Porn is not an option

[Blondie]

Day 0
Day 24 of no O
Day 24 of no alcohol
59 cold showers

Well I blew it yesterday. I don't have much time to get into it this morning, but I finally received an answer from all of this drama from my family on Sunday, and yesterday I just gave in to the temptations because of how sad and angry I felt about it. I'm not happy about this obviously, but the fact is, this whole shit with my family overshadows my relapse by far in my emotions, however, I don't feel great about it either. The news I received from my parents is not exactly what I wanted to hear, obviously! I had worked so hard these last few months through all this childhood shit hoping that things could be different between us, like somehow if I could just be logical enough with them, they would finally "see the light!" and understand what I'm talking about and how bad it was etc. Well it didn't turn out that way, at least not how I wished it to be. However, I did finally receive an answer, and it's an answer I'm going to have to live with now which I guess is better than what I had known before. I know I can quit this porn nonsense because I alreadly have, and this thing has always been lurking in the background of my recovery, and at least now it's out in the open. Our relationship won't be "perfect" but it will be possibly better than it used to be, because at least I've told my truth and hopefully I can just let it go in my future with what I know now.

I did relapse but as you can see, I didn't masturbate nor orgasm, and what is more, I kept stopping and starting throughout the whole session, never wanting to be doing it in the first place. Furthermore, I told my Lady everything when she walked in the door, with no lies like the old me. Being this transparent is fucking hard, because it feels like she can actually see the schizophrenic nature of this addiction now, where I say one thing, but do another, or I tell her I don't want to do it, but I do it all the same right afterwards. I like this new me, but it's not easy being this open. She can see the difference though and it's obvious she loves being a part of this and not a spectator only when I choose to let her in.

Stay strong everyone!

 

[Androg]

Day 0
Day 24 of no O
Day 24 of no alcohol
59 cold showers

Well I blew it yesterday. I don't have much time to get into it this morning, but I finally received an answer from all of this drama from my family on Sunday, and yesterday I just gave in to the temptations because of how sad and angry I felt about it. I'm not happy about this obviously, but the fact is, this whole shit with my family overshadows my relapse by far in my emotions, however, I don't feel great about it either. The news I received from my parents is not exactly what I wanted to hear, obviously! I had worked so hard these last few months through all this childhood shit hoping that things could be different between us, like somehow if I could just be logical enough with them, they would finally "see the light!" and understand what I'm talking about and how bad it was etc. Well it didn't turn out that way, at least not how I wished it to be. However, I did finally receive an answer, and it's an answer I'm going to have to live with now which I guess is better than what I had known before. I know I can quit this porn nonsense because I alreadly have, and this thing has always been lurking in the background of my recovery, and at least now it's out in the open. Our relationship won't be "perfect" but it will be possibly better than it used to be, because at least I've told my truth and hopefully I can just let it go in my future with what I know now.

I did relapse but as you can see, I didn't masturbate nor orgasm, and what is more, I kept stopping and starting throughout the whole session, never wanting to be doing it in the first place. Furthermore, I told my Lady everything when she walked in the door, with no lies like the old me. Being this transparent is fucking hard, because it feels like she can actually see the schizophrenic nature of this addiction now, where I say one thing, but do another, or I tell her I don't want to do it, but I do it all the same right afterwards. I like this new me, but it's not easy being this open. She can see the difference though and it's obvious she loves being a part of this and not a spectator only when I choose to let her in.

Stay strong everyone!

Defensive egos are unfortunately the most common kind. And I’m sure your parents are no exception. This doesn’t mean things can’t improve in the future.

Stay strong!

 

[Galatians51]

Hey so sorry to hear about the family issues, that can definitely be tough and a big trigger because we started feeling frustrated and sorry for ourselves which leads to wanting to feel better and our brain suddenly remembers how good porn makes us feel. At least that’s what has happened to me many times in the past.

