Moving On - This Matters

[lyon03]

I feel for you brother. This is a great thread so keep posting. Even your struggles help PMO addicts like me. As a gay man, I can tell you our community has perfected the hook up site. Quick anonymous sex was always just a few clicks away and man did I gorge at that buffet. But it's just another version of porn/voyeurism. I have a sponsor/buddy from another program who did something that may help. He downgraded to a basic cellphone (just calls/text). You should consider it. You don't see heroin addicts carrying around needles so if your smartphone is just a tool for fixing, change it. Just a suggestion my man. You CAN AND WILL BEAT THIS. We're all here for you. Take care, be well, and stay strong.

 

[chiefmitch88]

Lyon brings up a good point. Getting a basic phone might be a good option.

Another thing that has helped me to develop some self-care practices is a book that another rebooter, Mechanic10, recommended to me. Breaking the Cycle by George Collins. It  really focuses on dealing with your compulsions. It helps to separate me from the "internal noise" that I experience when my urges are peaking. It gives me a way of distancing myself from the person that I used to be. The symptoms of withdrawal that I feel is the droning of my addictive mind. The person that I used to be is just a story that I tell myself and I want to write a new story.

Dust yourself off Guy. I'm right there with you. You have made progress, don't allow the guilt and shame of your addict mind coax you back into the pattern that you came here to break in the first place.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 1 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Lyon03 and Chiefmitch88 thank you both for your kind posts.  Lyon03 that's a good idea.  It would be difficult to explain to everyone as I'm an IT guru and am on the cutting edge.  I thought about filtering apps to non-adult content and loosing the password, but then I can just reset the phone.  I will think about this more.  On principal I'd just like to beat this habit without needing to resort to these measures, but I'm now at the stage of considering all options.
Chiefmitch88, I will see if I can get a copy of Breaking the Cycle by George Collins.  That's a great idea.  A bit of theory might help me move on from this addiction.
Right now my focus is 14 days and 'discipline'.  Exercised today, and am feeling all the better for it. 
Never give up.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 2 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Following on from Chiefmitch88's suggestion about 'Breaking the Cycle' I was thinking about other self improvement programs I have done.  I realised that there are a few really basic and effective things I can do to break this habit now such as writing down all of the negative things about hook up sites.  Something strange happens when we put pen to paper and it can be an effective tool to change habit.  Will focus on that over the next couple of days.
Full day working and then night uni classes so pretty tired, 15 minutes of exercise this morning before leaving for work.

 

[lyon03]

Keep going brother! You're learning the tools of no PMO. In no time, 2 days will be 20, then 200. We'll get there together. I'm cheering for you. Be strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[TheGuy]

Day 3 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Lyon03 absolutely porn is not an option.  Thanks man and we will get there together.
I read this from RedClef88:
"[Porn] always felt better to abuse than to be present with my emotions. Porn helps me get off and feel satisfied, but at a progressively huge cost."'
I thought wow man this is exactly what is happening.  Some where in all these posts I noted here and there some family problems from issues long past.  But I also realise they were issues I had not being dealing but without realising it I've started dealing with them now.  This is probably what has made the last few weeks so hard.  I think stopping addictive behaviour helps us to face the things we are trying to escape from.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 5 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Its been a busy few days and this week will be busy again.  I exercised a few times this week which felt great.  My goal is to keep the motivation and hopefully get back to regular exercise and feeling good.  Going to make time tomorrow to review goals and focus on my priorities.  I feel like I am becoming a serial procrastinator lately.  It's late so will get some shut eye...

 

[TheGuy]

Day 0 - No PMO
Made it to day 6 then I went on a HS and MO again.
Well clearly my forward momentum has stalled.  Its been great forward momentum having reduced PMO from 4 + times a week to 0.  Now I'm a bit stuck on browsing hook up sites.  Hook up sites are a kind of porn I suppose but a very low grade one.
In any case, I'm going to keep working on this problem until it goes away.  I don't know how long that will be right now but no way am I giving up.

 

[TheGuy]

Day .5 No PMO
Hi all, its been 6 days since my last post.  I'm not giving up and am not avoiding posting.  I've just been absurdly busy working and studying in the evenings and having no time for anything essentially.  Well the last 6 days were completely PMO/HS/M/O free.  Then today which is day 7, I finished my major commitments and boom on a hook up site then M/O.
I am going away for the next 4 days and expect that change will help.
I've also finally locked by smart phone from downloading adult applications (like hook up apps) so that is no longer accessible.  I hope that helps.
I am kind of getting sick of hook up sites and this pattern of behaviour.  I hope that feeling is the wave of change in emotion attached to hook up sites which will allow me to kick this little habit for good.  I hope so, I have faith, I believe.  It is just a matter of time before I get past this.  The sure path to success is persistence.  Be good to yourselves.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 3 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Okay, I've been travelling and couldn't get on here.  I probably have too many things to focus on right now and am spinning a little bit.
Before travel, made it 3 days then looked at HS, then 3 days later looked at HS and MO.  Now back to 3 days PMO/HS/M/O free.
Oh, the password I used to lock out adult content on my phone - I remember it.  As hard as I made it and tried to not look at it when making it, my mind refuses to not remember it so I can unlock the adult content anytime I like.  Do I expect to get past 14 days right now?  Right now no, I'm stuck in a rut.  But that's ok, its only temporary.  Right now, I'm taking some time out before I stamp out this apparent addiction.  I have to do it on my time when I'm ready.  I'm making preparations right now.  I've started reading a self improvement book on self discipline.  Due to travel and other stuff I haven't been exercising either.  I will get back to that today.  It might not look like it from where you are sitting but this is moving forward (just a shuffle at a time).

