Crawling from the wreckage

TryingHarder

Active Member
How often do you MO? And when you do, what do you think about? How many/much of your fantasy world can you still access?
The simple answer to that is: occasionally, and unfortunately I'm still thinking about favourite porn girls. :cautious: Which is terrible, since earlier in the reboot I was able to use my imagination, or even sometimes let my mind go more or less blank and just enjoy the physical sensations. At the moment, I'm resolving for another 30 days without MO.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
My dear @TryingHarder - I knew there was a cute quote someone used under their posts, and then I remembered it was yours!

“I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit.”

Sorry to chuck that at you - I am not a spiteful man.

You're one of my inspirations on here. You kept me going along with others. You still are. I gripped onto the fantasies SO hard. They have (almost) completely gone now. I miss them terribly and wonder if/when I have sex again if my sex life will be better. Everyone says it will be, and i am sure if I work on it, it will be, but how sure can I be? Answer - far from sure. It's a leap of faith to let it all go. It's not easy to let it go, in fact it's really hard. I had to do the 90 day monk mode to do it. That's the answer...well it was for me. When I got to 45 days first time round, I was cracking up so I gave in. Tried again and found the 45 day issue was bad but not unbearable. It got bad at 75 days. I lasted but the last 2 weeks were hell. It is possible. See how far you can go. Then try again. Then try again. We're undoing years of neural pathways - it has to take a long time truly to heal.

Good luck, pal. I am by your side.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 202.

Not too much to report, other than staying clean and (trying) to stay away from the internet and stupid image searches. Damn internet seems to be clutching at my ankles as I try to walk away. One image search this week. :mad:

New idea/concept: A porn addiction is like being poisoned. It makes you sick and causes damage. I have cut off the source of the poison, but it will take time for the poison to be cleaned out of my bloodstream. In other words, the addiction lasted for more than 20 years; I can't expect to be cured in just over 6 months.

Another interesting moment: without any MO, I spent some time dreaming up some "normal" sexual fantasies. No porn-y business, just more or less realistic scenarios to tickle my libido. Like how sex might happen after a date in my living room and/or bedroom.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Just started reading James Clear's book Atomic Habits. Checked out his website and Twitter feed briefly. This bit of wisdom stands out:

Screenshot 2022-11-13 110704.png
For many of us, depression leads to an addiction. If we can emerge from the fog of depression, stress, anxiety, and other bad vibes and look at the bigger picture, it has huge benefits. Do what you can to lessen stress, drama, unpleasant situations in life, and the need for an escape (an addiction) will lessen and fade away. I've remarked that beating an addiction comes down to discipline and willpower, but sometimes finding the strength for that willpower is an uphill battle. First come in out of the rain, take off your wet coat, dry off, and then try again when the weather is nicer.

Easier said than done, of course, but I'm doing everything I can to lighten my load and make significant changes in my life to ease the depression. In turn, the addiction will continue to lose its grip on me until it finally withers and dies.
 

Nico

Active Member
I like that - I have been feeling depressed too, but am determined not to let that stop me from quitting. I suppose its a question of finding the energy to do the things that lead to nicer weather, without hiding in porn until the storm passes! It is easier said than done, but you are doing really well mate :)
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
How occasional is “occasional MO’?
Once every couple of weeks. At the moment, it's confusing, since I wonder is that too much? If I have a good time and use my imagination, that's surely a good sign? Or maybe I just need to commit to only once a month. The other annoying thing is that if I MO and don't have a positive experience, that's disappointing and I think "well, that doesn't count, try again". But the disappointing experience probably is a sign that something's wrong and I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. :cautious:
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Day 209.

The true definition of madness is repeating the same action, over and over, hoping for a different result. – Albert Einstein

Yesterday, in a moment of despair over some financial stress, I once again tried to deal with it the only way my troubled mind has known for years: looking at porn.

No relapse, I hasten to add, but a few minutes looking longingly at pictures of some of my favourite porn girls. Like they were old friends. Like we actually had sex in the past. Remember all of the fun we had together? Look at those eyes...

This morning, I remembered the Einstein quote. If looking at porn would solve my problems, put more money in my bank account, and make me a better, happier person, then surely 20+ years of being a porn addict would have made me into an extremely happy and contented millionaire. Oh wait – all my porn addiction did is waste my time, warp my mind, and cause a lot of damage.

At the moment, the very idea of finding comfort in pictures of naked girls half my age fills me with revulsion and shame. Mere pictures on a screen. No human connection, no real comfort. A complete waste of time. And yet, when depression gets the best of me and wants a dopamine fix, it seems like a good idea. I'm very angry with myself right now. Not in a self-destructive way, but in a way that I hope will re-ignite my willpower and discipline to crush my porn addiction.

No relapses, no retreat!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Sorry my friend but I am going to say it. The longer you keep MO’ing the more the Google searches will keep happening. I am very irritating on this subject because I am that kind of person. MO feeds the brain. The brain can make you come back to all the bad stuff unless you starve it. Sorry but you probably know I am right.

Go hard mode. You can do it. It’s fucking hard which is why the rewards are so great.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Sorry but you probably know I am right.
Not saying you're wrong, but don't know if you are right, either. Earlier in the reboot, MO was fun and not a problem. Used my imagination, and at that time there was no X-rated image searches. But I agree that my brain (or, really, the addiction) needs to be starved. Time to get back to zero browsing for porn and generally limit my time on the internet.
 
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