I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

[jonazo91]

Posting here again after another in a string of daily relapses. It's got to stop. I need to improve. I'm going to start posting here more regularly again, as holding myself accountable is necessary and I can't even pretend to be trying to get better if I don't hold myself to that bare minimum. As for now, it's way past time for bed so I'm going to keep this short.

I just want to extend my so-called "post-nut clarity" for the rest of my life. It feels good to be completely disgusted with porn, even though it comes only after letting myself down again.

My plan is to focus on dopamine replacement, and once again, routine. Filling my downtime moments with productive, positive activities (or sleep). Really, it seems simple enough when I think of it that way. And yet I fail constantly. But again, a momentary failure doesn't mean it's time to give up. I know all this stuff. But there's nothing to do but continue to drill it in.

Good night. Will post again tomorrow.

 

[jonazo91]

Checking in, still struggling. I started looking at pics for no reason at all (just bored and tired, I guess), but I wasn't really feeling it. At this point, I could have just stopped and cut my losses, but instead I rationalized, "oh, what if I just fixate and edge (dare myself to relapse all the way for hours) now, I better just finish and get it over with." So I "finished" to some softer YouTube content as some kind of compromise.

The crazy thing is, it's not completely false that I could have just dragged it out and edged for hours instead, which yes, would be worse. But the problem with that logic is, I'm in control the whole time. It's just my addiction bargaining with myself. I don't have to give in to what are essentially threats. Part of me wanted to stop and was fully ready to stop. But instead, I rationalized away so I could get another hit. It's all me. I get to choose which part of my brain to listen to at all times. The sad thing is, this time a big part of me wanted to stop. It was in my power to stop, but I didn't. And now I'm back to the drawing board.

It's the middle of the day now, which is always a weird time for a relapse because now I have to get right back into the swing of things and try to salvage the rest of my day without sinking into self loathing or writing the rest of the day off as a loss. I have to get right back on the horse.

Sorry I didn't bring better news. If I'd written this post an hour ago, it would be about how I have a clean day under my belt and I'm feeling good and motivated to keep clean. Where does that good, motivated feeling go so fast? Now I have to find it again, all while coming off another stupid relapse.

But anyway, here goes.

 

[Phineas 808]

What will you do different now in response to 'how' you lapsed?

 

[jonazo91]

What will you do different now in response to 'how' you lapsed?

I don't know. I haven't figured out how to switch who's in the "driver's seat" once the addict has taken the wheel.

I'm back after avoiding this place again, partly because when I'm in the thick of it, and it feels like I'm in a relapse loop that hasn't finished yet, I'm too embarrassed to come on here and admit that I'm down in the dumps. It's very embarrassing to say the same things and know that someone is reading that I'm stuck in the same loop of what is after all, pretty shameful behavior.

Right now, I'm a few hours away from 48 hours clean, so that's nice. It was pretty bad there for a while, where I would just relapse and still have the urge to relapse again rather than look myself in the mirror and stop. Now, I feel motivated again. I don't exactly know what changed. I just know, I have to take this feeling and use it and not squander it.

Lately, lots of my relapses have come during a period of boredom mixed with tiredness. This includes while I'm at work (working from home makes it easy to peer at my phone and repeat bad habits). A couple of actionable things I can do to change my patterns:
- Keep my phone away from me during work hours and only check periodically for messages etc.
-FOCUS on work. My job doesn't have a lot of downtime, it just has a lot of tasks that end up being pretty tedious and boring for me and I feel I need breaks between doing them. But I want to be someone who does a good job at work. Eventually, sure, that might mean finding a more fulfilling job that stimulates me more. But in the short term, I should pour myself into my work and make it a goal to put in a good effort every day. I'll admit, I don't love my job. But I don't hate it either. But it's my job, and it's an honorable thing to do to put in a good day's work.
-The FIRST moment I notice myself searching up something I ought not, put down my phone, walk away from it, take some deep breaths and reset. Maybe at that moment, I could do some jumping jacks. Or go talk to my fiancee. Or pet my dog. I don't know what will work with enough regularity to break the cycle. But that FIRST moment is key.

I need to try and be more consistent with posting on here, as I've said before. Or, I need to look into other forms of help. Paying for help (like one of those paid programs or the paid version of Fortify) has never seemed worth it to me, as I don't really have money to throw around right now. But if it would work, it would be worth a million dollars. But for now, THIS is my program, and you all are my accountability partners. So, taking my recovery seriously starts by seriously keeping to my schedule of posting here.

That's enough for now.

I'm going to try some sort of tracker to stick to once again, hopefully that will help me stay on track and maybe I can look back and see my patterns.

