Porn is not an option

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 335

@Ezel:
Oh 😳 man that poem has hit the target for me, it describes perfectly where we are, what are we going through, and our ultimate goal.
Thanks Ezel! Let's keep fighting brother. To hell with that shit!
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Well I orgasmed last night lol. The Lady was gone Friday and Saturday and when she came back last night it was game on. Usually I feel kind of bad when I accidently slip like this, but to be honest, I didn't really care this time. I was so in the moment, I kind of forgot I can't do the speed I usually do without going all the way, thus, I went too far. But isn't this the whole point, to live and be in the moment with your partner?

I can say for sure that I'm definitely further along on my recovery this time than when I was four years ago. I mentioned yesterday that even 12 or 14 months out last time I still had mini flatlines, but this time, I'm alreadly at that stage. I owe this change to the fact that I've eliminated all extra sexual digital content from my life, aka, porn substitutes. Last time that was not the case, I obviously didn't masturbate to anything, but I was still firing and using those same old pathways in my brain when purposely looking at random pictures or watching movies, which inevitably slowed down my recovery.

Moral of the story: if you find yourself lusting after something that isn't even real, step back and engage with the real world. No you didn't look at porn (good job for you!) but please know you're slowing down your progress.

Have a good porn-free Sunday everyone!
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Day 335

@Ezel:

Thanks Ezel! Let's keep fighting brother. To hell with that shit!
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Well I orgasmed last night lol. The Lady was gone Friday and Saturday and when she came back last night it was game on. Usually I feel kind of bad when I accidently slip like this, but to be honest, I didn't really care this time. I was so in the moment, I kind of forgot I can't do the speed I usually do without going all the way, thus, I went too far. But isn't this the whole point, to live and be in the moment with your partner?

I can say for sure that I'm definitely further along on my recovery this time than when I was four years ago. I mentioned yesterday that even 12 or 14 months out last time I still had mini flatlines, but this time, I'm alreadly at that stage. I owe this change to the fact that I've eliminated all extra sexual digital content from my life, aka, porn substitutes. Last time that was not the case, I obviously didn't masturbate to anything, but I was still firing and using those same old pathways in my brain when purposely looking at random pictures or watching movies, which inevitably slowed down my recovery.

Moral of the story: if you find yourself lusting after something that isn't even real, step back and engage with the real world. No you didn't look at porn (good job for you!) but please know you're slowing down your progress.

Have a good porn-free Sunday everyone!
Awesome stuff my dude! Social media truly is a poison by and large. I don't maintain an Instagram / TikTok at all, only Facebook / LinkedIn / Snapchat. Snapchat I almost never use but I checked it out recently and it really is softcore porn...how in the world does this company get away with this??? Even FB with the new Reels copycat of TikTok is now pulling up content like that when all I want to do is see my friends (not some randos).

Having minimized social media in my life I've noticed no deterioration in my relationships. If you want to stay in touch with someone, call them! Or FaceTime! You'll have much better quality of relationships that way LT anyway.

Know what you mean Blondie, TV is hard to avoid such scenes -- you can only self select somewhat & not get crazy (avoid the movie about bondage or something lol), gotta watch Top Gun & the like. I've sometimes caught myself looking at some random pictures on the internet of girls (never MOd though) which definitely slowed down the recovery, so every time I notice I shut it off. Lot of temptations man, what a world we live in
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 336

Thanks @Ezel!

@First_step_thousand_miles:

Social media truly is a poison by and large. I don't maintain an Instagram / TikTok at all, only Facebook / LinkedIn / Snapchat. Snapchat I almost never use but I checked it out recently and it really is softcore porn...how in the world does this company get away with this???
Yeah, it's crazy. I've never really got into "social media" per se, I've only ever used Facebook, but 98% stopped after everything got so political years ago, but that's another story for another place. I don't even know what the fuck TikTok is so I feel happy about that :)

The companies get away with it because it's been completely normalized in our society and no one (the customers) seems to stop and think about how ridiculous it all is.

If I was ever single again, I can't see myself ever using any dating apps, but I guess I'm kind of old school and just prefer talking and meeting women in real life. Sure you might actually get "rejected" sometimes, but it's a real connection and I would prefer that to swiping left or right lol.
Snapchat I almost never use but I checked it out recently and it really is softcore porn
Yes, if you're not being careful, I could see how it could become a substitute porn outlet - just another way to see tons of women you'll never be talking to or ever have in your bed! No thanks.

Yes, it's hard to dodge all the sex scenes in movies, although I try to look away for the most part. What I was referring to was actually the non sex scenes, and just any scene with a pretty actress. When watching TV with my girlfriend, I try to only look at their faces and NOT "check out" their bodies. Obviously you can't do this perfectly, but I noticed how often I would want to watch something because I knew the actress was hot and it would be my way of looking at porn without looking at porn.

