The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[harpoon]

So I had a massive moment today the cravings were massive and I couldn't think straight. All i wanted was to fap to porn. I couldn't reason why not to fap, but I just couldn't go back to day 0.

And for those interested I will be honest and tell you why -

I hung out with a friend of mine, she's a girl. One of my best friends, and she's married to my other best friend. I know them 25-years.

Anyway we met in a park, and decided to go for coffee. It was a little walk away so we had a chat and a laugh while we walked In the coffee shop I noticed I had touched her arm a few times, then I noticed her lips for some reason. We ordered food and drinks and set down.

She's good company and we are good friends and we talked for an hour. I noticed her breasts on a few occasions, just the outline and her lips again but I just dismissed it. Hey they're nice lips.

Anyway we went for a long walk after that and eventually said see ya later. I had cravings to mo for the rest of the afternoon.

I dont want to come across as an asshole either, but that's where my mind was at. She is a great friend but being honest thats how it went.

 

[Beautiful1973]

I have some thoughts on this I could share, if you like Paul?
Could it be as simple as you were drawn to her beautiful feminine energy, which made you feel alive in that moment, therefore awakening your sexual energy and wanting to express yourself sexually and your desire to self pleasure.
When I read your post I see you ‘noticing’, being drawn to the feminine, in the purest term it would be like walking down the street and stopping to smell some beautiful flowers. You have suppressed your natural sexual energy for so long, it may just be popping up (quite literally) to greet you.
I’ll leave you with those thoughts.

 

[harpoon]

I have some thoughts on this I could share, if you like Paul?
Could it be as simple as you were drawn to her beautiful feminine energy, which made you feel alive in that moment, therefore awakening your sexual energy and wanting to express yourself sexually and your desire to self pleasure.
When I read your post I see you ‘noticing’, being drawn to the feminine, in the purest term it would be like walking down the street and stopping to smell some beautiful flowers. You have suppressed your natural sexual energy for so long, it may just be popping up (quite literally) to greet you.
I’ll leave you with those thoughts.

Thank you @Beautiful1973 yes, when you say it out loud I can only agree. I have suppressed that sexual energy for decades and a lot of this is new to me tbh

 

[harpoon]

I like writing in my journal at the start of the day, it helps to keep me focused.

There are three issues on my mind -
1. Porn
2. Depression
3. Relationship

1.Porn - everyday seems to get a little more difficult (like a belt going tightened) at times I just want to grab my phone and my cock and just go for it. I know it would feel great for awhile but knowing the pain that would cause me stops me.

2. Depression - I definitely have underlying depression, that's obvious to me now, caused by porn addiction maybe, but I'm not sure.

3. The relationship - I cant say I'm heartbroken but I do feel sorrow towards this relationship. I like her a lot, and at times she is really wonderful but most of the time I feel empty, even when i'm sitting beside her.
I can appreciate that she has had a hard life but she is very hard and I am a big softy really.
I've tried, and tried and tried but I can see that like other ppl whom have tried eventually you just give up and tbh that's where I am now.
She'll text me in awhile and ask how I am and what am i up to it's nice, but it's not enough.

 

[Beautiful1973]

It's nice, but it's not enough.

Morning Paul,

Do you know what would be enough? Could I challenge you to go underneath that a bit more?

 

[Beautiful1973]

I've been doing a lot of self development and something I've been researching recently is the need for polarity between masculine and feminine energy, how it creates attraction and an authentic connection.

I think you would really benefit from some embodiment practices as part of your journey.

 

[harpoon]

Morning Paul,

Do you know what would be enough? Could I challenge you to go underneath that a bit more?

@Beautiful1973 thanks counsellor I'm 100% joking there, I really enjoy your replies and I have learned so much from me.

So, regards the gf issue. Well as a massive porn addict (and lets be honest here, I'm a life long fan) in withdrawal, it's tough to know what I truely want.

