Lazarus

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 33

Nothing much to report today. Got to do some more gaming with my brother, work's been going a bit easier. Got my vacation scheduled in late November; it'll be interesting to see how that plays out. 9 days left to my own devices without the time consumption of work. Hopefully the road to that point toughens me up for it. It's a good thing I've still got my pillar to rely on.

Guess I'll also barf up my mind a little bit here and say that, while I wouldn't mind having an S.O. to help me through this process, I'm also gladdened that I get to do this without one. Removes some additional pressure and makes it less about pleasing others than about standing on my own two feet, unfettered. And if I meet someone down the line, I get to go into it without this bogeyman under my bed. It's a little funny how I've been processing this season of singleness better when I'm not constantly exposed to the worst depictions of love, sex and romance.

Anyway, that's all. Hope y'all are doing well.

 

[SWARAJ@99]

Day 30

Day. Thirty. Could type those words out a few more times. Day friggin' 30!

I almost can't believe I got this far. I thought success would be more gradual, but I've been blessed! I'm winning the fight!

And the next victory is in the mind. I haven't been making my to-do lists lately because of how hectic work's been. I need to get back into it; something about doing those makes bringing my thoughts into submission easier. I've got to do internally what's been done externally. Capture my wild and perverted thoughts; do a nice deep clean. Then I'll statt hitting the porn cravings where they live.

This is only the start, but, by the deliverance of God, I'm proud of it. I'm proud of myself. I've accomplished this through Christ who strengthens me, and I'm deeply gladdened and proud.

Proud of you brother

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 34

Gonna cut right to the bad news. While looking stuff about a game character, found some P. Also M'd a little in bed last night. Very nearly M'd in the shower the next morning.

Throughout tonight I was very negative internally. God held me close, though, and peace won the battle inside me. Urges have still been strong all night, but God hasn't left me.

I'lll get through this.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Relapse Report

Had a movie night with my family on September 4th. Didn't know what we were watching until it started playing. [Material Warning] The movie was Running Man, a dystopian flick about a lethal game show for convicts. There was this one scene, early on, of a bunch of models dancing around provocatively in leotards. [End of Material Warning] Triggered me bad. Later on, after my family went to bed, I took a shot of whiskey, hopped into the shower and M'd. Didn't play my Christian metal, instead played synthwave music, which as a genre gets me going.

O'd. Immediately my mind went to one thing: "I just threw away 34 days of progress." Got out, dried off, and before I even put my clothes back on I got down on my knees and plead for mercy. At that point I didn't even care about the streak, I just couldn't forgive myself for Judasing my God until I knew He had forgiven me. Thankfully, in His endless grace, he comforted me. He told me, "I took you further than you've ever gone before, and I can do it again."

In time I stood back up and redressed. Guess I'm starting off at day 0 again. Though at least I know my old record's been broken. Here's hoping I break this new one too.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 1

Post-nut anxiety was pretty strong throughout yesterday and the early parts of last night. Urges are def back, though not in full force. I expect them to get stronger soon, but I've been through this before. Just gotta do what worked last time.

To-do lists, regular prayer and Bible reading, plus exercise and reading other stuff. With work, that makes a pretty full schedule with not a lot of room for slip-ups.

Just sucks to be starting all over again, even if that ain't really the case. If I make it through this next month, then maybe this slip-up didn't cost me everything.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 2

Busy day off today. Looootta reading. No P, no M, nothing to report.

Onwards!

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 3

Moderate urges kicked up before bed. Prayed. Resisting.

Got my exercise in today.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 4

Urges more under control now, though I sorta had to white-knuckle my way to sleep yesterday. Rough going, but I made it without any M.

It's hard to feel hopeful, with this reboot and about life in general, but I'm going to risk hoping for better times anyway. The King always has another move.

 

[SWARAJ@99]

You are a warrior

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 5

Today's been a rough one, and yet a blessed one. Thank you, Swaraj, for being a constant help in my journey.

