Rebooting trough self-parenting

[EarthWalker]

Day 1.

To quit P. I think quitting idle time on electronic de-vices is also necessary.

I browsed some time wasting website with some memes. Sure enough. A sexy lady image pops up. No thank you and moving on.

What is so arousing with the images? Novelty? Am I aroused because of the novelty factor. Yes. Why did I stop on the sexy images? Novelty. This explains it for me. Also there is the old becomes new and old becomes old. This is why old P scenes become arousing again.

Got some P thoughts again. Is this the real me? Deep down I know the answer is no. But P is all I have known. Very sad. But P is all I know. It becomes part of the identity. How do you turn your back to part of your identity that has been with you for like 20 years?

Listening to an ultra-marathoner explain his experience. There are walls. Like first wall is at mile 18-20. There are more walls ahead. But this is where you can override the limits with your mind. It is not about nutrition, better exercise, but just pure mind. You need to push trough the wall with your mind.

I think P is no different. There are many walls. The obvious first super big one at days 10-15. It is all about the mind pushing trough.

It would be very easy for me to say. Ok. I relapsed. Why not enjoy it for a few days. Indulge in P. Then restart the run. I am tempted to just that.

What do I want? Why am I here?

When the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of change... I'll pick changing over not changing.

I'll imagine myself 1 year from now...still a PMO addict....then 5 years...then 10 years...then 20 years...

then imagine myself 1 year from now...without PMO (not that much better).... then 5 years (somewhat better) .... then 10 years (a big difference) ... then 20 years (a huge difference).

One day I will be 80 years old. I can reach 80 years with either 20 years of PMO behind me or 60 years of pmo.

Imagine ourselves at age 80 still PMOing. Yuck! Yuck! Seriously. Yuck!

Came across this quote.

?We don't rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of our training.?
? Archilochus

Wish everyone a good day
EW

 

[SebUK]

"?We don't rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of our training.?

Great quote.

My 'training' I guess has been meditation each day, plus doing a little self-esteem exercise from a book I read on self-esteem, plus filling out this diary each day, plus exercising more than usual and generally eating well (carnivore ).

So far all these things (not sure about the last one yet, too early to say), are helping I think. I know this because when I drop off one of them for a day or so, the urges seem to come back and I'm less resistant to them.

Good to see you back on the wagon.

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 2.

I had been throwing psychology at the addiction problem. I'll keep going. Sooner or later something is going to break the addiction.

Very tempted to watch P and PMO. Come on, only day 2, do a few PMOs, then we can start the streak again.

Some P scenes are coming up yet again different then what I relapsed to. Why this? Novelty. For the addicted brain this is the freshest stuff. Maybe this is why the P scenes that come up are so "random". The addicted brain wants to keep the entire P catalog fresh. So it is refreshing it. Sometimes it needs to go way back in the past to keep the oldest entries in the catalog fresh, other times it goes to the more recent stuff to anchor it down. So it is like self reinforcing process with the PMO. The addicted brain is reinforcing a P catalogue spanning 20 years.

This cannot be won by fighting. I cannot fight anything. Yet I can understand it and let it go.

I am dealing also with some sort of an "archivist", "librarian". A librarian that thinks its whole existence is about keeping the P library afloat. This is just another aspect of P addiction machinery.

What can I do about it? When the P thoughts came up. I want them to be gone ASAP.

I need to change my mindset. Not be just like ok, I managed 30 mins, now they are gone. If they lasted for 45 mins I'd cave. I need to be able to live with them for an extended period of time. If the P scene is nagging me for 2 hours. I need to be able to sustain my commitment for longer than the P thoughts can manage.

I just need to be able to sustain my commitment to be P free for longer than the P addiction can sustain it's thoughts. In a way it is not about running from someone. Like in horror movies someone is running away from someone else.

We are running in parallel. There is the real me. Running in a lane. And in another lane is the P addiction. It is about endurance. Who will stop running first. Will I cave first and stop running and the P addiction will win. Something like that. It is hard to make some sort of analogy with the real world.

In any case. I just need to outlast the P thoughts. Sometimes that is 5 minutes, sometimes it is 5 hours.

Wish everyone a good day
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

I came across an article about Soul Disconnection. It says Recognizing Deviant Behavior as Soul Disconnection.

Just the title alone clicked for me. I just skimmed the article. The title alone is enough. In some explanations. The 4,5 and 6th chakra make up for the soul body. Most of humanity is operating from 1,2,3 chakra the personality body.