Maybe too far the other way? Possibly, but it I think it's trained my mind to not be constantly checking out bodies all the time. If it's not real it's no deal! Of course I still noticed their beautiful faces, and yes, my periphery vision is pretty good too! :cool:

Best man

Addendum: I said I try to dodge sex scenes in movies which is true. However, I will completely dodge certain movies and TV shows if I know beforehand there's going to be tones of sex scenes etc. Just my two cents.
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
“If you are going to say ‘No,’ you need to know what ‘Yes’ is.” –Patrick Carnes

Considering all possibilities can be enlightening. For example, it can be helpful to understand what saying “Yes” to our addiction would mean. What would the impact be on us? What would the impact be on our partner? What would the impact be on our children? How would this impact our career? What would our life look like if we chose to continue on our addictive path? On the other hand, what would the impact of sobriety be on us? What would the impact of sobriety be on our partner? What would the impact of sobriety be on our children? How would sobriety impact our career? What would our life look like if we chose to walk a path of sobriety? By understanding both “Yes” and “No,” we can make more informed and meaningful decisions.

Stein, Timothy. Gifts of Recovery: Daily Meditations for Men and Women in Recovery from Sex & Porn Addiction (p. 255). Kindle Edition.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
@Warhawk88: Thanks man!

@PrometheusUnbound:
It's an action that shouldn't be done just once, but repeated until it's in the bones.
I like this. I think that's what it comes down to in the end; just changing our habits until this new man is completely and utterly normalized.

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Day 337

Don't ever forget, it's not pleasure if it makes you cry in the end.
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
Damn, I'm not even quite half-way through my day and it's alreadly been a fury of emotions. Everyone at school believes in me, but yet I don't believe in myself. At this moment in my life, there are two different people living inside me: the old one I'm all too familiar with and the new one that everyone sees and seems to think is highly capable and has perfect grades.

How does one live with this discrepancy of opinions and not go crazy?

How do I accept this new man that's forming inside me with these new habits but make peace with the old one, the one who's been calling the shots for so very long?

How do you stop running from your past when that's all you've ever known?

My teachers praise me in front of the class and I feel embarrassed and wonder if they're just bull shitting me, or I look around to see if they're talking to someone else.

They don't know me, they don't know where I come from. I was raised in the sticks and deep down I feel I don't deserve this praise.

I'm on dangerous territory. I don't feel tempted per se, but I've been here before, and I feel really stressed at the moment. Anxiety has officially entered my forcefield and many alarms are sounding off.

I like this new man, but sometimes I just want to run for the fucking hills.
 
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Sammyjo

Active Member
How do I accept this new man that's forming inside me with these new habits but make peace with the old one, the one who's been calling the shots for so very long?

How do you stop running from your past when that's all you've known?

My teachers praise me in front of the class and I feel embarrassed and wonder if they're just bull shitting me, or I look around to see if they're talking to someone else.

They don't know me, they don't know where I come from. I was raised by wolves in the sticks and deep down I feel I don't deserve this praise.

I'm on dangerous territory. I don't feel tempted per se, but I've been here before, and I feel really stressed at the moment. Anxiety has entered my forcefield and many alarms are sounding off.

I like this new man, but sometimes I just want to run to the fucking hills.
You've worked hard, you have EARNED all this!

And remember your post from above!:

“If you are going to say ‘No,’ you need to know what ‘Yes’ is.” –Patrick Carnes

Considering all possibilities can be enlightening. For example, it can be helpful to understand what saying “Yes” to our addiction would mean. What would the impact be on us? What would the impact be on our partner? What would the impact be on our children? How would this impact our career? What would our life look like if we chose to continue on our addictive path? On the other hand, what would the impact of sobriety be on us? What would the impact of sobriety be on our partner? What would the impact of sobriety be on our children? How would sobriety impact our career? What would our life look like if we chose to walk a path of sobriety? By understanding both “Yes” and “No,” we can make more informed and meaningful decisions.

Stein, Timothy. Gifts of Recovery: Daily Meditations for Men and Women in Recovery from Sex & Porn Addiction (p. 255). Kindle Edition.
 

GBS

Respected Member
@Blondie - not sure I understand you. What exams? It didn’t sound like you writing…..”don’t deserve the praise/want to run for the hills” - please can I have some perspective?
 

Ezel

Respected Member
Hang in there partner, you got this. It's just in your head, don't let it get you down.
You have come this far, you damn deserve what you all worked for Blondie, you are not a fake, you are the big deal, you are the man...
go get'em 🐯 tiger...
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Oh shit, I'm all good @Sammyjo and @GBS and @Ezel , thanks for checking in.

I just struggle sometimes with my past (for educational reasons) and the new me sometimes has a hard time getting use to this new man I'm becoming and this new "educated" guy with top grades. Because of this, I've been given some great opportunities for the last year of school, however, the old part of me gets scared sometimes and just wants to run to the hills and wonders if it's all just a dream.

