Moving On - This Matters
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Day 5 - No PMO/HS/M/O - Goal Don't PMO/HS ever again.
Things have settled down. My extreme social anxiety has dissipated again and I am not overwhelmed by feelings of lost self confidence. I have gotten 3 nights of good sleep and am focusing on improving my outlook and appreciation. Every time I get into a prolonged bad mood or loose my self confidence I relapse; so that's the weakness in my armour. Time to work on that because I don't see without changing that I will be able to not relapse. How to change?
1) Exercise; when you look good you feel good. When you feel good you look good (because you are confident and happy).
2) Focus on goals and focusing on celebrating achieved gaols.
3) Focusing on thought process so I don't fall into bad moods; and give full appreciation to the goods things in my life which there are so very many.
Things have settled down. My extreme social anxiety has dissipated again and I am not overwhelmed by feelings of lost self confidence. I have gotten 3 nights of good sleep and am focusing on improving my outlook and appreciation. Every time I get into a prolonged bad mood or loose my self confidence I relapse; so that's the weakness in my armour. Time to work on that because I don't see without changing that I will be able to not relapse. How to change?
1) Exercise; when you look good you feel good. When you feel good you look good (because you are confident and happy).
2) Focus on goals and focusing on celebrating achieved gaols.
3) Focusing on thought process so I don't fall into bad moods; and give full appreciation to the goods things in my life which there are so very many.
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Day 7 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Its been a struggle these last few days. I'm struggling to not M/O and thoughts of PMO are still on my mind and I'm struggling to shake them. The first 12 days are the hardest!
My subconscious is trying to work all angles to get me to PMO so it can get its dopamine hit. Have to counter act:
From http://yourbrainonporn.com/brain-structure-and-functional-connectivity-associated-pornography-consumption-2014:
2.The nerve connections between the reward circuit and prefrontal cortex worsened with increased porn watching. As the researchers explained, "Dysfunction of this circuitry has been related to inappropriate behavioral choices, such as drug seeking, regardless of the potential negative outcome. In short, this is evidence of an association between porn use and impaired impulse control.
3.The more porn used, the less reward activation when sexual images were flashed on the screen. A possible explanation is that heavy users eventually need more stimulation to fire up their reward circuitry. Said the researchers, "This is in line with the hypothesis that intense exposure to pornographic stimuli results in a downregulation of the natural neural response to sexual stimuli." Again, desensitization is common in all kinds of addicts.
Our primordial brains aren't built to watch pornography. Our chemical system thinks we are mating and dispersing life but the opposite is the case. PMO has made me lonely, stopped me from getting good erections during sex, has reduced my productivity and increased my anxiety. I am finding this hard to abstain right now, but I will not quit.
Day 7 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Its been a struggle these last few days. I'm struggling to not M/O and thoughts of PMO are still on my mind and I'm struggling to shake them. The first 12 days are the hardest!
My subconscious is trying to work all angles to get me to PMO so it can get its dopamine hit. Have to counter act:
From http://yourbrainonporn.com/brain-structure-and-functional-connectivity-associated-pornography-consumption-2014:
2.The nerve connections between the reward circuit and prefrontal cortex worsened with increased porn watching. As the researchers explained, "Dysfunction of this circuitry has been related to inappropriate behavioral choices, such as drug seeking, regardless of the potential negative outcome. In short, this is evidence of an association between porn use and impaired impulse control.
3.The more porn used, the less reward activation when sexual images were flashed on the screen. A possible explanation is that heavy users eventually need more stimulation to fire up their reward circuitry. Said the researchers, "This is in line with the hypothesis that intense exposure to pornographic stimuli results in a downregulation of the natural neural response to sexual stimuli." Again, desensitization is common in all kinds of addicts.
Our primordial brains aren't built to watch pornography. Our chemical system thinks we are mating and dispersing life but the opposite is the case. PMO has made me lonely, stopped me from getting good erections during sex, has reduced my productivity and increased my anxiety. I am finding this hard to abstain right now, but I will not quit.
Day 10 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Ok, things starting to improve again but still a struggle. Reduced feelings to watch PMO, I now feel like I am in charge once more. Still want to MO but I have that under control. The best thing I think I've done is spend time on YourBrainOnPorn.com (its in the menu bar above). I keep reading everyone's posts who have made it to at least 90 days. They all have common themes:
1) Feel good, no anxiety, able to socialise.
