The voice I always hear - "What's one more day?"

[SebUK]

Hey mate. Good to hear you're going better today.

It sounds like you have pretty low self-esteem? I also suffer from this. I recommend reading Nathaniel Branden. He's a psychologist who's written some great books on how to improve your self-esteem and why it's so important. I try and do the exercises he recommends each day and it's definitely helping. In fact, if there was one primary cause for my relapsing, I would put it down to low self-esteem. You might be in the same boat?

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Hey mate. Good to hear you're going better today.

It sounds like you have pretty low self-esteem? I also suffer from this. I recommend reading Nathaniel Branden. He's a psychologist who's written some great books on how to improve your self-esteem and why it's so important. I try and do the exercises he recommends each day and it's definitely helping. In fact, if there was one primary cause for my relapsing, I would put it down to low self-esteem. You might be in the same boat?

Oh absolutely suffer from that.  I will check him out.  I also read a lot of Brene Brown, she doesn't focus on self esteem so much as just living a "Whole Hearted" life as she calls it.  She's also huge in shame studies, and that has helped tremendously.  Thank you!

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Day 4 no PMO
Day 2 no MO

Urges still pretty low today.  Last night before sleep I had a pretty significant one, even gave me a little rush, but I didn't give in.  Just let it pass, tried to focus on my tv (which I have on when I sleep, can't stand total silence).

Mentally not as bad today.  Had a good therapy session, she continuously tells me not to beat myself up, and reminds me that the things I did while not good, nothing that I need to harp on for so long after realizing that they were indeed wrong, but not to the level I'm taking it.

Busy day though overall, which helped to distract me.  Need more days like that, although I am exhausted.

Also aware the last time I felt this good mentally I relapsed, so being mindful of that.

Another day down, hope others are feeling good!

 

[escapeandnevercomeback]

I used to relapse too while feeling mentally great, like having a good state of mind wasn't enough.

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

I used to relapse too while feeling mentally great, like having a good state of mind wasn't enough.

Yes!  Absolutely, just feeling good isn't enough, have to feel good and indulge.  Or feeling good somehow deserves a reward.  Bullshit addict mind.

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Day 5 no PMO
Day 0 no MO

I'm not mad about the MO, I woke up with extreme morning erection.  But I knew better than to just lay in bed.  I do want to make it on a nice streak of not doing that, so I'll keep trying.  Good news is I had no desire to watch porn or fantasize about it, so I'll take the good I guess.

Made it back home to my parents house.  Already nice to be here.  Feels good to be around people again haha.  Didn't think about P once tonight (or at least not until I came down to my room haha).

Today was as good as I felt in the last 6 months.  I hope this continues.  Still not ideal, still have the intense negative thoughts, but able to put it out of my mind a good bit today.  On the drive home was able to listen to music and enjoy it, first time in awhile as well.

Regardless if I don't feel this good tomorrow, I'm going to enjoy the feeling tonight.  Take care all!

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Day 1 no PMO
Day 1 no MO

Ugh.  I was feeling so good on Friday and Saturday.  Then Saturday I got hit with an urge out of nowhere and it lingered (or I let it lingered).  I even called a friend to talk about it, but I still gave in Saturday night.  What's worse is I even kind of planned to relapse after I went to bed.  Then Sunday was a struggle all day as well.

Only good thing is that some of the genres I escalated to previously were not attractive to me.  So some progress there I hope?

Negative thoughts returned pretty heavily on Sunday, and I'm sure it's related to relapse.  Today has been okay mentally, but I feel like a creep again.  Feel like I can't escape the things I did and like I'm marked for life.  Just keeps me swimming in this addiction.

It was so much easier to avoid PMO when I was truly depressed and miserable.  Feeling decent is good mentally, but it seems to make me less capable to fight the urges.  Have to work on that with my therapist.

One other thing.  PMO now has this feel to it like it's not something I should be doing.  So it has kind of a forbidden feeling to it (which is a huge part in some of the "plots" of P, so kind of like doubling down on that forbidden feeling).  But it adds this level of anxiety to it that a gives me a rush and is intoxicating in it's own right.  Anyone experience that when first trying to quit?

Hope others are doing better!

 

[SebUK]

Day 1 no PMO
Day 1 no MO

Ugh.  I was feeling so good on Friday and Saturday.  Then Saturday I got hit with an urge out of nowhere and it lingered (or I let it lingered).  I even called a friend to talk about it, but I still gave in Saturday night.  What's worse is I even kind of planned to relapse after I went to bed.  Then Sunday was a struggle all day as well.

Only good thing is that some of the genres I escalated to previously were not attractive to me.  So some progress there I hope?

Negative thoughts returned pretty heavily on Sunday, and I'm sure it's related to relapse.  Today has been okay mentally, but I feel like a creep again.  Feel like I can't escape the things I did and like I'm marked for life.  Just keeps me swimming in this addiction.

