Day 206
Thanks for your comments Phineas. I always appreciate it. When I first started doing this, my brain kept telling my "You're missing out on something". That is, missing out, if I didn't indulge in my fantasy of not being in a relationship. Funny thing is though, I now feel much more at peace these days not indulging, though it definitely isn't perfect. And don't get me wrong, I'm no moralist in any sense of the term, and I'm not talking about not appreciating beauty here either. My fantasy or fantasies in general was wishing I wasn't in a relationship. Because if that was true, then I could go over to talk to that woman and flirt with her, get to know her dreams and passions, and yes, obviously have sex sometime down the road (certainly not with every women, I'm no Don Juan!). However, it was always more than just sex for me. I just love women, old and young, I don't care, I just love talking with them, always have. Hell, I can't think of a time in my life when I didn't have a least two crushes going on simultaneously. That might even be my first memory in fact. And when I stop looking at porn, this becomes even more so!
When I got into a serious relationship years ago, that was my biggest challenge; how do I not cheat on my wonderful girlfriend and stay monogamous? So far I haven't cheated, although I've had many opportunities, and I guess the cam girls were the closest thing to it. Boy what a dumb ass I was! One of the lowest points in my life for sure. But I've always thought of porn as a shity shity substitute for the real thing. I'm sure a romantic type reading this would tell me that I obviously haven't found the "The One" yet and that I just need to break up with my current lady and get out there and find the right one! But the realist in me says that no such thing exists. And hell, even if I did find another girl who hit all the right notes, knowing me I would discover a new one after a fortnight playing them an octave higher! Which brings me back to my post yesterday, and about appreciating what you have before you.
Either way, the moral of the story is, porn is the worst substitute for your problems. And when we try to escape our reality, our reality becomes even more shity. Thus, perpetuating the cycle.