The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Believe me if I had of known that porn was so addictive and devastating I would have stayed away when I was a teenager.

So where am I now with this? Rock fn bottom just trying to stay alive, that's being brutally honest. Here's the problem...I met a woman, and I like her. I like her because she's nice, kind and has a great smile that makes my day. We have (i think) a powerful connection in the bedroom, we haven't had sex but we do other stuff and always have orgasms together. I've met her parents and she talks about things we can do in the future. She is different at least in my eyes.

My Dad passed away just before we met and my mood plummeted and while I stayed clean for a week or so I returned to porn to ease the hurt. During this relapse I stumbled upon onlyfans and welcome to the next level of addiction. For the first time in my life I started to pay for video calls and custom vids. Oh my, living the dream.

I'd stay with my girlfriend one night and the next night she was working i'd be at home on my phone on onlyfans paying for calls. After two months of this I have become an absolute shell of a man. The pain is relentless.

The last week I have tried to quit, I finally want to quit, but while it should be for me, in an indirect way giving up for her is giving up for me

She is so nice, I may even be in love.
 

Nico

Active Member
Go for it! It would be a real shame to sabotage the love, you deserve it. It seems you have two paths in front of you, one where you focus on her and what sounds like a beautiful connection, and another where you sink back into PMO, which will ruin that connection and cause you more pain. Just for today, lets both choose freedom and happiness :)
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Go for it! It would be a real shame to sabotage the love, you deserve it. It seems you have two paths in front of you, one where you focus on her and what sounds like a beautiful connection, and another where you sink back into PMO, which will ruin that connection and cause you more pain. Just for today, lets both choose freedom and happiness :)
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Well I guess I'm on day 3, and that is something. One day at a time is my new approach. One day, one moment, whatever gets me through.

If i had one wish it would be to be porn free so I can choose thet path. Its up to me.

I dont want to put too much emphasis on my girlfriends impact on my life, but I hadn't felt a connection like that ever before tbh i don't know how to describe it. And as corny as it sounds i want to be the best I can be for her. The reality is i would sooner lie in bed kissing her than masturbating into a screen.

Soo that being said, let's give this another proper go.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
It would be so easy to watch porn now, to edge for hours to feel free from this pain just for a little while. But I'm so conflicted about it all, I don't want that life, I want to live and no matter what any1 says about porn, its so addictive and causes so much damage to our minds and bodies.

I've read the articles too :) porn doesn't effect testosterone, porn doesn't have any I'll effects but it does.

I mean it's fine, pmo, choose whatever you like, bouncing around from one girl to another, the thrill is great and always has been, I love porn, I didn't care if I died as long as I could have my porn. But what I've realised is that porn doesn't love me. Porn just takes and takes and takes.

Really what did it for me was meeting someone whom had overcome alcohol addiction and was such a nice happy person. The more I got to know her the more I wanted this addiction gone, I started to feel like a fraud, but genuinely when I kiss her and she smiles I feel something much better and rewarding than porn.

Will I be better off porn? Yes of course 100% but the time in between of feeling like shit is the problem. I always expect miracles, I mean 4 days off porn atm my body hasn't even begun to withdrawal.

All I can do is today, that's all, and really all we have is today, tomorrow isn't guaranteed.

So one day at a time ;)
 

Nico

Active Member
You are doing great! Running from pain never heals it. I find that if i can let myself feel it and release some of it then it actually isn't so bad. It will pass, and you have love, someone there who probably understands addiction and recovery?
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Go for it! It would be a real shame to sabotage the love, you deserve it. It seems you have two paths in front of you, one where you focus on her and what sounds like a beautiful connection, and another where you sink back into PMO, which will ruin that connection and cause you more pain. Just for today, lets both choose freedom and happiness :)
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I've been around the forum for years, even back in 2014-19 with an earlier account, and I've seen your journey on and off. We didn't interact much, but I just want to wish you well on your journey.

Your 'why' is so inspiring. I know it's not easy, but you can do it! Do it, as you know, first for yourself- but man, I wish you all the best with that girl in your life.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
I guess its funny, I mean 4 days porn free and I want the world. I want happiness, I want freedom, I want everything now. But u can't undo damage I 4 days and this will be a long process.

