How Shall We Escape?
- Thread starter Phineas 808
- Start date
Thanks, DavS.
I made a few changes on my 16 Principles of Recovery (linked in my signature), and added this as principle #1:
1. Approach social media, or entertainment with vigilance, without being overly restrictive.
Identify what trips you up: Facebook, Instagram, Youtube, Twitter, Pinterest, simply getting online (computer or cell phone), T.V., movies, music (audio)?
Know your enemy, know yourself. But don't be legalistic or overly restrictive. Learn to see the problem not as an outside force controlling you, but as all from within you, and under your power to control.
Don't set yourself up for failure, but then don't disempower yourself by placing all the blame on social media or entertainment.
See what other changes I made.
Have a great day!
1. Approach social media, or entertainment with vigilance, without being overly restrictive.
Identify what trips you up: Facebook, Instagram, Youtube, Twitter, Pinterest, simply getting online (computer or cell phone), T.V., movies, music (audio)?
Know your enemy, know yourself. But don't be legalistic or overly restrictive. Learn to see the problem not as an outside force controlling you, but as all from within you, and under your power to control.
Don't set yourself up for failure, but then don't disempower yourself by placing all the blame on social media or entertainment.
See what other changes I made.
Have a great day!
berrylewis29
Member
Phin, thx for the post. I just posted about a recent failure, and your post highlights much of what caused it for me. I had set myself up for failure by letting some benign things like facebook, twitter, etc... trip me up. Even Spotify had begun to trip me up as I was curious about some sexually explicit music and listened to several songs that I knew would be triggering. What started as relatively innocent (and not legalistic) became a stumbling block that sent me headlong into stuff that is definitely not benign.
Good post. I think for me, the trick will be how to reincorporate these innocent things into my life as I am daily becoming more free.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Holy smokes, 80 days! That's outstanding progress. I know it's not first time for you. I wonder what it's like to be 80 days porn free. Anyway, you seem to have found the right formula.
Berry, sorry for your recent struggles.
Check out the entire 16 Principles, because as a whole they may be helpful in finding that balance between living life, and yet being vigilant toward using any of these benign things in a way that feeds into old and unwanted habits.
Typically, I'm in-and-out when it comes to social media. Or, if I'm lingering, is it legitimate? What am I after, and am I doing it mindfully (as opposed to mindlessly)? For sure a wrong approach is to be legalistic and overly restrictive. But we know, also, when we're just feeding our habit...
Wishing you well, and strength.
Thank you, brother! I know you can and will be here, too. You'll do 180 days and beyond!
It's certainly a right formula that took literally decades to work out! You're younger than me, so I hope that you take my lessons, and apply them to yourself, so you can avoid all my mistakes, and be done with this thing at a younger age than me!
You can do it, Escape!
The wife went out of town yesterday, typically a major cue for me.
It was interesting, as I had just been thinking about how I was no longer obsessing after my lapse to MO on August 8th. Because since that time, it's come up as an urge, on and off, to either MO or edge, so as to be reinstated as a habit.
We were kind of rushed out of the house, though I was planning on taking a walk during that time. She mentioned to me how she was to be out of town for an overnighter that following day. And everywhere we went, 3 places before returning home, there were knockout gorgeous women! They seemed to be attracted to me, too!
That night almost in anticipation, there was some edging. But this was stopped.
Overall, I had a good day- it went really fast, and nothing much was done. But in the evening I had more fun relaxing in the backyard, and talked to an old friend.
That evening, I went to bed around 12:00- and couldn't go to sleep. Acted on some things (p-subs), but stopped this, and prayed it through and went to sleep.
I awoke around 3:50, and again acted on p-subs. This took me to 5:00. I was like, "I'm going to keep doing this unless I pray it through." Which I did, then I listened to the Bible on the iPhone app as I went to sleep. Awoke at 7:00 am.
During my struggles, there was no P, PMO or MO. I edged a little, but it wasn't exciting as the previous night. It was like I wanted it to be...
The overall episode showed an ambivalence, not toward P or P-subs, but kind of against it, like there was nothing in it.
Assessment
I do count this as a win, overall. It's a 'set back' only in the sense that I've been struggling to get this far. For this 90 day abstinence challenge, started since lapsing from my 30 day probation period (April 13th), I've lapsed a few times...
