The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[harpoon]

So I have made a week pmo so happy!

The major difference is I want to be free, rather than thinking i want to be free.

I know the battle is only beginning and sometimes it can be unnerving but there was only really that big moment yesterday when I thought this is it, fail, buy i walked away and it is OK.

I truly never want to watch porn again, I want to live my life and see what happens (nothing happens for me while on porn, well nothing good anyway.)

So here are some benefits -
- mood is more stable 5/10
- erection every morning (never while using porn)
- sleep is OK if I don't overdue the caffeine (tough not to do while mood is low)

And finally - The cat that gets the cream just gets fat and lazy.

 

[Phineas 808]

Glad for you, Harpoon! Attitude is everything, right? Winning the war in our mind before we win it on the battlefield is so important.

Believing in you, brother!

 

[harpoon]

Thank you Phineas 808

I am 8 days clean, free and ready to kick some ass in fact yesterday I ran a marathon on my own to prove a point yo my gf that without training I could run a 3h 45min marathon and I did it in 3h 44min (now i do run 10ks so I can run,) but I knew I had a secret weapon to be fair, no porn for 7 days I could feel the energy I my vains!!!! It was awesome.

There have been loads of positives over the last 8 days. I'm more comfortable in my skin, happier at times, more social, more caring, more morning wood, just more me. I don't feel like a fraud and a shitty human being anymore.

What's the downside, well is there any? Well headaches, and crap sleep and sometimes wondering why the fuck am I not watching porn.

Ultimately I don't want to be the boyfriend that secretly watches porn. I want a real life and a real relationship and that's where I am at. I won't lie, sometimes it tough for me, I'm used to being alone, so i'm trying to let go of porn and build a relationship at the same time, it's tough but it's good too.

 

[searching4good]

@harpoon this is freaking incredible to see. Holy heck - running a marathon is some deal!!!

P has suppressed our true selves and potential for so long - there is so much within us to unlock when we're clean. Keep embracing the light and hold onto these feelings if and when you do get tempted... It is NEVER worth it.

Can't wait to see where the path takes us both!

 

[harpoon]

Thank you searching4good

I like and agree - "P has suppressed our true selves and potential for so long - there is so much within us to unlock when we're clean."

I do for the most part feel like a new man, a vulnerable man, but a man. I somewhat understand the reboot process and I know the dip in ibido is normal, and it may even help tbh I'm not fighting urges always.

I can't think of tomorrow atm I think of today, of this afternoon, trying to keep busy and be ok with this. For the most part I am now ok to be on my own, at least for a few hours which is something that couldn't happen before.

The major change that happened was that I starting going out with someone that is sober, 12 years and I thought I'm a fn mess, I'd love to be sober.

I forgot how good it can feel to be a week free from porn. Its tough, but it is good. Everytime I fapped myself to a shit nights sleep I felt distraught and despair, waking up to say "never again," and then at night "just one more time" (to infinity and beyond eh)

I did on several occasions think while orgasming that I would die for this feeling. I didn't care anymore.

But I have shown over the last week that I can fight and I'm ok with this atm

Paul

 

[harpoon]

Thank you searching4good

I like and agree - "P has suppressed our true selves and potential for so long - there is so much within us to unlock when we're clean."

I do for the most part feel like a new man, a vulnerable man, but a man. I somewhat understand the reboot process and I know the dip in ibido is normal, and it may even help tbh I'm not fighting urges always.

I can't think of tomorrow atm I think of today, of this afternoon, trying to keep busy and be ok with this. For the most part I am now ok to be on my own, at least for a few hours which is something that couldn't happen before.

The major change that happened was that I starting going out with someone that is sober, 12 years and I thought I'm a fn mess, I'd love to be sober.

I forgot how good it can feel to be a week free from porn. Its tough, but it is good. Everything fapped myself to a shit nights sleep I felt distraught and despair, waking up to say "never again," and then at night "just one more time" (to infinity and beyond eh)

I did on several occasions think while orgasming that I would die for this feeling. I didn't care anymore.

But I have shown over the last week that I can fight and I'm ok with this atm

 

[Phineas 808]

Awesome headspace, Harpoon! I like also how you say basically, that you're not thinking about tomorrow but only today- and "...atm"- because that's all we have.