It was so much easier to avoid PMO when I was truly depressed and miserable.  Feeling decent is good mentally, but it seems to make me less capable to fight the urges.  Have to work on that with my therapist.

One other thing.  PMO now has this feel to it like it's not something I should be doing.  So it has kind of a forbidden feeling to it (which is a huge part in some of the "plots" of P, so kind of like doubling down on that forbidden feeling).  But it adds this level of anxiety to it that a gives me a rush and is intoxicating in it's own right.  Anyone experience that when first trying to quit?

Hope others are doing better!

Sad to hear mate. But don't worry, just keep going. You can do this!

Your relapse pattern sounds incredibly similar to mine. I very frequently relapse on Friday and Saturday. This is often correlated with going out and doing something social and having a drink, and usually seeing some pretty girls and feeling frustrated. I would say these are the 'negative' triggers. But like you, my other triggers, strangely, are positive. Like when I'm feeling good I will suddenly have a desire to look at P and will give in despite realising how stupid this is. I would say the 'forbidden' aspect you mention comes into it. For me, I'm pretty sure it is because it is exciting. Often when I relapse in this way, I'm feeling dull / bored / unmotivated. Porn, even though it is completely maladaptive, in the short term does at least provide some excitement. My question for you is were you craving excitement on Saturday?

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Your relapse pattern sounds incredibly similar to mine. I very frequently relapse on Friday and Saturday. This is often correlated with going out and doing something social and having a drink, and usually seeing some pretty girls and feeling frustrated. I would say these are the 'negative' triggers. But like you, my other triggers, strangely, are positive. Like when I'm feeling good I will suddenly have a desire to look at P and will give in despite realising how stupid this is. I would say the 'forbidden' aspect you mention comes into it. For me, I'm pretty sure it is because it is exciting. Often when I relapse in this way, I'm feeling dull / bored / unmotivated. Porn, even though it is completely maladaptive, in the short term does at least provide some excitement. My question for you is were you craving excitement on Saturday?

Hey SebNZ, I was just sitting in the living room talking with my parents and having a good time.  I do suppose the trigger came during a lull in the conversation.  Which does seem to be the case with my other relapses.  Two of the three times I've been feeling good, but also a bit bored when the big urge came.  One time was when I was sleeping, and here when I was just sitting in the living room but not engaged in the moment.  I would sit on that same couch and browse and bookmark P for later when they were watching some show I wasn't interested in.  So some trigger there I'm sure.  And looking at P with parents in the same room, ugh, so gross.

I do like what you said about the excitement feeling, it is exciting, especially the first watch during a relapse.  Intoxicating.  Guess just need to fine more things to fill out the day, or have a plan for when a big urge hits.

Thanks man!

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Day 2 no PMO
Day 2 no MO

Urges not so bad.  Working plays a big role in that.  Very mentally taxing, which is a good thing.  Still having a good bit of sexual thoughts, but it's just gateway.  Have sex thought, then have porn thought, then PMO.  Hope the sexual thoughts go down the longer I can go without PMO/MO.  I don't like sexualizing women like this.  Makes me feel creepy.

Mentally alright today. Self hating is still there pretty frequently.  Not as powerful, but not sure if that is just because I'm around my parents and have to contain myself?  Going to try to get out of the house for a bit tonight, just go to the store or on a drive.  That seems to help alleviate the heavy feeling of negativity.

I cannot say this enough, fuck you addiction.

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Day 3 no PMO
Day 3 no MO

Urges there today, but nothing too severe.  I do feel the addict trying to bargain with me, like I can make a nice streak then indulge and it won't be an addiction.  Or I can go several months and that will erase the addiction and then I can use sparingly like "normal" people.  Even if all that BS was true, I don't want to anymore.  Tired of having a relationship with a screen.  The sexual thoughts and fantasy I need to go though, they're driving me nuts, makes me feel creepy.

Mentally not so bad today.  Still, as always, have my moments where my stomach sinks, and I feel like there is no escape, but not as powerful.  I've no reason to believe the longer I stay away from P, the more these thoughts will lose their power of me and dissipate.  It's all connected.  My self loathing doesn't stem from the addiction, but the addiction is certainly fueling it right now.  As I've said, I didn't start to feel this bad until I deleted all of my bookmarks.  Later that same week when I was feeling really shitty, I deleted everything I had downloaded.  Then I felt the worst after that.  Since then, just been limping on, not realizing the addiction was the main culprit.  I've other work to do for myself as well, but this fucking addiction is the main enemy, I'm sure.  Or at least it manifests itself as the addiction...either way, I don't want this pain in my life, even if the P isn't the cause of it, I don't want P in my life either.

And just because I like saying it...fuck you addiction.