I'm still in line to hit my 90+1 day challenge this Thursday.
But, where is the fire, where is the zeal? Do I not hate this sin? Am I ready to leave it behind?
Phineas (in the Bible) could not stand for Yahweh and the repenting Israelites to be offended, and immediately chased Zimri and her lover Cozbi into the tent, and speared them through while in the very act...!
Joseph, even with someone's hot wife grabbing him by the clothes and begging him to f*** her, fled from her, saying,
...how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God? - Gen 39:9b.
Am I Phineas, judging things in my own heart?
Am I Joseph, in the act of fleeing from the wickedness of this age?
Or, am I the type of ground where the weeds and thorns, the cares of this world, the lust for other things (Mt 13, Mk 4, Lk 8), enter in and choke the Word, and it becomes unfruitful?
I don't want just a technical win, but I want to feel this in my heart!
It was interesting, as I had just been thinking about how I was no longer obsessing after my lapse to MO on August 8th. Because since that time, it's come up as an urge, on and off, to either MO or edge, so as to be reinstated as a habit.
We were kind of rushed out of the house, though I was planning on taking a walk during that time. She mentioned to me how she was to be out of town for an overnighter that following day. And everywhere we went, 3 places before returning home, there were knockout gorgeous women! They seemed to be attracted to me, too!
That night almost in anticipation, there was some edging. But this was stopped.
Overall, I had a good day- it went really fast, and nothing much was done. But in the evening I had more fun relaxing in the backyard, and talked to an old friend.
That evening, I went to bed around 12:00- and couldn't go to sleep. Acted on some things (p-subs), but stopped this, and prayed it through and went to sleep.
I awoke around 3:50, and again acted on p-subs. This took me to 5:00. I was like, "I'm going to keep doing this unless I pray it through." Which I did, then I listened to the Bible on the iPhone app as I went to sleep. Awoke at 7:00 am.
During my struggles, there was no P, PMO or MO. I edged a little, but it wasn't exciting as the previous night. It was like I wanted it to be...
The overall episode showed an ambivalence, not toward P or P-subs, but kind of against it, like there was nothing in it.
Assessment
I do count this as a win, overall. It's a 'set back' only in the sense that I've been struggling to get this far. For this 90 day abstinence challenge, started since lapsing from my 30 day probation period (April 13th), I've lapsed a few times...
I'm still in line to hit my 90+1 day challenge this Thursday.
But, where is the fire, where is the zeal? Do I not hate this sin? Am I ready to leave it behind?
Phineas (in the Bible) could not stand for Yahweh and the repenting Israelites to be offended, and immediately chased Zimri and her lover Cozbi into the tent, and speared them through while in the very act...!
Joseph, even with someone's hot wife grabbing him by the clothes and begging him to f*** her, fled from her, saying,
...how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God? - Gen 39:9b.
Am I Phineas, judging things in my own heart?
Am I Joseph, in the act of fleeing from the wickedness of this age?
Or, am I the type of ground where the weeds and thorns, the cares of this world, the lust for other things (Mt 13, Mk 4, Lk 8), enter in and choke the Word, and it becomes unfruitful?
I don't want just a technical win, but I want to feel this in my heart!
I agree about not wanting a technical win!! But based on your journal I do think you are feeling this in your heart! GOD is speaking to you (and me)! You are listening and even though the struggles are real we all will learn to run as Joseph did. Glad you turned to GOD in your time of need and HIS Grace is there everyday! Stay the course and keep up the great work!
Thank you, Jerry! Your words are a great help.
In comparison, this time (and recent times like it) is different than in the past:
I'm not up all night missing sleep due to obsession.
I'm stopping this or that behavior, despite some indulgence, instead of playing it all the way out to P, PMO, or even MO.
The zest for it isn't quite there. I'm not thinking, "This is my time. I deserve this."- Instead I'm thinking, "This is my time, I want to have a genuine good time without obsessing, or acting out, or missing out on sleep, and without secrets!"
I just feel that I should be beyond getting 'cued' by her going out of town for all night! Back in 2016 I did have an almost pure time when she went out, with only a minor thing I shut down (audio).
Well, there may be a 'night-2', but I usually do better on the 2nd night anyway.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Hey, man, I think it's definitely a win to stop yourself before escalating.
guitar1968
Well-Known Member
Glad things are going well Phineas. You have been a big help to me in my success so far and I'm glad I'm along for the ride on your journey as well.