 

[GBS]

Hi @harpoon - just chipping in to say keep going. You inspire us as you deal with this on a daily basis. The future is SO bright but just look after the now.

 

[harpoon]

I won't bullshit about today I'll just let you guys know how I feel-

I feel like shit. Really down and feel worthless. Yesterday I felt great.

I'm going out with someone for nearly 3 months. She was tailing me for a month before we began this thing (my Dad had just died and I didn't want a relationship tbh I knew it was the wrong time for me and would just cause stress, and it has, and I fucked up letting her in.)

17 years fucked up on porn, how can i have a "normal" relationship? I'm grieving for my Dad, readjusting to life, trying to be upbeat for her and trying to quit porn (its all a little too much tbh.)


I don't know what she wants from me at this stage, it seems to be that i'm to do all these things she wants to do and sit there like a fn lemon. At the start she listened to me and we laughed and joked, but now it's like she just wants someone there, or has settled into a groove.

All she had to do was show some interest in me, and I guess she does but i'm not happy when i'm away from her and when I'm with her I'm now like why the fuck I'm there. I know my logic is messed up with porn withdrawal so I'll stay and see what happens but this isn't my idea of being in love.

I won't lie I feel vulnerable, i don't want to be hurt. My sister thinks I'm afraid of commitment. Maybe she's right.

I seemed to be happier when I was with her one night and watched porn the next night. The dream. Yes, because I am a porn addict, a massive one, and 25+ years wasn't going to be cured in 9 days.

Real life is different. I could hide in porn. I dunno anymore, I'll keep going but today will be tough I'm sure.

 

[Beautiful1973]

@ Harpoon, you are doing great, and it's good to recognise that you have a lot going on at the moment

I seemed to be happier when I was with her one night and watched porn the next night. The dream.

This also played a major factor in my relationship, especially in the beginning. My man would come and stay at my place at the weekend, we would have a wonderful time, but by Sunday night I felt like he wanted to get away from me and at that time I didn't know he was struggling with his porn consumption. The issue was that over time, it drove a wedge between us, the minute he was away from me (consuming porn), he would become distant and cold, and this would make me anxious and want to reach for him and he would become avoidant as he felt guilty and ashamed about what he was doing, the way he was treating me and we created this unhealthy dynamic in our relationship (2 1/2 years)!

I don't know what she wants from me at this stage, it seems to be that i'm to do all these things she wants to do and sit there like a fn lemon. At the start she listened to me and we laughed and joked, but now it's like she just wants someone there, or has settled into a groove.

Can you speak a bit more about what this looks like in your relationship and how it has changed over the last 3 months?

Are you in Therapy or seeing a Counsellor?

I'm here to help, if I can. x

 

[Nico]

Hi, just want to say I can relate to the downers, feeling not good enough, the confusion, and wondering if it is all worth it. I was reading about how recovery is often about acceptance and learning to be with difficult feelings and thoughts. We have to feel the feelings for them to pass, release them, and actually they aren't so bad we have to fuck our lives up to escape them. It will pass, it is like weather; sometimes we bask in the sun and sometimes we have to just battle through storms. This is not easy, and the addict in us can suck us back into it in so many devious ways. When its hard like this we have to focus on the why, why we want to change, who we want to become - I find this is like a shield against the waves of temptation, denial, and all the reasons why we may as well just act out. Just for today...

 

[harpoon]

Can you speak a bit more about what this looks like in your relationship and how it has changed over the last 3 months?

Are you in Therapy or seeing a Counsellor?

I'm here to help, if I can. x

Ok so the problem really is me. She is lovely and is planning a trip away as I write this I struggle in the relationship atm low mood, low libido, low self esteem etc

The relationship is great if I am present and unfortunately I'm very up and down atm. Sometimes it feels like I have landed on the moon with a bunch of aliens.

I'll be honest, the last time I was in a relationship was when I was 28, and I'm 44 now. I think I am emotionally I'm stuck at 28. I haven't progressed, so an adult relationship is something I have to work at.
I feel vulnerable and insecure at present, it makes me want to run and hide.