Great job resisting going all the way with a MO… But as you know - the images of what you saw will be bouncing around your brain doing whatever they can to get you to give in and feel the release. Tonight, tomorrow morning, when you’re alone in the bathroom… these will be very trying times. For me I’m good like 99% of the time, and then when I’m by myself in a vulnerable moment - suddenly a wave of desire crashes over me. Just expect that is coming your way over the next few days. Do what you can to limit your access to the internet over the next few days, maybe ask your lady to take your devices when you’re by yourself. I’m not telling you what to do just trying to help.

You can do this!

 

[swimmer97]

Day 0
Day 24 of no O
Day 24 of no alcohol
59 cold showers

Well I blew it yesterday. I don't have much time to get into it this morning, but I finally received an answer from all of this drama from my family on Sunday, and yesterday I just gave in to the temptations because of how sad and angry I felt about it. I'm not happy about this obviously, but the fact is, this whole shit with my family overshadows my relapse by far in my emotions, however, I don't feel great about it either. The news I received from my parents is not exactly what I wanted to hear, obviously! I had worked so hard these last few months through all this childhood shit hoping that things could be different between us, like somehow if I could just be logical enough with them, they would finally "see the light!" and understand what I'm talking about and how bad it was etc. Well it didn't turn out that way, at least not how I wished it to be. However, I did finally receive an answer, and it's an answer I'm going to have to live with now which I guess is better than what I had known before. I know I can quit this porn nonsense because I alreadly have, and this thing has always been lurking in the background of my recovery, and at least now it's out in the open. Our relationship won't be "perfect" but it will be possibly better than it used to be, because at least I've told my truth and hopefully I can just let it go in my future with what I know now.

I did relapse but as you can see, I didn't masturbate nor orgasm, and what is more, I kept stopping and starting throughout the whole session, never wanting to be doing it in the first place. Furthermore, I told my Lady everything when she walked in the door, with no lies like the old me. Being this transparent is fucking hard, because it feels like she can actually see the schizophrenic nature of this addiction now, where I say one thing, but do another, or I tell her I don't want to do it, but I do it all the same right afterwards. I like this new me, but it's not easy being this open. She can see the difference though and it's obvious she loves being a part of this and not a spectator only when I choose to let her in.

Stay strong everyone!

sorry to hear that brother. i highly respect your brutal honesty with yourself and others. that is true strength. i agree with androg, people are very emotional beings that will in 99% always go into defend mode. But thats okay, maybe they are just not strong enough to see even partial truth in the criticism. In that case i would say, forgive them and move on. there is no gain in fighting this fight. You are wiser.

dust yourself off brother, we you got your back.

 

[GBS]

Bad luck mate. I suppose it sort of counts as a relapse, but you didn’t M at all, so I think the harm is way less than if you’d gone all in (and then out!).

I am extremely sorry that the parental response wasn’t as you hoped, but looking on the bright side and not trying to be flippant, you can spot your obvious triggers.

 

[strongfuture89]

Like GBS said, the good thing is that you know where your triggers are and you are a veteran among us, I´m certain you will find a way to work through this little slip-up!
You seem to have a very beautiful relationship with your wife and - while family matters can feel like a hurricane - it seems like you two can really build on one another and that is amazing.
Stay strong, champion!

 

[Blondie]

Day 1 (1981 days of freedom)
Day 25 of no O
Day 25 of no alcohol
59 cold showers

Thanks everyone for your encouragement yesterday, it means so much. I will write more when I have the time.

 

[Ezel]

Hey Blondie sorry for all of this. I saw that you mentioned on my thread that you fucked up. But I didn't have time to respond at that time. My apologies for that. Just the fact that you stopped in the middle, didn't masturbate nor orgasmed. Shows how strong your will power is.
I never stopped in the middle of that slippery slope, even if I did، those images will come back to hunt me down. I believe in you brother . If anyone can make it on this forum it will be you champ.
Sorry to hear about the issues with the family. I can relate to that. I know how it feels. There's no family in the world who don't have problems.
Get up champ, one day you will make it and it will be so great .
May peace be with you my friend.