In my experience. I've probably mentioned it before but I feel like there is this broken wire between the sexual organs and the heart center. Instead of the sexual energy circulating trough the heart and then the brain. The sexual energy is prevented to go to the heart with this soul disconnection and instead is tricked to play out with this deviant fantasies that are making the disconnection with the soul even greater.

What do I want? I want to become the real me. This is vague. Be more specific.
What do I want? I want to be soul embodied i.e. I want my personality matrix to be reconnected with my soul matrix i.e. repair the broken wire(s) between 1,2,3 chakras and chakras 4,5,6.

Why am I here? A mix of reasons. It feels right to be posting here. I'll elaborate more on some future post.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 3.

I outlasted the urges to PMO.

This is quite hard as (P)MO is the only thing I know. I don't have any experience with what I am moving towards. In terms of sexuality I've never experienced anything other than (P)MO.

Why am I doing this? Again with the "real" me. To become the "real" me. But the real me is buried under so much layers of addictions. It is easy to lose sight of the goal.

What I am saying is. I am not seeing the end goal clearly. It is hazy and muted down. Oh, the insidious nature of addiction. If I try to image myself living a life without P. It is like parts of me don't believe it. Like I am meant to be a PMO addict. Now we are getting somewhere.

Like I said. I am going to throw so much psychology at this addiction sooner or later it is going to break.

I don't have a clear vision of myself living a PMO free life. I know PMO is not part of the "real" me. But life sucks if I am PMO free or not. What is the point of it? Seeing myself as a PMO free person and a PMO addict. They are both the same.

Intuitively I know. PMO/P is not good. This is not who I am suppose to be. That said. When the shit hits the fan and urges strike. Seeing myself as PMO free or PMO addiction. Not much difference. So why bother?

Why bother with PMO at all?

He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.

My why is not strong enough. That is why I am having such a hard time breaking this addiction.

Why am I doing this? Why am I here?

There is more to life than PMO. PMO blocks me to experience the more of life. I wish to experience the more of life. Therefore PMO has to go.

This is too mental. It lacks that emotional charge to really make changes.

Why am I here?

I don't want to waste my potential. Deep down I feel like I have this potential to be more. Like I occasionally play chess. It doesn't bother me if I loose. What bothers me is when I know/feel it that I could have done a better job with the game.

Am I ok with living less than my potential? Yes? What? Ok. Fair enough. Will find something else.

Why am I here?

As a kid I was very curious. I wanted to know how things work. This sense of exploration was there. Creativity. P just kills all creativity. I want to be that free kid again who wants to explore the world. There is no creativity with P, no exploration to be had, it is the same trick disguised in millions different ways. Now I am getting somewhere. There is some emotional charge behind this.

I want to become that free flowing, kind, curious kid again. Past to the Future. Future to the Past. In the now moment. Let it be so again.

It might be vague. But my "be-ingness". Know exactly what I am talking about. There is emotional charge behind this. So I will use this. And see how far this will bring me in terms of reboot.

Wish everyone a good day, stay true to your authentic selves.
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 0.

I got overloaded. I have a few good excuses. I ran out of groceries on Sunday and the shops are closed due to Covid on Sunday. So ... was pretty hungry the whole day.
But I need to take better care of myself. Haven't found a diet that works for me. The steak everyday...I don't know. It gets pretty boring pretty quickly and it is very hard to get high quality fresh steak where I live. Pretty much everything is select grade (at best). I found one distributor of some high end steaks (prime grade) but they are frozen or packaged for +3 months. I made some of that. But once the food is frozen. It looses "energy". While it might have the same level of calories as non-frozen food. They are somehow "empty". I'd prefer to be a vegetarian/vegan. When I go to a vegan store the staff is pretty "unhealthy" looking. While at a butchers shop. The butchers then to be pretty physically strong. Maybe just my perception. Maybe I should just go with ground beef?

The problem with vegan food I have is that. It takes a whole lot of different ingredients to get it right. While with beef is simple. You can hit the macros and the micros with just steak + salad. Like 2-3 ingredients and I feel full.

(sfw: Shopping cart pusher can't stop hitting cars)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MZNcGpO0MI

Wish everyone a good start of the week
EW

 

[SebUK]

Hmmm I think hunger can be a trigger for me, maybe it is for you? Or maybe not a trigger per se, but it makes me more vulnerable to triggers.

Have you identified why you relapsed?

