Another story - probably the same as everyone else

[GBS]

473 days
Coming up to a month no MO (no ejaculation)

Ah my dear friends @Blondie @Androg @joepanic @Jlied - thanks for your concern, most touching. Have no fear, I was NOT about to re;apse. It was a childish outburst borne from intense frustration. But I am fine now.

She had this opportunity, I think, to take things forward and when it came to the time when she had to make the bet, she couldn’t walk into the casino. I get it. You pin your hopes on going two steps forward but you end up going back two. Net effect minus four in your head.

Therapy - can;t do a joint session with her therapist (rules apparently) but we could do couples therapy. Right now though it has been recommended that we don’t. She’s (allegedly) too empty.

Droggers you make a good point. 15 months in and we’re still whining about things and retraumatizing is bang on. That’s what it feels like. Safe territory for her. But I get it….15 months isn’t that long really.

Yesterday was a good day of togetherness making me feel that somehow the therapeutic side of things is not helping. Just being together helps.

Forwards we go.

 

[Beautiful1973]

So sorry your still going through this @GBS

I listened to an excellent podcast today by Yung Pubelo (pen name) about letting go of the past on Diary of a CEO…… it was so good!

Does your Wife meditate???

 

[Androg]

473 days
Coming up to a month no MO (no ejaculation)

Ah my dear friends @Blondie @Androg @joepanic @Jlied - thanks for your concern, most touching. Have no fear, I was NOT about to re;apse. It was a childish outburst borne from intense frustration. But I am fine now.

She had this opportunity, I think, to take things forward and when it came to the time when she had to make the bet, she couldn’t walk into the casino. I get it. You pin your hopes on going two steps forward but you end up going back two. Net effect minus four in your head.

Therapy - can;t do a joint session with her therapist (rules apparently) but we could do couples therapy. Right now though it has been recommended that we don’t. She’s (allegedly) too empty.

Droggers you make a good point. 15 months in and we’re still whining about things and retraumatizing is bang on. That’s what it feels like. Safe territory for her. But I get it….15 months isn’t that long really.

Yesterday was a good day of togetherness making me feel that somehow the therapeutic side of things is not helping. Just being together helps.

Forwards we go.

There are techniques to help with. forgiveness. I wonder if your wife’s therapist would be willing to consider using them.

Alternatively, perhaps she could consider working with a different therapist. I know one who teaches forgiveness and who works specifically with porn addicts and their spouses.

Your wife will feel a lot better when she has forgiven you. I don’t know if you can make this suggestion, but forgiveness fills us; whining, keeps us feeling miserable. This goes for everyone.

 

[Androg]

When she's ready, propose this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-author-speaks/201703/sensate-focus-in-sex-therapy-the-illustrated-manual

 

[GBS]

474 days

Thanks @Beautiful1973 and @Androg - helpful. Sadly it is difficult heeding your advice. ”Suggesting” anything is currently fraught with danger. It puts me in an invidious position of course. I sort of can’t win. The need for her to forgive me and move on is obvious. Why is it so complicated? Well all you have as background is what you’ve read from me of course. Would most partners have moved on by now? Don’t know. Possibly. She has issues from the past to deal with- her past. Her therapist should be unlocking it. That may not be her therapist’s fault If it isn’t being unlocked.

Added, new information- she has had to go back to the US to see her declining mother. She could be gone for a week, she could be gone for several weeks. This will put our relationship on the back burner. I can make an argument for that being a good thing, and vice versa.

My mindset is good today and I miss her already. Love is such a strong emotion. It beats frustration and deflation easily. The new me can cope with the dilemma and conundrum. We persevere.

Haven’t said this recently, but it’s still worth saying: fuck pornography.

Until tomorrow. GBS

 

[GBS]

475 days

Pretty close a month no MO too. Certainly will be by the weekend. I was just rewatching various YouTube vids about NoFap and perceived benefits of no MO. Good discipline as it reminds one of the negative effects of things like edging. But also what was really helpful was watching and reading about just how unreal world pornography is. The lack of touch and sensation. The focus on aggression and penetration. I am no wuss but it slightly turned my stomach. And we all did this just to get our dopamine hits. We didn’t know better back then, but we all knew it wasn’t right (what we were doing), we just had no idea what physical and mental harm was going on.

This all sounds a little tedious and revisionist but the simple truth is that it’s at the root of our recoveries. Remember how awful you were? That’s because you turned your computer on and watched people having sex almost every day. And you knew it wasn’t right, huh? Yet you still did it. I am staring in the mirror here. I can’t offer the defence that I didn’t know what harm I was doing myself although honestly I had no idea. It seems odd to talk about my no PMO streak. I should do this more often.

It’s day two today of my wife being away. It doesn’t create urges to watch porn of course despite increased opportunities but there is greater urge to MO. Like it’s a free pass. Been off it for roughly four weeks, not going to have sex anytime soon, not hiding it from wife because she’s not here….all means I can if I want to. Tricky. Even writing it has made me a little nervous that I will. Let you know…..