But don't get me wrong, we have fun, we go away together, stay together, have fun in the bedroom and always say goodnight on the phone if we're not together.

But withdrawal is tough, one minute you can feel absolutely worthless and the next minute you feel unstoppable and can take on the world.

 

[harpoon]

Besides withdrawals and emotions, what is it like to be 8 days off porn.

I feel like I have just landed on planet earth (ever watch Starman with Jeff Bridges?) and everything is new. I remember old guitar riffs. Things smell different, I even notice my breathing. I get more done, I have more energy. My pupils are dilated more. My stomach isn't bloated. I have an appetite again. I'm not drinking five cups of coffee a day to try and feel normal.

But the other side is that I long for porn. I'd love to dive in and see you all later. I'd go down that down rabbit hole and I might be back I'm the new year.

I used to have horrible sexual ocd thoughts around ppl, and even about objects, ridiculous but its true, but for the most part they had dramatically decline.

I was at a bar last night (alcohol free for me atm por favor) but a guy was smashed and he fell on the floor and struggled to get up. My friend helped him to his feet. But I just thought to myself at least getting pissed in public is honest - hey look I'm fn hammered - unlike myself a porn addict that can hide in the shadows and fap my life away.

Sure I would love that fn high right now, but I can't and I won't and as uncomfortable as it is I know that this is the only way forward.

 

[harpoon]

Day 10.

I won't lie this is not nice. Its like there is a disconnect between my brain and my penis, nothing, I know and I had forgot the phrase flatline.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Hey @harpoon , sorry I meant to post yesterday.

Just be kind & gentle with yourself Paul.....don't put too much pressure on yourself to 'perform', whether that's sexually or in life in general.

I read your reply to my questions and your lady sounds like an absolute gem, hold on to that with both hands fella. You deserve it, you are worthy.

But don't get me wrong, we have fun, we go away together, stay together, have fun in the bedroom and always say goodnight on the phone if we're not together.

Make sure you keep up the emotional connection, while your mojo takes a holiday......this is where I really noticed the disconnect with my man.

I remember old guitar riffs. Things smell different, I even notice my breathing. I get more done, I have more energy. My pupils are dilated more. My stomach isn't bloated. I have an appetite again. I'm not drinking five cups of coffee a day to try and feel normal.

This is all great stuff, focus on the positives in your life and relationship.

Sure I would love that fn high right now, but I can't and I won't and as uncomfortable as it is I know that this is the only way forward.

You know that's your brain wanting to soothe the discomfort of the flatline......just like coming off Heroine!

You're doing great, keep fighting for you, the life you want and for love.

 

[Phineas 808]

I used to have horrible sexual ocd thoughts around ppl, and even about objects, ridiculous but its true...

As for objects, and forgive me if I misunderstood, but I think I can relate. When I was deep into it, everything- and I mean almost everything- became 'pornified' for me. Cantalopes weren't just fruit, etc... It was so weird that paint patterns on a wall would look like porn scenes, as if someone purposely painted it there!

All this will clear up for you...

Hoping you feel better and better, you got this, Paul!

 

[harpoon]

Thanks for the replies, it has helped me immensely right now i'm off for a run right now as I feel very vulnerable to relapse.

Beautiful1973 you are right, she is a gem. She has been through so much in her own life and has overcame every obstacle and still has the best smile I have ever seen (after shes had her coffee )

Nico, yep objects being sexualised. Being Irish I have no idea what the hell a cantalope is I guessing the melon family

 

[harpoon]

Maybe this is a stupid question but I'm going to ask it anyway. I have watched porn for 20+years, possible edging 3hrs per night 6 night per week, I have a massive fn problem don't I?

 

[Beautiful1973]

Maybe this is a stupid question but I'm going to ask it anyway. I have watched porn for 20+years, possible edging 3hrs per night 6 night per week, I have a massive fn problem don't I?

Try not to think about the ‘problem’, focus on solutions, change, what you want you life to be.
And on a funny note, hell you have an extra 18 hours in the week now to do other cool stuff

 

[Phineas 808]

...a cantalope is I guessing the melon family

Yes, the melon family, lol...!