Wishing you continued success.
Wishing you continued success.
Thank you, Escape and Guitar! Your words mean a lot.
Update:
There was a night-2. I relaxed before bed, watched a little T.V., started falling asleep.
I woke up around 3:38 am, feeling very horny. I did edge a little, and it could have went for a while longer, but I reached for my phone, which could also have been a thing. I did type in some foolish searches, but I was like, "Screw it! I'd rather sleep!" And I set the thing aside, and went back to sleep for the rest of the night. There was no P, PMO, or MO.
This time with her being away for 2 nights, while it cued me, and this was acted on in various ways, I was able to stop each time, and as Escape said, not escalate things. I found it very strange that she went out of town for an overnighter right as I'm on the verge of reaching my 90+1 days. But you know what? That's life! This is the very thing these abstinence challenges are training me for- real life! If I wasn't counting days, and was able to walk away from this without crossing my red-lines, that would certainly be a win!
I'm looking forward to hitting my goals, not 'by the skin of my teeth', but rather victoriously, in spite of it all.
I'm not white-knuckling, but am wary and watchful toward falling into those strange ruts where reaching for old comforts seems to be the 'go-to' behavior. I'm still very much a 'work in progress', but Yes, I do see progress.
Update:
There was a night-2. I relaxed before bed, watched a little T.V., started falling asleep.
I woke up around 3:38 am, feeling very horny. I did edge a little, and it could have went for a while longer, but I reached for my phone, which could also have been a thing. I did type in some foolish searches, but I was like, "Screw it! I'd rather sleep!" And I set the thing aside, and went back to sleep for the rest of the night. There was no P, PMO, or MO.
This time with her being away for 2 nights, while it cued me, and this was acted on in various ways, I was able to stop each time, and as Escape said, not escalate things. I found it very strange that she went out of town for an overnighter right as I'm on the verge of reaching my 90+1 days. But you know what? That's life! This is the very thing these abstinence challenges are training me for- real life! If I wasn't counting days, and was able to walk away from this without crossing my red-lines, that would certainly be a win!
I'm looking forward to hitting my goals, not 'by the skin of my teeth', but rather victoriously, in spite of it all.
I'm not white-knuckling, but am wary and watchful toward falling into those strange ruts where reaching for old comforts seems to be the 'go-to' behavior. I'm still very much a 'work in progress', but Yes, I do see progress.
guitar1968
Well-Known Member
Congrats!
Wolfman
Active Member
Congrats Phineas! I think it's very good not escalating and not giving in. But I still think there's work to do in the department.
Instead of thinking whenever your wife has to go out of town "that's my cue"--could you find ways to make it "oh, that gives me a nice opportunity to do [insert hobby, activity, social gathering, intense personal project here]"? Turn things that are potential losses into wins, such that you're in a win-win situation. You have great times with you wife, but you also have great times whenever she has to be out of town.
Indeed, that's life! Perhaps one of the crude things is that while each of us might have deep issues, life as such doesn't generally care--we are extremely lucky if we have loved ones who will naturally care, but they won't care 100% of the time becuase they are not you, only you are you. As long as our loved ones can be there when we need them the most, that's the most important. But the sooner we learn to get on our own feet, do it by ourselves for ourselves, the better. At the end of the day, you becoming porn free and mastering your sexuality is for you, not your wife (though she benefits greatly no doubt). We can't live for others. We can only live for ourselves, and let that "for ourselves" be the best it can be--maybe then we can be for others in ways they need it the most (namely, that we know they need to cultivate their own sense of being for themselves).
White-knucking is only good for very, very short duration, as you well know. The better long term strategy is planting new habits, interests and projects. Like a seed that first starts small and pliant, so do our new projects, but given time and effort (which is like nourishment to the plant), they can grow into sturdy trees that can hold all manner of things! What new projects have you embarked on this year?
Strength and courage, Phineas! You are the best!
Thank you, Wolfman for your encouragement and advice.
However, I wish to comment on a few of your points.
I agree that there's work to do in this department (the wife going out of town), but not exactly for the reasons you stated.
I'm using the term 'cue' in the Pavlov's dog type scenario, like many say 'trigger' in this forum. I'm not saying it like, "She's out of town, the coast is clear!" Or, "She's out of town, that's my signal to act out..." Though you may not have meant either of these, I know I didn't quite use the wording you chose...