Regarding diet, I'm still doing carnivore. This has coincided with my clean streak but I'm not going to call cause-effect on it because I started my clean streak before I started on the diet (two weeks before I think). But...I do believe it is helping.

I eat bacon, eggs, cheese, beef patties, sausages, sirloin steak and chicken wings . I also have porterhouse steak and ribeye in the fridge, but haven't tried them yet. Looking forward to them as they are the best cut! Can you try and of those things as additional?

I still drink milk and have some mandarins but will probably phase those out eventually.

Diet is quite important to success here, I think, so I'm reading a lot about it.

PS: I agree with you on the healthy vegans thing. I live in a very progressive area where there are many vegans and I have quite a few vegan or vegetarian friends. They, like me, struggle with anxiety, depression and are generally not 'strong' looking people. I'm not saying this is due to diet (except for maybe the not being strong part), but I'm starting to think it could be related. More evidence needed.

 

[EarthWalker]

Hi, SebNZ. Thank you for the reply. I'll reply later. Need to process this stuff first:

From time to time I am puzzled why do people react negatively when I make all the correct factual statements. Until today I was not aware of the problem.

It happened with Shade and now with Sinclaire. The way Sinclaire succinctly put it

You ask good questions but I find it difficult to accept teaching from an experience that feels so malevolent.

This made me click. How can the question be both good and malevolent at the same time? Now I have an explanation. I had good intention but part of that intention is also a direct challenge to the other person's ego. This is the malevolence Sinclaire is talking about. I just did not see it this way until now.

I intended the wording to be a challenge to the other person's ego. As I thought maybe some good might come out of it. If it makes the person questions more. Then it is worth it. But no good can come from negative intent. Now I see it.

The higher mind recognized the questions as valid and good. But the ego labeled the questions as malevolence. Rightfully so as they were intended as a direct challenge to the ego.

The same with Shade. Said I raised very good points yet it didn't go well. How can I be both right and wrong at the same time? Well ... this is how. I hope I get it now and don't have to repeat the lesson.

My mindset was that all that matters are facts and the delivery doesn't matter. In fact the more abrasive the delivery the more chance it has of landing. I was wrong.

Thank you Sinclaire and Shade for making me realize this and I apologise for the malevolence. I cannot challenge anybody other than myself. Nothing good can come out of negativity.

EW

edit: want to add this: On the subject. I came up with this example. In MMA people challenge each other. The end result is both of them get pretty messed up. With something like (ultra)running. You are challenging yourself. I think you level up much more challenging yourself than others. Hopefully I get it now.

 

[Phineas 808]

Hi Earth Walker!

I just read the opening of your journal and found an affinity with my own story. I think that our mother's are so important, supposed to be. I can resonate with the spirit of what you said.

I want to read more, and follow your story more. The concept of self-parenting intrigued me, as I've certainly can relate to a need for that, though I've never articulated it that way before. As a Christian, I took comfort in biblical texts that say, "God is a Father to the fatherless" and so forth. So, interesting...

Grateful that you are here, and hope to be of some help on your journey.

 

[EarthWalker]

I've been taking a little bit of a break from RN and will continue to do soo. Maybe I'll be posting 1x per week or something like that.

Hi. SebNZ. Really happy that you are doing well and seeing positive changes.

With carnivore. I got to like day 10 or something. At day 8 is where problems started. Got very cold and also diarrhea. I didn't mind the diarrhea. It wasn't bad. Maybe because I also take some algae supplement. The algae supplement is great for digestion. But really minded being very cold. I then learned on some keto podcast. That either I am not getting enough calories in or not enough fat or fat isn't metabolized good enough. I should just get some coconut oil. Also for some reason I felt like eating some bananas (body intelligence). I also learned that it is good idea to get some Potassium supplements. Bananas are rich in potassium. But overall while I liked the simplicity of eating mostly meat. It is too boring for me. I don't know. Maybe I'll try again. But next time. I should get my potassium in order and also I guess get some coconut oil. Really glad you are seeing benefits.

Now I am eating standard diet stuff, but just decided to cut out bread and take it easy on sugar and wheats. I still eat potatoes and rice etc. Will keep on changing approaches until I get something that works.

If you are from NZ you must have some really high quality beef available to you. I imagine for a very decent price. Anyway. Very happy that you are doing well.

Hi. Phineas 808.

It is very tough. Also the realization I have is that our physical (biological) parents are false parents. Our true parent is God. I think when we are capable to love and parent ourselves our body (and addictions) will be healed among other positive things.