2) Better grades, better at work/school.
3) Able to be intimate and have sexual intercourse without performance issues.
I read one post that made good sense:
...the mind is like a garden. By extension, the mind must be treated like a garden. I realise by filling my mind with porn, its been over run by a terrible weed that is crushing and killing the beauty inside. Some of that beauty I can never get back and that's sad. But at least I can grow new beauty by being more careful about what I let grow. Time to do the weeding, time to cut down the great thick PMO weeds that have been choking everything and tend the gardens. In time I will smell the flowers once more! Life is a garden, dig it!
Actually really happy with myself, the last few days I have felt very bad, but I abstained even when I really wanted/needed to PMO/HS/MO.
Ok, things starting to improve again but still a struggle. Reduced feelings to watch PMO, I now feel like I am in charge once more. Still want to MO but I have that under control. The best thing I think I've done is spend time on YourBrainOnPorn.com (its in the menu bar above). I keep reading everyone's posts who have made it to at least 90 days. They all have common themes:
1) Feel good, no anxiety, able to socialise.
2) Better grades, better at work/school.
3) Able to be intimate and have sexual intercourse without performance issues.
I read one post that made good sense:
...the mind is like a garden. By extension, the mind must be treated like a garden. I realise by filling my mind with porn, its been over run by a terrible weed that is crushing and killing the beauty inside. Some of that beauty I can never get back and that's sad. But at least I can grow new beauty by being more careful about what I let grow. Time to do the weeding, time to cut down the great thick PMO weeds that have been choking everything and tend the gardens. In time I will smell the flowers once more! Life is a garden, dig it!
Actually really happy with myself, the last few days I have felt very bad, but I abstained even when I really wanted/needed to PMO/HS/MO.
Day 0 - Again, browsed hook up site, MO. Going to try and reset and last out 14 days again.
Dhira, thank you for the kind comment!
If you read all the studies about PMO, they have found it messes with your impulse control centre (which shrinks and is muddled up from years of PMO). I'm finding it so hard to keep motivated and not procrastinate. I'm pretty sure PMO has been playing a part in this problem. I've really been struggling to keep my goals and I'm struggling to stop PMO/HS. So something has got to change. Spoke to counsellor, on waiting list for appointment in a couple of weeks. I've taken a step, forging a different path, tackling things from a new angle. I'm not giving in, I'm not giving up, this matters, I matter.
Dhira, thank you for the kind comment!
If you read all the studies about PMO, they have found it messes with your impulse control centre (which shrinks and is muddled up from years of PMO). I'm finding it so hard to keep motivated and not procrastinate. I'm pretty sure PMO has been playing a part in this problem. I've really been struggling to keep my goals and I'm struggling to stop PMO/HS. So something has got to change. Spoke to counsellor, on waiting list for appointment in a couple of weeks. I've taken a step, forging a different path, tackling things from a new angle. I'm not giving in, I'm not giving up, this matters, I matter.
Day 1 - No PMO/HS/M/O
In emotional turmoil today, can't sleep, unhappy, hurt by family members. This year has been very hard, but less hard than last year. As difficult as these years have been for me, I am making progress. Sometimes, when we fall down (or are pushed), it gives us a chance to take a breath and look around, see things differently and that can be the best thing that happens.
I've started to finally believe maybe life isn't fair at all. Am I just being na?ve, thinking things always work out for the best and the universe has some kind of inbuilt fairness mechanism? Of course I am. I saw a homeless man with cerebral palsy today, I felt like crying. But that will not help him or me, I'll just have to make my own fairness in life.
I need to see out 14 days again without relapse. That's what I'm focusing on.
In emotional turmoil today, can't sleep, unhappy, hurt by family members. This year has been very hard, but less hard than last year. As difficult as these years have been for me, I am making progress. Sometimes, when we fall down (or are pushed), it gives us a chance to take a breath and look around, see things differently and that can be the best thing that happens.
I've started to finally believe maybe life isn't fair at all. Am I just being na?ve, thinking things always work out for the best and the universe has some kind of inbuilt fairness mechanism? Of course I am. I saw a homeless man with cerebral palsy today, I felt like crying. But that will not help him or me, I'll just have to make my own fairness in life.
