Ex-edger

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Mr.Slurps,

First of all, the question Rookie asked is an excellent one!

Secondly why do you feel like you are not  'worthy'. Worthiness implies that you have to meet requirements before you have a right to something.
To me that is utter nonsense because you are a human being an no lesser than any other person. Anyone deserves support and love no matter what. And that includes you Mr.Slurps!

It is great that you've got the day 1 done! Excellent job. It is as you say that despite your tailspin you are back on the horse, trying again.

the fact remains that you are still here, on this forum.

Good luck man, i'm rooting for you

 

[Andrew1973]

Good to see you back Mr S.
What are your reflections after your 'binge'?
Has it made you more resolute to stop, or feeling helpless that you were sucked back in again?
I have felt both of those emotions many times in the past myself, and quite often it's a mixture of both.
Either way, they are just feelings, and will pass themselves, as the feelings of temptation also pass if we watch them and follow the 6 point plan (copyright shade and traveler 32!)
I think what's important is that we don't get sucked into those emotions but instead ensure that each day we learn. Despite the pain and frustration they bring in the short term, those failure days are rich with learning (moreso in fact than the success days), but we need to extract that learning and then apply it to grow - otherwise we just keep going round in the same circles.
As an aside, I disagree with your assessment that you've made no chemical/psychological progress just because you slipped and binged. Why not write a list of the things you've learned since you joined the site? I think you'll be surprised.
Then write a list of the stuff you'll do differently that incorporates the learnings.
Well done on day 1 - we all look forward to celebrating day 2 with you. Take care.

 

[mr.slurps]

Hi Guys,  I've got 3 days now. That means a lot. But it feels like it amounts to a hill of beans. Nothing.
I've lost some of my motivation b/c of the binge. The sharp edge is now dull.
Before I hated porn and what "it" did to me and how it ensnared me. 4 days ago I was still welcoming it back as a long lost friend.
That's the negative.
The positive is that intellectually, now that I've been on this reboot path for 90 days, I know porn is not a friend and never can be. My friends, like those here, I can trust to do/say what is in my best interest. Not so w/ porn.
As far as how many days I did relapse during 90, I'd estimate 20.
Days I would have- approx. 85. The difference is 65. Average time per session- 2 hours. = approx 130 hours doing something better.
130 hours> 3 full work weeks
So, Rookie, thanks for the comparison idea.
Just in terms of time (not emotional, spiritual, that blah feeling...) more than 3 full work weeks is in reality a big gain.
UK, re the learning I got from that big relapse was to cherish the clean days and not take them for granted. The clean days are in reality (not just my mind) better.

 

[mr.slurps]

That was funky! After I made that last statement re how clean days are in "reality" better, "not just my mind," I realized that was a weird thing to say. What basis do I have to say that?
This is what I came up with:  the clean days make the days of my loved ones directly better.
Their friends and families are better, albeit infinitesimally. And that effect may indirectly effect universe. (that may be a stretcher)
On my clean days, there are definitely fewer minutes of porn "consumed." That too, to some extent, lessens the pejorative effect of porn on others. Maybe one less woman was violated thereby.

 

[Andrew1973]

Great insight Mr Slurps. Everyone that matters wins! Especially you. So great to see you positive and moving forward.

That was funky! After I made that last statement re how clean days are in "reality" better, "not just my mind," I realized that was a weird thing to say. What basis do I have to say that?
This is what I came up with:  the clean days make the days of my loved ones directly better.
Their friends and families are better, albeit infinitesimally. And that effect may indirectly effect universe. (that may be a stretcher)
On my clean days, there are definitely fewer minutes of porn "consumed." That too, to some extent, lessens the pejorative effect of porn on others. Maybe one less woman was violated thereby.

 

[mr.slurps]

Hey Guys,  Day 0.  I've fallen again. Now I need to pick myself up again. 

 

[Andrew1973]

I?m sorry to hear that Mr S, but keep going my friend!
I noticed that in your successful streak, you were here often (daily?). Do you think that frequent connectivity was a contributory factor in that success? I know it is for me. Take care.

 

[mr.slurps]

Hi Guys,  I have one clean day. Today will be #2.

