The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
- Thread starter harpoon
- Start date
I definitely journal more this reboot. It helps a lot. It keeps it real for me rather than just dissappearing and vanishing.
I have accepted two things lately - my Father passed away 5 months ago and a few weeks ago I accepted that fact and within a few days my stress levels dropped (I was dying on my feet tbh) and basically then leaving a hole in my heart for my Father ❤ I love him and miss him everyday but its OK now, unfortunately it's part of life.
The second - I accepted being a porn addict. It's part of me and has been part of my life for decades. I don't give much thought to the damage porn has caused, I just concentrate (most of the time) on the benefits. It is absolutely brilliant to wake up with a boner. I never do when I use porn, NEVER. It spurs me on knowing that something is changing.
Another thing I have noticed about my own writing is this, I generally dont write "I hope.." because rebooting is not based on hope, I have made the decision to try and quit. You have to be proactive and take on this son of a bitch. All you can do is give it your best shot.
Paul
I have accepted two things lately - my Father passed away 5 months ago and a few weeks ago I accepted that fact and within a few days my stress levels dropped (I was dying on my feet tbh) and basically then leaving a hole in my heart for my Father ❤ I love him and miss him everyday but its OK now, unfortunately it's part of life.
The second - I accepted being a porn addict. It's part of me and has been part of my life for decades. I don't give much thought to the damage porn has caused, I just concentrate (most of the time) on the benefits. It is absolutely brilliant to wake up with a boner. I never do when I use porn, NEVER. It spurs me on knowing that something is changing.
Another thing I have noticed about my own writing is this, I generally dont write "I hope.." because rebooting is not based on hope, I have made the decision to try and quit. You have to be proactive and take on this son of a bitch. All you can do is give it your best shot.
Paul
Beautiful1973
Active Member
I’m sure you know this but I have to remind my man of this, Porn Addiction is not your identity, there’s still a big part of you that is healthy, I think you are testament to this by all the cool activities you fill your life up with.
I love your posts Paul, I always look forward to reading them.
There was a time when I was falling in love with my gf - At the start of the relationship. She chased me for a month. After about two months of dating she seems very settled and she makes future plans and brings to me to her folks for dinner etc but it's not enough for me, I need someone to show affection, I just do, it makes me happy, she doesn't do that outside the bedroom and tbh it just hurts me that this is the way it is and it has damaged how I feel about her and leaves me feeling unwanted. Hmm unrequited love.
I'll be very honest here, i'm going through the motions with this relationship but I have started to withdraw and hopefully keep my reboot on track. I dont think she realises where I am in this relationship.
I mean, here's the problem, I'm looking for more, a connection, love. There is several reasons that drove me to porn and loneliness may have been one.
When my gf was chasing me, there was another woman whom I have been with on and off for a few years. We have a major connection, but I went with my present gf over her because it was just too messy to be with her.
I could phone her in the morning and plug that void thats in my life right now, but what would that achieve and the guilt would kill me.
Confused much
I'll be very honest here, i'm going through the motions with this relationship but I have started to withdraw and hopefully keep my reboot on track. I dont think she realises where I am in this relationship.
I mean, here's the problem, I'm looking for more, a connection, love. There is several reasons that drove me to porn and loneliness may have been one.
When my gf was chasing me, there was another woman whom I have been with on and off for a few years. We have a major connection, but I went with my present gf over her because it was just too messy to be with her.
I could phone her in the morning and plug that void thats in my life right now, but what would that achieve and the guilt would kill me.
Confused much
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Blondie
Respected Member
Hey @harpoon, sorry to hear about your relationship. At least it hasn't been going on for very long, so if you do decide to leave, it won't be utterly soul crushing. I understand about not wanting to rock the boat, so as not to head off to porn in a down moment, been there done that! It's a tough place to be in.
Is there any chance you could talk to her and communicate your needs? There's a good chance she just might not know what your needs are. Speaking for myself, this is something I had to learn over the years, assuming my partner would automatically know what my needs were never worked out for me. But that's just me, maybe there something else going on here.
Either way, just a thought. No matter what though, remember, tears of sadness and pain are always preferred than the tears and pain of whacking off by yourself looking at a lonely screen.
Keep fighting!
Best to you.
Is there any chance you could talk to her and communicate your needs? There's a good chance she just might not know what your needs are. Speaking for myself, this is something I had to learn over the years, assuming my partner would automatically know what my needs were never worked out for me. But that's just me, maybe there something else going on here.
Either way, just a thought. No matter what though, remember, tears of sadness and pain are always preferred than the tears and pain of whacking off by yourself looking at a lonely screen.
Keep fighting!
Best to you.
@Blondie I think she has presumed that I feel in the same way as her. All said and done she is quite serious, while i'm a bit of a messer.
I dunno, from my pov I think it's a mismatch.
