Moving On - This Matters
- Thread starter TheGuy
- Start date
Day 2.5 NO PMO/hook up sites/M/O
I went on a hook up site binge for two days, had a break for a day and then for another two days last week.
I also started speaking to a counsellor and set a long term goal of our sessions to stop going on hook up sites. I also told the counsellor how in about the last 7 months I had only been on a porn site once. It feels good to be honest and it feels good to be able to say I don't believe I will ever purposefully go back to a porn site again. Good reason to celebrate.
When I have been with a couple of lovers, I've noticed that I am way more sensitive and responsive than when I was PMOing. So I do feel like I have gained some normality and new sensitivity. Likewise, since the heavy burden of PMO has been lifted I feel much more confident, secure and healthy.
I've been thinking then, what is normal and healthy sexual activity? There can be a broad range from celibacy, to dating, to monogamous to player. All might be reasonable and legitimate depending on the person and their beliefs. I'm not quite sure where I want to sit. But what I do know is that I would like to achieve 90 days without any sexuality activity. So far I've got to just under half way. But I'm not giving up.
I went on a hook up site binge for two days, had a break for a day and then for another two days last week.
I also started speaking to a counsellor and set a long term goal of our sessions to stop going on hook up sites. I also told the counsellor how in about the last 7 months I had only been on a porn site once. It feels good to be honest and it feels good to be able to say I don't believe I will ever purposefully go back to a porn site again. Good reason to celebrate.
When I have been with a couple of lovers, I've noticed that I am way more sensitive and responsive than when I was PMOing. So I do feel like I have gained some normality and new sensitivity. Likewise, since the heavy burden of PMO has been lifted I feel much more confident, secure and healthy.
I've been thinking then, what is normal and healthy sexual activity? There can be a broad range from celibacy, to dating, to monogamous to player. All might be reasonable and legitimate depending on the person and their beliefs. I'm not quite sure where I want to sit. But what I do know is that I would like to achieve 90 days without any sexuality activity. So far I've got to just under half way. But I'm not giving up.
Day 2 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Another hook up site relapse and another step toward freedom.
I don't know why, but I'm feeling more confident than ever that I can abstain and remove hook up sites from my life.
I feel like the hook up site river has almost run its course.
I want to move on from hook up sites. There are many important things that I need to do that I don't when I'm distracted by hook up sites. If I wake up in the morning stressed about a looming deadline and begin working on the task, and then start browsing hook up sites I forget about the importance of the task completely and I find it hard to reprioritise. Then I have to work harder, faster and produce a lesser quality result because I'm distracted. That path can only lead to mediocre results or failure.
Also while the brain fog is nothing like when I used to watch porn (about 3.5 months free - yeah!!!) I notice that I still don't work as well after I browse hook up sites. There are some of my reasons for moving on from hook up sites.
Another hook up site relapse and another step toward freedom.
I don't know why, but I'm feeling more confident than ever that I can abstain and remove hook up sites from my life.
I feel like the hook up site river has almost run its course.
I want to move on from hook up sites. There are many important things that I need to do that I don't when I'm distracted by hook up sites. If I wake up in the morning stressed about a looming deadline and begin working on the task, and then start browsing hook up sites I forget about the importance of the task completely and I find it hard to reprioritise. Then I have to work harder, faster and produce a lesser quality result because I'm distracted. That path can only lead to mediocre results or failure.
Also while the brain fog is nothing like when I used to watch porn (about 3.5 months free - yeah!!!) I notice that I still don't work as well after I browse hook up sites. There are some of my reasons for moving on from hook up sites.
lyon03
Respected Member
I too had to hit rock bottom before feeling ready to reboot. In fact, I was having a Grindr (hookup) 3-way and, while in the act, caught a glimpse of myself in their closet mirror. My own reflection disgusted me. Two weeks later I started my reboot and haven't had a hook up nor PMO session since. I admire your commitment my friend. Stay strong. HOOK UP SITES ARE NOT AN OPTION.
Day 5 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Hook up sites are not an option!
I feel like I am starting to turn the tide and move forward but I will need to prove that to myself yet, through action and not words.
I have also noticed that my mental capability is much better when I am not visiting hook up sites which confirms to me that while hook up sites are nothing like PMO, they still have similar, although milder affects on causing brain fog. Those affects have been standing in the way of my success.