There are the parents that exist in the external. But there is also the spiritual parent that exists in the internal self. We are the true spiritual parent of ourselves.

Wish you well Phineas. I skimmed a little bit of your journal. Hope you will get to the root cause of the addiction and become a free man. For me the root is in childhood for sure. I am starting to have a change in attitude. Don't project blame onto my parents (and others). But just observe and forgive. It is a very long process.

Thank you for your post. See you around.

Also wanted to mention:

I started some simple meditation practice. I just intend to connect with my heart and let the intuition guide the process.

I also started some breathing exercises again. This guy Wim Hof comes up. But the principle is to just increase the oxygen in the body using deep breathing. It doesn't really matter which technique you use. The point is to just increase the amount of oxygen. Then the magic is in exhaling and then holding breath on empty lungs. This is where the magic happens. Basically all the yoga, chinese stuff, etc does it this way. the holding of breath (while extra oxygenated) on empty lungs. This is a very healing process and where "magic" happens in my view.

Wish everyone a good week.

EW

 

[Phineas 808]

It is very tough. Also the realization I have is that our physical (biological) parents are false parents. Our true parent is God. I think when we are capable to love and parent ourselves our body (and addictions) will be healed among other positive things.

There are the parents that exist in the external. But there is also the spiritual parent that exists in the internal self. We are the true spiritual parent of ourselves.

Psuedo-parents, lol...! Yeah, for sure. I appreciate your wording, many mystical concepts come to mind. Of course Yin and Yang are the 'parents' of 10,000 things, etc...

But very important, that within ourselves, excluding the false-ego, our true self is the key to our deliverance, our emancipation. Behold, the Kingdom of God is within you. The Self as key to unlocking our true potential as 'selves' in this world. What was for many of us a failed upbringing, with all its maladaptive behaviors, connecting with our inner truth can bring about a true parenting.

Wish you well Phineas. I skimmed a little bit of your journal. Hope you will get to the root cause of the addiction and become a free man. For me the root is in childhood for sure. I am starting to have a change in attitude. Don't project blame onto my parents (and others). But just observe and forgive. It is a very long process.

Thank you, E.W. I think that I've found that root cause, like yourself, in early childhood- and on up through my teenage years. And what really brought things into a compulsivity was when, having shared a teenage trauma with my then (1993) girl-friend, to have her look at me with disgust. That certainly seemed to cause a 'split', where my double-life came about.

But I have found that, important as getting to the root cause may be, stopping or changing the habit/addiction itself is not necessarily dependent on that. So, I treat them as separate, unorthodox as that may seem.

I started some simple meditation practice. I just intend to connect with my heart and let the intuition guide the process.

I also started some breathing exercises again. This guy Wim Hof comes up. But the principle is to just increase the oxygen in the body using deep breathing. It doesn't really matter which technique you use. The point is to just increase the amount of oxygen. Then the magic is in exhaling and then holding breath on empty lungs. This is where the magic happens. Basically all the yoga, chinese stuff, etc does it this way. the holding of breath (while extra oxygenated) on empty lungs. This is a very healing process and where "magic" happens in my view.

Yes, this is so beneficial, for so many reasons! I've found what you say here to be true, that it's when we hold off on that next breath, having emptied our lungs, is when we 'experience' awareness most.

Have a great week also.

 

[EarthWalker]

Thank you Phineas for the reply.

November has been a very bad month for me. But hopefully I learned something new:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_stages_of_grief

about the stages of grief. What is missing is also projection. I projected a lot of blame to everyone else. It is all "their" fault.

While objectively that might be the case in some cases. Like in personal life and in the greater collective. Like people choosing "profit" over humanity.

But I have 2 options. I can be bitter about it. It is all "their" fault. Or I can bite the bullet and make lemonade.

My last PMO has been on 26th November. In total of 6 PMO days in November.

Now time to make lemonade again.

Day 3.

I've started to read some psychology books again. This guy. Viktor Frankl. If I got it right. He says that meaning can be found from 3 different types of values:

1. Creative values. When we use our skills or talents. E.g. a farmer grows food, elementary school teacher teaches children.
2. Experiential values. When we experience something (meaningful), nature, beauty, art,  trough loving and giving to another person.
3. Attitudinal values. We can find meaning in choosing our attitude towards (unescapable) suffering.

