Crawling from the wreckage

[TryingHarder]

It's another struggle isn't it, @Blondie? Whenever I get the urge to eat junk food, I ask myself: why do you want it? Because life is good and a bit of junk food is fun? Proceed and enjoy. Because of some negative vibes? Don't do it.

When I talk about anxiety eating, what I mean is going to the grocery store in a mental fog, only knowing that I want to feel better. I pick up a gross package of brownies, take them home, eat half of them, and then toss out the rest in embarrassment and disgust over what I just did. Or standing in my kitchen late at night eating peanut butter out of the jar because I feel sad about something.

We tell ourselves we have "earned" a donut since we went to the gym this week. We think we "deserve" some potato chips after a tough week at work. Of course, regular exercise really earns us better physical and mental health; that's what we truly deserve.

That being said, I did work out 5 times this week and currently have a bag of chips waiting for me in the kitchen.

 

[Blondie]

It's another struggle isn't it, @Blondie? Whenever I get the urge to eat junk food, I ask myself: why do you want it? Because life is good and a bit of junk food is fun? Proceed and enjoy. Because of some negative vibes? Don't do it.

Hey @TryingHarder, it really is. I know when I get stressed with deadlines and exams etc. that's when those excuses start kicking in. Why don't you have one more serving? Go buy another muffin with some coffee. Why not have pasta again for the third time this week, and things of that nature.

It's a journey for sure.

That being said, I did work out 5 times this week and currently have a bag of chips waiting for me in the kitchen.

I ate that bag last night!

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 588 (no PMO)

Day 63 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Still feeling good. Urges to look at porn are fading. BUT my mind has been drifting to sexual thoughts without context or reason. So is this normal libido sprouting again, or the porn addiction making an attempt at a comeback? Depression and bad vibes happen = porn addiction wanting PMO or MO or at the very least sexual thoughts. Mental kung fu: a slap and a punch for this bullshit, I have better things to do.

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 589 (no PMO)

Day 64 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Although it should be obvious, it is very difficult to accept that recovering from a porn addiction takes a lot of time.

My 20+ years of porn addiction won't be cured in 6 months. Or a year. April 2024 will be 2 years clean for me (with some minor setbacks this summer when I looked at porn or substitutes but didn't MO). Although I have made a lot of progress, the addiction casts some very long shadows.

20+ years of damage. Breaks my heart to think about it. What a fucking waste of time. Life can only be understood backwards, but we have to move forwards. I'll be damned if I spend the next 20 years of my life like the past 20.

No relapses, no retreat!

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 591 (no PMO)

Day 66 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Old me vs. new me

Me, 3 years ago after a very tense day at work:

• dwell on what happened
• imagine worst case scenarios
• let the frustration and anger flow
• look at porn and masturbate

Me, 1 year ago after a very tense day at work:

• dwell on what happened
• try but not succeed in letting it go
• look at porn and know that this is useless but I can't help myself
• anxiety eat

Me, today after a very tense day at work:

• process my emotions but not get overwhelmed by them
• think of solutions instead of dwelling on the problems
• do some kung fu moves at home for 20 minutes as a healthy way to focus and move on
• zero interest in looking at porn

I think I like the new me.

 

[GBS]

The reason you like the new you is he’s a real human being. And a fucking hero.

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 587 (no PMO)

Day 72 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Still resisting any urges to look at porn or subs. Still feeling pretty good. Although it's been a tough month at work, so I'm looking forward to two weeks off over the holidays to recharge my batteries.

 

[Blondie]

Nice @TryingHarder. Nothing is better than getting through stressful times and not going back to it. I'm feeling that myself.

Have a great Christmas!

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 596 (no PMO)

Day 81 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Enjoying a nice long Christmas vacation, but still troubled by moments of anxiety and feeling restless. I'm getting very good at shutting down unwanted sexual thoughts, since I know deep down that's the addiction talking.

Although it's almost been two years since I quit PMO, the fog is still clearing. I think about the progression of my mind when faced with depression, anxiety, or other bad vibes:

1. Look at porn and jerk off
2. Think about favourite porn girls and jerk off thinking about porn scenarios
3. Look at porn or porn substitutes
4. Think about real women and masturbate, thinking about more realistic scenarios
5. Think about real women, get the urge to masturbate, but say no
6. Realize that there's a time and place for sexual thoughts

As mentioned before, I don't want to completely subdue my libido, but if I'm having sexy thoughts in the middle of the afternoon or first thing in the morning, that doesn't really make sense. I'm 99% sure it's my troubled mind reaching out for the shitty solution it wanted for many years of porn addiction.

