So, this is a post for two days. I missed last night due to some circumstances. I haven?t PMoed. Haven?t even been tempted too. Probably because of everything else that?s been going on. My whole life is upside down. I?m completely broken, zero desires, zero motivation, super bad attitude, all I want to do is sleep so I don?t have to function or think about what?s going though my head. This could be partially a flatline, but more likely it?s just worse because of a flatline adding to the pain and struggles I?m going through. At this point, this is becoming somewhat of a journal in itself due to me not really being able to tell what?s PMO related and what?s other life related. Anyhow, I broke down last night. Just completely broke. Basically, it hit me the reality of my recent breakup. I gave all of everything for this girl, and the intent was to get married, I was this close to buying a ring. Then everything ended due to issues we have in differences of beliefs and what we aren?t willing to compromise on. Anyhow. That, coupled with no idea what I should be doing with my life, not understand what all God wants me to do, not understanding how to keep going past this, plus I?m sure the flatline has just broke me. I cried and I don?t mean cried but just full out wept and sobbed for probably 20 minutes straight. Fell asleep out of necessity, woke up and went to work this morning, feeling absolutely sick in everyway, thought I was gonna pass out, vomit, or just die at multiple times today. Randomly would almost start crying as a result of images and thoughts coming into my head. Hopelessness I am struggling with. I find some consolation in the fact that I have been clean for over 30 days and that is an achievement for me. But gosh everything else is weighing down. I realize this isn?t a forum for all the other problems, but I had to get this out there. Hurting really bad tonight also, and I?m sure for a really long time hereafter. Just want it to be over and done with but I don?t know how to get there. This is being posted a little early for my usual days posting, but that?s cause I am at a loss for what even to do tonight besides just go to bed super early. Anyhow. One day at a time.
Day 32 and 33 survived.