I do think along the lines you suggested, as I said in a previous post regarding her going out of town:
And I also stated in previous posts how I enjoyed my time mostly, in the backyard relaxing, talking to an old friend, etc... I stated how typically, my time would be spent obsessing on my habits or addictions, and not having any 'real' fun. But it's no longer like that. When night-time comes, that's still a challenge. I have progressed regarding this.
It may have been my wording, but me 'freaking out' on my wife going out of town wasn't so much as based on a dependency on her, or that I'm doing this for her, or can't do this without her, is definitely not the case. In fact, she's mostly in the dark about my struggles any more. She knows from past divulgence, but other than that, I keep my struggles to myself, not burdening her with my mess.
As for white-knuckling, I said I'm not in that state. Even for a short time, I think it does damage, or at least works against our recovery efforts. I'm usually in a place of not thinking about all this, unless I'm in a place where I'm 'reaching' for these unwanted behaviors, as if they can medicate my pain. It's almost automatic (hence, habit), but that is what I truly need to work on.
In that vein, the new habits, interests, and projects (for long term) are carreer or ministry focused, blog-writing, website related stuff, future planning for fulfilling hopes and dreams regarding usefulness, and other deeper mystical type of endeavors.
In the short term, which is the focus of my previous posts, when that deeper emotional need arises, to turn my focus on my spirituality as what truly meets my hunger and thirst. If, on the other hand, it's simply habit, the lower brain reaching for its dopamine hit, to mindfully and nonjudgmentally breathe through the urges.
Your comments, Wolfman, are always welcome!
However, I wish to comment on a few of your points.
I agree that there's work to do in this department (the wife going out of town), but not exactly for the reasons you stated.
I'm using the term 'cue' in the Pavlov's dog type scenario, like many say 'trigger' in this forum. I'm not saying it like, "She's out of town, the coast is clear!" Or, "She's out of town, that's my signal to act out..." Though you may not have meant either of these, I know I didn't quite use the wording you chose...
I do think along the lines you suggested, as I said in a previous post regarding her going out of town:
And I also stated in previous posts how I enjoyed my time mostly, in the backyard relaxing, talking to an old friend, etc... I stated how typically, my time would be spent obsessing on my habits or addictions, and not having any 'real' fun. But it's no longer like that. When night-time comes, that's still a challenge. I have progressed regarding this.
It may have been my wording, but me 'freaking out' on my wife going out of town wasn't so much as based on a dependency on her, or that I'm doing this for her, or can't do this without her, is definitely not the case. In fact, she's mostly in the dark about my struggles any more. She knows from past divulgence, but other than that, I keep my struggles to myself, not burdening her with my mess.
As for white-knuckling, I said I'm not in that state. Even for a short time, I think it does damage, or at least works against our recovery efforts. I'm usually in a place of not thinking about all this, unless I'm in a place where I'm 'reaching' for these unwanted behaviors, as if they can medicate my pain. It's almost automatic (hence, habit), but that is what I truly need to work on.
In that vein, the new habits, interests, and projects (for long term) are carreer or ministry focused, blog-writing, website related stuff, future planning for fulfilling hopes and dreams regarding usefulness, and other deeper mystical type of endeavors.
In the short term, which is the focus of my previous posts, when that deeper emotional need arises, to turn my focus on my spirituality as what truly meets my hunger and thirst. If, on the other hand, it's simply habit, the lower brain reaching for its dopamine hit, to mindfully and nonjudgmentally breathe through the urges.
Your comments, Wolfman, are always welcome!
Day: 90+1
This is 9/9 toward my current abstinence challenge of 90 days.
This is also 3 months or 13 weeks into this recovery effort, building on previous streaks (139, 19, 53 [19, 35], 2, 14).
Today I hit my main goal of 90 days without P, PMO, or MO, and p-subs or edging are currently not an issue.
90 Day Goal Completed!!
How do I feel?
I'm feeling very hopeful and excited! It dawned on me yesterday that I was really truly hitting my goal! Yesterday was 90 days since seeing or going to a porno website, and since MO'ing to porn. I added a day (+1) to my 90 day counter because I had MO'd on 8/8/21, which was 25 days ago. This was a trick I learned (I believe) from Zarraki.