I need to see out 14 days again without relapse. That's what I'm focusing on.
Day 2 - no PMO/HS/M/O
dhira, therewolf - thanks for your support guys I really appreciate it.
Have been thinking today about my relapsing. I added a new rule for myself. Body, mind, soul. I've had too much focus on conscious input, and not enough focus on subconscious, emotional and physical. So changing tack a little here. I'm going to meditate to coordinate conscious and subconscious. That should help the emotional side of things. And finally, I'm paying much more attention to my actions such as be aware not to touch my fella.
Exercised very hard yesterday and I was pretty exhausted and feeling sorry for myself.
This is beginning to feel balanced again and achievable. Feeling pretty good for day 2.
dhira, therewolf - thanks for your support guys I really appreciate it.
Have been thinking today about my relapsing. I added a new rule for myself. Body, mind, soul. I've had too much focus on conscious input, and not enough focus on subconscious, emotional and physical. So changing tack a little here. I'm going to meditate to coordinate conscious and subconscious. That should help the emotional side of things. And finally, I'm paying much more attention to my actions such as be aware not to touch my fella.
Exercised very hard yesterday and I was pretty exhausted and feeling sorry for myself.
This is beginning to feel balanced again and achievable. Feeling pretty good for day 2.
Day 3 - No PMO/HS/M/O
I have been focusing on my body and mind combination.
I'm trying to change my focus from picturing reboot as an internal fight or war, to understanding my mind. To understanding that my brain will try and watch PMO/HS to try and get more dopamine because this is a survival response. I need to be aware of this so I can manage the ways in which my brain will try and gain dopamine. This can include my brain purposefully getting upset in order to get PMO/HS/M/O, depression and even physical sickness. As I am aware of these processes I can prepare for them and be ready to face them when they occur.
I have been focusing on my body and mind combination.
I'm trying to change my focus from picturing reboot as an internal fight or war, to understanding my mind. To understanding that my brain will try and watch PMO/HS to try and get more dopamine because this is a survival response. I need to be aware of this so I can manage the ways in which my brain will try and gain dopamine. This can include my brain purposefully getting upset in order to get PMO/HS/M/O, depression and even physical sickness. As I am aware of these processes I can prepare for them and be ready to face them when they occur.
Day 4 - No PMO/HS/M/O.
Yesterday I felt very lonely all day. Today after a very minor argument with a friend, my mind went on an internal angry tirade that would probably have lasted for a few days of depression and feeling sorry for myself. Then I remembered my rules in post 1 on this topic, "...During reboot, my brain will try and work out ways to get back to porn despite me trying to stop it, because it has linked porn to survival through dopamine. I therefore must pay constant attention to the ways my mind will try and draw me back to porn and prevent this from happening."
And that was it, after I recognised what was happening I calmed down and took some deep breathes. My brain (subconscious) tried to go right out of its way to create a big issue out of nothing to get me to be UPSET and ANGRY. Then in a couple of days of being angry I'll feel sorry enough for myself that I will probably browse a hook up site or worse PMO to relieve the stress. Then I'll be back to square 1, but feeling bad about myself and reinforcing that I can't reboot. But my (subconscious) will have gotten its dopamine, but worse it will have worked out that to get dopamine in the future; it only needs to react to an incident in a upset and angry way and it will get it. If I keep allowing that to happen it will be a long time to reboot or I might give up.
I'm trying very hard to not see this as a war against myself, or see PMO as some great monster (because I'm not a monster slayer). I tried being angry and mad, determined, saying a man can do this etc... But then I started going backwards so I knew my approach was not working. This is an addiction. An addiction comes from some process that hijacks our brain's chemical survival mechanism and convinces our brain we need that process (PMO which produces dopamine) or chemical (drugs that produce dopamine etc...) to survive. Our brain (thinking it is helping us to survive) is trying to do everything it can to get more dopamine because it is chemically linked to survival.
My subconscious will try and trick me into getting dopamine any way it can, it will try in many ways to get me back to hook up sites or porn. Because I know this, I can help it (me) with this major misunderstanding and constantly reiterate to my brain through meditation that it does not need PMO/HS. Thank you brain for trying to protect me and we will get through this.