Its not about sex, I know that because I was offered that before I met her and that particular woman just wanted me in ride her brains out and would let ne do whatever I wanted with her. Tbh in the end I just felt dirty (she was having an affair, o was that other guy.)

So really what I want is love. I don't need the rules. I just want to be myself and atm I guest feel strangled.

A little hug, a kiss, hold hands, just to be shown that she cares, just to feel wanted. Most of my ideas are shot down, and there nice ideas, just things I suggest, I honestly just give up. If its not practical its a waste of money, I don't get it. I can't live on the edge of seriousness anymore.

 

[Beautiful1973]

thanks counsellor

Funny so sorry if I'm coming across as Little Ms Fix It.....jokes!

Seriously, I ask the questions because I can feel a deep longing in your writing, I'm just trying to work out what that longing is, an awakening, a hangover from the withdrawal, or a genuine concern that your GF isn't on the same page as you.

'The rules', 'shot down' is that coming from the GF......would love to hear more, if your willing to share?

I'm currently taking a deep dive into spiritual/sacred sex, it might be way too soon for you to tackle that yet, but I suspect it could be really beneficial to you further down the track. I really believe that true intimacy & connection are the pathway out of this deep dark hole of porn addiction.

 

[harpoon]

I watched an episode of the King of Queen this morning and Doug said "...where are you going with this counsellor" its from Cape fear, was so funny.

The rules I guess have come from suggesting things and being shot down so many times, eventually I realised I would be shot down so wouldn't ask anymore.

My gf has been on her own for quite a few years now and has raised her child to a lovely 23 year old woman. But she is so settled in her ways.

I think I'm done tbh

Anyway I look at it this way- She is a recovered alcohol/drug abuser and I am a massive porn addict clinging on to sobriety deep in withdrawals. We both run, literally, away from our own demons and imho if you can't sit still, those demons are knocking at your door.

 

[harpoon]

I knew quitting porn wouldn't be easy but i never expected it to be this tough

 

[Blondie]

Stay the road @harpoon.

It's not easy, but that's why it's so important.

 

[harpoon]

I knew quitting porn wouldn't be easy but i never expected it to be this tough

I actually want to put a bullet in my head i feel that low it's relentless atm

 

[Beautiful1973]

Your OK Paul, it’s going to be OK.

 

[harpoon]

Stay the road @harpoon.

It's not easy, but that's why it's so important.

Thank you

 

[TakeActionNow]

@harpoon
I read your challenges. Can I share some quick points for your thoughts please?

1. Jordan Peterson shares men are order (solid) and women are chaos (life). I agree.
I generally find women prefer a rigid and upright man, for structure and support, as opposed to the feminine fluidity. Discomfort ensues if the roles are reversed.

2. In porn, we are used to big and dramatic effects. It takes a long while of recovery to become sensitive and aware to the more subtle and gentle gestures of most women. Moreover with less stimulus, we also become more receptive and grateful of whatever little we do recieve.

3. It's very important to consider reboot a solo journey and not expect anything from anyone else. If they support, good. If they don't, doesn't matter. Focus on meeting your needs by yourself. Depend only on yourself.

4. In time, there will be less need for partners to support as we fill ourselves up slowly but surely with self love, esteem, confidence and trust.
As we become more self assured, we become more rigid and upright. Our partners will somehow recognize this and gradually be able to depend on us more. With dependence comes attraction and attention.

Who doesn't like a strong dependable and self assured person? They can be so attractive!

Thus, it is through reboot that relationships with self and with others regain balance:
1. Correct Male female roles
2. ability to appreciate more with less
3. A little goes a long way
4. Self sufficiency

Take good care of yourself!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

As for objects, and forgive me if I misunderstood, but I think I can relate. When I was deep into it, everything- and I mean almost everything- became 'pornified' for me. Cantalopes weren't just fruit, etc... It was so weird that paint patterns on a wall would look like porn scenes, as if someone purposely painted it there!