 

[mr.slurps]

Hi guys,  UK you've been helpful and you have some wisdom that you share generously. Again, don't get too puffed up, even you probably falter on some little thing here and there. I'd guess you have some good karma in your bank account.
Today will be Day #3. It's not an impressive milestone but it is in baseball. If I make it through today, I'm back to batting .500 in June. If a baseball team has more wins than losses, it is a good season even if they don't make the playoffs.
There was a trying work issue that thankfully resolved well.
Related to that and rebooting I had a realization that I've been greedy. I want satisfaction/positive feelings to result from my worthy goals. In reality that can't always happen. There must also be some pain and disappointment.
So I need to expect the sometimes big frustrations and accept/prepare for them. (easier said than done)
As a minimum I can stop life's disappointments from being triggers to relapse. Turning to porn is really being greedy in the sense that I am refusing to accept that pain is part of the bargain in every endeavor.
Sorry for going off on the windy road of introspection.
How are you all faring?

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Mr.Slurps,

Let's put it all in perspective. Although you've had some setbacks you did come on this forum every time. You did admit it to yourself and told us about it. And every time this happened you gained some knowlegde about the hows and the why's of your addiction.
So although you say day #3 is not impressive, it's still already three days that you've not indulged in this poisonous addiction.

So to me you are doing quite well! Remember that it's a progress and that eradicating an addiction is extremely difficult.


Stay strong my friend,


I'm rooting for you

 

[Andrew1973]

Related to that and rebooting I had a realization that I've been greedy. I want satisfaction/positive feelings to result from my worthy goals. In reality that can't always happen. There must also be some pain and disappointment.
So I need to expect the sometimes big frustrations and accept/prepare for them. (easier said than done)
As a minimum I can stop life's disappointments from being triggers to relapse. Turning to porn is really being greedy in the sense that I am refusing to accept that pain is part of the bargain in every endeavor.

I think there is real wisdom and self awareness in your post Mr S.
I have been reading a bit about the Stoics recently, and Seneca said "The wise man looks to the purpose of all actions, not to their consequences; beginnings are in our power but fortune judges the outcome, and I do not grant her a verdict upon me." The book, BTW is called "The Little Book of Stoicism" by Jonas Salzgeber - recommended.
I'm glad that the St Slurps Sox baseball team is having a good June....you might make the play offs yet!
Take care.

 

[mr.slurps]

Hiya UK,  Thanks for the words of encouragement/understanding. That is appreciated especially when everything feels precarious. As I write this I feel like I'm tottering on the edge of the precipice of relapse.
Thanks for the Seneca teaching. It sounds right. Of necessity the outcome is beyond our control (we could die tomorrow.) But that doesn't relieve us of the responsibility to act positively for a good reason.
Addiction is a weird thing. All here feel it is insidious and harmful in a very real sense. We all know re the dopamine and societal/biological factors. But there is a volitional aspect that is tough for me to grasp. (Please excuse all the philosophizing. It's a kind of diversion, hopefully not harmful, for me.)
For example, let's say I'm "addicted" to a pursuing a Christian life. It consumes all of my time, energy, and it is all I can think re. I would be drawn to like-minded people (our forum?). We would support and encourage each other and go to church on Sunday at a minimum. Of course our present culture wouldn't denigrate that and a minister's calling is admired. The habits are self-sustaining and grow in the same way many porn addicts turn to more aberrant videos.
UK, I'll turn to you to solve this conundrum. I've only been able to posit the issue, not solve it.
In the meantime, on the ground, today will be day #4 if I have my way.
Where are you at on your streak? And how do you feel?  I'm wondering if you have experienced/felt noticeable shifts and tides that you can articulate.

 

[Joel]

Well done on getting accountable, Slurps, and great self awareness there. Have you listened to the porn free radio podcast? I think you'd find the guy interesting. He's not a big fan of terms like 'addiction' and 'dopamine' and is more interested in our heart's yearnings. He's Christian and that's a core part to him, but he speaks in a way that is helpful to anyone.