My self-esteem and mood were in the gutter for the lion's share of today. Self-comparison, old bitter feelings... I felt like I'd lost my purpose and was just being dragged day by day through life.

Then God reminded me who I am. I got a text from my friend, who told me that he'd been wrestling with depression all week. I cancellled my after-work plans and went straight to his place to encourage him. I think it did as much good for me as it did for him.

One of the spiritual gifts the apostle Paul wrote about in the epistles is the gift of exhortation. Encouragement. Rallying the soldiers of faith to action and good cheer. I firmly believe that this is my strength and calling. By lifting up my brother, I rise alongside him. That's how I fight this and win.

 

[SWARAJ@99]

Love you brother

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 7

Sorry about missing yesterday; had an awful lot on my plate. Still do, really, but rest is coming soon. I had a wonderful moment after work today where I could really feel the nearness of my Savior. It gave me a strange sense of hope and longing for what isn't yet but will be. Makes this fight for my path all the more pressing.

Also, noticing that I've gotten several compliments on my looks today. I do seem to be thinning out a bit lately. Reason that matters is because a lot of my drive to PMO comes from self-image issues and insecurity, so that's been a blessing.

Long few days, but a good few days. Things'll get even better in their time.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 8

Day started off pretty well, if a bit wobbly. Woke up extra early and made a bunch of food for a hang-out with some friends. Then went to work. Pretty tired. No PMO, but decently strong urges going on.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 9

No PMO. Strong urges. Hung out with a friend and exercised today. Getting through it.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 10

No PMO today. Just lots of work. Feeling worn out. Still going, though. Sorta having to mentally prepare for my next night off; lotta stress to shake off. But God is faithful; His word has been placed in my heart.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 12

First night off in 9 days today. First time I got to spend a Saturday morning with my family in God-knows-how-long. Also worked out a pretty serious emotional rut I've been in for a few days tonight. Glory to God.

Oddly enough, urges have been almost non-existent today. Even right now, I feel pretty stable. Maybe working through some of the gunk in my heart removed the pressure that the old me would normally vent by slammin' the salmon.

Felt pretty bad at the start, but today was my best day in a while.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 13

Had my first nocturnal emission yesterday. I don't mean my first since I started this reboot, I mean my first in my life. I remember part of my dream where I caught myself M'ing and tried to stop, then lost control and O'd. Felt guilty and ashamed, then I think the dream faded out. As I got out of bed today, I noticed a stain on my garments and remembered. Had to weigh on it a bit and talk it over with some friends in the fight, but ultimately concluded that it wasn't an actual relapse. In an odd way, I'm sort of proud that, grace of God, I've made it far enough to have this issue.

Not at all coincidentally, urges today were pretty strong. Had to really fight at key points throughout. Still though, I'm here.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 16

Been a rough ride these past 3 days. I've been backsliding into old habits of M-ing in the shower. If I take my phone in with me and play Christian music, it pushes me not to, but twice since my last post, I've gone in without it. I haven't O'd, but this is costing me momentum and weakening my foundation. I need to turn around now and re-establish my good habits. In pursuit of that, I've gotten back into making to-do lists before bed. Having a list helps me to organize and value my time more.

Otherwise, no M today. I honestly thought I was going to completely relapse, but Swaraj has been checking in on me intermittently. It's helped me keep my cool and stay focused.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 17

I'm ruining my own efforts here with this edging I've been doing. I have to start keeping my Christian music on me. That's a big part of what soothes the savage beast. Still no P or O, but it feels like I'm losing real ground.

The edging ends here.

 

[FiveFortyFour]

Day 18

No. Edging. None today. Brain fog from the past few days was manifesting at my work. Boss had to sort me out, reasonably. One more fine reason to knock this crap off.

Did my workouts. Read my Bible. Think I may just sleep a little easier today.

Not one more day.