All this will clear up for you...

Hoping you feel better and better, you got this, Paul!

I know the feeling bro. It's sufocating at times.

 

[harpoon]

Your OK Paul, it’s going to be OK.

Thank you

@harpoon
I read your challenges. Can I share some quick points for your thoughts please?

1. Jordan Peterson shares men are order (solid) and women are chaos (life). I agree.
I generally find women prefer a rigid and upright man, for structure and support, as opposed to the feminine fluidity. Discomfort ensues if the roles are reversed.

2. In porn, we are used to big and dramatic effects. It takes a long while of recovery to become sensitive and aware to the more subtle and gentle gestures of most women. Moreover with less stimulus, we also become more receptive and grateful of whatever little we do recieve.

3. It's very important to consider reboot a solo journey and not expect anything from anyone else. If they support, good. If they don't, doesn't matter. Focus on meeting your needs by yourself. Depend only on yourself.

4. In time, there will be less need for partners to support as we fill ourselves up slowly but surely with self love, esteem, confidence and trust.
As we become more self assured, we become more rigid and upright. Our partners will somehow recognize this and gradually be able to depend on us more. With dependence comes attraction and attention.

Who doesn't like a strong dependable and self assured person? They can be so attractive!

Thus, it is through reboot that relationships with self and with others regain balance:
1. Correct Male female roles
2. ability to appreciate more with less
3. A little goes a long way
4. Self sufficiency

Take good care of yourself!

Thank you the solo journey really struck a chord with me. I had a realization the other day that that's how it is and should be. I've kept these withdrawals a secret as much as I've kept porn a secret.

 

[harpoon]

So let me tell you about me. I can run a 5k in 22mins, I can run a10k in 45mins, I'll run a marathon without training in under 4hrs. I'm learning to swim for the last six months and I can sea swim 100m/2mins. I can lift weights and bulk up in weeks. I climb ladders at work (100m) for fun. I have without doubt an inner strength and I can kick some balls. I went for a run earlier and felt unstoppable.

I rebooted for four months once and I'd walk into a pub and 3 or 4 women would check me out. The only time I would ever pick up women was when I was off porn.

I wont lie, I fn loved porn, and I will repeat I didn't care if I died as long as I got that high of edging for hours and finally climaxing.

However I very much want to live my life and be happy and while getting high is worth dying for, it's not worth living for.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

So let me tell you about me. I can run a 5k in 22mins, I can run a10k in 45mins, I'll run a marathon without training in under 4hrs. I'm learning to swim for the last six months and I can sea swim 100m/2mins. I can lift weights and bulk up in weeks. I climb ladders at work (100m) for fun. I have without doubt an inner strength and I can kick some balls. I went for a run earlier and felt unstoppable.

I rebooted for four months once and I'd walk into a pub and 3 or 4 women would check me out. The only time I would ever pick up women was when I was off porn.

I wont lie, I fn loved porn, and I will repeat I didn't care if I died as long as I got that high of edging for hours and finally climaxing.

However I very much want to live my life and be happy and while getting high is worth dying for, it's not worth living for.

I think most of us love the high we get from porn (especially edging as you've pointed it out). There is a duality, an interior struggle between I want my life vs I want porn. Porn drags you down to the bottom of the pit, you will never be a badass while binging fuckin PMO like me I think at the end of the day if keeping in mind the negatives won't do it for us, I don't know what could.

 

[harpoon]

I think most of us love the high we get from porn (especially edging as you've pointed it out). There is a duality, an interior struggle between I want my life vs I want porn. Porn drags you down to the bottom of the pit, you will never be a badass while binging fuckin PMO like me I think at the end of the day if keeping in mind the negatives won't do it for us, I don't know what could.

Thank you for reply @Escapeandnevercomeback. A few weeks ago I would of wished to have 20 days porn free, and if I can do anyone can, trust me