because they will no longer 'trigger' you.
I guess you're right Phineas. I just don't have enough of myself when I wake up from a sex dream to think rationally or fight. I think the best thing may just be to reach out to someone, whether I have triggers afterwards or not. This has helped me in the past. And then get away from my phone untill the day is clear.

I also can't wait to get to that point when sex dreams are no longer serious triggers.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
3/120

Today I find myself going through the motions again. I don't want today to be like other days. I have so much on my plate, but rather than being overwhelmed with what I have to do or worry about, I want to choose to focus on what I can do....on one thing at a time and then move on to another. It's much more sane for me. That's the only way I can win my day.

I task at a time

I thought at a time

I day at a time
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Day 0

Relapsed again this morning after waking up from a sex dream... I'm kinda tired of the cycle and the trying and the guilt. But at the same time, I kinda realize I have not been working the steps and my POP program as I should.
So I have no right to complain I guess

Currently, I keep having sex dreams that put me on autopilot between day 3 & 5. Got to break that.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to reach for help when I'm triggered this way with dreams. Waking up in the middle of the night like a zombie and looking for porn immediately is a wired behavior 😅, but reaching for help, if I can turn that to a habit then that'd be great.

I can normally do that in my discord community....and in like 3 minutes I'd be in a call with someone. It's so helpful also. Its just the decision to do so in the heat of the moment.

Will try my best to do that more and also read POP (porn over pornography) book.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Today I got an email from Laila Mickelwait, the founder of Trafficking Hub, (an organization that fight against human trafficking with regard to sexual exploitation.)

The email was about her new setup for a organization against the policies that big porn corporations allow to promote sexual crimes and traumatized sexual experiences from victims.

To be honest I don't remember much when I subscribed to her email, but I think it was while I was still on Twitter. I got to read one of her articles today from the email and I was both disgusted and aroused.

I was disgusted because of how I contributed to these traumatized victims who had suicide attempts because of some of the things I conciously and intentionally searched for. I got to see how far I have fallen in my moral compass of what is right and wrong, how the compulsive nature of porn had dragged me to this place. As a Christian, I'm employed to fight for those who are helpless, to fight for justice in every way. Seeing how I am supporting these injustice by seeking and watching these acts surely got me sad and remorseful for what I keep doing whenever I am blinded by this Addiction.

But while reading, I also got aroused to some of the things said. I couldn't help but see some of the cues and new wordtags that would normally go me find some of those fetishes I normally consume and gives me superficial dopamine overloads. I saw myself wanting to jump right into a porn site to try them and see more novelty in those fetishes. I was conflicted with my normal self and my addictive personality. Ying and yang, black and white, the devil and the angel on my shoulders were all fighting for monopoly in my thoughts. I managed to read through the article without leaving it to a porn site. I can help but think that the next time I am triggered to act, those word tags will be at the forefront of my head.

This is the malady of most addicts I guess. It's very saddening for me. It makes me feel and see how much of a sickness I have.

....the disregard for humanity and other's suffering to satisfy my selfish pleasures.

I just pray to God to keep on lightening up the consequences of my actions everyday, that I see them plainly and that I surrender to Him to restore me to sanity.

Evey step, every hour, every day I take towards recovery, weakens the pull of this addiction over my life.

Keep pushing back
Chris
1 day clean
 

ukquit11

Member
Don't pay too much mind to it, all of those thoughts are the porn talking and do not reflect on you as a person in any way at all. I know we'll both overcome our relapses and get there!
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Hey Chris, I know exactly what you mean. I have been there before, more times than I can count. Something that shouldn't be arousing is, and it's a terrible feeling, especially when you cannot simply turn it off. I can only imagine that goes along with the reboot though, that there is freedom over time. I also completely understand the 3-4 day hump, that's when motivation starts fading, when what was disgusting and abhorrent just a few days earlier is sounding pretty fun now. You start thinking differently, you entertain thoughts you would not have just days earlier. Then you relapse and you're exactly where you were a few days ago, and the cycle runs back.

I've been there for too long. I need to do something different, because I know this is not how it has to be. There's a way out.

This year I have learned that pursuing things that make me happy pushes the porn aside. When I am fulfilled, I am not craving it. That's a big deal. Obviously this isn't something I can always accomplish, but it is something to strive for. It's like an extra benefit to take care of myself. I dunno. I hope you're doing well, it's been a bit. Don't get too down on yourself, think about how to turn this around.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Thanks walker and uquit

Thankful for a new day. I feel really blissful today. I pray that God channel His love through me today to accomplish His will. For me to be a good representative of Him in this world, shining light on His way of life and Kingdom.

Wishing everyone a sober day.
 
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