 

[Androg]

475 days

Pretty close a month no MO too. Certainly will be by the weekend. I was just rewatching various YouTube vids about NoFap and perceived benefits of no MO. Good discipline as it reminds one of the negative effects of things like edging. But also what was really helpful was watching and reading about just how unreal world pornography is. The lack of touch and sensation. The focus on aggression and penetration. I am no wuss but it slightly turned my stomach. And we all did this just to get our dopamine hits. We didn’t know better back then, but we all knew it wasn’t right (what we were doing), we just had no idea what physical and mental harm was going on.

This all sounds a little tedious and revisionist but the simple truth is that it’s at the root of our recoveries. Remember how awful you were? That’s because you turned your computer on and watched people having sex almost every day. And you knew it wasn’t right, huh? Yet you still did it. I am staring in the mirror here. I can’t offer the defence that I didn’t know what harm I was doing myself although honestly I had no idea. It seems odd to talk about my no PMO streak. I should do this more often.

It’s day two today of my wife being away. It doesn’t create urges to watch porn of course despite increased opportunities but there is greater urge to MO. Like it’s a free pass. Been off it for roughly four weeks, not going to have sex anytime soon, not hiding it from wife because she’s not here….all means I can if I want to. Tricky. Even writing it has made me a little nervous that I will. Let you know…..

Stay busy

 

[joepanic]

his all sounds a little tedious and revisionist but the simple truth is that it’s at the root of our recoveries. Remember how awful you were? That’s because you turned your computer on and watched people having sex almost every day. And you knew it wasn’t right,

I never considered myself "awful" because i enjoyed watching people have sex. I had my reasons for it and will never feel shame for it. I do have a little regret over the time wasted when I could have been doing something a little more constructive with my time. But it did get me through some very difficult times. I have been smart and worked on those issues and got others to work on their issues that gave me difficult times. Cured the disease so no band aids required. Healing has happened for all of us involved

 

[GBS]

476 days

All quiet on the western front. As advised I am keeping busy. Got therapy today. Much to discuss.

 

[GBS]

477 days

Excellent therapy session yesterday. Sorted a lot of stuff out.

Triggers - for my wife that is. And the reality of therapy. I had been pretty damn near perfect in the last couple of months, but my wife focussed on the one thing where I had dropped the ball. I am fairly certain that was 7 May so that’s a fair time ago. It felt unfair for her to do that when there were so many positives. I had expected her therapy to be all about “right, I’m stuck in a holding pattern, how can I get unstuck?” My therapist said it’s extraordinarily rare when she has sessions with partners for partners not to focus on the negative. We all do it and it’s what they want to discuss. And me suggesting things for her recovery? My therapist said (with a wry smile) “I wouldn’t if I were you”.

Whilst that’s a bit of another slap in the face, it’s actually grounding and mentally checking….it’s ok. To put some nicer spin on it. My therapist said this does sound like the sort of classic emptying of the tank which has to happen before the improvement can be brought in. It was a good session.

Pornography - how I despise you. I used to love and adore you and worship at your altar. I know now that you’re scum. Dirty filthy scum. Even if you didn’t screw with brains, which you assuredly do, I would still despise you for your manipulative revolting style. You used me and you damn well knew it. You are the dregs. I will never watch you again. Now fuck off.

 

[Percival]

Good news, GBS! People are complicated, and relationships are complicated, and there's a whole lot of things that aren't logical and don't make sense and just are the way they are. Good for you for being patient while she works through her side, while you're working through your side. I hope you're both able to keep working towards each other.

 

[joepanic]

I hope I don't offend anyone with this one but I would have started talking about moving on by now. Life is too short to not be "shown" forgiveness. They say hell has no fury to that of a woman's heart scorned. We all make mistakes in life. I would hope we all learn from those mistakes. One thing I would be sure to learn is not to make the same mistake twice. Confucius also says when seeking revenge always dig two graves.

 

[Androg]

Well, it's good to know that the therapist thinks the process is going along much as in other similar circumstances. You're going to be as patient as a saint by the time she turns the corner.

 

[GBS]

Thanks for your input gentlemen.

People are complicated, and relationships are complicated, and there's a whole lot of things that aren't logical and don't make sense and just are the way they are. Good for you for being patient while she works through her side, while you're working through your side

Thanks for this @Percival . It’s so true that relationships are choc full of irrational and illogical behaviour. What pisses one person off wouldn’t bother another person one jot. We’re all different.

I hope I don't offend anyone with this one but I would have started talking about moving on by now. Life is too short to not be "shown" forgiveness.

