Crawling from the wreckage

TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 432 (no PMO)

Day 7 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

More or less stayed off the internet for most of the week when I was at home. That was refreshing. Urges are fading, but still bothersome.

No relapses, no retreat!
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Good work @TryingHarder - I recall you said you’re single. Your numbers are mighty impressive and perhaps this reveals a palpable weakness of mine, but I think your numbers are more impressive that those of us with wives or partners. We have this built in accountability check right with us. If I relapse I risk losing my marriage. The discipline you require is mentally more challenging. So I just want to tell you that you’re a legend. You tempt yourself every now and then but you’re about 14 months sober from masturbating to porn.

Hero.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 432 (no PMO)

Day 2 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Man, I am really struggling lately, friends. It's been a month of on again off again looking at porn. I know it's wrong, I know it's a waste of time, I know it's dangerous. And yet, lately it's been hard to resist. On Monday, I wasted most of an evening looking at porn. But no PMO.

All the advice I give others - what was the trigger, what could you do different next time, stay off the internet - I can't seem to follow myself.

The reasons why don't really matter any more. Little things become big things in my troubled mind and lead to depression and loneliness, and for 20+ years that always led to the same thing: PMO. I know that no matter what the problem, looking at porn is never the solution. Seems that the addiction I thought I had crushed and walked away from is trying hard to make a comeback.

Not on my watch. Fuck you, porn!
 
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Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Sometimes it's worked for me to just go ahead and MO BEFORE I even sit down to look at P. Try to not do it to P imagery... Then it's done and my mind is cleared right up and I don't end up wasting a bunch of time looking at P. I think MO is probably usually a lesser evil than looking at P - if one is bound to happen. Might not be the right approach for you though - just my own experience.
 
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Leonidas

Leonidas

Active Member
If I may barge in to supplement your thread with one more perspective:

I noticed you're "overall" frame of mind over your recent struggle and compared it against your frame of mind circa 1-2 months ago. It would seem that in the recent past you had found ways through classes and other social events to appreciate everyday women in the flesh... whereas of late I understand there are less social opportunities and a return to focusing on how to avoid relapses, etc?

My take on focusing on very detailed aspects of PMO avoidance and such is a case of "don't think about a polar bear". In any case I found that focusing on NOT relapsing eventually led oddly enough to more relapsing for me! Either way I would recommend you shovel back within your own thread to determine what made your life more successful and enjoyable - and not just with the PMO-free streak - in every regard. What you did in the past can therefore be reproduced to imitate past successes but here's the neat part: it also means you can take a bold new action in the present to lay the groundwork for something really rewarding in the future. Roughly translated: get involved in the project of a lifetime (whatever that might be) and call it the beginning of your new adventure! Speaking for myself, I've always wanted to introduce family to a country I fell in love with decades ago... but a ton of work awaits me: getting up to speed on the social/political climate, re-learning the language, reconnecting with old or lost friendships, planning the itinerary, exploring the countryside, etc.. but I can confidently admit that since I undertook the challenge, I feel more inclined to excel in that project, so whenever PMO temptations emerge I reason that giving in would seriously compromise my goal and priority.

Big projects sound daunting but they bring that certain intangible of living one's life to the fullest. Even if for the mere weeks or months long life cycle of the endeavour.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Your observations are partly correct, Leonidas. Taking those classes and being more social certainly helped my overall mental health. It's an old cliche, but totally true: the devil makes work for idle hands. Staying busy with things that are positive, productive, and creative will always be beneficial.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 443 (no PMO)

Day 15 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Things continue to be okay. I'm quickly able to sort out that any sexy thoughts are generally misguided depression or frustration and shut them down. Although I did have some genuine sexy thoughts about a waitress at a restaurant last night, which is good. :)

Feeling pretty bored lately, so doing my best to change my routine, do some things out of the ordinary, and see where that leads me.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 452 (no PMO)

Day 24 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Haven't posted for awhile, but that's okay. Pretty much the same as my last entry: saying no to pornographic thoughts, knowing those moments are depression and stress in a grotesque disguise.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 456 (no PMO)

Day 0 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Got some very sad news earlier this week. I won't go into details, but my family has learned we don't have too much time left with my mother. That sadness, combined with stress at work and a general feeling that everything sucks saw me revert to old habits. I looked at porn last night, and lost most of an evening yet again. No MO or PMO, so while looking at porn is bad, it's not the end of the world. I clearly know what the trigger was and just have to find more willpower and discipline to stay away from the bullshit.

The sirens were calling, and the addiction tried to remind me how much "fun" looking at porn is. Shut up and fuck off. I'm not a violent person, but sometimes I wish a porn addiction had a physical form so I could get my hands around its neck and choke it to death.
 
Leonidas

Leonidas

Active Member
Sorry about the bad news concerning your mom. I don't know how close/far off she is to an 'ideal' age to pass away, but most likely it might range within the expectation of a typical human life... Or maybe there was an expectation that she'd have for at least another decade and the news therefore might have come as a shock?

As I see it, there is nothing anyone can do - save God - to prevent what destiny has in store for her. But building one last little memory, something you and she can treasure for the rest of her remaining weeks or months of life, I'd say that's totally within your power to achieve yet! All the best to you and your family..
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 460 (no PMO)

Day 1 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Still sad. Still struggling. No PMO or MO. I keep on having to remind myself that I will find no comfort, answers, or solace by looking at porn.
 
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Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Though everything may seem "gray" for a bit, remember that it's not reality. It's a temporary, distorted perception due to low dopamine (and whatever other neurochemical events are working against you).
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 465 (no PMO)

Day 3 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Yesterday my mother passed away. I won't share any details, except to say she was elderly, we knew this day was coming, and my family is relieved that she is finally at peace.

Obviously, this news is sad and I am certainly struggling. No PMO or MO. Once again, I have to constantly remind myself that I will find no comfort or answers by looking at porn. I'll be taking some time off work and a 2 week vacation to help me heal and regroup.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
So sorry. Good luck with healing the grief, coping with the details and everything else that goes with such a profound loss. Glad you're determined to remain on an even keel.
 
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