 

[Blondie]

Day 0 (1982 days of freedom)
Day 26 of no O
Day 26 of no alcohol
60 cold showers

I could say I fell off the horse again yesterday, but in fact, I didn't even try not to slip, I just purposely jumped off! Like watching an old Western were the hero rides up to the train (the porn train!) and dashes off his horse to get the girl when he alreadly has one! Still tying up loose ends with my family and communication with them etc. so I'm still battling this emotional crap to be sure, but its no excuse at this point in the game. There's a reason my motto Porn is Not Option works, it's a mindset you take up everyday and it works wonders when you do so because you're no longer giving yourself permission to even go there. However if that door is open, even just a little bit, I swear to God you'll never quit, even if you somewhat want to and have been here forever with good intentions. Some of the greatest fucks ups in all of history have happened with "good intentions". Good intentions are simply not enough to get you over this shit habit we find ourselves in.

That's where I'm at at the moment folks, I even told my Lady yesterday that as well. I said "You know damn well whenever I decide I'm done with this shit, it will be over instantly like it always has been" When I want something I do it, and when I don't, I don't, it's a simple as that. I really wish I hadn't fallen off the horse a month ago, because all of a sudden all those goddamned "options" that I deny myself in real life, suddenly become "available" and I don't have to be a "cheater" and can just have a little "harmless" fun on the side without any real world consequences. It's ironic that wherever you find yourself in regards to women in this world, either if they're a perpetual mystery beyond comprehension and you always seem to "strike out", or if you're on the other side, where there's options you have to deny yourself even if in a relationship, porn still fucks you equally in all the same ways as the other guy over the fence. Porn is the ultimate liar and destroyer of honesty within yourself and all those around you that you love and hold dear. Porn tells you you can have it all when in fact you can't. Porn destroys self growth. Porn destroys you facing life on its own terms, wherever and whatever that may be and the consequences that entails for you.

There's two things in this life that have always made me run back to this "sweet" but deadly poison: my trauma from my childhood, and my difficulty of being monogamous. I've tried to fix one over these last few months to the best of my abilities, and I think no matter what happens in the future with that, at least I have an answer now, a truth I can work with, thus a chance of forgiveness with my parents, and the knowledge that I did what I could do about this situation, and feeling equally proud about that too because I tried to do the honorable thing. However, this monogamous issue is still with me to this day, and when I accidently fell off the horse a month ago, all of a sudden those "options" became "available" again and it's real hard to put them back in the Pandora's box and face the hard cold reality; only one cowgirl to one cowboy. Ironically enough, some of those problems I had at the beginning of the summer with my Lady have mostly vanished over these last few months. I truly feel in love with her, maybe even for the first time in my life, however, I just wish I had gotten a few more experiences before settling down with only one girl. It's a funny thing, you often don't figure how to get and attract women until you alreadly have one! Perhaps regret is worse than porn.

Looks like it might be time for an old digital harem breakup.

 

[searching4good]

Hey @Blondie - I wish I had more time to respond, but I just wanted to briefly check in to say how much the above resonates with me and how much I respect you for your candour and willpower. Two words that can be used cheaply, but with yourself, apply in their truest sense. Everyone here has your back and is rooting for you fine sir.

 

[GBS]

Dear chap,

very sorry to hear of you last relapse. Here’s what I don’t understand because I know I would be different: you watch porn for these relapses I presume. But you don’t orgasm, so either you’re edging or you literally just look. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself having an orgasm if I watched again, because I don’t think I would see the point of watching if I didn’t have the ecstasy at the end. So I can’t quite identify with you. To me you’re teasing yourself, and that doesn’t feel to me like the full relapse. Excuse my nosiness in asking.

And just for the record, you’re a fucking legend.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @Blondie - I wish I had more time to respond, but I just wanted to briefly check in to say how much the above resonates with me and how much I respect you for your candour and willpower. Two words that can be used cheaply, but with yourself, apply in their truest sense. Everyone here has your back and is rooting for you fine sir.