Yesterday I felt very lonely all day. Today after a very minor argument with a friend, my mind went on an internal angry tirade that would probably have lasted for a few days of depression and feeling sorry for myself. Then I remembered my rules in post 1 on this topic, "...During reboot, my brain will try and work out ways to get back to porn despite me trying to stop it, because it has linked porn to survival through dopamine. I therefore must pay constant attention to the ways my mind will try and draw me back to porn and prevent this from happening."
And that was it, after I recognised what was happening I calmed down and took some deep breathes. My brain (subconscious) tried to go right out of its way to create a big issue out of nothing to get me to be UPSET and ANGRY. Then in a couple of days of being angry I'll feel sorry enough for myself that I will probably browse a hook up site or worse PMO to relieve the stress. Then I'll be back to square 1, but feeling bad about myself and reinforcing that I can't reboot. But my (subconscious) will have gotten its dopamine, but worse it will have worked out that to get dopamine in the future; it only needs to react to an incident in a upset and angry way and it will get it. If I keep allowing that to happen it will be a long time to reboot or I might give up.
I'm trying very hard to not see this as a war against myself, or see PMO as some great monster (because I'm not a monster slayer). I tried being angry and mad, determined, saying a man can do this etc... But then I started going backwards so I knew my approach was not working. This is an addiction. An addiction comes from some process that hijacks our brain's chemical survival mechanism and convinces our brain we need that process (PMO which produces dopamine) or chemical (drugs that produce dopamine etc...) to survive. Our brain (thinking it is helping us to survive) is trying to do everything it can to get more dopamine because it is chemically linked to survival.
My subconscious will try and trick me into getting dopamine any way it can, it will try in many ways to get me back to hook up sites or porn. Because I know this, I can help it (me) with this major misunderstanding and constantly reiterate to my brain through meditation that it does not need PMO/HS. Thank you brain for trying to protect me and we will get through this.
CrazyGopher
Active Member
Congrats on your victory today.
I am a little amazed that you are able to be thankful to your brain in this process! That is wonderful. I am not so kind to mine, and it is something I need to learn.
I am a little amazed that you are able to be thankful to your brain in this process! That is wonderful. I am not so kind to mine, and it is something I need to learn.
Day 5 - No PMO/HS/M/O, not sleeping properly, upset at past stuff, exercised and had cold shower today.
Thanks CrazyGopher, it was indeed a great victory. I am much more aware now that my brain will try and trick me into PMO/HS for that dopamine high. I was thinking today, how have I relapsed in the past? What tricks has my subconscious played on me, in order to get back to HS/PMO? If I can answer this question, I can better manage my mind and will be prepared to stop relapse.
So the beat goes a little something like this:
> Watch PMO/HS for hours. Try to find the one video/person that will do it for me (can't even find that anymore)
> Eventually ejaculate, the dopamine dries up, my overwhelmed by dopamine rational mind reasserts control.
> Feel severe pain of PMO/HS: wasted time, guilt, shame, self anger, anxiety, loss of control (the great dopamine crash)
> Begin reboot with strong conviction
> Reboot underway, subconscious, enacting its survival mechanism to get more dopamine, starts to play tricks to get back to PMO/HS:
1) Very early on, I feel angry and snap at people. The porn dopamine is being missed and the subconscious is working hard to figure out some way to get porn dopamine back. If it can maintain the emotional upheaval through anger, self destruction, sadness, loss of purpose then very quickly I'll PMO/HS.
2) Misalignment of emotion and purpose and its a nasty subconscious trick. I get complacent during reboot and I continue to go through the motion of rebooting while slowly my conviction changes (subconscious at work to get porn dopamine). While still going through the motion of reboot, deep down my subconscious begins removing negative emotion\pain associated with PMO/HS. I continue to reboot on auto pilot, while emotionally my subconscious convinces me to flaunt my previous no PMO/HS convictions; when there is no guilt/shame/bad feelings from flaunting my no PMO/HS reboot convictions, my subconscious has provided evidence that those previous feelings of guilt/shame/waste of time from PMO/HS no longer apply and its now ok to PMO/HS. THE TRICK IS COMPLETE, its just a matter of time before PMO/HS. VERY TRICKY indeed! Indicators include: flat line, loss of emotion during reboot, going through the motion of reboot without paying attention or in a bored way, considering/beginning to look at arousing things, loss of conviction.