 

[TheGuy]

Day 6 - No PMO/HS/M/O
The last time I viewed PMO was 14/10/14.  That's 62 days ago and before that one instance it was more than 90 days.
While I've viewed naked women on hook up sites, its been a far cry from hours of endless PMO.  And I can tell you, everything is changing.  My sexuality is returning to normal, I have feeling back in my penis rather than the death grip, apart from the occasional HS and MO, I've completely stopped M/O.  I feel like a different and much better man.  And I am massively grateful.  I still occasionally think about PMO but I destroy the thought in a second because I know what a terrible path that leads to.
In many senses, YBOP, this journal and other self improvement has taken me massive strides to a massively positive future.
As I struggle on with giving my next goal to give up HS the proper importance in my mind I feel it deserves I just wanted to stop and say thank you to everyone including YBOP and everyone here for helping me get this far.  The relief and enjoyment I feel to have stopped PMO is immense. 

 

[lyon03]

Well done. Thanks for posting/sharing. I think by HS you mean 'hookup sites'? If yes, this is just another form of addiction: clicking, arousal, expectation, sex, and the guilt/shame. I found that by giving up all the guilty pleasures, I could really start healing. Good look to you and stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 2 - No PMO/HS/M/O
Well its been a few weeks since I posted last.  Lyon03 thanks for your encouragement and challenging thoughts.
I'm very glad to say I have not relapsed at all with Porn for probably 105 days.  That has made a very big difference in my life already.  I am much more confident, stick up for myself, emotionally sound and determined.

I am however still going on to hook up sites, browsing profiles, chatting and MO.  Is this a form of porn?  Yes and no.  It still has naked photos (but not video or other high availability on demand porn).  Its more like the old days of 256kps modems where you have to wait 10 minutes for a 5MB picture.  There is a big difference but it still has some similarities and we can't deny them.
Do hook up sites become addictive and harbour similar damaging qualities to porn?  For me, the answer is yes. I regularly miss the important goals and things I really want to do in life so I can spend time on hook up sites chatting to people I'm not really that interested in.  This is not what I want.  But I'm struggling greatly to overcome this addiction.

I finally managed to get an appointment to talk to a councillor but not until late Jan.  I'm scared to tell them about my hook up site addiction.  Not just because I'm embarrassed but because I'm scared I still will not be able to stop.
So that's where I am at now.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 5 - No PMO/Hook Up Sites/M/O

Another step in the right direction = discipline.  Discipline to ask the right questions of myself.  Asking the right questions can release me from a million emotional battles and a million struggles against addiction.

Some questions I've been asking myself.
1) Where do I want to be in 1 months time?
2) Where do I want to be in 1 years time?
3) Where do I want to be in 3 years time?

  a) What financial circumstances do I want to have?
  b) What health to I want to have?
  c) What social life do I want to have?
  d) What body do I want to have?
  e) What smile do I want to have?
  f) What job do I want to have?
  g) What friends do I want to have?
  h) How do I want to feel?
  i) Do I want to have a partner and who do I want this to be?
  j) What's really important to me?

Will my how I am thinking and my actions today help me to achieve the answer to these questions, or will they hamper them?  Will my action right now help me to achieve my goals or are they taking me away from my goals?  Will how I'm thinking right now, this very second achieve these goals or not?

As I already know, PMO and hook up sites will not lead me to my goals; thinking about PMO and hook up sites will not lead me to my goals.

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing brother. These are all excellent steps. I think you've now written the software so to speak, I look forward to reading you execute the programme. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 1 - No PMO/hook up sites/M/O
There is an old saying, 'everything is hard until its easy'.
Well I relapsed on a hook up site again yesterday.  The frequency of my relapses is getting shorter and shorter.  After making it well over 40 days, then I used to cycle around 14 days, then 12 then 7 and not I'm lucky to get past 4 days without a relapse of hook up sites (but not PMO).
I'm figuring this is part of the process for me as an individual.  Save for that, I have a counselling session scheduled on the 22nd.  I hope they can help but from what I read on here I don't have big expectations of how they can help.  This is something I am going to have to achieve for myself.

I've also renewed reading of my book on self discipline.  I hope that this will help me to engage the discipline necessary to overcome this next stage and final stage of my evolution.  Never give up.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 3.7 - No PMO/hook up sites/M/O
Well here I am at almost day 4 for about the 30th time.

