Changing for the Best

I managed to stick with it yesterday despite all the urges and temptation. Monday's are my hardest day as I'm alone pretty much the entire day at home. I felt like my feelings yesterday were never going to end! Thankfully I woke up this morning feeling much different. If I can get through a day like that then I can definitely get through anything as long as I plan to persevere.
 
Sounds like you are doing great, man. I've noticed the longer the streak goes, the more resistant I am about breaking it.

Are you working at home? Or idle? If you're idle, you need to come up with something you do every Monday that changes that. Work on somethig you've always wanted to work on.

Or focus on something at work you've long thought needed to be done but haven't made the time to do yet.
 

46and2

Active Member
Lonliness is a big trigger for me too so I congratulate you greatly on sticking out the discomfort and seeing what was on the other side. Well done brother!
 
35 days free of porn and I feel pretty good. I did MO a few days ago but tried to block out those porn fantasy memories from my head and focus on the feeling instead. I was worried that I might feel a chaser effect from it and come away feeling the pressure to use again but I have more reached a flatline phase and not feeling very sexual at all. Yesterday I was able to go back into the field at work instead of working from home like I have been since I broke my collar bone. It felt really good to get outside and participate in something that felt more like normal work activity. It was a good way to spend my normally long Mondays alone.
 
Been doing okay lately, it’s been hard though. I had some porn sub and fantasy issues due to random images and video advertisements on a website from a link sent to me by work email. I’ve been feeling good about pushing away those things from my daily life but I guess this one caught me off guard. I did MO before this event and I guess that the chaser effect didn’t help either. Maybe I should reset the counter and refocus on my goals once again. I kind of feel like I ruined the good roll I was on but I’m not going to try to give it more attention than it deserves. On a better note, I have been seeing a therapist and it helps to have someone to talk to about my anger, porn, and other issues in my life.
 
I’m starting my count over due to the MO session I had the other day from some P sub material. I want to be honest with myself and not downplay the experience for what it is. I’ve felt some hesitancy to post out of embarrassment but I can’t let it ruin this good thing I have going for my recovery. So I’ve decided that I will go hard mode since MO caused me to slip. I went 41 days before the relapse, so as an initial goal I will go 42 days hard mode.
 
I confessed to my wife today about my recent slip up and although I’m ultimately glad I did it was an emotional tour de force. We talked a lot about how in the past I would use porn and fantasy to help me achieve climax even during sex with my now wife but girlfriend at the time. She felt used and betrayed and still has trouble trusting me to this day because of it. In the past I could get defensive about this or avoid confessing to her in order to avoid the inevitable emotional roller coaster. She recognizes my progress however, and I guess I was a little surprised by her reaction. I guess I expected her to be less emotional, which isn’t fair to her because that’s what I wanted. It’s good for me really, because it reminds me of the consequences of my actions; that even though it felt like a small slip for me it still has a deep emotional reaction to her and I have to respect that. This should be my biggest motivation. Even though I can make progress the smallest slip up has dire consequences to my marriage. It isn’t just me battling this addiction alone, she is there with me, emotionally invested as well and if I don’t straighten up she won’t be.
 
Feeling better today. Been actively reading on the forum and getting some inspiration to renew my goals. Since I’ve been working from home and recovering from my broken bone I have spent much more time at home in a lull. I used to be very active and that was stalled during my recovery from surgery. I’m feeling much more capable and I’m going to jog every week and go on long bike rides and daily exercises at home. I will wake up and shower first thing and meditate instead of sitting around at my work laptop in my pajamas all day. More reading and playing music with less screen time. I can do all of these things to combat my urges when they arise and feel so much better about myself by doing them on a regular basis. Right now I lack much of a productive routine if any at all and that’s ususally what makes me happiest is being productive and seeing results from daily motivation. I’m going to get off my ass and start living again!
 
