456 days.
I used to write obsessively about how many days of MO abstinence I was on. I gave it up. The main reason I did that was that it became this central deciding factor in when I was allowed to release. Like I was under a new legal regime. It was weird actually. My mind would think - ooh, I have done a good 20 days, the RN folk won’t be disappointed in me if I knock one out. Or I could just lie to them!
Really…that’s what I thought. By the way I never lied to you….just want you to know that. It screws with your brain though. I am not having this scramble. What should I do about it? Let’s examine the problem:
My “in my head” rules say that masturbation in general is not what I should do, ever. My abstinence has been the bedrock of my recovery and I think those who fail probably wank too much.
But I am a red blooded man who has temptation in front of him (my beautiful sexy wife) every single day.
When I do MO I think about her.
So what’s the problem, GBS? Thanks for asking…..it’s this. How do I keep abstaining in long patches of time without thinking about that length of time? When the length of time became 90 days, as it did in early November last year, I was eager to reach the 90 day mark because it was this challenge I was taking. But the challenge was a ridiculous made up number. There could have been some science behind 90 days, but doubtless that science isn’t the same for us all given we’re wired differently, we’re different ages etc etc. Still I was ruled by a fixed rigid number. I had to get there. It genuinely ran my life for a while. How much backbone do `I have, I thought. I proved I had a lot.
However I don’t want to slide back to MO. That could be dangerous. At some point, so goes the happy journey I am allegedly on (!!), sex will return and MO can be kissed goodbye forever. Meanwhile though I chart my course through these boring months where everything is static and I wait. It was all very exciting last year when the abstinence was a challenge. Like the first month of a diet is easy….see how the diet is going in month 3, right?
Oh, how I ramble….here’s the advice I am giving myself: ease up on being hard on yourself GBS. No guilt. Just stay abstinent for as long as you can cope without it running your life. Try and do a month, but don’t be rigid about it.
Thing is , all I can think about is….on what day did I last MO? I didn’t write in on my journal because I had tried to be less obsessive. Shrug.
Balls are really hurting by the way…did I say that?
