Porn is not an option

[Blondie]

What a great place RN is to come here after school and all of these wonderful messages are staring at me! Thank you @SmokenMirrors, @WinkTinkTillium and @First_step_thousand_miles, it means a lot.

I'll have to reflect more on what you all wrote, but yes, school and getting an education was definitely my weak spot in my childhood, thus, going back this last year is me facing my childhood fears and insecurities.

School is to me what bats were to Batman!

Let us all face what we fear the most!

 

[GBS]

We’ll done for staring down your personal demon. I never knew. Good on you. Keep going, pal, keep going.

 

[Blondie]

Day 339

However it was you that walked out of the storm. Scathed or unscathed doesnt matter. You controlled how you responded to it, and that is why you walked out stronger.

I am glad this forum provides you the needed shelter on your tough days and the outlet to continue your path

Thanks @WinkTinkTillium!

It is true, we feel stronger when we face all the fears we've been running away from all our lives. My confidence has alreadly improved since I've started school a year ago, so I can attest that that is true. I've been pushing myself really hard, and thus, academically, I'm getting challenged more and more each semester. However, every time I succeed, I feel better about myself and more confident.

Yes, the forum is a great opportunity to keep it real and I plan on keeping it real on my thread. Thanks brother!

Thanks @SmokenMirrors.

Yes, it's an internal confidence problem that IS getting better, but often slower than I would wish; but hey, life's not like a click of a button!

My teachers love me because I'm getting perfect As and winning scholarships, and my classmates say good things because they see and hear me answering many of the questions right. These are all truths but yet I don't FEEL them deep inside of me if that makes sense? One year of academic success does not instantly wipe out 38 years of being a complete failure academically speaking. I'm getting there though, and I'm happy as hell about it.

One day at a time!

Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles!

For instance, maybe you feel like you have bad health / are overweight. Then eat healthy, workout. Perhaps you feel like your connections with people is drifting. Then go re-build those connections, bite the bullet and call up those old friends and/or join an IM sports league to meet new people. Maybe your career is not going the way you thought. Then maybe it's time for school / finding a new gig / etc. Maybe you feel bored & unaccomplished. Try out a bunch of hobbies and find what thrills you. I firmly believe that the only way for life to get better and better is constant self-improvement. Otherwise you'll always look at the past in an attempt to find shelter.

I love this, thanks man! I definitely agree, that constant self-improvement is the answer and putting ourselves out there is what drives us to get better and better. Going back to school is me facing my biggest fear, and thus, I often wake up both proud of myself and fucking scared shitless at the same time lol.

It seems I've often had to become my own father figure and push myself even when I don't feel like it - like a dad throwing his scared son into the pool to swim! "Better start moving those arms son or you're going to drown!"

Masculine energy is doing the very thing you fear the most. There's a lot of nonsense online about "real" men never being afraid, mostly that alpha male content. I completely disagree, real men do have fears but face them head on. It wouldn't be praiseworthy if it was natural for some men and not for others.

If we don't fear anything, we're not men but gods.

Best brother!

Thanks @GBS!

We’ll done for staring down your personal demon. I never knew.

I guess I'm full of surprises

 

[downhillfromhere]

Agreed Blondie, bravery is not the absence of fear but rather the ability to fight through it.

About what you say on “being your own father”, have you heard of Transactional Analysis? It’s a psychoanalytic theory based on all people having three different modes or states of mind - like with Freud’s three ego states - it suggests that we all have a child, an adult and a parent inside of us, and our mind shifts between them all the time based on our situation or who we’re communicating with.

I might not be explaining it very well, but it’s a fascinating subject, and really ties in with overcoming addiction I think. Can recommend a book called TA Today that I’m currently reading now.

 

[GBS]

Very interesting @downhillfromhere my therapist is also on about switching the mind state. The “hurt child” comes out too often for me. I am told that replacing hurt child with “adult” is the mantra. We all need to grow up and be real men. It’s so obvious and yet still easy to lapse into the child state. But as we grow apart from one of our safest territories, porn, so we see the benefits of being responsible and decent and strong. The mind battle is everything.

 

[Blondie]

Thanks @downhillfromhere that's brilliant! I don't believe I've ever heard about this before, I'll have to check it out. What is the book called?

