Crawling from the wreckage

TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 654 (no PMO)

Day 139 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

My brain: Oh, you're upset about something, hey? Okay, I know you're not looking at porn anymore. But why don't you look at some porn substitutes? Or think some sexy thoughts? You know you want to. It feels good! Yeah, that's what you should do. Think some porn-y thoughts. Yeah! Do it! Hey! Hey, are you listening?

Me: [silence]

:cool:
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 664 (no PMO)

Day 149 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

I MO'ed a couple of times last week. Not great, but not bad, either. Whether it was healthy libido or my misguided mind going for the wrong solution to problems, I don't know. :cautious:

In just over a month's time, I will be 2 years clean of PMO. Looking forward to celebrating that day.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 687 (no PMO)

Day 172 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Thanks @Dangermouse. Not really much to report these days, other than the passage of time and feeling like the porn addiction was a long time ago (even though it's still less than 2 years).

I'm still having sexual thoughts and urges to MO, but continue to remind myself that there's a time and place for sexual thoughts. Unless there's some healthy cause and effect, I'm saying no to MO and realizing that these thoughts and urges are still being spurred by depression, stress, or other bad vibes. There are better ways to cope.

No relapses, no retreat!
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 719 (no PMO)

Day 181 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Hmmm... Seems like I miscalculated my days without PMO. According to my very first post, April 18 2024 will be the 2 year mark for me, so I have recalculated. :cool:

More or less the same update as last time: reminding myself that there's a time and a place for sexual thoughts, and random sexual thoughts are really depression and anxiety in disguise. On the one hand, I'm making progress for recognizing this and shutting unwanted sexual thoughts down. On the other hand, I lament that it's taking my warped mind so long to reset.
 
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TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 722 (no PMO)

Day 184 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

I'm closing in on my two year anniversary of quitting porn. I certainly feel a sense of satisfaction, but also feeling rather apathetic about the milestone. It's going to be an occasion I largely have to keep to myself.
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
TryingHarder said:
Day 722 (no PMO)

Day 184 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

I'm closing in on my two year anniversary of quitting porn. I certainly feel a sense of satisfaction, but also feeling rather apathetic about the milestone. It's going to be an occasion I largely have to keep to myself.
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It's discouraging that doing the right thing doesn't generate as much good feeling as doing the wrong thing generates guilt feelings, but it's how humans are. It's still a strong accomplishment!
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
TryingHarder said:
I certainly feel a sense of satisfaction, but also feeling rather apathetic about the milestone. It's going to be an occasion I largely have to keep to myself.
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This is the rub, and something we have to get used to (especially those of us who don't have that support). We have to be okay with, and expect that, we hit our milestones or successes without that 'pat on the back' from our spouses.

No parade will be held in our honor (particularly for doing what ought to be done anyway). But for us its important and wholly worthwhile to find a way to celebrate it- even if alone.

Smoke that cigar, treat yourself out to a movie or your favorite restaurant, buy that thing you've been wanting, you deserve it.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 729 (no PMO)

Day 191 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

I feel like I should have some profound musings just before my two year anniversary of quitting porn. I can remember how exasperated, angry, and hopeful I felt two years ago - I was making yet another attempt to quit after many failures. I felt then (just as I do now) that at 54 years of age, I had one last chance. No relapses, no retreat. The past two years have seen a lot of stress and heartbreak in my life, and yet returning to the grotesque security blanket of porn was never an option.

I was thinking the other day that my troubled mind seems to be afraid of letting go of something: looking at / thinking about porn or having sexual thoughts as a way to deal with depression or anxiety. I just remind myself that I will never find any true relief, comfort, solace, or wisdom in thinking about such things. (Unless there happens to be a real, naked woman in front of me ;)) It's taken two years (and counting) for this bullshit's grip on my brain to weaken. I look forward to the day when it's completely gone.

As I mused earlier, it's a strange victory. I should feel proud, happy, accomplished. And I do. But since this is still my deep, dark secret, it's not something that I will be celebrating with friends.

Thanks to everyone on this forum who has been a part of my journal. You're pretty much my only audience for this celebration. :)
 
Percival

Percival

Active Member
Well-done TH! We on this forum know how hard-won it is!

I used to wonder why long-sober alcoholics always described themselves as "recovering" even though they hadn't had a drink in 20 years. Now I understand: it's a long, long fight, often with many more defeats than victories, and constant vigilance is necessary, even long afterwards. I also now understand why alcoholics (or drug addicts, or any other kind of addict) go back to it even when they know it's bad for them: it's comfort in the moment. It takes a lot of discipline to remind yourself continually that it's really not.

So that you've had a lot of stress in the last two years and haven't resorted to your comfort of choice is really good, and a mark of a maturing man. Well done.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 746 (no PMO)

Day 208 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Facing some serious stress at work over the past couple of weeks. A little bad behaviour here and there in an attempt to cope, but nothing I can't live with. The desire to look at porn, porn substitutes, or MO is very low. And yet, I know that moments like this are perhaps when I need to be most on guard.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Day 752 (no PMO)

Day 2 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)

Sigh. Despite best efforts, my troubled mind, warped by years of porn addiction, still thinks it can find some kind of comfort by looking at arousing pictures online. I didn't look at porn, just pictures of actresses that led to some other searches before I shut things down. :mad:
 
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Percival

Percival

Active Member
One of the things that makes porn so difficult is that we're supposed to find looking at sexy women comforting, distracting, arousing, etc. We're designed that way. The warping is doing that excessively and foolishly (for lack of a better word). So don't be too hard on yourself: you succeeded in self-control after being tempted and wavering!
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
It's okay @TryingHarder.

The whole porn sub thing (not just you, just in general) I have never quite figured out because in one sense, it's literally everywhere you look these days. If you happen to take a second look at a billboard, tv ad or even look up an actress with no intent of further porn use or getting off, is that really bad? Now I'm not saying it's a good thing either, I'm just playing devil's advocate for a moment. Speaking for myself, I didn't even know what "porn subs" were until I joined this community a few years ago, and before then I had been looking up actresses here and there and even enjoyed a "nice" picture once in a while without ever thinking once that it was "bad thing." In my head (which could be wrong) it's the whole intent behind the action that's more the problem here. For example, am I looking at this picture as a means to an end, like it's in fact porn? Or even as a way to bridge back to porn, and this action is the first step in the ritual? Or am I simply enjoying it for a moment, then going about my day with porn never being an option? End of story. To me anyway, porn is porn is porn, and we all know it when we see it, everything else is a pretty gray area. However, where we need to draw the line is probably up to each of us to some extent. For myself currently, I still look up actresses once in a while and have no problem with it, but it always comes down to my intent. Am I actually doing this only to stare and lust at them, or is it more just figuring out what movie they were in etc. while also admitting "yes she's hot" but then going about my day and that's that? It seems you thought you were more in the former category than in the latter, which I fully understand and also fell into a couple of weeks ago. However, at that time I had no intent of looking at porn afterwards, thus the "ritual" never began and thus I never felt too bad about the whole situation.

Obviously, we all have to do what we think is best and most helpful for us.

Either way, don't be too hard on yourself, it wasn't porn and that's all that really matters.

Best
 
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TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Am I actually doing this only to stare and lust at them, or is it more just figuring out what movie they were in etc.
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Thanks for your thoughts Blondie. I tell myself that the searches are for information, but then it turns into staring, lusting, and looking up other things for arousal. Like you say, porn is porn, but I'm still troubled by looking at arousing content online. It's the same bullshit addiction thought process: somehow, this will make me feel better. When, in fact, it's a waste of time and I should find other ways to cope.
 
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