My wife and I have been spending much more time together these past couple days. She's had her first break from school in a long time and we actually have time to spend together over a couple of week days. We went on a hike yesterday and had a great time. When we came back home we had a back to back intercourse session. I can't even remember the last time that happened. I always felt I didn't have the energy for it or I was too distracted with porn to even have sex once on a regular basis. Since yesterday and this morning we have been very loving and affectionate with each other and things have just been awesome!
 

zackergeet

Active Member
T
My wife and I have been spending much more time together these past couple days. She's had her first break from school in a long time and we actually have time to spend together over a couple of week days. We went on a hike yesterday and had a great time. When we came back home we had a back to back intercourse session. I can't even remember the last time that happened. I always felt I didn't have the energy for it or I was too distracted with porn to even have sex once on a regular basis. Since yesterday and this morning we have been very loving and affectionate with each other and things have just been awesome!
That is absolutely great keep it like that!
 
I decided to change the title of my thread today. I felt the old title was given by a person who was desperate for help and not sure what to do or where to find it. Now that I have been working the system and really putting in effort to improve myself I wanted to put forth a title that reflects that. Here's to changing for not just the better but changing for the best man that I can be!
 
8 days. Things are going really well. I have been sexually active with my wife as we are on the second round of trying and I don’t feel any pressure or anxiety to perform and it brings us closer together. I haven't really had any problems with large urges but they have come up in small amounts in the background and have been easy to ignore. I’m not getting cocky though and let my guard down, so I’m going to stay strong and diligent.
 
12 days no PMO or MO. Feeling pretty good overall. My wife started watching a series on Netflix that has some semi regular sexual content. No nudity but still kind risqué. I got caught up in it as well and started watching with her. If things got too much I would look away or do something else for the moment. I wanted it not to effect me and try to do something that felt normal but I think it effects my brain more than I want to admit. I had sex dreams throughout the night and woke up this morning with a bit stronger urges than I have in a while. I guess I’m still not ready to introduce those external sources in my life yet and should recognize that those types of shows could make me want to do something I shouldn’t.
 
Day 15 no PMO. I did MO the other day but I’m not going to restart my count because I feel it doesn’t reflect the real progress I have made. I’m still planning on going forth without MO though. I’ve seen others take a day off the count instead or add another one on to the end goal, which feels more helpful.

Things have been great with my wife lately and regular therapy sessions are definitely helping my mood and the quality time we spend together.
 
I had a great weekend with some friends and stayed busy out of town. I completed building my new mountain bike and was able to take it on it’s first ride since recovering from my broken collarbone. It felt so good and freeing! It’s been about 4 months since I was able to do that.
 
I feel ashamed and embarrassed to report that I have spent the last three days completely off the rails. I started using P subs and just thought "why am I wasting my time acting out with this when I could be using the real thing." So instead of dipping my toes in I full on cannonballed into it; watching videos and PMOing multiple times a day.

I don't know why I let it get to that point! I don't know why I fucked up everything I have learned and worked hard to get to. Things felt so positive and I felt positive about my process. I suppose I'm in between feeling back to normal and recovery since my surgery. I have spent a few days back full time at work in the field but then I feel depressed when I'm back at home trying to bide my time.

I want to feel like myself again. I want to be through with weekdays at home. It feels tiring fighting myself.

I'm back on day 2 and trying to recap everything I have been able to accomplish to this point and really tap into that. I need to focus on what's important instead of what feels justified in the moment.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
I feel you, man. What you wrote there is something I would write. Things go well and then BAM! One little thing happens and everything collapses. It's the small rock that overturns the big cart. I've been thinking, maybe it's something more than just one small wrong step.
 
I feel you, man. What you wrote there is something I would write. Things go well and then BAM! One little thing happens and everything collapses. It's the small rock that overturns the big cart. I've been thinking, maybe it's something more than just one small wrong step.
Thanks for the response Escape, I definitely feel like I can be a self saboteur when it comes to this. I spoke with my wife this morning about it and she was very supportive and said that I should make more connections with people. I have a habit of sitting around and waiting for something to come to me and if it doesn't I am more likely to throw that stone under my cart to feel something.
 
Day 4 no PMO. This was my first weekday alone at home which has always been a big trigger for me. Just trying to take it one day at a time.
 
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