What I have to acknowledge is that I do have underlying depression, and 100% I have try to deal with that through porn. I never felt bad while watching porn, seemed like a great fit.
But now without porn I can feel the depression, and seem to be more in tune with my feelings.
Rather than return to porn to ease these feelings I have opened the door and let the pain in.
Don't get me wrong sometimes I feel awesome, and sometimes I feel despair but at least there is feelings.. I have been numbed on meds before, for years, and I would sooner be like this tbh.
I know using porn would make me feel good for awhile, hell it would maybe be awesome for that while, but on the other side of that coin would be despair. So I won't.
With regards my gf. I understand that this is not her problem and my shit is overlapping and probably manifesting itself as being insecure, and feeling unwanted. I can see that. I am damaged. I have to be. 25 years of porn, c'mon...i'm no fool, I can see two-weeks off porn is not going to fix me.
She wants to go away with me for a week, to do the things she loves with me, so obviously she cares and I am some dope
Anyway, all I know is that I must be kind to myself right now. I know things will improve, and those moments when I truly at peace are so worth this.
Ps I did a parkrun yesterday and finished 0007 - Boned, James Boned (Dumb & Dumber 2)
But now without porn I can feel the depression, and seem to be more in tune with my feelings.
Rather than return to porn to ease these feelings I have opened the door and let the pain in.
Don't get me wrong sometimes I feel awesome, and sometimes I feel despair but at least there is feelings.. I have been numbed on meds before, for years, and I would sooner be like this tbh.
I know using porn would make me feel good for awhile, hell it would maybe be awesome for that while, but on the other side of that coin would be despair. So I won't.
With regards my gf. I understand that this is not her problem and my shit is overlapping and probably manifesting itself as being insecure, and feeling unwanted. I can see that. I am damaged. I have to be. 25 years of porn, c'mon...i'm no fool, I can see two-weeks off porn is not going to fix me.
She wants to go away with me for a week, to do the things she loves with me, so obviously she cares and I am some dope
Anyway, all I know is that I must be kind to myself right now. I know things will improve, and those moments when I truly at peace are so worth this.
Ps I did a parkrun yesterday and finished 0007 - Boned, James Boned (Dumb & Dumber 2)
Beautiful1973
Active Member
Hi Paul,
A couple of times over the last few weeks I have noticed that you mentioned that sexually things are good with your GF but that you need more affection out side the bedroom. I wondered if you could speak to that a bit more......what is it you need? Where's the disconnect between the sex - intimacy - affection?
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@Beautiful1973 the disconnect I guess is with me. Porn withdrawal is a very lonely place. I connect with her in the bedroom, and I associate that with being wanted.
Then a day to day relationship is tough for me. Porn addiction has left me feeling worthless and inadequate.
I know most, if not all of what I'm feeling are to do with porn withdrawal.
This is the longest in years that I have went without pmo or mo (however once the gf gets over covid, she can be my guest and fire at will 
) All joking aside, it has taken a big effort, and I have had to dig deep on two occasions.
What I can say now is that I can be on my own for at least a few hours, and I won't take the opportunity to hop online etc
But last night I went to the cinema with a buddy (to see Hallowern Kills, I fn loved it!) but I was conscious of the fact that I had more to say and was laughing and joking more, I think it was the fact that I wasn't anxious (porn really gives this social anxiety thing
) and i'm happier in my own skin atm 
I know I'm not cured, and never will be, it's something that I have accepted and accepting that fact has somehow made the fight a little easier. I just have to do the best I can today and that's all. The thoughts of loosing what I have achieved so far does spur me on so much.
The stuff with my gf ultimately is playing out in my head when I feel down. She is actually really nice and tbh I think when I loose the connection with myself, I loose the connection with everyone, and i'm on my own in those hours.
i find there is highs for hours, I'll feel great and then my mood plummets and depression. The only thing is, it always lifts and I will feel good eventually. Its the shaky ground inbetween that is the problem.
For those keeping note, I had a boner for 2hrs this morning
the gf won't know what hit her when she's covid free i'll try to do something with it
) All joking aside, it has taken a big effort, and I have had to dig deep on two occasions.What I can say now is that I can be on my own for at least a few hours, and I won't take the opportunity to hop online etc
But last night I went to the cinema with a buddy (to see Hallowern Kills, I fn loved it!) but I was conscious of the fact that I had more to say and was laughing and joking more, I think it was the fact that I wasn't anxious (porn really gives this social anxiety thing
) and i'm happier in my own skin atm I know I'm not cured, and never will be, it's something that I have accepted and accepting that fact has somehow made the fight a little easier. I just have to do the best I can today and that's all. The thoughts of loosing what I have achieved so far does spur me on so much.