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 601 (no PMO)

Day 86 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 610 (no PMO)

Day 95 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Still doing well, but occasionally drawn to look at porn substitutes or - at the very least - some good looking actress photos. I remind myself that I won't find any real comfort, joy, or accomplishment by looking at something sexy on my computer screen.

 

[Blondie]

Nice job @TryingHarder on 95 days clean. That's a hell of a new year's present.

How's your martial arts going?

Best

 

[TryingHarder]

Kung fu is still cool, @Blondie. It's teaching me patience and dedication. As I must have mentioned earlier, the idea of starting something that I know will take me years to get good at is an interesting feeling. On the one hand, I'm impatient and wish there were some shortcuts, but know that simply going to class every week and practicing is the way to knowledge and success. If I make an analogy to my porn addiction, I wish there had been some short cut I could have taken to crush the addiction sooner, but - like so many things in life - it comes down to daily discipline, keeping the promises you make to yourself, and letting time pass.

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 617 (no PMO)

Day 102 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Still doing well. Unwanted sexual thoughts are still happening occasionally, but I'm getting much better at shutting them down.

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 618 (no PMO)

Day 103 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

While meditating this morning, I started to think about all the things I'm grateful for. Lately, I've had this weird sense of something's not right, something's wrong even when - all things considered - I'm doing quite well. So making a list of things I'm grateful for lifted my mood.

Of course, being PMO free for almost two years is something I am very grateful for. I went through some really tough moments over the last couple of years that ran parallel to me quitting porn. It would have been easy for me to relapse and find grotesque comfort in porn, but I didn't.

Porn addiction is shameful, and therefore not easy to talk about. Even after all this time, I have not confided in anyone what I've been going through (other than psychologists).

So since I can't stand up in front of anyone and say "I'm grateful for beating a porn addiction" I thought I would do it here, quietly, with my fellow travellers. Here's hoping everyone else can do the same.

 

[GBS]

Nice one @TryingHarder …..

So since I can't stand up in front of anyone and say "I'm grateful for beating a porn addiction" I thought I would do it here, quietly, with my fellow travellers. Here's hoping everyone else can do the same.

I am grateful for being a porn addict too. It is liberating.

 

[joepanic]

OOPS GBS better look at getting your statement in the previous post edited....

Trying harder I am in the same boat No one knew I was a porn addict and i have since beaten it. I don't feel the need to stand up and tell the whole world either. i don't think it's going to help me any further. I posted in the success stories to very little fanfare but that may be because of some of my views but that's okay with me. I know I am clean and that is what matters

 

[TryingHarder]

I am grateful for being a porn addict too. It is liberating.

Yes, @GBS maybe needs to click the "edit" button on this one!

Day 622 (no PMO)

Day 107 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

I continue to do my best to shut down unwanted sexual thoughts (and unwanted thoughts in general). Our minds are like monkeys: always scurrying around, jumping from branch to branch. Knowing that lack of focus is a definite sign/symptom of depression, whenever I find myself scatterbrained, I know I need to regroup and focus.

I know I am clean and that is what matters

Yes, it's certainly an accomplishment that most guys keep to themselves. On the one hand, I would like to share and have someone tell me "wow, that must have been really tough, you should feel proud", but also agree that it probably won't help me any further. Being clean and staying clean is the real reward here.

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 633 (no PMO)

Day 118 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Slowly but surely unwanted sexual thoughts are fading away. Even though it wasn't that long ago, thinking about PMO or even looking at porn seems like remembering something from my childhood.

One interesting thing... As a middle-aged man, 99% of the time when I see a woman and take a moment to admire, I realize she's half my age. Last week the extremely rare 1% happened. I encountered this total silver fox at my kung fu school. She's married and attends classes with her kids, so of course off limits. But just for once I didn't feel like a dirty old man.

 

[TryingHarder]

Day 640 (no PMO)

Day 125 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Overall I'm doing very well, but some stress and anxiety over the last week resulted in urges to MO and/or look at or think about porn. Each time I have quietly told myself "don't do it". No new insights, just proud that I've had the discipline and willpower to shut down the sleazy thoughts and urges.