PMO this week (starting Sunday): ~3-4?
Current streak: just under 2 days

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I don't know. I haven't figured out how to switch who's in the "driver's seat" once the addict has taken the wheel.

I'm back after avoiding this place again, partly because when I'm in the thick of it, and it feels like I'm in a relapse loop that hasn't finished yet, I'm too embarrassed to come on here and admit that I'm down in the dumps. It's very embarrassing to say the same things and know that someone is reading that I'm stuck in the same loop of what is after all, pretty shameful behavior.

I know. I struggle with this too; I didn't want to come here and write the same things. While I don't believe anymore that relapsing should be embarrassing, what I don't like is relapsing after years of doing this. There comes a time when the relapse/restart cycle needs to stop. Why does it take so long to finally escape this? I feel like in order to succeed, I need a transformation. Sobriety can't be sustained by the way I am now, that's for sure. Although I have changed a little bit in the last 7-8 years, it's not enough, it's too little. I could use short-term tactics, everything it takes mentality, and get some streak going but I will eventually relapse because I'm broken inside. That's the thing: We all need to take a deep look inside of us and find the answer to this question: Why do I need "drugs" in my life?

 

[Phineas 808]

All your suggested changes sound like great ideas to commit to as actionable items- I like how you said that, Jonazo!

Write them down in a journal as a way to systematize and commit to them. Over time keep what works and discard what doesn’t.

 

[jonazo91]

Hi I'm checking in for the day. Today, I was looking up an actress online and came across a link to a nude scene she did. I watched the scene and knew that I really ought not, but I didn't take it any further. Still, definitely a "yellow-light" behavior.

Also, I slept in later than I ought to. But I did stay away from my phone better than usual, and I was able to make time to practice violin and do a little reading. Overall I'd give my day a C+/B-.


PMO this week (starting Sunday): ~3-4?
Current streak: 3 days
Reply

 

[jonazo91]

Okay, so I relapsed again. Once again, it was during work hours, when I was faced with a number of tedious tasks. I felt it coming on, I noticed myself looking up risque/"yellow-light" content for no good reason again, and then suddenly I needed to do it. All my action steps flew out the window, I simply just wanted to relapse. Don't know what else to say. I do have a weird part of my brain that will sometimes come in and say "Okay, well let's at least make this quick" once I've decided to relapse. I don't know what to make of that. Definitely prefer it to the hours-long sessions I've had before.

I didn't sleep well last night and slept in til 11:30 this morning, and then instead of pouring my free time into productive things, sat on the couch watching Family Guy until I had to start work. This whole time, part of me was thinking "uh oh, you're getting a little off-track." I'm starting to realize how sobriety or whatever I want to call it, is a full-time job. I always need to be conscious of how I'm using my time, so that I don't backtrack into old and bad habits. Leisure time is important, sure, but I really need to focus on putting more of my free time into productive activities.

This is all just to say there were warning signs. But it's not an excuse. I'm in the driver's seat at all times, and I need to learn to say no to myself.

I'm coming on here right away to hold myself accountable, and to update my tracker. I messed up. I did bad. Starting over and learning from my mistakes starts right now.


PMO this week (starting Sunday): 5
Current streak: 0 days

 

[jonazo91]

Got to sleep really late last night and only got about 5 hours of sleep, and now once again I'm getting to bed late and have to wake up around 8:30-9 tomorrow. So I have to be on my guard. But I'll be hanging out with family so hopefully it'll be fun and I'll be too busy to worry about porn.

PMO this week (starting Sunday): 5
Current streak: 1 day

 

[jonazo91]

Sometimes I think I'm actually just not strong enough to beat this. I lose my resolve every 2 days. And when I want to relapse, I WANT to relapse. It's like all the negatives that I know about and experience in my life are worth it for just one more hit.

I'm trying to just pick up the pieces and try again every time, but it's not easy. But I can't just forget that it's a problem. I can't give up so I have to quit.

PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 0 days

 

[EarthWalker]

Wishing you success.

 

[jonazo91]

This time when I just woke up.


PMO this week (starting Sunday): 3
Current streak: 0 days

 

[Phineas 808]

This time when I just woke up.


PMO this week (starting Sunday): 3
Current streak: 0 days

What do you think you can change about your routine, habits, mindset that will give you a strong motivation to start fresh?

How deep can you go? It seems to me that the deeper we dig the farther we go (in terms of streaks and overall recovery).

 

[jonazo91]

Deeper in what way? Like looking within to figure out why I keep returning to porn?

