BigChanges66
Member
Being vulnerable is another form of being real to yourself. Something that can be greatly beneficial ... likely essential ... to recovery.
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
- Thread starter harpoon
- Start date
Thank you
I realised early on in my reboot that I was vulnerable and that's what I was protecting maybe (well at least one part of this melody) but if you allow yourself to feel vulnerable porn kinda losses some of its hold over you.I'm gonna keep journalling on here as much as I need to, it helps me so much. If you guys & gals can take anything from my thoughts then we all win.
So two thoughts rattling around in my brain.
The first - I met my friend last week and I said "you're the only one that asked me a question about porn addiction, after I said you can ask me anything?" She asked me another question. She said "was I able to have sex with my exgirlfriend without thinking about porn?" I said "No. I needed to think about porn to climax.) How horrible and how fn sad.
With my friend, there is a connection, well an attraction and I can get aroused from hugging her (we have a massive energy between us) which i have never felt with anyone else.
We basically wanna fuck each other and be around each other. Sorry that sounds crude but I know thats the way it is. She wants me, and that feeling my friends can be a showstopper.
I did say to her that one day I will have to walk away because she can't keep her emotions in check, and I can't be caught, I think we both knew what I meant.
The second topic I guess is edging....I watched a Trish Leigh video about edging. Well unfortunately I edged, edged for hours numbing my brain
there's a video on YouTube.
So that's where I am today, fn miserable but i still persist and that does make me smile a little.
I'm not woe is me either, I will fight to the end, which is always bitter right.
So two thoughts rattling around in my brain.
The first - I met my friend last week and I said "you're the only one that asked me a question about porn addiction, after I said you can ask me anything?" She asked me another question. She said "was I able to have sex with my exgirlfriend without thinking about porn?" I said "No. I needed to think about porn to climax.) How horrible and how fn sad.
With my friend, there is a connection, well an attraction and I can get aroused from hugging her (we have a massive energy between us) which i have never felt with anyone else.
We basically wanna fuck each other and be around each other. Sorry that sounds crude but I know thats the way it is. She wants me, and that feeling my friends can be a showstopper.
I did say to her that one day I will have to walk away because she can't keep her emotions in check, and I can't be caught, I think we both knew what I meant.
The second topic I guess is edging....I watched a Trish Leigh video about edging. Well unfortunately I edged, edged for hours numbing my brain
there's a video on YouTube.So that's where I am today, fn miserable but i still persist and that does make me smile a little.
I'm not woe is me either, I will fight to the end, which is always bitter right.
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searching4good
Active Member
I had a massive argument with my brother this morning. Essentially his marriage failed, he moved back home to us bringing his three kids and my Father picked up covid from one of kids and my Father died a horrible death, because my brother, even after his kids tested positive for covid didn't leave my Dads house. And I think that is unforgivable.
So my Dad passed six months ago and the family is in turmoil.
My brother is a great manager (I've worked for him for seven years) but outside of work he is a disaster. I remember him as a child, he was always greedy, and that never changed.
Anyway he riled up on me and he must of known I would come out firing because I did. Long story short, I'll never work for him again and I don't care if we never talk.
What I have learned is that everyone thinks everyone else is the problem. No one will accept responsibility, or at least very few ppl, will accept responsible for their situation. Its easy to blame someone else I guess. Blah blah blah is all I hear.
At the start I felt sorry for my brother but he is a user of my mother and my father is gone because of him so while I wish him the best, I just don't care anymore.
But I've crawled through hell to be here today. So what, I had too, i put myself where I was, I accepted that and tbh once I accepted I had to do this for me, well it became my mission.
But it's like this, nobody has to deal with your problems only you.
So my Dad passed six months ago and the family is in turmoil.
My brother is a great manager (I've worked for him for seven years) but outside of work he is a disaster. I remember him as a child, he was always greedy, and that never changed.
Anyway he riled up on me and he must of known I would come out firing because I did. Long story short, I'll never work for him again and I don't care if we never talk.
What I have learned is that everyone thinks everyone else is the problem. No one will accept responsibility, or at least very few ppl, will accept responsible for their situation. Its easy to blame someone else I guess. Blah blah blah is all I hear.
At the start I felt sorry for my brother but he is a user of my mother and my father is gone because of him so while I wish him the best, I just don't care anymore.
But I've crawled through hell to be here today. So what, I had too, i put myself where I was, I accepted that and tbh once I accepted I had to do this for me, well it became my mission.
But it's like this, nobody has to deal with your problems only you.
So my mood is stable i would say, a little flat maybe but with everything that's going on thats ok.
Over the last few days i have done some reflecting. One issue I have is my friend. I looked at the reasons why i wanted to meet up - to get off with her "my way, your way, anything goes tonight!" Simple as that. But it's not right, she is another mans family and another mans dreams. If I have anything left about me its that I won't tear apart another mans world. Shawn Michaels has left the building.