Hook up sites are not an option!
I feel like I am starting to turn the tide and move forward but I will need to prove that to myself yet, through action and not words.
I have also noticed that my mental capability is much better when I am not visiting hook up sites which confirms to me that while hook up sites are nothing like PMO, they still have similar, although milder affects on causing brain fog. Those affects have been standing in the way of my success.
Day 6 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Thanks Lyon03 for your comments. Hook up sites are not an option. This is probably the longest I've been without going on a HS for about 6 weeks. I'm feeling good about that achievement and I will continue to not use hook up sites any more.
There are too many cool, great, adventurous and important things in life than to waste anymore time on HS.
HS is not an option.
Thanks Lyon03 for your comments. Hook up sites are not an option. This is probably the longest I've been without going on a HS for about 6 weeks. I'm feeling good about that achievement and I will continue to not use hook up sites any more.
There are too many cool, great, adventurous and important things in life than to waste anymore time on HS.
HS is not an option.
Day 7 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Thanks Lyon03 as always man, your encouragement makes a difference.
Its been a bit of a struggle today. I keep getting feelings to go on hook up sites which I immediately deny and say to myself its not an option for me anymore and I don't want that anymore. Now since I think I've finally convinced my brain that I don't want to go on hook up sites anymore, I keep getting the tendency to masturbate which I haven't had for months (apart from when on a hook up site) and my hand keeps finding its way to my wang. When I wash my wang in the shower I get strong urges to masturbate. But instead of masturbating, I choose wilfully and deliberately to not answer those calls any more, instead I thank myself and say no I don't want to do that anymore and its not an option for me anymore.
Its great to be back at day 7; its been a huge struggle over the last few months to get myself back here again and I'm celebrating this turn around. I'm glad that I kept coming here and posting occasionally and had the patience to wait out these strange few months as I went on a hook up site binge. Like all binges, you reach a point of over consumption where you feel sick.
Thanks Lyon03 as always man, your encouragement makes a difference.
Its been a bit of a struggle today. I keep getting feelings to go on hook up sites which I immediately deny and say to myself its not an option for me anymore and I don't want that anymore. Now since I think I've finally convinced my brain that I don't want to go on hook up sites anymore, I keep getting the tendency to masturbate which I haven't had for months (apart from when on a hook up site) and my hand keeps finding its way to my wang. When I wash my wang in the shower I get strong urges to masturbate. But instead of masturbating, I choose wilfully and deliberately to not answer those calls any more, instead I thank myself and say no I don't want to do that anymore and its not an option for me anymore.
Its great to be back at day 7; its been a huge struggle over the last few months to get myself back here again and I'm celebrating this turn around. I'm glad that I kept coming here and posting occasionally and had the patience to wait out these strange few months as I went on a hook up site binge. Like all binges, you reach a point of over consumption where you feel sick.
lyon03
Respected Member
Thanks for sharing brother. You are not alone. There comes a point in addiction where it no longer soothes the underlying problem because it takes on a life of its own. I reached that realization during a meaningless threesome in October. I caught a look of myself in the mirror and was disgusted. Addiction was no longer a drug dulling the pain, it was the pain. If you are masturbating to a screen, be it a hookup site or an underwear catalogue, this is addiction. From your post, it seems you are learning to separate addiction from rational thought which is a very good thing. I'd love to hear your game plan to beat it this time round and how I and this community can help. Stay strong my friend. SCREEN FAPPING IS NOT AN OPTION.
Day 8 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Thanks Lyon03, for me the difference is that I realize I was afraid. That's the root cause of my addiction, fear that you don't have enough of something or are missing out on something important or are personally inadequate and are not good enough. Overcoming addiction is facing this fear and moving forward. I didn't want to stop not because I enjoyed what I was doing (deep down you have to realize you don't really enjoy it at all), but because I needed to understand why I was doing it. That's my realization now. And its not something I'm ashamed of. I needed time to understand that the reason why I was going to hook up sites was because I was scared and fearful that I'm not good enough to be with other people. But I'm just like everyone else on here, I am good enough.
It's time to move on from PMO/HS/M/O.
