mr.slurps said:
Hi Pal, I'm on day 0 again.
I'm batting one out of three on the healthy, wealthy and wise continuum.
But I suppose if I have my health, strictly speaking I can attain some wisdom. (wealth I don't control other than showing up for work).
Wisdom is what this struggle comes down to for me. You can tell from my tone I'm feeling down b/c I've relapsed so much.
June was 20 clean, 10 relapses. No appreciable progress.
My job right now is just to let go of my disappointment, frustration and helplessness-- find a foothold of equanimity.
How are you?
For this post to makes sense, I'm just going to bring my Christianity, for example purposes only.
When I first got saved in 2000 and became a believer, I knew I sinned before God everyday before hand, but after I got saved and was "suppose" to acted like a Christian, it seemed I noticed every little sin twice as much as before. I didn't have a computer at the time, but I noticed all the women, every time I fantasized and every thing...so I brought it up to a Christian brother, and he mentioned, "once you know about the law, you will notice every time you commit an infraction, not that it takes away your salvation and progress, but now that you know about it, you can't help but see it".
All that, to say, it's also like a scratch on your car that may have been there for 2 yrs, but you never saw it before. Then someone you know tells you, "oh yeah, forgot to tell you, I did that quite a while ago"...now every time you walk by your car, you notice it. It doesn't change the overall value of the car, doesn't change that it's been there for 2 yrs. But now that you know about it, you will be convicted about it every time it happens.
My friend, same with the addiction we have here. It doesn't change your worth or value as a human being.
Now you're just noticing how bad and deep this thing goes cause you're trying to quit. Before you did a bit of research and tried to quit...it didn't bother you all that much.
My friend, you have to look past your relapses...yes, we see you post a few "day 0..." going on...but you're posting them. Which means, you're no doubt shameful about it (which is good, if we weren't shameful about it, we wouldn't be on this board), but you're also brave enough to face the fact that you need encouragement and support.
We have you here bro, good days and bad. The only thing you have to recognize, is that your worth, isn't measured by your relapses.
It's going to be a pain, cause now that you're trying to quit, you will notice every thing...but you can't linger on it.
Hope these words shed a bit of encouragement for you Mr. S.