I've reflected on my mood. I've come to the conclusion that I'm dealing with a lot of grief and it's affecting my mood greatly and I have to be easier with myself going forward. Its ok to feel down and exhausted, I'm not superman.
So let it go x2
Over the last few days i have done some reflecting. One issue I have is my friend. I looked at the reasons why i wanted to meet up - to get off with her "my way, your way, anything goes tonight!" Simple as that. But it's not right, she is another mans family and another mans dreams. If I have anything left about me its that I won't tear apart another mans world. Shawn Michaels has left the building.
I've reflected on my mood. I've come to the conclusion that I'm dealing with a lot of grief and it's affecting my mood greatly and I have to be easier with myself going forward. Its ok to feel down and exhausted, I'm not superman.
So let it go x2
Jlied
Active Member
I love this, even though that man will probably never know the extent of what has gone on between you and his wife he will appreciate knowing that if his life gets flipped upside down it would be by his wife’s doing and not because she was tempted by another man. I’m sure this is terribly difficult but just like everything else you’ve been doing, you’re discovering more and more about yourself and making the hard choices. I wish I had your resolve!
I dont want to be stuck in this loop forever, it has been the most soul shattering experience of my life.
I put in perspective my porn habit: 1 - 4 hours per night for 20+ years.
Withdrawals? Well at the start I had morning elections quite a few times per week and while i felt up and down I still had plenty of motivation an drive. I was clocking up the days. I ran the Dublin Marathon on day 30, took 22mins off my previous best and felt like a king.
November was ok, I ran a half marathon new pb, was getting better at swimming, was getting good on the bike. I was meeting ppl, laughing, joking and things looked ok.
The closer it got to Christmas, I started to think about life, my Dad and everything snowballed out of controlled. Stress, depression, flatline I guess, dead dick, no motivation and my whole been existed on drive and motivation tbh so once that's gone I'm pretty empty.
I told myself that I would rest up from training thinking that would make a difference, but no.
I say I'm in a flatline because I have noticed that when I i don't have morning wood, my mood is always really low. I have put those two together.
I have to say I'm concerned that the motivation and drive is gone, without that I will struggle, that I know.
Life atm seems very lonely. I have a great family and great friends but I've given 20+ years of my life to my porn relationship and thats a big chunk of time.
Unfortunately I feel lost with all this now
I put in perspective my porn habit: 1 - 4 hours per night for 20+ years.
Withdrawals? Well at the start I had morning elections quite a few times per week and while i felt up and down I still had plenty of motivation an drive. I was clocking up the days. I ran the Dublin Marathon on day 30, took 22mins off my previous best and felt like a king.
November was ok, I ran a half marathon new pb, was getting better at swimming, was getting good on the bike. I was meeting ppl, laughing, joking and things looked ok.
The closer it got to Christmas, I started to think about life, my Dad and everything snowballed out of controlled. Stress, depression, flatline I guess, dead dick, no motivation and my whole been existed on drive and motivation tbh so once that's gone I'm pretty empty.
I told myself that I would rest up from training thinking that would make a difference, but no.
I say I'm in a flatline because I have noticed that when I i don't have morning wood, my mood is always really low. I have put those two together.
I have to say I'm concerned that the motivation and drive is gone, without that I will struggle, that I know.
Life atm seems very lonely. I have a great family and great friends but I've given 20+ years of my life to my porn relationship and thats a big chunk of time.
Unfortunately I feel lost with all this now
I imagine being in a train tunnel, 100meters from the entrance. There is light to the right, and darkness to the left, and i'm crouched down trying to make a decision which way to go. Eventually i reason why would anyone walk to the dark?
You can leave whenever you want.
You can leave whenever you want.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Sometimes we need the darkness so we can see the light. But stay in the darkness for too long and your eyes adjust to it. There is a limit to staying in the dark, eventually we need to get out.
Jlied
Active Member
Isn’t that why addiction is what it is? If we weren’t ashamed of it we wouldn’t do it in the dark it keep it in the dark. If it wasn’t known to be a problem we would be open about it. But we know that it’s looked down upon so we hide in the shadows. When was the last time you heard if anyone being afraid to talk about exercise or eating healthy? Because internally we know what we’re doing is harmful and we don’t want the eyes cast upon us or the words directed to us. We easily get desensitized to the horrors of porn then it becomes normal to a point. Once the rays of light make their way into our lives is when we start to see just how much we’ve done and how much we’ve found ways to justify as normal behavior.
So here's how it went for me -
> Stop viewing porn and masturbating, not so bad, I can do this
> why am i on social media so much? Better stop that
> Stop viewing social media, feel like crap for a few days, but getting over that
> now brain starts to recall past sexual experiences
I was lying in bed last night and my brain went to a past sexual experience with whom other than my friend.
I'd say it was 7 months ago but my brain recalled it all. Its something I had not thought about tbh but I guess as my brain has been starved of porn and p substitutes it went looking for dopamine.
I shook it off.
So thats not good. Its not good at all.