The stuff with my gf ultimately is playing out in my head when I feel down. She is actually really nice and tbh I think when I loose the connection with myself, I loose the connection with everyone, and i'm on my own in those hours.
i find there is highs for hours, I'll feel great and then my mood plummets and depression. The only thing is, it always lifts and I will feel good eventually. Its the shaky ground inbetween that is the problem.
For those keeping note, I had a boner for 2hrs this morning
the gf won't know what hit her when she's covid free i'll try to do something with it
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Beautiful1973
Active Member
I hope you managed to burn off some steam on your run!
This is gorgeous Paul, I think the social anxiety and demise of intimacy is the most destructive part of porn consumption.But last night I went to the cinema with a buddy (to see Hallowern Kills, I fn loved it!) but I was conscious of the fact that I had more to say and was laughing and joking more, I think it was the fact that I wasn't anxious (porn really gives this social anxiety thing
I would encourage your to work on your emotional connection and intimacy with 'self', I think it would really benefit you and your relationship.
This gave me a giggle, who wouldn't be proud of that.....LOLFor those keeping note, I had a boner for 2hrs this morning
Today porn is kicking my ass... and unfortunately for porn I will not give in. Its hard to describe how it feels, I guess we all know, but I can resist now and that is a new uncomfortable for me. I new the urge would come eventually, I make this three massive moments.
I have to go for a walk as tbh I feel vulnerable and a few tunes will help a lot.
Thanks for the lovely replies @Beautiful1973
Porn, I will see you in hell.
I have to go for a walk as tbh I feel vulnerable and a few tunes will help a lot.
Thanks for the lovely replies @Beautiful1973
Porn, I will see you in hell.
Great job, harpoon, giving porn the middle finger! Definitely one thing you're learning here is that urges will subside, like a law of gravity. They may seem like 'life-or-death' in the moment, but they'll NEVER kill you, nor can they take your hands and force you to open a browser. All you need do on your part is, neither fighting them nor feeding them, is to breathe through until they pass (and they will).
Good distracting tactics, too!
Good distracting tactics, too!
So just a thought - my gf has been through a lot in her live. The father of her daughter is a heroin addict, and left her to raise a child on her own. She herself had a drug and alcohol problem. She gave all that up and is sober, she worked a job and went to college, while raising her child, and buying a house, I respect her so much for that.
But it has hardened her. I know that sounds bad but she is quite serious at times. She's tough, she had to be and I get that but I'm not that serious (apart from when I'm feeling like crap) so its just tough tbh I do like her, and I do try a lot but y'know I can't try forever.
My brother knew her before me and I asked him - "is she really serious or is it just me?" He said, it's quite obvious she serious she has been through a lot.
I'm more kissy and flirty and just like to show my affection. At times she seems quite cold. I read something about physical touch love langusge and it said it can be devastating to someone whose love language is physical touch and their partner doesn't show some affection, you end up feeling alone.
If its always going to be like this it just won't work for me.
But it has hardened her. I know that sounds bad but she is quite serious at times. She's tough, she had to be and I get that but I'm not that serious (apart from when I'm feeling like crap) so its just tough tbh I do like her, and I do try a lot but y'know I can't try forever.
My brother knew her before me and I asked him - "is she really serious or is it just me?" He said, it's quite obvious she serious she has been through a lot.
I'm more kissy and flirty and just like to show my affection. At times she seems quite cold. I read something about physical touch love langusge and it said it can be devastating to someone whose love language is physical touch and their partner doesn't show some affection, you end up feeling alone.
If its always going to be like this it just won't work for me.
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@Beautiful1973 I have to say I'm intrigued with the whole love language thing I've been reading your journal and it was interesting about your mother.
When I look at myself in a relationship its physical touch stuff, but with my parents and siblings and friends I will do anything to help anyone and have never asked anything in return. Its just the way I am and have never thought about that.
But it's kinda cool.
I've been reading your journal and it was interesting about your mother.When I look at myself in a relationship its physical touch stuff, but with my parents and siblings and friends I will do anything to help anyone and have never asked anything in return. Its just the way I am and have never thought about that.
But it's kinda cool.
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Beautiful1973
Active Member
Also have a look at attachment styles Paul, this can play a major factor in relationships dynamics too!
When I read your journal I wonder if you are looking for someone more playful?!?
When I read your journal I wonder if you are looking for someone more playful?!?
@Beautiful1973 thank you for the replies
like my Father uee to say to me "...you don't know what you want!" I use to get annoyed when he said that, then one day he said it and I turned to him and said "you know what? You're right! I don't" and we both laughed Atm with porn withdrawal and brutal cravings for the last two days, honestly it is hard to see past the end of my nose. A lot of thought and energy goes in to fighting this.. I want to be a better version of me. Lots of things have improved already - morning wood I have great sign, less frequent urination, less social anxiety, more energy, lots of things.