 

[Andrew1973]

Hi Mr S,
Ref your question, I think the key difference between an all encompassing religious lifestyle vs PMO addiction is that the latter is addictive, and the former isn't.
People may feel compelled to choose a particular religion (be that Christianity or any other) as it meets a need in their life, and as a consequence they may choose to dedicate large portions of their time to thinking about/participating in related activities. BUT - it always remains a choice. I have never met a Christian/Muslim/Jew etc who says 'I really need to kick this religion as I don't believe in it any more/it does me harm etc etc, but I just can't...I think I'm alright, but then I have a bad day, and next thing, WHAM....I find myself sat there in church, or praying' It just doesn't work like that.
PMO as we know is quite different, and whilst we always have the power of volition, the addictive nature of porn often makes exercising that volition extremely challenging (in the short term). The reboot process for me is about taking that volition, or right to choose, recognising that in the moment we are often weak, and committing to helping to supplement the thinking components of our brain to develop strategies that overcome the compulsion of the addiction and restore the effective power of choice across a longer time frame. They are my views anyway, for what they are worth! Be happy to hear anyone else. Take care and keep cheering the St Slurp Sox.

 

[mr.slurps]

Hiya guys,  Joel, I've got to be honest w/ you. I wasn't impressed by pfree radio. Maybe I was unlucky re the particular sessions.
In my opinion guys like you, UK, jix, shade, JoeP, Joel... have it over him in spades.
Anyhow, UK, pal, you made that religion v. porn distinction concisely and cleared it up for me. Good job. Thanks.
I had to read your second paragraph on volition twice b/c it was so good I needed to ingest it.
You seem to stress the strategic/prep aspect a lot for beating this addiction. I'm not sure if my brain is wired that way. I wish it were.
Maybe it's just a matter of learning how to take baby steps. Like when the urge strikes, scratch my nose and blink my eyes twice.
Suggestions?
Today is the opportunity for 5 clean days.

 

[mr.slurps]

Hiya Guys, (Day #6 if I have anything to say re it.)  Warning: this may be long-winded and all about my boring self.
It does start w/ you guys. Reading what you write about your marriages has given me a revelation that probably seems obvious. There is a lot of sacrifice, frustration and disappointment involved in even the best marriage.
In my porn induced "reality" I could live in a state of sexual bliss w/ beautiful willing women and make them disappear when I felt like it. No disappointment or frustration- only satisfaction. Two marriages and a lonely life have finally made me realize that this is a choice. It's not a matter of "I just haven't met the right one."
So even though I've repeatedly flubbed this reboot, this revelation is probably a boon.
When I see you guys, even in the midst of corona and your own tribulations, surrounded by love, it gives me hope. Hopefully I can dump porn in favor of love. It's as simple as that for me.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Mr.Slurps,

Your realization is exactly how I see it as well.
keeping a marriage good is a lot of hard work and sacrifice. And what you wrote about the porn reality is something that i resonate 100% with.
I think that the statement of "haven't met the right one" is something that people say that were not motivated or too afraid to do somethiing with the situation. And of course finding your best match is something of a lucky break, but in all relationships you have to work together and create common ground.

I hope that you will find love, no matter what. In the end it is about acceptance and commitment.


Take care my friend

 

[mr.slurps]

Day #7- one week.  I'm getting the upper hand in June. 10 days clean v. 6 of relapse
Shade, thanks for the good thoughts/wishes. You are a good person. (A lot of that going on in this forum)
I bet when we finally defeat this horrendous porn addiction we will feel a lot more grateful for being alive.

I'd also like to proclaim that I'm grateful for this forum and the special folks here.

 

[Rookie]

Great job on refocusing your thinking. I'm not looking forward to the day I relapse (if I do) with this streak going. But as I mentioned before, it will be how many days relapsed vs days in a streak.

And you're right, pretty much everyone on this forum is rooting for success out of everyone here.

 

[Joel]

Hi Slurps,
congrats on one week, and those are great realizations about love. I guess the point of aiming for a 90 day streak is how much we learn and grow in the process. Porn urges won't magically disappear after 3 months, but we'll be men who are above them and can deal with them. Not watching porn seems like a simple thing to give up, but it is a journey that goes really deep and is an opportunity for a huge amount of growth and transformation. Onward!