Thank you @searching4good, thanks for checking in. I find being honest is always better than lying to myself and others that's for sure. Truth has always been one of my main values.

I would love to hear your thoughts when you have the time on what else resonated with you.

Best brother.

Dear chap,

very sorry to hear of you last relapse.

Thanks @GBS, no reason feeling sorry for me, it's not a failure if you don't actually put up a fight!

Here’s what I don’t understand because I know I would be different: you watch porn for these relapses I presume. But you don’t orgasm, so either you’re edging or you literally just look.

Well I did get off to it a month ago, that is the original relapse when I was drunk, but the other two this week I have not. Yesterday I even played with him for a while, but did not go all the way, and Tuesday I just looked. So yes, I'm just edging or looking and nothing else.

I wouldn’t be able to stop myself having an orgasm if I watched again, because I don’t think I would see the point of watching if I didn’t have the ecstasy at the end.

It's funny, I'm almost the exact opposite from this. Although I obviously love an orgasm, my ecstasy comes from the appreciation of the female form and all the variety, plus the continual high of being turned on. All of that is better to me than those few moments of an O. Maybe that's why I love having sex while doing semen retention, I can just appreciate her in all her glory, plus ride that high forever and not have to be "done". Also, concerning this matter, I really love the way it feels having 25 days of no O, so I didn't want to mess that up too. I might be a wanker at the moment, but at least I'm a fully charged one.

To me you’re teasing yourself, and that doesn’t feel to me like the full relapse. Excuse my nosiness in asking.

I would probably agree, maybe it's not a full on relapse, or at least not a PMO, which is great, but it's still porn so I'm counting it as one.

Best sir.

Hey Blondie sorry for all of this. I saw that you mentioned on my thread that you fucked up. But I didn't have time to respond at that time. My apologies for that. Just the fact that you stopped in the middle, didn't masturbate nor orgasmed. Shows how strong your will power is.

Thanks @Ezel, I appreciate it. No apologies needed brother. Well I did masturbate a little yesterday, but very carefully so I wouldn't mess him up, so there is that, but yes, I didn't get off, so no PMO thankfully.

Sorry to hear about the issues with the family. I can relate to that. I know how it feels. There's no family in the world who don't have problems.

Thanks man. It is what it is. I'm still hoping for a chance we can make this right at the end the day with my family. I guess you could call me a pessimistic optimist.

Get up champ, one day you will make it and it will be so great .

Indeed I shall! Same to you brother. Same to us all.

Best.

 

[EarthWalker]

@Blondie Hope you find peace and understanding when it comes to your relationship with parents. For some of us, integrating the experience with our parents, might be considered a lifetime achievement.

I think we project a lot of our own understanding onto P. At the end of the day, P are just some moving images and sounds. We create the meaning behind it. We create so much resistance, shame, guilt, blame, by our own projections. Do we really need to do this?

Btw: This full moon is a bit weird.

 

[Blondie]

Day 1 (1983 days of freedom)
Day 27 of no O
Day 27 of no alcohol
61 cold showers

 

[Ezel]

Hey @Blondie , my man is back at it again. No time for regret, it's time to get the work done. the master at work never ceases to amaze.
Sending love, and keep pushing king.

 

[Blondie]

Day 2 (1984 days of freedom)
Day 28 of no O
Day 28 of no alcohol
62 cold showers

Thank you @Ezel, you're absolutely right about that. What's done is done.

Love you king

Hey so sorry to hear about the family issues, that can definitely be tough and a big trigger because we started feeling frustrated and sorry for ourselves which leads to wanting to feel better and our brain suddenly remembers how good porn makes us feel. At least that’s what has happened to me many times in the past.