Hi, I'm TheGuy, and I have a problem with hook up sites and pornography.  It all started way back when I was about 18 or 19 when we got the internet and I was living with my parents.  I would wait for 30 minutes just to get a single photo over my 256kb modem.  It was less of a hassle back then.  Later, when I got high speed internet my porn usage escalated to sessions as long as 4 hours sometimes.  After PMO I would feel absolutely disgusted with myself. 

Someone mentioned to me yesterday, 'time is the most valuable thing' and once its gone its gone.  I thought about it; what we associate with time loss, is usually things like working long hours, waiting in queues, waiting on the side of the road after your car breaks down etc.  But for the average porn user, we lose literally years (do the calculation) to porn.  That time we could be doing great, great, great things.  Spending time with family, exercising, read a book, making love to a real man or woman, having a drink with friends and laughing about life, learning how to fly a aeroplane, curing cancer or playing golf.  Become a fucken astronaut.  I'm sure we could all do great things if we could only waste less time on porn. 

A girl I used to know said to me 'the time we waste, isn't wasted time'.  Its true for many things.  Sometimes we need private time, down time to rest and relax, think and ponder, be alone, play a silly game or whatever.  But one thing is for sure, PMO and hook up sites are not the good type of wasted time.  They are the worst type of wasted time.  They are like working over time at a thankless job, or being in a queue for hours, or a long traffic jam because they consume our health, sense of self worth and self value.

I've managed to stop browsing pornography all together for well over 3 months now.  But as I stopped browsing pornography I found another release (arguably a less damaging one) in hook up sites.  its not on demand, its not high speed, I can't browse hundreds of thumbnails for something I find arousing, its just chat with occasional photos.  While its still a form of pornography I prefer to think of it like the old 256kb modem days. 

At first I thought hook up sites were a good way to stop porn, or at least I could stop watching porn but I couldn't or perhaps didn't want to stop going to hook up sites.  Now I've been on here (including in previous threads) for well over 6 months.  I am still browsing hook up sites, still chatting, still getting photos and still...well you know the rest of the story.

And I am still here.  Soon I will find a way.

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for posting so openly and honestly. If I may ask a question: what are you going to do differently this round? No judging brother, just caring.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 4.9 - No PMO/hook up sites/M/O
What will I do differently Lyon?  I'm not sure right now.  But I've been thinking about this quite a lot.  I figure our subconscious minds are in more control than our conscious mind when it comes to addiction such as porn, drugs, gambling etc.  Otherwise we wouldn't do what we know we don't really want to.  But that's just addiction and we all know how it works.

With pornography we spend literally years drumming into our mind this porn thing is ok to do and this is reinforced by tremendous amounts of dopamine rewarding the behaviour.  We've done it thousands of times so why stop?  Our conscious mind knows why and I've explained my understanding of that too many times (see first post in this thread).

So time to start dealing with the complexities of the subconscious mind which is at this stage causing me to go back to hook up sites.

I think its a simple matter of "saturation" and "time" spent tackling this issue
1) We've saturated our mind with pornography by watching it for years.  Our subconscious will not just stop.
2) We are so familiar with it, that we need another way to tell our mind to stop watching it.
3) Basically wehave to counteract the influence of porn on our mind.
4) We have to counteract the influence in a equal or greater way than the porn's influence on us.
5) We have to do this preferably in a quick time (not the decade or more of time it took to influence our mind with porn)

So what do I have?
1) I can continue to read yourbrainonporn.com (I haven't actually read the site for a month or more which I know I should)
2) I can join some kind of support group if one exists (other than this one) so I can tell people my problem in person.  Being honest about our problem is one of the best things we can do.
3) I can write the pros and cons of PMO and hook up sites down
4) I have counselling this Tuesday (where I will have to be honest with the counsellor about my PMO/hook up site problem)
5) I am reading 'The Power of Self-Discipline' by Brian Tracy.  It goes into the reason why we should be disciplined (such as abstaining from porn) because it causes short term gain for massive long term loss.  Very convincing.
6) Celebrate and feel good every time we overcome this problem.  This reinforces to our mind that overcoming porn is good.

But my biggest issue is saturation.  I am not spending the time I need to be spending on this issue.  That's it there.
I will spend more time changing and less time making excuses.

 

[TheGuy]

Day 6 - No PMO/hook up sites/M/O
I wanted to go on to a hook up site today so very much.  I stopped myself.  Great work!
According to Brian Tracy "In the development of character that is based on self-discipline and willpower, long-term thinking is essential.  The more you think about the long-term consequences of your behaviour, the more likely it is that you will do the right thing in the short term."

If I go on to a hook up site, I will continue to stifle my personal development in a serious way.  When I fail and go to a hook up site, afterward I not only feel bad but my self image is lessened because I haven't acted outside of my real values.  Therefore my self esteem is lessened and this effects everything in my life.  The way I feel about myself, the way I talk about myself, the signals I give off to others about who I am.  I don't want this.  I don't want to go to hook up sites anymore.  I don't want to watch porn anymore.  I don't want to feel bad about myself anymore.  I don't want to feel small inside anymore.