It's always a little hard, fresh off of a relapse, to see the potential to motivate myself further. That's part of the trap, I think. Relapsing makes me feel horrible, which makes me depressed and unmotivated. When some time passes, I level out and forget how bad I felt. Worse yet is when I feel so down that I just want to return back to porn right away to numb the bad feeling.


I always try to focus on salvaging the rest of my day after a relapse early in the day. The worst thing I can do is surrender the whole day. But in terms of long-term change, it's been a struggle my whole life to set routines and habits that I stick to with any regularity. Even leaving alone porn, that's always been a problem when it comes to schoolwork or any jobs I've had. I guess I need to realize it'll always be a struggle, but that's not an excuse not to improve or change. But it's hard. I don't know how to train myself to train myself. Every waking moment requires self-discipline, and sometimes that seems like such a big ask. What do you do with the part of your mind that wants to "act out" or "be bad" sometimes? Where do you put that impulse?

I try not to be down on myself too much, because I know it only hurts the process. And really, I don't think I'm altogether a bad person. But maybe I let myself off the hook too easily because it's easier than fighting the internal battle.

 

[Phineas 808]

I think that we can either turn that horrible feeling into researching what we can do different. I know we feel horrible afterward, but that may be a time to step back, have compassion on ourselves, and try to figure out a way forward where we can create space between ourselves and our unwanted habits.

Or, wait until you level off- and instead of forgetting about it- take advantage of the clearer head and emotions, and 'dig deep' to change something.

'Dig deep' means to go beyond the surface of your habits and behaviors- into the 'why', into the 'what'- figure this thing out. You have all the answers now, everytime you look in the mirror. People don't want to look in the mirror, but self-knowledge is your golden key out of this mess.

 

[jonazo91]

Hi all.

I'm fresh off of another relapse and decided it's finally time to get back here and face the music. I've been trying to switch to a mentality of reducing relapse instances per week, so that if I relapse, but I only did it once in a week, even though it's Day 0, I can see improvement.

Well, that was working okay, to some extent. Last week (from Sunday to Saturday night) I relapsed twice. Which is pretty good for me, actually. Tonight was my third instance this week. So we're backsliding. This whole month I knew I needed to get back on here but didn't carve out the time. This addiction is the most frustrating thing in the world. I can feel it holding me back in so many ways.

I can't stay up any later tonight, so I'm ending this post here. Before I go to sleep, I'm going to set up a thrice-weekly alarm on my phone that will mean it's time to update on Reboot Nation. I will pick times that I'm typically free. And for god's sake, I will try to stick to it.

Nothing in life is more important to me right now than quitting this. I dream of how happy I will be with a month, two months, six months, a year clean from porn. It has to start now.

 

[jonazo91]

Hi all.

I'm fresh off of another relapse and decided it's finally time to get back here and face the music. I've been trying to switch to a mentality of reducing relapse instances per week, so that if I relapse, but I only did it once in a week, even though it's Day 0, I can see improvement.

Well, that was working okay, to some extent. Last week (from Sunday to Saturday night) I relapsed twice. Which is pretty good for me, actually. Tonight was my third instance this week. So we're backsliding. This whole month I knew I needed to get back on here but didn't carve out the time. This addiction is the most frustrating thing in the world. I can feel it holding me back in so many ways.

I can't stay up any later tonight, so I'm ending this post here. Before I go to sleep, I'm going to set up a thrice-weekly alarm on my phone that will mean it's time to update on Reboot Nation. I will pick times that I'm typically free. And for god's sake, I will try to stick to it.

Nothing in life is more important to me right now than quitting this. I dream of how happy I will be with a month, two months, six months, a year clean from porn. It has to start now.

PMO this week (starting Sunday): 3
Current streak: 0 days

 

[Phineas 808]

You can do it, Jonazo! I believe in you, you have to believe in yourself !

 

[Simon2]

Alarms are great but what's helping me the most is coming here when I am sitting down thinking about looking at P. How about you come here EVERY time when you decide to look at P, BEFORE you do it. Maybe it'll help you to pull the break?

 

[jonazo91]

Checking in, feeling a bit lazy this morning but so far no urges.

Alarms are great but what's helping me the most is coming here when I am sitting down thinking about looking at P. How about you come here EVERY time when you decide to look at P, BEFORE you do it. Maybe it'll help you to pull the break?

This is definitely a good idea and I will try this. I just also know I need to set a schedule to post here rather than just posting whenever I feel like it, and I think three times a week is something I can stick to. It doesn't mean those are the only times I can check in here, just that that's the bare minimum.

I've been sleeping in and slacking around, but I think I'm going to try to get in some violin practice today before I start work.

PMO this week (starting Sunday): 3
Current streak: 1 day