Thanks Lyon03, for me the difference is that I realize I was afraid. That's the root cause of my addiction, fear that you don't have enough of something or are missing out on something important or are personally inadequate and are not good enough. Overcoming addiction is facing this fear and moving forward. I didn't want to stop not because I enjoyed what I was doing (deep down you have to realize you don't really enjoy it at all), but because I needed to understand why I was doing it. That's my realization now. And its not something I'm ashamed of. I needed time to understand that the reason why I was going to hook up sites was because I was scared and fearful that I'm not good enough to be with other people. But I'm just like everyone else on here, I am good enough.
It's time to move on from PMO/HS/M/O.
lyon03
Respected Member
Thanks for that honest and moving answer my friend. Thanks to what you wrote, I now understand my addiction as a hole in my soul that I tried to fill with porn, masturbation, and meaningless sex. The lies, shame and guilt were simply an extension of or an attempt to conceal my dirty habits. I appreciate your post brother.
Day 9 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Lyon03, interesting choice of words "hole in my soul". You feel incomplete? Maybe because you are afraid of not being accepted because of your sexuality and because of how society treats you? Are your habits an extension of an internal battle, insecurity and inadequacy to show them (and yourself) that there is nothing wrong with your sexuality and being gay? I could be absolutely wrong about saying that. But just wanted to say, you are a complete, whole and wholesome man.
It feels truly great to be at day 9, but I'm weary because I know the next few days can be difficult for relapse.
But I'm confident and celebrate each day of sobriety and nobility of freedom from being an addict of PMO/HS/M/O.
No more complicated thoughts today - just freedom from a problem long battled.
I wish you all such joy and freedom.
Lyon03, interesting choice of words "hole in my soul". You feel incomplete? Maybe because you are afraid of not being accepted because of your sexuality and because of how society treats you? Are your habits an extension of an internal battle, insecurity and inadequacy to show them (and yourself) that there is nothing wrong with your sexuality and being gay? I could be absolutely wrong about saying that. But just wanted to say, you are a complete, whole and wholesome man.
It feels truly great to be at day 9, but I'm weary because I know the next few days can be difficult for relapse.
But I'm confident and celebrate each day of sobriety and nobility of freedom from being an addict of PMO/HS/M/O.
No more complicated thoughts today - just freedom from a problem long battled.
I wish you all such joy and freedom.
Day 10 - No PMO/HS/M/O
My goal is 90 days, this is 10 percent.
Have been to counselling twice now. Although I disclosed my goal to stop going on hook up sites we haven't actually done any work toward it. But the act of telling someone in the flesh about it, helped me to bring the goal about.
I'm glad I didn't give up on finding new ways help achieve my goals.
My goal is 90 days, this is 10 percent.
Have been to counselling twice now. Although I disclosed my goal to stop going on hook up sites we haven't actually done any work toward it. But the act of telling someone in the flesh about it, helped me to bring the goal about.
I'm glad I didn't give up on finding new ways help achieve my goals.
Day 13 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Wow, this has been a hell of a struggle. I'm hanging in their, but just. I always knew this part of the reboot is hard but I don't think it's ever been this difficult before. The darkest hour is always just before the dawn. And its dark and as dark as its ever been. As much as I want to give in and go on to a hook up site I equally don't want to. The conflict almost makes me feel like crying.
I've even thought about going on a porn site and PMO which I haven't done for at least 4 months and stopped thinking about long ago. I thought if I am going to go on a HS, I would just M/O to prevent that from happening because after climax I would lose interest. But then I will probably replace hook up sites with M/O, like I replaced porn with hook up sites. Its a strategy to get me to where I want to be but its far from optimal and I might eventually give up and that will keep me in a place where I don't want to be anymore.
I don't want to stay here in this hard place. This struggle not to PMO/HS/M/O is really nothing compared to staying in the same place where I've been for so long. This struggle is really nothing compared to feeling like I can't abstain from PMO/HS/M/O. There is more to the symbolic representation of achieving this challenge than first glance presents. Its kind of a statement of success and failure and my self worth. I've taken so many hits from this, so many times I couldn't abstain, constantly undermining myself I don't know what I will feel about myself if I can't achieve this but I feel like I will never see myself with the same strength and discipline again.