How to correct this subconscious trick? I ask myself, how do I feel about PMO/HS? How do I feel about spending hours watching porn? I ask myself, describe the last time I ejaculated when I PMO/HS? How did it feel? Is that what I want?
I spend a worthwhile amount of time adjusting my mind back to the reboot state.
I've come up with this for me to say to myself OUTLOUD "Subconscious mind, please listen to me. I understand that you think watching porn and receiving porn dopamine is necessary for my survival because dopamine is the reward I receive for eating, drinking, procreating and staying alive. But porn is not keeping me alive, on the contrary it is slowing killing me by taking my valuable time and preventing me from succeeding. Thank you for looking after me so well, thank you for getting me to this point in my life, but from now on I need you to stop pornography coming into my life. I know together, we will succeed"
Thanks CrazyGopher, it was indeed a great victory. I am much more aware now that my brain will try and trick me into PMO/HS for that dopamine high. I was thinking today, how have I relapsed in the past? What tricks has my subconscious played on me, in order to get back to HS/PMO? If I can answer this question, I can better manage my mind and will be prepared to stop relapse.
So the beat goes a little something like this:
> Watch PMO/HS for hours. Try to find the one video/person that will do it for me (can't even find that anymore)
> Eventually ejaculate, the dopamine dries up, my overwhelmed by dopamine rational mind reasserts control.
> Feel severe pain of PMO/HS: wasted time, guilt, shame, self anger, anxiety, loss of control (the great dopamine crash)
> Begin reboot with strong conviction
> Reboot underway, subconscious, enacting its survival mechanism to get more dopamine, starts to play tricks to get back to PMO/HS:
1) Very early on, I feel angry and snap at people. The porn dopamine is being missed and the subconscious is working hard to figure out some way to get porn dopamine back. If it can maintain the emotional upheaval through anger, self destruction, sadness, loss of purpose then very quickly I'll PMO/HS.
2) Misalignment of emotion and purpose and its a nasty subconscious trick. I get complacent during reboot and I continue to go through the motion of rebooting while slowly my conviction changes (subconscious at work to get porn dopamine). While still going through the motion of reboot, deep down my subconscious begins removing negative emotion\pain associated with PMO/HS. I continue to reboot on auto pilot, while emotionally my subconscious convinces me to flaunt my previous no PMO/HS convictions; when there is no guilt/shame/bad feelings from flaunting my no PMO/HS reboot convictions, my subconscious has provided evidence that those previous feelings of guilt/shame/waste of time from PMO/HS no longer apply and its now ok to PMO/HS. THE TRICK IS COMPLETE, its just a matter of time before PMO/HS. VERY TRICKY indeed! Indicators include: flat line, loss of emotion during reboot, going through the motion of reboot without paying attention or in a bored way, considering/beginning to look at arousing things, loss of conviction.
How to correct this subconscious trick? I ask myself, how do I feel about PMO/HS? How do I feel about spending hours watching porn? I ask myself, describe the last time I ejaculated when I PMO/HS? How did it feel? Is that what I want?
I spend a worthwhile amount of time adjusting my mind back to the reboot state.
I've come up with this for me to say to myself OUTLOUD "Subconscious mind, please listen to me. I understand that you think watching porn and receiving porn dopamine is necessary for my survival because dopamine is the reward I receive for eating, drinking, procreating and staying alive. But porn is not keeping me alive, on the contrary it is slowing killing me by taking my valuable time and preventing me from succeeding. Thank you for looking after me so well, thank you for getting me to this point in my life, but from now on I need you to stop pornography coming into my life. I know together, we will succeed"
HeavenxxnxxHell
Member
I've just read your complete journal and it's really inspiring. I can see that you've had a few ups and downs, but I think that you have one of the most amazing attitudes towards your addiction.
I truly believe that you can and will beat your addiction. It will be difficult, but I think you understand that it will also be worth it.
Good luck on your journey
I truly believe that you can and will beat your addiction. It will be difficult, but I think you understand that it will also be worth it.
Good luck on your journey
Day 6 - No PMO/HS/M/O
HeavenxxnxxHell thank your for your kind and very encouraging comments; I hope you too will move on from PMO.
