Crawling from the wreckage

downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
I struggle a lot with this as well. I've had weeks without even a small urge to look, but sooner or later the day comes where the thought enters my head - and the more often the thought appears it begins to wear on my ability to say to.

Personally I find that books, articles, videos or podcasts discussing the subject helps a lot. Basically reminding myself of how much is actually at stake, and that it's never worth it. The relapses I've had lately always come after I stop doing this periodically, at least one or two days a week.

There are a lot of great things you're already doing. Cutting down on cheap dopamine like screen time is great, meditation too - where you can look beneath the surface and actually look at the things that aren't always apparent.

As for willpower - I'm not sure it actually helps. I mean - actively trying to pull away from something like this might have the opposite effect. I think there needs to be more focus on what you want to spend your time on, not thinking about what you don't want to do. Every time you think about not looking at porn or substitutes, your attention is still on it. Think of the phrase "any publicity is good publicity". Criticizing something or someone you don't like is still giving that thing attention, your time is better spent focusing on what you actually want to do in the moment.
That said, I know it's not easy. I find myself incredibly restless at times, trying to find distractions but sometimes it's not enough. I'm hoping to get to a point where I'm too preoccupied with the things I enjoy to even think about porn.
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
Those articles always help me to refocus too, especially the ones written by or about former porn stars who talk about the reality. There may be some exceptions, but the vast majority are being terribly exploited. It helps a lot to see them as real people with real thoughts, feelings, and problems.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 546 (no PMO)

Day 21 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Thanks for checking in @Blondie. I'm still doing well. Porn thoughts are fading away. One or two MO sessions in the last month, but not fueled by anxiety or depression and not thinking about any porn scenarios, just a few minutes of fun. :sneaky:

I won't go into details, but earlier this month I received some good news that has definitely changed a lot of things and lifted a weight off of my shoulders. Being able to focus on positive things instead of constantly swatting away at bad vibes is a welcome change of pace.

No relapses, no retreat!
 
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TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 554 (no PMO)

Day 29 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Although I'm still not out of the woods yet, I find myself feeling a lot better about beating the porn addiction these days. Even after some shaky moments this summer, my confidence and discipline has returned.

Time to once again share the promise I made to myself more than a year ago to start my recovery from both porn addiction and other self-defeating habits. Pleased to report that these days I'm keeping all of these promises.

I will never look at porn again.

I will not eat junk food in an attempt to feel good.

I will take care of myself with good food, exercise, meditation, and a good night's sleep.

I will reject the things that are negative, trivial, grotesque, and a waste of my time.

Instead, I will concentrate on what is positive, productive, creative, and a good use of my time.

I will remember that the past doesn't exist any more. Any unpleasant memories or people who have hurt and disappointed me also do not exist any more.

I will explore my emotions instead of being overwhelmed by them.

The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step. Every day I stay true to this promise is a step in the right direction.

Maybe I need to insert another one: There's a time and place for sexual thoughts. Beware of misguided sexual thoughts that are anxiety and depression in disguise.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 557 (no PMO)

Day 32 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

I haven't posted a lot over the past few weeks, mainly because I've been pleasantly busy but also because I feel I don't have anything new to say. But over the past few days I've had some new insights.

Taking a look through the intriguing Easy Peasy website, a few things turned on some lightbulbs in my head.

Perceiving yourself as a loser if you miss out on sex, as if it’s the most important thing in the human experience.

Sex is fun and should certainly be a part of everyone's life. A long lasting porn addiction has warped my mind, ruined my libido, and I often despair about the sex life I have never really had. Even when I start dating again, the idea of not being able to perform sexually is very frightening. But maybe - as the Easy Peasy author points out - maybe sex isn't the most important thing in the human experience. I'm guessing most couples' time together in a relationship is probably 95% non-sex and about 5% sex. But that 5% carries so much weight!

This is one of the many ways that porn warps our minds: sex is the ultimate activity and men should be able to stay hard for hours and boink all night long. In real life, not so much. Do I want good sex in a relationship? Of course. But what I mainly want is companionship, friendship, and affection.

Since I'm in flatline, MO isn't fun and I have largely given up on it. I have these weird debates when it comes to thinking about sex. At first, I told myself no, because "thinking about sex" was really thinking about porn. Then, in order to MO, I had to think about real women. Either situation was strange to me, because for years all I had to do is look at porn and then everything went on terrible auto-pilot.

So at the moment, I tell myself not to think about sex. Not because I am fearful of sex, not because of any moral reasons, but because of the idea above: we're taught that sex is the most important thing in the human experience and I'm a loser if I miss out on sex, or at the very least think about it. Here's a crazy idea: why don't I stop thinking about sex until I start dating a woman and it's time to have sex? I don't constantly think about doing my taxes until it's time to do my taxes. 🙃

Porn is difficult to give up because of the fear we’re being deprived of our pleasure or prop. The fear that certain pleasant situations will never be quite the same again. Fear you’ll be left unable to cope with stressful situations. In other words, it’s the effects of brainwashing deluding us into believing that sex — and by extension orgasm — is a must for all human beings. Even further, it’s the belief there’s something inherent in internet porn that we need, and that when we stop using we will be denying ourselves and creating a void.

Ah yes, the void. Throughout the 18 months of my reboot and no PMO, I have felt like something was missing. My day or my week is never complete. I rush to do my weekend errands so I have time to... Do what exactly? Waste more of my life looking at porn or endlessly loitering on the internet hoping it will make the dopamine flow?

I now realize there IS something missing from my life: bullshit. I'm doing my best these days to spend my time doing things that are positive, productive, and creative.
 
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TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 568 (no PMO)

Day 43 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Still feeling good. Urges to look at porn are low or non-existent.

6 weeks ago I took a step into the unknown and started learning kung fu. It's super interesting: it's fun, it's confusing, it's a fascinating challenge. Too early to say that it's changed my life, but committing to something a little weird, where I am forced to be patient, humble, and curious all at the same time is great.

Twice a week I get a work out, followed by learning new moves and poses and doing them over and over again until it's correct and comes naturally. Also a lot of neat life lessons and light bulb moments: mainly that in kung fu (and life) there is a time to be hard and swift, and there is a time to be soft and relaxed. Knowing when is a learning experience.

The self-defense aspect of kung fu is interesting to me - learning how to take care of business in case some bozo tries something stupid - but that is of much lesser interest to me than learning something new, doing something different, and the strange feeling of being comfortable with being uncomfortable.

If someone had told me a year ago: hey, you know what would be fun on a Tuesday night? Go to a sketchy part of town, run and jump and shout a bunch, work up a sweat, then spend time locking forearms and hands with someone over and over again, I would have thought what the hell, I'm not doing that! And yet, here I am and really enjoying it. 😄
 
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TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 574 (no PMO)

Day 49 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Still feeling good. Urges to look at porn are still low or non-existent. However, once in a while, memories of favourite porn girls happen. That's when I repeat my mantra: Forget them. Forget their names. Forget their faces. They're not your friends. You never had sex with them. They don't exist.

Still really enjoying the kung fu classes. They have been really good for my physical and mental health as well as helping with loneliness. Much better than sitting at home alone, loitering on the internet, and saying no to the siren calls of porn (now more or less a faint whisper) .
 
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