Crawling from the wreckage

TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 482 (no PMO)

Day 20 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Some time off work (in the mountains last week, staycation this week) has certainly given me time to relax and process recent events. As a result, I haven't even thought about porn, my addiction, MO, etc.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 491 (no PMO)

Day 1 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Generally doing okay, with some serious meditation sessions last week and time spent processing recent events. Many moments of clarity, and yet I still keep on straying from the path and looking at porn/subs. :cautious:
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Can you stay away from your phone at risky times? Block those sites? It sounds like you feel as if you are a sitting duck, just waiting to get hit.:cool:
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
I have never looked at porn on my phone. And yes, I have a blocker on my browser. One of the worst things about porn is that there's just so much of it out there... I wouldn't say I feel like a sitting duck, more like a deer in the headlights. :cautious:
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 493 (no PMO)

Day 3 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Spent some time on the weekend meditating and clearing my head again. I tell myself to remember these key ideas:

You will never find any comfort, solace, or solutions by looking at porn.

Forget them. Forget their names. Forget their faces. They don't exist. You never had sex with them. They are merely pictures on your computer screen. Looking at them is hollow, grotesque, and useless.

What I find so hateful is that I have these moments of clarity and resolve, and it's obvious that I am doing well, putting the addiction behind me, and porn is not an option. And then I find myself looking at porn / subs. It's like one minute the skies are blue and the sun is shining, and a moment later I'm surrounded by fog.

It sounds like such a naïve cliché, but it's always true:

I couldn't help myself...
or
Before I knew what I was doing...

What's also hateful is that this keeps on happening. As another journal thread says: sick and tired of being sick and tired. The goddamn addiction still has strength, even after 16 months of no PMO.

I've posted this one before, but since I seem to be in need of a reminder...

success-really-looks-like.jpg
 
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TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 505 (no PMO)

Day 3 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Still feeling good, but unfortunately listened to the stupid sirens' call earlier this week. I suppose the good news is that every time I find myself on one of the billions of goddamn porn sites out there, I add it to my browser block list and strengthen those defenses. Of course, finding the discipline and willpower to not look at porn at all is the best defense.

I haven't been journaling much lately. No particular reason, other than I'm keeping busy doing other things. Journaling has certainly been helpful - more like invaluable - over the past year, but maybe I feel like I'm expressing the same thoughts over and over again.

Only thing new to report is part of larger good mental health efforts. Mainly: making more of an effort to stay present throughout the day. Instead of dwelling on some bad vibes or fretting about something in the future, I do my best to stay in the present. I mainly do this on long bike rides. My city has an amazing network of trails through our river valley and city parks. Generally, I usually roll past everything with my mind on something else. These days, I focus on what I'm experiencing: the colours of the fall leaves, the sound of my bike tires crackling on gravel trails, tall grasses swaying in the breeze, ducks on the river, etc. Whatever happened at work earlier is gone. I don't think about having to do laundry in the evening. I'm just there, in nature or on the streets, experiencing what's happening.

More than 500 days free from PMO. I think that has earned me a beer tonight. :cool:
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 508 (no PMO)

Day 6 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

For those of you familiar with The Last of Us (the TV series and the videogame), it occurred to me that a porn addiction is like being a zombie:
  • A disgusting thing takes control of your mind
  • It blinds you to reality
  • Porn propagates inside your mind and makes you want to look at more porn
  • It will take a metaphorical shot to the head to make you stop
Time to channel my inner Pedro Pascal and keep blasting my way to freedom. :cool:

pedro-pascal-as-joel-in-the-last-of-us-4122916935.jpg
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 512 (no PMO)

Day 10 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Phew, what a week. Everything seemed to happen all at once, so I was pulled in many different directions, which always causes me anxiety.

Still in flatline. No real desire to MO, since I understand that currently 99% of sexual thoughts are displaced depression or stress. Maybe some day I'll be in a good mood and actually have that 1% of true libido thinking. :p
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 520 (no PMO)

Day 18 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Not much to report, other than I'm staying the course. As the weather gets cooler, I'm trying to spend more time outside before winter eventually sets in. Spent some time hiking in the mountains and did a great 40 km bike ride this morning. Nature is always pretty soothing.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 528 (no PMO)

Day 2 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes) :mad:

Man, how tedious it is to keep on reporting the same old story. Got some family news last week that is worrying me, and in another moment of weakness, answered the sirens' call and looked at porn. I know that I will never find any solace, comfort, or solutions in looking at porn, and yet that's what my troubled mind cries out for over and over. No PMO or MO.

Time to strengthen my resolve and stay away from the bullshit once and for all. But how many times have I told myself that? :cautious:
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Does anyone have some advice about what I could do differently? I have tried all of the following:

Installed an effective blocking plug-in on my computer browser
Do my best to limit time spent online
Remind myself that looking at porn is a complete waste of time
Recite a mantra of "porn will never solve any of your problems"
Meditation sessions where I explore my emotions and realize what the triggers are that compel me to look at porn
Good old discipline and willpower

I mean, I seem to be doing everything right. I know that looking at porn is ridiculous, grotesque, and useless. And yet that part of my brain that feels good by doing it just won't die. Is there something I'm missing? What can I do that I haven't tried already?
 
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