Today I slid momentarily toward idle thoughts of hook up sites. My mind framed it as 'not a big deal' and I could feel my reboot resolve being ignored for dopamine. But I reminded myself yet again, of the tricks my mind will play in order to get dopamine.
So I made it through today and my conviction is stronger than ever. I feel strongly that I will continue to achieve reboot. I've changed strategy and I've found a path that is working. It also is a path of self appreciation which is good too
Go the distance!
HeavenxxnxxHell thank your for your kind and very encouraging comments; I hope you too will move on from PMO.
Today I slid momentarily toward idle thoughts of hook up sites. My mind framed it as 'not a big deal' and I could feel my reboot resolve being ignored for dopamine. But I reminded myself yet again, of the tricks my mind will play in order to get dopamine.
So I made it through today and my conviction is stronger than ever. I feel strongly that I will continue to achieve reboot. I've changed strategy and I've found a path that is working. It also is a path of self appreciation which is good too
Go the distance!Day 7 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Great day today, no withdrawal symptoms, feeling good, subconscious mind cooperating and I'm feeling confident and strong about reboot. I'm not falling into a false sense of security though. My subconscious may try to trick me at any time to get back to porn.
I was thinking today about my emotional reaction to things. It could be possible I have been taking things out of context. I wonder if part of this is to do with my mind finding reasons to be angry so I will seek our PMO/HS for relief. Since going through reboot I've found my anger has lessened even when it might be justified. I've been reading so many posts on here about guys who have been going out of there way to watch porn even when they have a partner. A while ago when I had a partner I used to get into arguments so I could be alone to watch porn. My behaviour has been really unacceptable and I feel guilty about that.
It shouldn't be a surprise; after all porn produces addiction through dopamine and we do shameful things to fulfil that addiction.
Great day today, no withdrawal symptoms, feeling good, subconscious mind cooperating and I'm feeling confident and strong about reboot. I'm not falling into a false sense of security though. My subconscious may try to trick me at any time to get back to porn.
I was thinking today about my emotional reaction to things. It could be possible I have been taking things out of context. I wonder if part of this is to do with my mind finding reasons to be angry so I will seek our PMO/HS for relief. Since going through reboot I've found my anger has lessened even when it might be justified. I've been reading so many posts on here about guys who have been going out of there way to watch porn even when they have a partner. A while ago when I had a partner I used to get into arguments so I could be alone to watch porn. My behaviour has been really unacceptable and I feel guilty about that.
It shouldn't be a surprise; after all porn produces addiction through dopamine and we do shameful things to fulfil that addiction.
Day 8 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Strange day today, woke up at 6:30 am after only 5 hours sleep. Couldn't get back to sleep. When I don't sleep I know I am at far greater risk of relapse. Could this just be a night of bad sleep, or my subconscious mind trying to find another way to wear down my conviction to get dopamine? Woke up thinking about sexual encounters I've had (but not PMO/porn related). Felt bad all morning. I feel like I am coming down with a cold or flu. This same thing happened to me about 3 months ago when I had very strong conviction to reboot. Also thought about hook up site but I came here instead and read my rules. My conviction to reboot is strong and I am confident. Overall, I am feeling good but still distant from people. I still don't feel like getting out there and laughing and talking with people. In another week I will start to open up again.
I was working at home all day as I do several times a week. I opened a website to view a uni related subject. It had absolutely nothing to do with porn or anything sexual. I got the porn response; my heart started beating really fast and my mind was searching the screen for porn. Nothing happened and nothing will happen, but I feel like Pavlov's dog (Russian Physiologist who rang a bell every time he fed a dog. Then when he rang the bell around the dog even when no food was present, the dog would begin salivating as the bell was associated with the food). This really tells me something important though. PMO is still very much associated with me seeing my internet browser display information in a certain way despite having only been to a porn site once in about 4 months (although I've been to hook up sites a number of times).
While tired, wired and preparing for an exam in a few days which is stressful, my conscious and emotion are together in conviction to stop PMO/HS. I will meditate now for a while and I will try and sleep early tonight and get good rest.
Maintain conviction, monitor the mind and emotions, go the distance.