I am in that place of equanimity, where I'm happy, and not obsessing on anything. There are no compulsions toward any of my unwanted behaviors.
Analysis
This abstinence challenge took me 4x tries, if you count the initial 30 day probationary period began on March 25. At that time I had lapsed after a 139 day streak. So, it's not easy coming back from a lengthy streak, but we did it.
As I say in a previous post: I know what it takes to abstain, the diligence and vigilance required, the mindfulness needed. And I also know what it takes to indulge, the half-hearted sloppiness, the mindless playing around the edges of the porn-pit.
For me now it comes down to either of these choices. Yes, life goes on, with its challenges and triumphs, with its up's and down's. It's not so much about being cued for me as it is about how do I normally conduct myself in the day-in and day-out?
Going Forward
I again have the opportunity to go on, living life without P, PMO or MO. I'm not counting days going forward, but will update how many days abstaining periodically. I plan to outdo my 139 days accomplished last March. And I feel I'm actually in a better place this time around...
However, I already have a system set up for a potential abstinence challenge. I think of it, not as planning for a lapse (as 'porn is not an option'), but as that 'last cigarette' you have no intention of smoking.
How it will work is, in the event of a lapse going forward, I will enter into a 10 day probationary period. If I pass that without further episode, I will continue on without (closely) counting days. But if the lapse is repeated (re-lapse) within that time, I will begin a 40 day abstinence challenge. But, I'm banking on not ever needing it.
I want to thank all of you who follow my journal, and have ever supported me. I won't ever be too far away from your journals, those I watch and support.
God's blessings to All!
This is 9/9 toward my current abstinence challenge of 90 days.
This is also 3 months or 13 weeks into this recovery effort, building on previous streaks (139, 19, 53 [19, 35], 2, 14).
Today I hit my main goal of 90 days without P, PMO, or MO, and p-subs or edging are currently not an issue.
90 Day Goal Completed!!
How do I feel?
I'm feeling very hopeful and excited! It dawned on me yesterday that I was really truly hitting my goal! Yesterday was 90 days since seeing or going to a porno website, and since MO'ing to porn. I added a day (+1) to my 90 day counter because I had MO'd on 8/8/21, which was 25 days ago. This was a trick I learned (I believe) from Zarraki.
I am in that place of equanimity, where I'm happy, and not obsessing on anything. There are no compulsions toward any of my unwanted behaviors.
Analysis
This abstinence challenge took me 4x tries, if you count the initial 30 day probationary period began on March 25. At that time I had lapsed after a 139 day streak. So, it's not easy coming back from a lengthy streak, but we did it.
As I say in a previous post: I know what it takes to abstain, the diligence and vigilance required, the mindfulness needed. And I also know what it takes to indulge, the half-hearted sloppiness, the mindless playing around the edges of the porn-pit.
For me now it comes down to either of these choices. Yes, life goes on, with its challenges and triumphs, with its up's and down's. It's not so much about being cued for me as it is about how do I normally conduct myself in the day-in and day-out?
Going Forward
I again have the opportunity to go on, living life without P, PMO or MO. I'm not counting days going forward, but will update how many days abstaining periodically. I plan to outdo my 139 days accomplished last March. And I feel I'm actually in a better place this time around...
However, I already have a system set up for a potential abstinence challenge. I think of it, not as planning for a lapse (as 'porn is not an option'), but as that 'last cigarette' you have no intention of smoking.
How it will work is, in the event of a lapse going forward, I will enter into a 10 day probationary period. If I pass that without further episode, I will continue on without (closely) counting days. But if the lapse is repeated (re-lapse) within that time, I will begin a 40 day abstinence challenge. But, I'm banking on not ever needing it.
I want to thank all of you who follow my journal, and have ever supported me. I won't ever be too far away from your journals, those I watch and support.
God's blessings to All!
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Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Daaaaamn, man! You look like you have this. I really think you'll make it all the way to the end.
Thank you, Escape! I certainly go forward with both eyes open, knowing what I'm capable of, as in abstaining, but also as indulging.
I want to be that man who does not look at porn, does not masturbate or take advantage of women by being that predator.
Each new day gives us that opportunity to be that different person than we were the day before.
Standing with you, as you walk with me on that journey!
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Bro, the way I see it, you've found what works for you. I want to see you succeed.