I think it definitely makes sense though, and just being aware of this would help us all. After reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book, I've been following that same path almost inadvertently , because he talks about something similar in that book as well. For example, a man falling into an almost mother/son relationship with his wife, and all the problems that can cause in a relationship. Over the last ten years that book has helped me tremendously as I've tried to weed out anything like that in my current relationship (I'm still working on it!). I can tell you straight up, women don't like being the mother figure in your life. Quite simply, women want to fuck a man and not a boy.

Yes @GBS, you're right, it's all too easy to step back into our "child state" and fall back into what's normal - even though normal more often than not slowly kills a man. I can't think of anything more normal than looking at porn these days. I also can't think of anything more childish than looking at porn to solve "our problems."

Thus, let us extract all these boy-like patterns and thoughts from our lives.

Looks like we've got ourselves another battle over the horizon boys. In life, there is no retreat!

I almost forgot, it's Day 340!

 

[Blondie]

 

[downhillfromhere]

Thanks @downhillfromhere that's brilliant! I don't believe I've ever have heard about this before, I'll have to check it out. What is the book called?

I think it definitely makes sense though, and just being aware of this would help us all. After reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book, I've been following that same path almost inadvertently , because he talks about something similar in that book as well. For example, a man falling into an almost mother/son relationship with his wife, and all the problems that can cause in a relationship. Over the last ten years that book has helped me tremendously as I've tried to weed out anything like that in my current relationship (I'm still working on it!). I can tell you straight up, women don't like being the mother figure in your life. Quite simply, women want to fuck a man and not a boy.

That's for sure, and I should hope not! I think too many men fall into the same category, failing to see their wives as an actual adult or equal partner and seeing them like a mother instead. One of the best examples I can think of is the cliché of guys talking about "the ball and chain", complaining that the wife is nagging them etc. Helping out with the dishes if asked, but never actually taking charge of getting it done, never assuming control over things, especially mundane tasks around the house. That is the precisely the relationship between a son and a mother/parent figure, like you say.

I have been guilty of doing the same thing in my previous relationship. It can be really hard to see when you are in the middle of it.

This is definitely very similar to what I was talking about. The book is called TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis by Ian Stewart and Vann Joines. I think you would like it, although it seems somewhat geared towards educating psychologists. I can also recommend Scripts People Live by Claude Steiner which I really enjoyed reading, but it is slightly outdated as it was originally released in 1974.

Very interesting @downhillfromhere my therapist is also on about switching the mind state. The “hurt child” comes out too often for me. I am told that replacing hurt child with “adult” is the mantra. We all need to grow up and be real men. It’s so obvious and yet still easy to lapse into the child state. But as we grow apart from one of our safest territories, porn, so we see the benefits of being responsible and decent and strong. The mind battle is everything.

Sorry @GBS, forgot to reply to you.

Yes, it's the same with me. I've been prone to being very passive, and expecting things from others, leaving things up to them - nothing gets done if nobody else takes charge. Childish behavior. Like you say we need to grow up to be adults, and also develop our own "nurturing parent" that we have access to - this is the side of us that we use to not only take care of ourselves, but also the other people in our lives. The interplay between our different states of mind I think can teach us about ourselves if we pay attention.

 

[Blondie]

That's for sure, and I should hope not!

I was hoping someone would notice that

Thank you for that inciteful comment @downhillfromhere, I will definitely check out that book. I love everything psychology, plus whatever I can use to help me with porn and more importantly, improve my life, is always a bonus.

I was also extremely passive in my younger years and I've had to learn not only how to be more assertive when called for, but also being okay with sharing to my partner my needs and desires as a man, and not being ashamed of them. This is a constant process and I have much more work to do. But I can honestly look back at the guy I was in my twenties and have a good old laugh at all the nonsense I either put up with, or kept too quit about when I needed something in my relationships but was too much of a coward to say it, or didn't even know I had the right to say it!

I would definitely recommend that book No more Mr. Nice Guy. It's a stupid title but a hell of a book and I think you would enjoy it. Just mentioning it now, I might reread a little today while I'm thinking about it.

In ancient societies, boys use to have a ritual where they passed from boyhood to manhood. I made a joke about that with a meme a while back that quitting porn is the modern day equivalent. I was serious but now I think I'm even more serious. Us men severely need stuff like that that would hold us accountable and set standards that we would have to live up to to be considered a "man".

Interesting things to think about...