 

[escapeandnevercomeback]

That's right. After abusing porn for years and becoming addicts, we don't control porn but porn controls us because a definition of addiction is that the drug is in control. At this point we can't use "sometimes" because this means we try to control it. The only way to escape the addiction is by complete starvation of the addicted brain until it "understands" that it needs to change because the drug won't come. And after we are done with porn addiction why should we use "sometimes" anyway? There is actually no benefit in watching porn, there is no point in watching. After we are done with porn, the craving is gone and then we don't want to watch anyway if we choose to, in comparison to this point where we are addicts and we want to watch so bad. Stay strong and have patience because it will take a while. We need to prepare for the suffering that will come because without the suffering there is no way out. If you don't suffer it means you are not trully a porn addict.

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Thanks escape, all true!  There isn't a benefit, like driving around in a circle for hours, sure you can do it, but why?

Day 4 no PMO
Day 4 no MO

Urges weren't bad at all today for P.  Urges to MO are pretty significant.  Especially last night in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep.  First time I've been able to force myself to think about other things and then eventually sleep.  Urges to MO when I wasn't working today were bad too.  Lots of sexual thoughts (mostly past memories of sexual experience...surprised I can remember that far back at this point ).  I don't mind the memories, they're good memories, but I wish they wouldn't be so prominent on my mind.  Which again, I know is the addiction...or so God I hope.

Mentally alright again today.  Probably not as good as yesterday, even being around my parents I sometimes think how ashamed they'd be of me for the addiction, and even if not the addiction, just the few things I've mentioned before.  Like they wouldn't want me in the house.  I know that's illogical (and if it was actually true, then that isn't someone who loves me anyway) and they wouldn't react that way.  But that's how I feel with virtually everyone in my life.  Like I'm hiding from them, like I'm being fraudulent and lying to them about who I am just so I can keep my friends and family.  I also know that is illogical, as I'm the only one suffering for the things I did.  No one else is, and no one else would have.  Even through my self loathing, when it occasionally involved another person, really had nothing to do with them, and I made sure it wouldn't affect them, which just made me hate myself more.  Nothing like holding yourself responsible for doing something to someone that you actually didn't do.

Work also very stressful, which in the past would lead me to escape with alcohol, or P, or even through chasing after women who I knew I couldn't be with (I have issues going back a long time haha).  But I don't do any those things anymore, so just kicking my own ass as usual, but with no escape...well, no unhealthy escape at least, no more quick fix.  Some days will always suck though, just learning how to deal with that normally I suppose.

Goodnight all.

 

[escapeandnevercomeback]

I know, man. Sometimes I have this feeling too; that I disappoint my parents by not being 100% because of this fuckin addiction. Sometimes I have this thought that the might think I'm doing this shit on purpose; having no motivation to do anything. Sometimes I just want to tell everyone why I'm like that but I couldn't bring myself to the point of having even the slightest courage to do it. But you know, sometimes I have this feeling that maybe I haven't beat this shit yet because I kept it to myself. I had no support because I did in on my own. I guess I came to Reboot Nation trying to find some support and a way to say that I have a problem.

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Thanks escape.  Being on here and sharing definitely does help.

Day 5 no PMO
Day 5 no MO

Urges again not too bad today.  Saw an album cover when I was listening to Spotify that was really provocative that caused a pretty good urge, but it thankfully didn't last.  Sadly there is no avoiding triggers with something like this as it has to do with attraction.  But hopefully they won't be so strong soon.

Today was okay mentally.  Still not good, but not crippling either.  Pretty much the status quo for this week.  I hope it gets better.  Still not feeling as good as I was before I relapsed last week, I'm hoping that's partially or mostly withdrawal.  But I really can't imagine never not hating myself for the things I did.

The last three weekends have resulted in relapses for me, so I'm trying to cognizant of that this weekend.  Just making sure I have enough to fill my day.  And I'll spend more time on here should I get any big urges.

Have a good weekend all.

 

[akpal2]

Hak, good luck for the weekend. Watch out. You're going well. Also the fact that in your last relapse you didn't feel like going to extreme genres is definitely progress

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Thanks ak, but unfortunately I already fucked up.  Just couldn't shake it.  But I'm not doing it the rest of the weekend like I normally would.  Could mean insomnia all weekend, but I don't care.  Fuck you addiction.

 

[escapeandnevercomeback]

We have to do this shit, man. Number 1 thing is avoiding to give us a dopamine high through porn and super sexualized thoughts.

 

[SebUK]

Fuck you addiction - right on!!

Do you have the ability to remove phone/laptop on Friday or Saturday night if that's your danger time? Even if you only do it for a few weekends. If you're like me, once you get some momentum going, relapsing becomes less likely. It's when you're in that pit of despair that you need to use the 'nuclear options' like putting your phone in a place you can't get it etc. It just buys you some time.

 

[Chris Oz]

Keep fighting THK