Thanks for this @Galatians51. You're right, the brain can really play tricks with us when it comes to this stuff. I know this has been a huge factor in my life when it comes to this habit. Obviously I don't "blame" them for it, I'm responsible for my own actions, however, it would be a lie acting like it didn't happen many times thinking of all this trauma from my childhood etc., just the anger alone can get you sometimes.

Great job resisting going all the way with a MO… But as you know - the images of what you saw will be bouncing around your brain doing whatever they can to get you to give in and feel the release. Tonight, tomorrow morning, when you’re alone in the bathroom… these will be very trying times. For me I’m good like 99% of the time, and then when I’m by myself in a vulnerable moment - suddenly a wave of desire crashes over me. Just expect that is coming your way over the next few days. Do what you can to limit your access to the internet over the next few days, maybe ask your lady to take your devices when you’re by yourself. I’m not telling you what to do just trying to help.

Thanks man, yes you're right about this. I find so much of this is just a mental battle of values. I told myself Porn is not Option for years now, but after that one drunken screw up a month ago, suddenly I reintroduced it back into my life and that "variety" starts calling my name again, whereas before I didn't even let it get to point, it was simply not an option anymore. The whole motto, porn is not option, is to say, no matter how much something might be enticing or whatnot, you've alreadly established it won't be good for you and that it will have bad consequences in the end. For example, you might think your cousin is really hot, but you simply don't go there for obviously reasons! That's what the motto implies, you just don't do it, period! Porn is just not an outlet for your sexuality anymore. I forgot about that these last few weeks, and now I'm starting to remember again. At the end of the day, porn is a battle of values, it's as simple as that. And as Jesus said, a house divided will NOT stand. If our minds are divided on this issue, then we've already relapsed before we've even clicked the button.

Thanks for your support brother. It means so much.

sorry to hear that brother. i highly respect your brutal honesty with yourself and others. that is true strength. i agree with androg, people are very emotional beings that will in 99% always go into defend mode. But thats okay, maybe they are just not strong enough to see even partial truth in the criticism. In that case i would say, forgive them and move on. there is no gain in fighting this fight. You are wiser.

dust yourself off brother, we you got your back.

Thanks @swimmer97, I appreciate you. And you're right, people are people, and forgiving them is all I can do in the end. It might not be what I wanted, but it makes the best out of the situation.

Keep killing it man.

Bad luck mate. I suppose it sort of counts as a relapse, but you didn’t M at all, so I think the harm is way less than if you’d gone all in (and then out!).

I am extremely sorry that the parental response wasn’t as you hoped, but looking on the bright side and not trying to be flippant, you can spot your obvious triggers.

Thanks mate. It is what it is, and who knows, maybe something good will come out of this, I still remain hopeful. And yes, I definitely know my triggers, which is always a bonus in all of this.

Best sir.

Like GBS said, the good thing is that you know where your triggers are and you are a veteran among us, I´m certain you will find a way to work through this little slip-up!
You seem to have a very beautiful relationship with your wife and - while family matters can feel like a hurricane - it seems like you two can really build on one another and that is amazing.
Stay strong, champion!

Thanks @strongfuture89. You're right, what I have with my Lady is truly amazing, and I realize that daily, especially in moments like this. Many women are not cool with this shit, and seeing that she can be understanding and comprehend that this is an addiction is extremely helpful in overcoming it. Learning how to talk to her about this has been a interesting experience, just being truthful in the moment and not hiding behind cowardice etc. has been empowering.

Best brother.

[Hope you find peace and understanding when it comes to your relationship with parents. For some of us, integrating the experience with our parents, might be considered a lifetime achievement.

Thanks @EarthWalker.

Boy is that the truth. That's what I was aiming for with all of this, so maybe my relapse came from such a great disappointment etc. However, ever since the beginning I've told myself that this could very well be the case, and I wasn't doing this with any assureity that they would see the light, it was always for me to be truthful to myself and put my truth "out there" in the void and see what happens.