Strange day today, woke up at 6:30 am after only 5 hours sleep. Couldn't get back to sleep. When I don't sleep I know I am at far greater risk of relapse. Could this just be a night of bad sleep, or my subconscious mind trying to find another way to wear down my conviction to get dopamine? Woke up thinking about sexual encounters I've had (but not PMO/porn related). Felt bad all morning. I feel like I am coming down with a cold or flu. This same thing happened to me about 3 months ago when I had very strong conviction to reboot. Also thought about hook up site but I came here instead and read my rules. My conviction to reboot is strong and I am confident. Overall, I am feeling good but still distant from people. I still don't feel like getting out there and laughing and talking with people. In another week I will start to open up again.
I was working at home all day as I do several times a week. I opened a website to view a uni related subject. It had absolutely nothing to do with porn or anything sexual. I got the porn response; my heart started beating really fast and my mind was searching the screen for porn. Nothing happened and nothing will happen, but I feel like Pavlov's dog (Russian Physiologist who rang a bell every time he fed a dog. Then when he rang the bell around the dog even when no food was present, the dog would begin salivating as the bell was associated with the food). This really tells me something important though. PMO is still very much associated with me seeing my internet browser display information in a certain way despite having only been to a porn site once in about 4 months (although I've been to hook up sites a number of times).
While tired, wired and preparing for an exam in a few days which is stressful, my conscious and emotion are together in conviction to stop PMO/HS. I will meditate now for a while and I will try and sleep early tonight and get good rest.
Maintain conviction, monitor the mind and emotions, go the distance.
Day 0 - Bit of a conundrum for me today. I went on to a hook up site (HS) which I agreed with myself I wouldn't do. I almost feel like its not fair to reset because I didn't get the massive dopamine rush similar to that of PMO and I'm not feeling anxious, bad or guilty, although I did waste a bit of time.
HOWEVER, I made an agreement with myself not to go on HS sites. If I relax my standard against my rules, well that's a slippery slope to PMO/HS doom. No thanks. As disappointed as I am to reset, this is progress. As part of my reboot I want to make it 90 days without PMO/HS/M/O. Got PMO/M/O down, just not HS so I'm 3/4 way there. Will start counselling next week so I'll have someone to discuss HS with in person. Need to spend some time figuring out my internal emotions leading to HS. So here is to day 0 and to working on strategy to stop HS. Work the strategy!
HOWEVER, I made an agreement with myself not to go on HS sites. If I relax my standard against my rules, well that's a slippery slope to PMO/HS doom. No thanks. As disappointed as I am to reset, this is progress. As part of my reboot I want to make it 90 days without PMO/HS/M/O. Got PMO/M/O down, just not HS so I'm 3/4 way there. Will start counselling next week so I'll have someone to discuss HS with in person. Need to spend some time figuring out my internal emotions leading to HS. So here is to day 0 and to working on strategy to stop HS. Work the strategy!
Day 1 - Yes! No PMO/M/O/HS.
So researched info on hook up sites last night and confirmed what I suspected. Hook up sites are another dopamine trap the same as porn. It has taken me a long time to get my mind to a state where I do not like and have decided to not watch porn (awesome!). But I'm not in the same place with hook up sites yet. My subconscious still feel like they are an option. I know this because I don't have the same feeling about HS as porn. So I will spend the next few days working on that.
I didn't sleep well last night, had some anxiety today but other than that I feel pretty good.
Trying hard to create a better mental attitude; trying hard to not just look on the positive side but to live on the positive side and being in the wash of positive emotion and having fun with life again. I feel like my release from pornography is filling me with life again and I am thankful to everyone on here for helping me with this journey. Feel good people! 8)
So researched info on hook up sites last night and confirmed what I suspected. Hook up sites are another dopamine trap the same as porn. It has taken me a long time to get my mind to a state where I do not like and have decided to not watch porn (awesome!). But I'm not in the same place with hook up sites yet. My subconscious still feel like they are an option. I know this because I don't have the same feeling about HS as porn. So I will spend the next few days working on that.
I didn't sleep well last night, had some anxiety today but other than that I feel pretty good.
Trying hard to create a better mental attitude; trying hard to not just look on the positive side but to live on the positive side and being in the wash of positive emotion and having fun with life again. I feel like my release from pornography is filling me with life again and I am thankful to everyone on here for helping me with this journey. Feel good people! 8)