 

[Simon2]

In ancient societies, boys use to have a ritual where they passed from boyhood to manhood. I made a joke about that with a meme a while back that quitting porn is the modern day equivalent. I was serious but now I think I'm even more serious. Us men severely need stuff like that that would hold us accountable and set standards that we would have to live up to to be considered a "man".

YES! Yes to that. We have lost our rituals that allow us to grow up into responsible men. That's exactly what I was getting at too in my journal - this sacrifice and suffering leads to growth. Just sad that we have to undergo this process as grown-ass men, instead of in our teens when we're supposed to eh? But better late than never

 

[GBS]

Sheesh. The above posts are so bang on. It’s not too late to be a man. I did the laundry yesterday by the way. Massive thanks from Mrs GBS. I need to do it more than once obviously.

 

[downhillfromhere]

Thanks for the recommendation @Blondie, I think it sounds interesting! I think I could definitely benefit from being less nice and reaching for the things I want in life.

 

[Blondie]

Day 341

@SimonM:

Just sad that we have to undergo this process as grown-ass men, instead of in our teens when we're supposed to eh? But better late than never

Yes it's true, but as you said, better late than never. I also think us older guys have a lot of wisdom we can share with the younger generation - which is a positive twist to something that has been so negative in our former lives. We have a lot going for us!

I would rather die a cranky old man free from porn than an old wanker "happy" as a clown!

@GBS:

It’s not too late to be a man

No sir it never is.

I did the laundry yesterday by the way. Massive thanks from Mrs GBS.

Nice! Yes women generally love that kind of stuff. Right on.

@downhillfromhere:

I think I could definitely benefit from being less nice and reaching for the things I want in life.

As could we all!

It's a cliché thing in our culture to say he's a "nice guy" like there's something wrong with being nice. But at the heart of many "nice guys" is actually a lot of not very nice characteristics.

-being nice with strings attached "I did the dishes for you so NOW I deserve sex!"
-covert contracts
-not saying what you really want and desire
-passive aggressiveness
-porn use lol
-ashamed of their sexuality, which is at the root of many porn users; or worse, seeking out prostitutes or cheating because you're not man enough to tell your partner what your needs are as a sexual man.
- Afraid of your masculine energy because your father was an asshole and now you assume being masculine with being your father etc.

That's just a sampling of the book, but yes, it's a great read!

Have a fantastic porn free weekend everyone.

 

[Blondie]

Since I talked up how great that book is, here's a small sample from the first chapter of No More Mr. Nice Guy. The book was written by Robert Glover, none of it is mine.

============================================================================================

Characteristics of Nice Guys

Every Nice Guy is unique, but all have a cluster of similar characteristics. These traits are the result of a script, often formed in childhood, that guides their lives. While other men may have one or two of these traits, Nice Guys seem to possess a significant number.

Nice Guys are givers. Nice Guys frequently state that it makes them feel good to give to others. These men believe their generosity is a sign of how good they are and will make other people love and appreciate them.

Nice Guys fix and caretake. If a person has a problem, has a need, is angry, depressed or sad, Nice Guys will frequently attempt to solve or fix the situation (usually without being asked).

Nice Guys seek approval from others. A universal trait of the Nice Guy Syndrome is the seeking of validation from others. Everything a Nice Guy does or says is at some level calculated to gain someone's approval or avoid disapproval. This is especially true in their relationships with women.

Nice Guys avoid conflict. Nice Guys seek to keep their world smooth. To do this, they avoid doing things that might rock the boat or upset anyone.

Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes.

These men are afraid that others will get mad at them, shame them, or leave them if some mistake or shortcoming is exposed.

Nice Guys seek the "right" way to do things.

Nice Guys believe there is a key to having a happy, problem-free life. They are convinced that if they can only figure out the right way to do everything, nothing should ever go wrong.

Nice Guys repress their feelings.

Nice Guys tend to analyze rather than feel. They may see feelings as a waste of time and energy. They frequently try to keep their feelings on an even keel.

Nice Guys often try to be different from their fathers. Many Nice Guys report having unavailable, absent, passive, angry, philandering, or alcoholic fathers. It is not unusual for these men to make a decision at some point in their lives to try to be 180 degrees different from Dad.

Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men. Due to their childhood conditioning, many Nice Guys have few male friends. Nice Guys frequently seek the approval of women and convince themselves they are different from other men. They like to believe that they are not selfish, angry, or abusive — traits they link to "other" men.

Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority. These men often feel that it is selfish to put their needs first. They believe it is a virtue to put others' needs ahead of their own.

Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center. Many Nice Guys report that they are only happy if their partner is happy. Therefore they will often focus tremendous energy on their intimate relationships.

What's Wrong With Being A Nice Guy?

We might be tempted to minimize the problem of the Nice Guy Syndrome. After all, how can being nice be such a bad thing? We might even chuckle at the Marvin Milquetoast behaviors of these men as portrayed in comic strips and television sitcoms. Since men already represent an easy target in our culture, the caricature of a sensitive guy might be an object of amusement rather than concern.

Nice Guys themselves frequently have a difficult time grasping the depth and seriousness of their beliefs and behaviors. When I begin working with these passively pleasing men, almost without exception, they all ask, "What is wrong with being a Nice Guy?" Having picked up this book and puzzled over the title, you may be wondering the same thing.

By giving these men the label Nice Guy, I'm not so much referring to their actual behavior, but to their core belief system about themselves and the world around them. These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are "nice," they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a smooth life.

The term Nice Guy is actually a misnomer because Nice Guys are often anything but nice. Here are some Not-So-Nice Traits of Nice Guys:

Nice Guys are dishonest. These men hide their mistakes, avoid conflict, say what they think people want to hear, and repress their feelings. These traits make Nice Guys fundamentally dishonest.

Nice Guys are secretive.
Because they are so driven to seek approval, Nice Guys will hide anything that they believe might upset anyone. The Nice Guy motto is, "If at first you don't succeed, hide the evidence."

Nice Guys are compartmentalized. Nice Guys are adept at harmonizing contradictory pieces of information about themselves by separating them into individual compartments in their minds. Therefore, a married man can create his own definition of fidelity which allows him to deny that he had an affair with his secretary (or intern) because he never put his penis in her vagina.

Nice Guys are manipulative. Nice Guys tend to have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want in clear and direct ways. This creates a sense of powerlessness. Therefore, they frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their needs met.

Nice Guys are controlling. A major priority for Nice Guys is keeping their world smooth. This creates a constant need to try to control the people and things around them.

Nice Guys give to get. Though Nice Guys tend to be generous givers, their giving often has unconscious and unspoken strings attached. They want to be appreciated, they want some kind of reciprocation, they want someone to stop being angry at them, etc. Nice Guys often report feeling frustrated or resentful as a result of giving so much while seemingly getting so little in return.

Nice Guys are passive-aggressive. Nice Guys tend to express their frustration and resentment in indirect, roundabout, and not so nice ways. This includes being unavailable, forgetting, being late, not following through, not being able to get an erection, climaxing too quickly, and repeating the same annoying behaviors even when they have promised to never do them again.

Nice Guys are full of rage. Though Nice Guys frequently deny ever getting angry, a lifetime of frustration and resentment creates a pressure cooker of repressed rage deep inside these men. This rage tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times.

Nice Guys are addictive. Addictive behavior serves the purpose of relieving stress, altering moods, or medicating pain. Since Nice Guys tend to keep so much bottled up inside, it has to come out somewhere. One of the most common addictive behaviors for Nice Guys is sexual compulsiveness.

Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries. Many Nice Guys have a hard time saying "no," "stop," or "I'm going to." They often feel like helpless victims and see the other person as the cause of the problems they are experiencing.

Nice Guys are frequently isolated. Though Nice Guys desire to be liked and loved, their behaviors actually make it difficult for people to get very close to them.

Nice Guys are often attracted to people and situations that need fixing. This behavior is often the result of the Nice Guy's childhood conditioning, his need to look good, or his quest for approval. Unfortunately, this tendency pretty much guarantees that Nice Guys will spend most of their time putting out fires and managing crises.

Nice Guys frequently have problems in intimate relationships. Though Nice Guys often put tremendous emphasis on this part of their lives, their intimate relationships are frequently a source of struggle and frustration. For example:

● Nice Guys are often terrible listeners because they are too busy trying to figure out how to defend themselves or fix the other person's problem.
● Because of their fear of conflict, they are frequently dishonest and are rarely available to work all the way through a problem.
● It is not unusual for Nice Guys to form relationships with partners whom they believe to be "projects" or "diamonds in the rough." When these projects don't polish up as expected, Nice Guys tend to blame their partner for standing in the way of their happiness.