From Wiki:

Finally, attitudinal values are reserved for individuals who cannot, for one reason or another, have new experiences or create new things. Thus they find meaning through adopting a new attitude that allows "suffering with dignity".

https://themeaningseeker.org/values-make-life-meaningful-logotherapy-advantage/
https://lentsblog.org/2018/08/10/viktor-frankls-attitudinal-values-or-having-the-right-attitude-about-life/

An individual?s mental health depends, in no small measure, on the right attitude he or she has about the hardships of life, such suffering, disappointment, failure and defeat.

In my mind. It is like. When I get over P then I can have a normal life. So the meaning is found after I rebooted. It doesn't work that way. What I can try now is...

Can I find meaning in the daily struggle with P? Can reboot on its own be a meaningful thing? Can how I react to P thoughts be a meaningful value and not just a hated chore.

Take, for example, human suffering. Its meaning is shaped, in large measure, by one?s attitude toward it. Thus, if one finds a meaning to suffering, one eases it. But if one chooses to find no meaning to suffering, one makes it even worse. Depending, then, on one?s attitude, suffering can either have meaning or be meaningless.

?I was weak so that I might become strong. I was hurt so that I might be healed. I was wrong so that I might be right. I had lost so that I might win. I was rejected so that I might be accepted. I had failed so that I might succeed. I was told ?no? so that I might hear ?yes.? I was broken so that I might be put back together, even better than before the break.?

I'll look into changing my attitude.

Mental Health is Shaped by a Person?s Attitude.
Meaning is Shaped by a Person?s Attitude.

Wish everyone a good week.
EW

 

[Phineas 808]

You're welcome, EW.

Sorry for your recent struggles, brother.

I like your avatar, making lemonade again. That's good.

Great quotes from Viktor Frankl, by the way! Finding meaning is the purpose of our existence, which his views take on a certain weightiness as he himself was a holocaust survivor.

In my mind. It is like. When I get over P then I can have a normal life. So the meaning is found after I rebooted. It doesn't work that way. What I can try now is...

Can I find meaning in the daily struggle with P? Can reboot on its own be a meaningful thing? Can how I react to P thoughts be a meaningful value and not just a hated chore.

I like this, finding meaning in the reboot itself, the journey itself, and not simply in the [eventual] reward. This is especially true given that our habits were all about immediate reward, even the hijacking of our pleasure/reward system.

While another cannot presume to project meaning onto someone else, I would say, 'Yes!' there's definite meaning in our day-to-day experience with cues, and how do we approach/handle them, or if and when urges arise, how we deal with these. Injecting purposeful meaning, to what before was a drudgery, sounds like turning what may have been a major downer into something positive, upbeat, and giving you an extra edge in your struggle.

I'll look into changing my attitude.

Mental Health is Shaped by a Person?s Attitude.
Meaning is Shaped by a Person?s Attitude.

Cheesy as it may sound, attitude is altitude. This is so important, and a definite check on myself when my own attitude lacks altitude, and I'm spiraling downward- I ask myself, "Why?". First I'll ask, "What am I feeling?"- than I'll ask, "What is happening (inside or outside) that I'm feeling this way?"

Checking our attitude is definitely a part of being mindful, and not mindless, which we all know leads us into our habit patterns.

Have a good week, as well.

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 4.

Taking control of my thoughts and emotions. Then I can influence my values and beliefs and then the attitude.

Just maybe I can see the meaning in reboot on itself. This is like a furnace so I can work on taking control over thoughts and emotions. Becoming authentically self. I can value e.g. authenticity but if my thoughts and emotions don't match that...not much use.

Wish everyone a good day.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Listening to some Jordan Peterson. He said that after age 25 your relationship with your parents should be that of your peers. That makes quite a lot of sense to me.

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 5.

Wish everyone a good day.

EW

 

[Orbiter]

You too EarthWalker!

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 6.

Wish everyone a good day.

EW

 

[SebUK]

Listening to some Jordan Peterson. He said that after age 25 your relationship with your parents should be that of your peers. That makes quite a lot of sense to me.

I don't agree with everything he says but I definitely agree with this!

The only problem is it requires your parents to agree... My mum still generally treats me as a child, which is very annoying.

 

[EarthWalker]

My mum still generally treats me as a child, which is very annoying.

From my view that is her problem not yours.

Just started to realize how much of a "Karen" my mother is. But that is her problem.

Day 7. Had a P dream. Like I am watching some P movies in the dreams. I stopped myself before they would become wet when I realized a bit what is going on. No thank you.

EW