Not offended in the slightest @joepanic - and no offence going back when I say that I can’t chuck it all in because I love and adore her. It’s not weakness that I grip onto that fact when things aren’t going so well. Also another inescapable truth is, and I have this on advisement, whether some women jump back into bed earlier or later, the ones who felt hurt and betrayed by their husbands/significant other’s behaviour take a long time to heal inside. Now, all that said, if I am still in this waiting room in 5 year’s time, I think discussion about going different ways would have to happen. It’s torturing me that it’s taking this long, but in a way it is salutary and when (not if) we get our sex lives back, it’s going to be based on something with new deep foundations.

it's good to know that the therapist thinks the process is going along much as in other similar circumstances

Cheers @Androg - yes, good to know my wife’s behaviour is quote “normal”. My therapist also said no two relationships are the same and how partners deal with betrayal also takes on many different varieties. When cornered however, my therapist did admit mine was progressing on the longer end of the scale. But, and repeating a point I made above, the extra time it takes should equate to depth of new foundations in the marriage. Just hope she’s right.

Meanwhile back in my dull soap opera of a life, wife is still in the US seeing her mother. Getting better, thanks. Probably back next Tuesday or Wednesday. So that’s good. Messaging loads, video chatting loads. She’s bored out of her skull. Life here is semi hectic as I am totally running the show, cooking every meal, laundry, tidying…..makes me more sympathetic to what my wife does. Generally all is good except I am exhausted.

478 days. A month of no MO. Mini urge to relieve the pressure yesterday- a healthy urge brought on by my wife saying she’d been for a swim in her hotel swimming pool! Does that make me a pervert? No it doesn’t. And welcome back lust, nice to hear from you. How‘re you doin? Great thanks - lovely to be here with you.

 

[Percival]

my wife saying she’d been for a swim in her hotel swimming pool! Does that make me a pervert?

Heck no! Just means you're a perfectly normal husband!

Sounds like you probably have kids at home if there's laundry and meals to do: I know how that is. Good luck and well-done keeping it all going while she is gone, and glad to hear her mom is doing better.

 

[GBS]

479 days no PMO
Roughly a month no MO/any kind of ejaculation

Wife has been away since Tuesday but is coming back tomorrow. Like the last time she was away I slightly wonder if she used the time to reflect at all. I think when she’s home there is a tendency to deviate thought patterns and just do home projects and use the brain thinking time up on the myriad of things going on here. And because I am holding the fort right now, I can tell you there’s so many things to remember, I am starting to get some perspective on her life.

I am excited to see her. It’s obviously a good sign. Yes it continues to tear me apart that we’re seemingly just friends, but we shall see if there’s development. Yes, I have raised my hopes, of course I have. Is that dangerous? Yes it is. So why do it? Can’t stop myself. I am not a robot. It will hurt if there’s not a word spoken, but that’s life, folks!

And cheers @Percival - thanks for your support. Yes…kids. But they’re pretty grown up. Still require ferrying everywhere (as haven’t passed driving tests yet - it’s way harder over here than in the US by the way), so life is shopping, cooking, clearing stuff, laundry. Sat down and watched some TV yesterday and promptly fell asleep.

We persevere.

 

[GBS]

480 days sober

Wife is back. Looks lovely albeit she’s a little tired. Obviously no conversation yet and I suspect I am being unrealistic if something dramatic has changed in her head. But you never know.

We persevere.

 

[Percival]

You're working hard on what you can control, GBS. Which is ultimately the only thing we can actually do. Keep up the good fight!

 

[GBS]

Thanks I like that @Percival . I would quote the serenity prayer but it’s just slightly too kitsch and clever for its own boots. Work on me, keep wife top priority at the same time.

 

[GBS]

481 days.

Very strong suspicion that my wife’s time away didn’t flip a switch or anything. One of the ways she deals with the betrayal is to throw herself into projects completely. It sort of diverts her mind from having to live and feel the hurt. The current project is her ill mother and the seemingly downward trajectory of her health.

Yes, I can criticise this method as well, it’s not a watertight strategy. But it is hers, and coping is a large part of where she is right now. It will pass, it just needs time.

I am, I think, on my fourth longest no MO streak. I had a 90, a 48 and a 45 last year. Currently (although not precise) I am about 32. There I go counting again. What is it with me? Do I need you all to be impressed? No. The first time I did 30 days or so it was hell, but for different reasons as I was in a different brain space and constantly fantasising. Thereafter when I went on streaks it was still tough, but very slightly easier than the time before. Then I fell into the trap (that may be too harsh a word) of MOing sort of after 3 weeks abstinence, like I deserved it. Now I am back on the longer haul, it is ok (I was going to write “easy” and stopped myself) and I think it’s easier than the last time I headed out to the 40+ day mark.

Why do I harp on about this so? Partly is classic journaling, with that stream of consciousness, but I do try and make points on here and I think the point is this. I put my success (so far….careful there Mr Complacent) down to ceasing masturbatory habits. I did that by coming on here and talking about it. It helps me massively to write it down.

Wife will be going back to the US in the next month. So that’s going to be another difficult time, but I will cope.

Just 19 days away from the big monkey. I may bake a cake. What do you fancy?