My post had nothing to do with porn, or even being tempted really, I was just sharing my thoughts to organize them in my head.

Trust me, I won't run to the hills, porn is not an option, and apparently, being stuck in the past shouldn't be either!

It's good to keep it real.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
How do you stop running from your past when that's all you've ever known?
My attitude is: the past doesn't exist anymore. For a long time, I lived with regret and obsessed about the past. In time, I learned to let it all go. Sure, the past comes back to haunt me sometimes, but I stick to that motto. So maybe think about that: stop running from something that doesn't exist anymore. :)
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 338

Thanks again @Sammyjo, @GBS.

@Ezel: I appreciate your support. Thanks brother!

@TryingHarder: lol thanks man! I agree with you that the past doesn't exist anymore, and it doesn't help reflecting upon it in stressful times or "running away" from it. However, the trick is to realize this in the key moment, and to move through it without fucking up everything that matters to me. Yesterday I pulled through, which is good - one more brick in the rampart. Thanks again.

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I'm definitely feeling better today. Last night I planned out what I need to do get these school projects done and keep my head above water with a smile on my face. In years past, a day like yesterday would have had me running for porn as an instant reaction and never thinking twice about it, but yesterday was different. Even just writing my feelings here in the moment helped me sort through them all. I've mentioned this before, but it's almost like I have a PTSD to relapses, and just being in a certain situation like yesterday, almost gives me more stress that I might "screw up" than the actual situation itself. It's pretty fucked up but it's how it feels in the moment. I wasn't really tempted yesterday, but after almost a year it's still in my head, and the thought of fucking up is quite scary an anxiety inducing. Who knows, maybe I'm over cautions, but anything is better than the alternative.

I like this new guy, it just takes a while to get use to him. 3 weeks away from the big milestone! Upward and onward we go.

Best everyone and have a great porn-free day.
 

CloseToToast

Active Member
True Confidence is gained over time. Through patience, through practice, through reflection. Not by inherent nature. If hastily gained, confidence can lead to fallacy. You will always be at odds against your demons. Whatever form they may take (past/present/future) It just so happens that our demons can also be ourselves. Those moments will always arise, expected or unexpected. You allowed yourself to feel, to breathe, to listen, even if within those moments the darkness felt stronger. However it was you that walked out of the storm. Scathed or unscathed doesnt matter. You controlled how you responded to it, and that is why you walked out stronger.

I am glad this forum provides you the needed shelter on your tough days and the outlet to continue your path

Have an amazing day 338 @Blondie
 

SmokenMirrors

Well-Known Member
Glad you fought through it brother! Inferiority complexes can attack anybody, as Wink said, it'll pass when you develop your internal confidence! As people, we have 2 types of confidence. There is internal and external. External is what you project onto others (i.e your classmates thinking you have your shit together and believing you get good grades etc, presumably they inferred that via conversation with you?). Internal confidence is how you feel about yourself deep in your gut. It's your self awareness, your confidence in your skills, your self esteem and a lot of other things. Once you cultivate an environment where you can develop deep internal confidence, and believe that everything will always truly be okay, your anxieties will pass. Keep it up brother, I'm proud of you!
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
These journals really are a wonderful thing, it's so cathartic for us to release our feelings / thoughts and hear from others who are going thru the same thing. Totally understand Blondie, even after 100 days I still have that fear of screwing up where the urges aren't crazy strong but they're still there -- and sometimes it feels like it's so 'easy' to justify and slip up. Glad you powered through it!

it's only natural to think / dream about the past. I have done it a LOT and what I've realized is the past is done. It's comfortable. It's knowable. So we seek comfort in that vs the uncertain future. Change is really hard because it doesn't just happen once but constantly over and over and over again. Take a moment to think about this but the times when we really love to find shelter in the past is when the future is not so bright (or we think it is not so bright). Then ask yourself, why? What about my life do I not like right now as I look over the next 5, 10, 15yrs? And then change that!

For instance, maybe you feel like you have bad health / are overweight. Then eat healthy, workout. Perhaps you feel like your connections with people is drifting. Then go re-build those connections, bite the bullet and call up those old friends and/or join an IM sports league to meet new people. Maybe your career is not going the way you thought. Then maybe it's time for school / finding a new gig / etc. Maybe you feel bored & unaccomplished. Try out a bunch of hobbies and find what thrills you. I firmly believe that the only way for life to get better and better is constant self-improvement. Otherwise you'll always look at the past in an attempt to find shelter.

It really takes a lot of self-reflection. I'm no pro but I've gone through this exercise and at least figured out all the reasons why I cling to the past / am not looking towards the future. Working on correcting them now (the hard part!) though but even as I tackle them piecemeal, I'm finding I think less and less about the past & am less and less worried about the future! So it definitely works, it just takes time & effort to figure out -- and then the hard part is implementing the changes that will get us to be the men that we know we can be. Much love Blondie, always happy to expand on any of this if it's helpful to you
 
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