I ended up peeking. The rush was more from I shouldn't be watching than from the actual content. The content isn't as arousing as it used to be and the desire to get lost in novelty isn't there either. The mind control/hypnosis factor of P is severely diminished
I remember early(ish) on in my recovery, I installed a P blocker onto my laptop, and for the most part it worked really well. However, its installation has unforeseen consequences: Whenever I had moments of weakness or significant P cravings, I began what can only be described as a frenzied search to find content that wasn't blocked. These furious searches could last quite a while (30-60mins) and I was definitely getting more of a rush from the excitement caused by the potentiality of finding a way around the blocker. I even felt like having a blocker was causing more harm to my recovery because whenever I was trying to find ways around the blocker, I became extremely excited and focussed on P. But if I didn't have the blocker installed, I would have been able to go straight to P without any huge build-up of excitement or anticipation. Suffice it to say when I did find P I just wasn't that 'into' it as I was prior to learning about my PA.
I ended up MOing. It was anorgasmic. I ejaculated but no O. Whatever.
The whole quitting of P is very anti-climactic. This is it? Just don't get aroused by this stuff, don't watch it, don't get hypnotized by it? I was expecting some sense of accomplishment or something like a victory parade or something. Nothing.
MO doesn't give me the pleasure it used to give me.
I think this is very telling and something to which I can heavily relate. Ever since I learnt about my PA, PMO has never really felt the same. Before the discovery that I had a P problem, watching P and PMO'ing was normal and recreational and enjoyable; there was no reason to think it was any other. However, once you learn about your addiction, something in the relationship between you and P changes, somehow. It's difficult to put your finger on what has changed or how it has changed but you can tell something has changed. PMO doesn't give you the pleasure it once did because you are aware that it is causing you harm. Yes, PMO might still feel good but you can't enjoy it as you once did because once you PMO, your thoughts immediately turn to stopping, thoughts that never existed prior to learning about your addiction. That wonderful, blissful innocence is gone and can never return.
I suppose the relationship with P (after you learn about PA and decide to recover) is not that dissimilar to a human relationship where the other person in the relationship cheated on you or screwed you over but you have decided to remain on civil terms. You can never go back to how things once were because your brain will never forget what the other person did to you. Yes, you may decide to go back and be friends, you may even decide to rekindle a romantic relationship (if the relationship was previously like this) but the trust that was once unquestionable (in the first relationship) will never return. This stops the relationship from being as enjoyable as it used to be as your brain will never fully relax around or with this person; to use a Star Trek term, your brain will always remain on 'Yellow Alert', and you are unable to turn this off.
Post-discovery of your addiction, and once you actively begin working on sobriety, P, PM, and PMO never do feel the same as before, which is a good thing. During difficult times in my recovery or in my life in general I have often considered throwing in the towel and just going back to PMOing as I did before, particularly as I have many years' worth of lost P consumption to make-up for. However, I actually find it much harder to continue with thoughts, let alone follow through with this threat, because I know in my heart of hearts I can never go back to enjoying P to how I once did. Do I miss P? Yes, quite often I do miss P. Will I ever go back to where I once was? No, because I know that I can't.
Keep it up.