My Reboot Journal

[Redalc]

Today was a long day. I guess I wasn?t really struggling with urges. Just struggling with loneliness and a little depression. Which I?m afraid will push me to want to numb that pain with PMO. Of course I know it?s no longer an option. And I?ve made that determination but it?s still scary. Anyhow. I?m close to a month with no PMO. Grateful for that. Gotta keep pushing on. Thanks for being there to read this guys.

Day 24 all done.

 

[Redalc]

Today was good for the most part. I don?t really remember many urges. Kept myself preoccupied for the most part, although I was extremely lazy. Fighting with the struggle of trying to get my life in order and figured out. Looking for opportunities and not having much success. Anyhow. Decent day as far as PMO rebooting goes. Trying to keep my head away from it and trying to keep track of what triggers could happen as a result of my actions so I can avoid them. Watched another video from Noah Church today, lot of the same already heard info, but the more I watch it over and over again the more it makes sense and I can understand fully what?s going on. Still a bit overwhelmed but learning as I go. Thanks all.

Day 25 is done.

 

[Redalc]

I?m so close to a month now. That?s not the longest I?ve ever made it, but it is the longest I?ve ever made it without having some huge new circumstance taking up my life and making me super busy so that I literally have no time to even think about PMOing. Excited to keep going. Nervous about what could be coming. But I?m just hoping that my brain will be getting rid of those leftover loose ends that are supposed to start dying off at 4 weeks. I had a fine day today. Nothing serious, stayed fairly occupied so didn?t really have any urges. Thankful for the relative ease thus far. One day at a time.

All done with Day 26

 

[Redalc]

4 weeks. Made it 4 weeks. I honestly can?t tell right now if I am struggling because of PMO withdrawals or just other things going on I?m dealing with in life. Tonight was really hard. Trying to move forward. Goodnight

Day 27.

 

[worth_it]

Keep on going Redalc, it may seem impossible but that's just because you haven't experienced such freedom before. Praying for deep peace in the place you're in right now.

 

[Redalc]

Thanks for reaching out worth_it. Grateful that there are those willing to pray and be supportive.

Today was fine, didn?t really have any urges, just have zero motivation. Stayed busy, went out for breakfast with my siblings, studied and watched movies and played games with friends. Kept my mind busy and off of anything PMO related, although I have to be extremely cautious what I watch, and be aware if anything suggestive or even scantly clothed women pop up. Or just attractive women, it?s sad. But the first thing I used to do was go look up those actresses on Porn sites and try to find videos or images of them in those situations. Unfortunately that?s caused a response in my mind that is something I wasn?t completely aware of until now. I?ve cut back on everything I watch, and refuse to watch a lot of stuff I used to that was higher rated with sexuality and nudity in it. Should have done that long time ago. Common sense, yet still kicking myself for allowing it right now. Anyhow.

All done with day 28.

 

[Redalc]

Made it through today. Although seems like just barely because I?m able to occupy myself with other things soes not to fall into struggling with PMO or life in general. Work should be starting back up again this week. That should keep me busy and distracted during the day. That?ll be nice.

Day 29 all done.

 

[worth_it]

I feel your pain man, it's been all about occupying myself lately. I know it'll get better for both of us, but for now just staying busy, staying close to God, hanging with friends, working through whatever stress/anxiety/emotional pain is occurring in a healthy way! This is hard but it's so dang important. You inspire me to keep pushing forward.

 

[Redalc]

Thanks for reaching out worth_it. Encouraged by your words and story and just the fact that someone else is dealing and going through this the like I am.

It?s day 30. One whole month. To be honest. I really don?t see or feel any huge changes or benefits yet, other then just thinking back and being thankful that I don?t have to feel constantly ashamed of myself for the things I?ve done and looked at. I hope this next month is better. I really think life itself is just in an unknown place for me right now, and that plus the flatline like symptoms caused by it are making it really hard to be positive and encouraging to myself through all this. Anyway. Today I don?t really remember having any triggers, PMOwise anyway. That?s good. But again. I still feel like I?m just scraping by, and that?s only by keeping my self preoccupied, i don?t really know if I wasn?t preoccupied if anything?s been healed or if I would just fall right back into old habits. Thanks all who read and care.

Day 30 all done.