I was thinking last night, success in this should be straight forward. Preparation = Success. If we are to be successful we need to spend time preparing and for this particular issue this might takes lots of time to prepare. Providing I make it through the next few days, and I think I can and will, it would justify the last 2 months of not really trying to reboot; which was a period of preparation even though I didn't realise it at the time because I was using it to answer questions about myself and what I really want.
What I found is I don't want to be ruled by porn or hook up sites or masturbation and organism. I am the master of my destiny.
This matters a lot, I'm moving forward guys.
Wow, this has been a hell of a struggle. I'm hanging in their, but just. I always knew this part of the reboot is hard but I don't think it's ever been this difficult before. The darkest hour is always just before the dawn. And its dark and as dark as its ever been. As much as I want to give in and go on to a hook up site I equally don't want to. The conflict almost makes me feel like crying.
I've even thought about going on a porn site and PMO which I haven't done for at least 4 months and stopped thinking about long ago. I thought if I am going to go on a HS, I would just M/O to prevent that from happening because after climax I would lose interest. But then I will probably replace hook up sites with M/O, like I replaced porn with hook up sites. Its a strategy to get me to where I want to be but its far from optimal and I might eventually give up and that will keep me in a place where I don't want to be anymore.
I don't want to stay here in this hard place. This struggle not to PMO/HS/M/O is really nothing compared to staying in the same place where I've been for so long. This struggle is really nothing compared to feeling like I can't abstain from PMO/HS/M/O. There is more to the symbolic representation of achieving this challenge than first glance presents. Its kind of a statement of success and failure and my self worth. I've taken so many hits from this, so many times I couldn't abstain, constantly undermining myself I don't know what I will feel about myself if I can't achieve this but I feel like I will never see myself with the same strength and discipline again.
I was thinking last night, success in this should be straight forward. Preparation = Success. If we are to be successful we need to spend time preparing and for this particular issue this might takes lots of time to prepare. Providing I make it through the next few days, and I think I can and will, it would justify the last 2 months of not really trying to reboot; which was a period of preparation even though I didn't realise it at the time because I was using it to answer questions about myself and what I really want.
What I found is I don't want to be ruled by porn or hook up sites or masturbation and organism. I am the master of my destiny.
This matters a lot, I'm moving forward guys.
lyon03
Respected Member
"What I found is I don't want to be ruled by porn or hook up sites or masturbation and organism. I am the master of my destiny. This matters a lot, I'm moving forward guys." You nailed it brother. This could be applied to any addiction. We are fighting to control our urges, rather than have our urges control us. I understand you're struggling but keep going. Keep fighting, posting, and becoming the person you really want to be. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
Day 14 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Thanks Lyon03! Well the major struggle of the last 36 hours ago seems to have past now. It was extremely difficult. My mind was searching for any way to get off, porn, hook up sites, masturbation; you know it. Its kind of like, my subconscious knew how serious I am about achieving this reboot and it was giving everything it could to break me. But I didn't break, I pulled through. AND I'M ESTATIC ABOUT IT TOO!
My focus is on 90 days. Although, when I say it I feel my mind trying to decide to find a earlier opportunity to go on a hook up site. So I realise that I have to be very weary. I'm feeling a little down right now. Previously I tried to use motivation and a positive attitude to get through. But I'm not normally that motivated or positive (but I'm not depressed or pessimistic either). When my motivation and positivity ran I relapsed. This time I'm approaching it without any change to my normal attitude. The difference is not emotional or subjective. The difference is objective or guided by reason.
I am deciding to make it to my 90 days goal of having no PMO/HS/M/O.
PMO/HS/M/O are not an option.
Thanks Lyon03! Well the major struggle of the last 36 hours ago seems to have past now. It was extremely difficult. My mind was searching for any way to get off, porn, hook up sites, masturbation; you know it. Its kind of like, my subconscious knew how serious I am about achieving this reboot and it was giving everything it could to break me. But I didn't break, I pulled through. AND I'M ESTATIC ABOUT IT TOO!
My focus is on 90 days. Although, when I say it I feel my mind trying to decide to find a earlier opportunity to go on a hook up site. So I realise that I have to be very weary. I'm feeling a little down right now. Previously I tried to use motivation and a positive attitude to get through. But I'm not normally that motivated or positive (but I'm not depressed or pessimistic either). When my motivation and positivity ran I relapsed. This time I'm approaching it without any change to my normal attitude. The difference is not emotional or subjective. The difference is objective or guided by reason.