***triggers***
Using porn i knew the emotions I would have throughout the day, and how to act, now I feel very low and lost.

I'm trying to be easy on myself, I am grieveing for my Father, and I depressed because of that stress but I'm also off pirn which has added more stress to the pile so I was never be going to be skippy around the place was I.

I mean , I know my Dad would want me to be clean and move on and be happy but unfortunately that's easier said that done.

As a porn addict I find life very boring tbh when using porn I could look forward to a porn session and that seemed to be enough now without porn what is there? movie time? Go for a walk? Go for a run? Read a book?! You get the picture, I'm just being honest.

Normally in this moment i would go to a website and look up some pov porn and pmo, then maybe go for a nap. Class act.

I dont know how to cope really. I have masturbated daily since i was 13, and watched porn for 20+ years so this is a big undertaking.

The reality is this, my brain, my eyes, my hands, my cock. Simple. I do not have to watch porn ever again. That's a fact. I run the Dublin marathon at the end of this month, and if I do that clean I'll be a different man I guarantee you that.

One decision I have made is no more alcohol. I have basically cut down to a few bottles a week but those few bottles seem to throw me off now. So it's no big deal and might give me a little help.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
So last night the stress was unbearable. I went to see my gf and we went for a walk. I said very little and just felt empty. When we got back to her place i gave her a kiss on the lips, then a second, then as I pulled away she gave me a third kiss looking in to my eyes. I realised then she cared for me (I know this all sounds a little goofy,) and I want to be with her.

Thankfully that stress has lifted and i feel OK. I do have flashbacks of porn images, and I can feel my libido plummeted but I know its all part of this.

Obviously I have won no war, maybe a little battle, but all I can do is today and that's all there is to it.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
I had a good day today :) I kept busy and that was the key. I was alone for a few hours and I was ok.
But I'm no fool and I know this isn't easy and i can't let my guard down, but you know what, the most important thing in the world that I have to do is to stay clean and wake up tomorrow with another day under my belt. That's all. I have to put myself first.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
So I am still porn free :) it's nice to sleep a little better and to not wake up feeling like death.

I woke with morning wood :) this doesn't happen while using porn, it doesn't. In fairness it was cool to see some sort of benefit .

I have a slight ache in my head, a kind of numb headache but its OK. I don't feel that impending doom emotion so it's OK too.

All I know that there is a better way to live, there really is. But i'll say it again, the journey has yet to begin, I know I'm vulnerable and to some extent will always be buy I'll just try to be sober today.

Paul ;)
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
***triggers***
What I have noticed is this: my brain somehow seems to think I never had a porn addiction and that it'd be OK to look once, and pmo. Why not!!!

But I have to tell myself, that it's a lie, that life is better without porn. The porn path is misery. Walk away and never look back.

There will always be a better ass, a fitter body, a dirtier look, a new porn actress, a new fantasy. it. is. endless. It's fn endless.

I have fapped to most things, for hours, over weeks, for 20+ years. Alll wasted time? perhaps not but possibly yes.

The only difference now is that I truly want to be free from porn, before I just thought I did.

The positive from today was that I genuinely laughed and felt good at one point.

Anyway another day clean 😁
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Still porn free this morning :) as crap as I feel, it feels good to say 6 days free :)

Now I did feel absolutely awesome last night I won't lie. It lasted about 2 hours. I felt so content and happy. I listened to songs on my ipod for 2hrs until 2am. Maybe I should have tried to go asleep but I haven't felt that good in years (always while rebooting too) I literally thought I could take on the world!

But another benefit I've noticed is that I no longer wake at night sweating, and i"m talking waking up in pool of sweat. It's great ;)

Bit I need to stay present and real too and not get carried away. Just before I started this run, one of the last things I did was ring the samaritans (I felt I had no one in the world I could talk too) I was broke and I had my head in my hands crying about this. I remember talking to her about porn addiction and saying that it had destroyed me as a man, she said "that was a big statement" I said "yes, but it's true."


So while I'm delighted that I can say I'm another day clean, I know it's day by day and I have to be ready to just walk out that door when I need to.

Paul
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
I just had a massive moment, my whole body told me to look at porn, in fact what triggered it was that I opened a drawer and saw one of those 3D devices u put ur phone in and put up yo ur face.
 
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