 

[worth_it]

Congrats on 30 days Redalc! It may not feel like much, but stuff is going on in your brain that hasn't happened in a long time, and you're fighting your body's every 2 week urges. You made it past 4 weeks, and now a full month without PMO. Things will start changing for better for you, I know that. Just keep going strong.

 

[Redalc]

Today was long. Again, the urges to PMO I wasn?t hit with super bad. Maybe a little bit. But I?m in a state of mind right now that is just lacking any kind of energy or motivation to do anything, anxious, not really happy about anything, just feel like I?m kind of existing. Not really sure if it?s a result of PMO abstaining or not. I kind of hope it is and that it will go away in time. Otherwise I?m not sure how to fix it. I made it through the day fine without giving in, tomorrow work starts up again so that?ll keep me busy even if I?m not looking forward to it at all. Applied for a new job today, would be nice to get but we shall see. Spent most of the off time today just studying, praying, and just trying to process what?s going on with me and how to get past it.

Thanks for following up on me worth_it, I?m encouraged by your words and thankful for your story, even your trial in thankful for. I?m sure you wish it wasn?t happening just as much as myself with mine. But you going through this is helping me as I go through it. Appreciate you.

End of day 31.

 

[Redalc]

So, this is a post for two days. I missed last night due to some circumstances. I haven?t PMoed. Haven?t even been tempted too. Probably because of everything else that?s been going on. My whole life is upside down. I?m completely broken, zero desires, zero motivation, super bad attitude, all I want to do is sleep so I don?t have to function or think about what?s going though my head. This could be partially a flatline, but more likely it?s just worse because of a flatline adding to the pain and struggles I?m going through. At this point, this is becoming somewhat of a journal in itself due to me not really being able to tell what?s PMO related and what?s other life related. Anyhow, I broke down last night. Just completely broke. Basically, it hit me the reality of my recent breakup. I gave all of everything for this girl, and the intent was to get married, I was this close to buying a ring. Then everything ended due to issues we have in differences of beliefs and what we aren?t willing to compromise on. Anyhow. That, coupled with no idea what I should be doing with my life, not understand what all God wants me to do, not understanding how to keep going past this, plus I?m sure the flatline has just broke me. I cried and I don?t mean cried but just full out wept and sobbed for probably 20 minutes straight. Fell asleep out of necessity, woke up and went to work this morning, feeling absolutely sick in everyway, thought I was gonna pass out, vomit, or just die at multiple times today. Randomly would almost start crying as a result of images and thoughts coming into my head. Hopelessness I am struggling with. I find some consolation in the fact that I have been clean for over 30 days and that is an achievement for me. But gosh everything else is weighing down. I realize this isn?t a forum for all the other problems, but I had to get this out there. Hurting really bad tonight also, and I?m sure for a really long time hereafter. Just want it to be over and done with but I don?t know how to get there. This is being posted a little early for my usual days posting, but that?s cause I am at a loss for what even to do tonight besides just go to bed super early. Anyhow. One day at a time.

Day 32 and 33 survived.

 

[worth_it]

Dang Redalc, I'm sorry that happened. Sure this is a recovery forum but we're all trying to find new ways to handle pain here, and journaling is an awesome way to do that. Going through a breakup, especially one as painful as yours sounds, is awful and wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. I'm praying for you dude, for guidance in where God's taking you, for finding new joys in life that will help you heal, and for continued strength to overcome this urge. Well done on 33 days, you're killing it!

 

[Redalc]

Thanks for the encouragement. I gotta say. I don?t feel good at all. Almost like I?m in shock. Trying to overcome. Trying to find encouragement and peace. Spoke with two of my siblings today. That was encouraging. Moving forward. I didn?t have an PMO urges today. That part of me is pretty dead right now. But I?m really thankful for this forum and journal. It?s given me 1 good thing to focus on. I just want to overcome this and be healthy as a result so I can move forward with other parts of life. It?s gonna be a long hard weekend but I hope it gets better.