Nice Guys have issues with sexuality. Though most Nice Guys deny having problems with sex, I have yet to meet one who isn't either dissatisfied with his sex life, has a sexual dysfunction (can't get or maintain an erection, climaxes too quickly), or has sexually acted out (through affairs, prostitution, pornography, compulsive masturbation, etc.).

Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful. The majority of Nice Guys I've met have been talented, intelligent, and moderately successful. Almost without exception though, they fail to live up to their full potential.

 

[EarthWalker]

Nice Guys are givers. Nice Guys frequently state that it makes them feel good to give to others. These men believe their generosity is a sign of how good they are and will make other people love and appreciate them.

Good Guys give without the expectations of a return. Like the sun. It shines without the expectations of any return. This is true generosity. The Sun doesn't need or want your approval, praise or even acknowledgement that it is there.

I think the Sun is the the best physical example of what masculinity is about.

Maybe not so far fetched to observe the physical world in terms of psychology and philosophy.

Stay awesome everyone. Amazing work Blondie. Thank you for being an inspiration!

EW

 

[Blondie]

Good Guys give without the expectations of a return. Like the sun. It shines without the expectations of any return. This is true generosity. The Sun doesn't need or want your approval, praise or even acknowledgement that it is there.

This is beautiful and I absolutely agree.

Giving for the joy of it and not something you're secretly wishing for can quite honestly change your life. Guys forget this simple fact when talking to women. They falsely think telling a girl she's beautiful or buying he gifts will somehow make her instantly like them! (negative energy). However, another guy can literally say or do the exact same thing and she will love it (positive energy). What's the difference? One man was trying to get "something" from her; a date, her number, a chance to sleep with her, thus, all about him, while the other chap was literally just being authentic with no other needs besides seeing something beautiful in front of him and thanking the universe for it - no strings or hidden agendas attached. Two utterly and complete different energies but yet both used the same words. Think about that!

Obviously a random example, but it was the first one that came to mind.

I think the Sun is the the best physical example of what masculinity is about.

Maybe not so far fetched to observe the physical world in terms of psychology and philosophy.

A great comment. The ancients thought about masculine energy this way and I think they were on to something.

Lesson learned: be a positive energy force in this universe and don't hide your motives and intentions.

Thank you for some great ideas to think and ponder about @EarthWalker.

Best brother.

 

[SmokenMirrors]

Lesson learned: be a positive energy force in this universe and don't hide your motives and intentions.

That is the core concept of masculinity right there

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Kind of sad but there are so few role models out there representing this positive masculinity. Or maybe the other way of saying this is those examples are inevitably mixed up with those with toxic versions or ones without any masculinity at all!

Definitely a topic worth thinking about. I think any man who is that confident in himself will inevitably rub at least some people the wrong way either because a) you're stating your opinions clearly even when others might not like them, b) others are threatened by your level of convictions, or c) you don't apologize for your way of life. Not that you're trying to antagonize anyone but your living your best life as your best version, and the sad truth is most people aren't doing this. So seeing someone who is I'm sure can be a bit jarring

 

[Blondie]

Day 342

Thanks @SmokenMirrors! I truly believe it is.

Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles!

Kind of sad but there are so few role models out there representing this positive masculinity.

This is true. Let us start being those role models!

I think any man who is that confident in himself will inevitably rub at least some people the wrong way either because a) you're stating your opinions clearly even when others might not like them, b) others are threatened by your level of convictions, or c) you don't apologize for your way of life.

It's an axiomatic fact of life that people will try to pull down those who are stronger than themselves, or at the very least, those working on themselves. However, this is to be welcomed, because it shows you who your real enemies are and that's a very beneficial thing to know.

As Churchill said "You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."

We only have one life to live, so let's not piss it away trying to please people who will never like us.

Best brother.

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 342

Thanks @SmokenMirrors! I truly believe it is.

Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles!

This is true. Let us start being those role models!

It's an axiomatic fact of life that people will try to pull down those who are stronger than themselves, or at the very least, those working on themselves. However, this is to be welcomed, because it shows you who your real enemies are and that's a very beneficial thing to know.

As Churchill said "You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."

We only have one life to live, so let's not piss it away trying to please people who will never like us.

Best brother.

Amen