Hey Jerry! Sorry to hear about your little relapse, but as you stated, you have come so far and you will only continue to get stronger. I'm getting more and more uncomfortable with counting days and just focusing on being the best me I can be. Some days I won't be as good as others, but I've come way too far to just go back to the daily grind of PMO. I know I will masturbate again, certainly not nearly as often and not with porn on my screen. I don't know if I will ever get it out of my head, too many years of it being smashed in there, but I know I am far better off than I was several months ago. I'm sure you will continue on that path as well and if you falter here or there, you just get right back up, dust yourself off and keep moving forward. I think we can't be so hard on ourselves when we succumb once in a while. If you head down a path of week or month long binges, well that is a different story. But even then, getting back on the horse is still the best way to move forward.Long post here but it's been awhile with vacation since I have been on this site. Well vacation was good but came back to a slew of work and stress. Then came some immediate travel. On day 112 I am going to say that I had a relapse. Here's the situation. Found myself alone in my hotel room and working. Begin p-sub and edging with IG and others. Over the past 112 days I have been fighting these battles but I found the urge to keep clicking was so incredible strong. So I did click one time where I shouldn't have and a P video started playing. On a positive note, in my past that would have led to hours of straight P use and multiple PMOs throughout the night. The good news of all of this is I closed my phone in less than one minute into the video but the imagery was vivid in my mind and I MO. So whether I'm being too hard on myself which is likely, I feel this was a "relapse" as in the past 112 days I have not even gotten that far. But this time the click, the video started and I watched briefly but it lead to MO.
The amount of guilt and shame from this event consumed me throughout the rest of the evening and eventually found solace in praying and reading my bible. GODS grace is amazing and has helped me push through. I almost didn't even want to come on here and post as the guilt, shame, and disappointment was so severe. However, I know we are all going through this journey together and I wanted to write about this experience as it does also give me some peace.
I wake this morning still with some guilt and disappoint, but I know how far I have come in this journey. Therefore, I decided to "restart another reboot" and continue on my journey to eventually not giving in to those clicks that start a video. The strength & endurance I have gained did assist in me not watching the entire video but the MO to the imagery of what I saw is unacceptable. In the last 112 days without PMO and only 5 MOs has been incredible, but this new journey will now begin with the goal to eliminate MO as well.
GOD Bless you all !
1 Corinthians 6: 18-20
That's great Jerry. I think even after just 100+ days our attitudes and lives are being changed. The fact that you didn't let it lead you right back down the path of binging porn proves that. Congratulations on continuing on the path.@guitar1968 Thanks for the encouragement. Yes I do agree with you but that evening was the one time since this journey began I actually let a video start to play. I am happy and somewhat amazed as in the past I would have binged P most of the evening. Turned it off did the deed (MO) and stayed awake with guilt, shame, and disappointment. With that said I am actually at peace now and feel like that evening:
1. Made me stronger
2. Realized I may always be battling some temptations
3. Alcohol played a role in this situation... Had dinner function with wine and an old fashioned.. NO MORE fueling that fire when I travel
4. I don't want to go back of the endless cycle of continuous PMO
I am not in "the dark place" I once was which is refreshing. Nice job on your own streak and stay strong brother!!
Definitely sending positive vibes your way. Lack of intimacy has been a huge part in sending me deeper into this addiction. I felt that if I wasn't getting it from her, it was up to me and it was better than cheating. I then got sucked in even further than I was before. My marriage is falling apart and I think lack of intimacy is playing a huge part. Even though I know a big part of this is my own doing, it still is hard to go forward each day in a marriage without love, touching, and yes, sex. That connection is important. My wife and I don't even sleep in the same bed any longer. We're basically co-parenting roommates. I already feel like the marriage has slipped away.Doing pretty good and really not "counting days" anymore. Staying away from PMO, edging, and P subs. My biggest issue/trigger know is the wife and the lack of intimacy I'm facing. As I mentioned before this was "my excuse to binge PMO" any chance I got! Well I'm not that man anymore but tonight we will have some difficult and uncomfortable conversations that need to happen. Not just about this journey which she is aware of but also some "other marital issues". Our marriage is strong but these conversations really bend but don't break us! I am prayerful that tonight allows us to move forward. Any positive vibes and prayers from the group are appreciated!
Thanks @guitar1968 ! I don't think our marriage has gotten to that point but I do feel if we don't have honest and high level communication it is heading that direction. I am sorry about your situation and I realize that stress cause(d) triggers that lead to PMO. I am so glad regardless of the marital situation we both aren't going back to our past PMO for release of this stress.. Or as I like to say I deserve it cause you don't give me what I need!! Keep your spirits up and I appreciate your journal and journeying alongside you!Definitely sending positive vibes your way. Lack of intimacy has been a huge part in sending me deeper into this addiction. I felt that if I wasn't getting it from her, it was up to me and it was better than cheating. I then got sucked in even further than I was before. My marriage is falling apart and I think lack of intimacy is playing a huge part. Even though I know a big part of this is my own doing, it still is hard to go forward each day in a marriage without love, touching, and yes, sex. That connection is important. My wife and I don't even sleep in the same bed any longer. We're basically co-parenting roommates. I already feel like the marriage has slipped away.
Anyway, sorry for venting on your journal. I didn't even realize that was coming out. We've been fighting a lot lately and I'm pretty jaded at this point. Trying to keep my spirits up and keep moving forward. No matter what's going on, going back to porn isn't going to solve anything.
Good luck Jerry. I hope your conversations prove fruitful. I always start the conversations with my wife hoping for something good to happen, inevitably we end up yelling and blaming each other for everything. Ugh.