Day 34 all done

 

[Redalc]

Today was ok. To be honest. The struggle to PMO is not super hard right now. It?s more of a general life struggle. The word that comes to mind is frail. Or fragile. I feel like I can break apart at any moment. I?ve realized that my personality is to give all of myself for those I love, and to commit completely and dive in fully no matter what. So, in doing so in my relationships with people, whether with a SO or anyone. When I start that relationship and invest in it. I give myself completely. And I am so unwaveringly loyal. To the point where it becomes the most important thing to me. Thus, as a result of that relationship ending, it is like loosing someone. Like they died. And yet, even worse because they didn?t die, they are still there and so there is a hope that someday they might change their mind and the relationship status could go back to what I thought it always was mutually when really it was just myself fully committed and the other person I misinterpreted their motives. So I?m basically in a state of grieving. Call me what you will. Guys aren?t supposed to struggle with this, guys are the ones who always end relationships for the wrong reasons and are insensitive, well that?s bullcrap. Being soft, and caring, and humble are truly admirable qualitys, standing up for what you believe is right, loving unconditionally, giving all of yourself to make someone else happy and being open to growth is and has been in my life something that I have struggle with accepting as being masculine. But it?s the way I am. And I?m done being sorry for it. I?m hurt. And I realize my struggle with PMO has contributed to that. And it?s one thing I can fix right now. So I want to fix it. It?s the one really amazing thing that is going on right now. I?m at 35 days. And I don?t want to fall. I?m sure it will get hard and I know it could get hard at any given moment. But I am so thankful for this forum and those who have gone before to start giving me and others the info and support needed to overcome this. Sorry if this is all random, and isn?t written super great. It?s just the way it came out tonight. I?m trying to keep going with life and I am broken and scared, but I?m gonna try and keep going one day at a time. I hope it gets easier.

Day 35 all done.

 

[Redalc]

Another day of going between feeling strong and feeling terribly anxious and small and broken. Didn?t have any temptations to look at P or MO today. I?m glad for that. Work Week starts tomorrow, not looking forward to that. Hopefully can get it done and focus when I get off on doing something productive. Not a lot to say right now. Just trudging on it feels like. Thankful for this place to write a journal. And to know people care enough to look. Appreciate it guys.

Day 36 all done.

 

[Redalc]

Mornings are so ridiculously hard. Last night was a struggle. Dreaming all night of sexual things, extremely graphic images and thoughts which are sad in themselves, but all of this took place imagining with the girl that I was in a relationship with. Making it that much harder to wake up and deal with the shame of dreaming those things as well as the pain of her not being in my life anymore. Mornings just suck so much.

 

[Dantes]

Hi Redalc, it seems you are in a difficult spot currently. But what it also looks like from the outside is that you are given the opportunity to face life's struggles face-to-face, now that the PMO is less and less numbing your feelings. I hope you can power through and find motivation and discipline to carry yourself over this. But we got all got to defeat our dragons to get to that gold, so to say. One day you will look back and be thankful that you gave yourself the opportunity to feel this miserable and not numbing your feelings. It will soon also be time for you to start building other things in life aside from nofap, so that your self-worth isn't based solely on abstaining from porn. but take it slowly, be patient and success will come to you. I really wish you can make it.

 

[worth_it]

Hey Redalc! You're killing it, 36 days dude. Remember that this is extremely far and you're starting to really reboot your brain here. The fact that you're doing it through a really hard time mentally and emotionally is just extra credit to you and God for empowering you to do that. I am sorry though that this previous relationship keeps getting at you, that's no fun at all. But remember, it'll pass. Keep filling your life with good things and practice gratitude to God for the things you do have right now. Write a list down of the things you're thankful for, it can be as simple as having a house and having food in your refrigerator, for the changing of the seasons to spring. That's a huge thing that helps me when I'm down. Hang in there, this will pass and you are getting stronger every day for it.

 

[Redalc]

Thanks for reaching out and for the encouragement guys. I?m working on building other things in life. I?ve got some ideas for projects I want to do, trying to get them up and running. As well as get a new job and move somewhere new potentially.
Here?s my limited list of things I?m thankful for. It could go on and on and should go on and on I?m sure.

Gods Grace through trials
Gods mercy and gift of salvation
My family
My older siblings who are super encouraging and trying to help me in anyway they can
My living situation is really great due to the cost of living is very little so I can save a lot of money
I live in Alaska and it?s absolutely gorgeous
My church
Friends
Comforts of home
I have my own vehicle that?s running
I?m not sick
36 1/2 days of Nofap no Porn
Stories, deep moving stories
My grandparents living nearby
Safety on slick roads in the winter
I?m provided for in so many ways and I rarely have to do anything for it.
God is good and has blessed and provided in so many things.

Just got off work, gonna take a shower and then see what I can make happen tonight.