I am deciding to make it to my 90 days goal of having no PMO/HS/M/O.
PMO/HS/M/O are not an option.
Day 16 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Well the struggle has increased again as my mind tries to work out reasons why it would be reasonable for me to go back on to hook up sites. It almost came close to convincing me of a reason but I realised what I was doing. I realise that I have almost convinced myself to return to hook up sites and that this type of thing is ok. But I'm being foolish, if I go back to that process I will not be happy and I will return here and do this all over again. I will be distracted from the important things that I really want to focus on and it will prevent me from establishing a meaningful relationship. Its short term pleasure, for massive long term pain and hassle. My productivity has shot through the roof this week. I'm sure its because I've made it past the 12 day point where the cycle of brain fog, and sexual stimulation induced laziness finally dissipate.
No dammit, HOOK UP SITES ARE NOT AN OPTION.
Well the struggle has increased again as my mind tries to work out reasons why it would be reasonable for me to go back on to hook up sites. It almost came close to convincing me of a reason but I realised what I was doing. I realise that I have almost convinced myself to return to hook up sites and that this type of thing is ok. But I'm being foolish, if I go back to that process I will not be happy and I will return here and do this all over again. I will be distracted from the important things that I really want to focus on and it will prevent me from establishing a meaningful relationship. Its short term pleasure, for massive long term pain and hassle. My productivity has shot through the roof this week. I'm sure its because I've made it past the 12 day point where the cycle of brain fog, and sexual stimulation induced laziness finally dissipate.
No dammit, HOOK UP SITES ARE NOT AN OPTION.
Day 17 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Ha ha Lyon03, I'm feeling great having made it to day 17. Virtual solo PMO/HS kills desire to achieve goals and do great things man. PMO isn't just a waste of time, it kills motivation to achieve goals, start a relationship and have actual sex.
But I have to stay grounded here. I know why I'm doing this. To reduce and potentially remove social anxiety all together, to achieve my goals, to be able to focus on important things and to save 4 to 12 hours a week or fortnight.
Ha ha Lyon03, I'm feeling great having made it to day 17. Virtual solo PMO/HS kills desire to achieve goals and do great things man. PMO isn't just a waste of time, it kills motivation to achieve goals, start a relationship and have actual sex.
But I have to stay grounded here. I know why I'm doing this. To reduce and potentially remove social anxiety all together, to achieve my goals, to be able to focus on important things and to save 4 to 12 hours a week or fortnight.
Hi The Guy,
Been reading your journal and am impressed by your attitude. Don't worry that you had a relapse, if you can help it. Get back on the horse. You'll get there in the end.
Also wanted to ask if you had seen that counsellor you mentioned a while back? The reason I ask is that I know social anxiety can be a real driver of P addiction. I know for myself after working with a counsellor that my social anxiety is a real driver of using P. This is because I fear the world is a really judgemental place, and not somewhere I am going to get alot of love, intimacy, or even sex. This can make the fantasy world of P, in which I can lose myself and forget my problems very appealing. Working with a counsellor has definitely helped with my anxiety. Would reccomend giving it a shot from personal experience (Would also reccomend meeting a few, and choosing the one who most appeals. Think its really good to feel a rapport with your counsellor when you meet, to feel they are good to talk to).
Keep on keepin' on, and good luck on the journey,
Will.
Been reading your journal and am impressed by your attitude. Don't worry that you had a relapse, if you can help it. Get back on the horse. You'll get there in the end.
Also wanted to ask if you had seen that counsellor you mentioned a while back? The reason I ask is that I know social anxiety can be a real driver of P addiction. I know for myself after working with a counsellor that my social anxiety is a real driver of using P. This is because I fear the world is a really judgemental place, and not somewhere I am going to get alot of love, intimacy, or even sex. This can make the fantasy world of P, in which I can lose myself and forget my problems very appealing. Working with a counsellor has definitely helped with my anxiety. Would reccomend giving it a shot from personal experience (Would also reccomend meeting a few, and choosing the one who most appeals. Think its really good to feel a rapport with your counsellor when you meet, to feel they are good to talk to).
Keep on keepin' on, and good luck on the journey,
Will.