I think we project a lot of our own understanding onto P. At the end of the day, P are just some moving images and sounds. We create the meaning behind it. We create so much resistance, shame, guilt, blame, by our own projections. Do we really need to do this?

Wise words indeed. No we do not!

Bless you man.

 

[Blondie]

Defensive egos are unfortunately the most common kind. And I’m sure your parents are no exception. This doesn’t mean things can’t improve in the future.

Stay strong!

Thanks @Androg you're definitely right about that as well. There was much defensiveness etc. But who knows, maybe the message will change when they see I'm going to put up boundaries for my own mental health.

Best

 

[swimmer97]

@Blondie You are doing good brother. I feel the situation is tough right now but you reflect it very well. Go back to your principle and let it lead you in difficult times like a lighthouse in a stormy ocean. Remember in such a state that the value you set yourself and you believe in over multiple years is stronger than what your addicted brain tells you in some moments of stressfull times to get you some "feel good feelings" that dont feel that good after some minutes passed. you got this brother.

 

[Blondie]

This just literally made my day!! Thanks @swimmer97

I love it, a fellow meme maker.

You all have a great porn-free Sunday.

 

[Galatians51]

Day 2 (1984 days of freedom)
Day 28 of no O
Day 28 of no alcohol
62 cold showers

Thank you @Ezel, you're absolutely right about that. What's done is done.

Love you king

Thanks for this @Galatians51. You're right, the brain can really play tricks with us when it comes to this stuff. I know this has been a huge factor in my life when it comes to this habit. Obviously I don't "blame" them for it, I'm responsible for my own actions, however, it would be a lie acting like it didn't happen many times thinking of all this trauma from my childhood etc., just the anger alone can get you sometimes.

Thanks man, yes you're right about this. I find so much of this is just a mental battle of values. I told myself Porn is not Option for years now, but after that one drunken screw up a month ago, suddenly I reintroduced it back into my life and that "variety" starts calling my name again, whereas before I didn't even let it get to point, it was simply not an option anymore. The whole motto, porn is not option, is to say, no matter how much something might be enticing or whatnot, you've alreadly established it won't be good for you and that it will have bad consequences in the end. For example, you might think your cousin is really hot, but you simply don't go there for obviously reasons! That's what the motto implies, you just don't do it, period! Porn is just not an outlet for your sexuality anymore. I forgot about that these last few weeks, and now I'm starting to remember again. At the end of the day, porn is a battle of values, it's as simple as that. And as Jesus said, a house divided will NOT stand. If our minds are divided on this issue, then we've already relapsed before we've even clicked the button.

Thanks for your support brother. It means so much.

Thanks @swimmer97, I appreciate you. And you're right, people are people, and forgiving them is all I can do in the end. It might not be what I wanted, but it makes the best out of the situation.

Keep killing it man.

Thanks mate. It is what it is, and who knows, maybe something good will come out of this, I still remain hopeful. And yes, I definitely know my triggers, which is always a bonus in all of this.

Best sir.

Thanks @strongfuture89. You're right, what I have with my Lady is truly amazing, and I realize that daily, especially in moments like this. Many women are not cool with this shit, and seeing that she can be understanding and comprehend that this is an addiction is extremely helpful in overcoming it. Learning how to talk to her about this has been a interesting experience, just being truthful in the moment and not hiding behind cowardice etc. has been empowering.

Best brother.

Thanks @EarthWalker.

Boy is that the truth. That's what I was aiming for with all of this, so maybe my relapse came from such a great disappointment etc. However, ever since the beginning I've told myself that this could very well be the case, and I wasn't doing this with any assureity that they would see the light, it was always for me to be truthful to myself and put my truth "out there" in the void and see what happens.

Wise words indeed. No we do not!

Bless you man.

I think what i like most about this post is it shows through all the responses how many people care about you on here, and we care about you because you care for so many on here, even if it’s just a like on our post or a comment here or there, it shows that somebody is out there listening to what everyone has to say and then encourage us. You are a big part of this community and in turn we all appreciate you.