I went for a run this afternoon and I was thinking about this. Thinking about her. I'll open up here and say i was always interested in her, on many levels, I found her attractive and interesting but she was with a friend of mine so I just never thought anymore about it. She married my friend.
Anyway, I have switched off porn, switched off social media and now my brain is going to sexual experiences with her so I must strangle those too.
If she has a few drinks and starts phoning me I am in trouble here (again.)
This is just being honest here my friends. I'm trying so hard to get my shit together.
> Stop viewing porn and masturbating, not so bad, I can do this
> why am i on social media so much? Better stop that
> Stop viewing social media, feel like crap for a few days, but getting over that
> now brain starts to recall past sexual experiences
I was lying in bed last night and my brain went to a past sexual experience with whom other than my friend.
I'd say it was 7 months ago but my brain recalled it all. Its something I had not thought about tbh but I guess as my brain has been starved of porn and p substitutes it went looking for dopamine.
I shook it off.
So thats not good. Its not good at all.
I went for a run this afternoon and I was thinking about this. Thinking about her. I'll open up here and say i was always interested in her, on many levels, I found her attractive and interesting but she was with a friend of mine so I just never thought anymore about it. She married my friend.
Anyway, I have switched off porn, switched off social media and now my brain is going to sexual experiences with her
so I must strangle those too. If she has a few drinks and starts phoning me I am in trouble here (again.)
This is just being honest here my friends. I'm trying so hard to get my shit together.
Jlied
Active Member
Kinda like peeling the layers back of an onion. Sucks to find all the additional layers, but at least it’s progress and you aren’t just stuck in a cycle or abstain, relapse, and repeat. You’ve gone through a lot and are still going through a lot. I’m thankful for all that you’ve shared so far because it is undoubtedly helping others.So here's how it went for me -
> Stop viewing porn and masturbating, not so bad, I can do this
> why am i on social media so much? Better stop that
> Stop viewing social media, feel like crap for a few days, but getting over that
> now brain starts to recall past sexual experiences
I was lying in bed last night and my brain went to a past sexual experience with whom other than my friend.
I'd say it was 7 months ago but my brain recalled it all. Its something I had not thought about tbh but I guess as my brain has been starved of porn and p substitutes it went looking for dopamine.
I shook it off.
So thats not good. Its not good at all.
I went for a run this afternoon and I was thinking about this. Thinking about her. I'll open up here and say i was always interested in her, on many levels, I found her attractive and interesting but she was with a friend of mine so I just never thought anymore about it. She married my friend.
Anyway, I have switched off porn, switched off social media and now my brain is going to sexual experiences with her
If she has a few drinks and starts phoning me I am in trouble here (again.)
This is just being honest here my friends. I'm trying so hard to get my shit together.
@Jlied Tbh my brain does feel like an onion at times 
but I really hope I have helped others in some small way 
I had watched a Dr. Trish video earlier and she mentioned clients whom could recall past sexual experiences in their minds. I knew she was then talking about me.
However I prefer to know what I'm fighting and if that is the last piece of the puzzle I will have to tackle this too.
Not that I have been fantasising. Its just the last few days when I removed everything my brain started searching everywhere I guess
but I really hope I have helped others in some small way I had watched a Dr. Trish video earlier and she mentioned clients whom could recall past sexual experiences in their minds. I knew she was then talking about me.
However I prefer to know what I'm fighting and if that is the last piece of the puzzle I will have to tackle this too.
Not that I have been fantasising. Its just the last few days when I removed everything my brain started searching everywhere I guess
Jlied
Active Member
I can’t help but wonder if the mind of a porn addict is similar to a dementia patient. Where as the dementia patients mind starts to fade more core memory and behaviors are dominant. My dad always talked about his childhood or things that happened long ago as he progressed and as his mind further deteriorated he started doing smoking motions again (he had quit smoking for years) he would bring his fingers to his mouth, put out cigarette butts, and even toss cigarette butts. As our addict brain starts peeling away are we left with more core memories of sex? Most of the thoughts that pop into my head regarding sex now are always physical acts that I have taken part in whether it’s my wife or past girlfriends. Is this all the brain has left to draw in to try and tempt us into relapse?
Mason for helping others, it would be crazy to think you are not. Even if your personal story doesn’t resonate with someone, the efforts you are giving and the things you are overcoming at minimum show others that it can be done. Keep doing your thing my friend I’m over here in the sidelines cheering you in!
@Jlied thanks for sharing I like the comparison
Most sexual images that pop into my mind now are also from past sexual experiences.
I remember as a teenager (before porn) if I saw something I liked my eyes would be glued to whatever and I would recall that image later for mo. I had forgotten that I did that tbh.
I'll keep going
I like the comparison Most sexual images that pop into my mind now are also from past sexual experiences.
I remember as a teenager (before porn) if I saw something I liked my eyes would be glued to whatever and I would recall that image later for mo. I had forgotten that I did that tbh.
I'll keep going